By Reporter X

Like many human parents, Lozo Gozok struggled to get her son ready for the first day of school. Gozok’s struggle involved getting her son into her human suit.

“You can’t go to Bolingbrook High School with your tentacles sticking out.”

“But my friends—”

“Are going to meet the Men in Blue. If your friends passed an event horizon, would you follow them?.”

Gozok’s son protested as she pushed the last tentacles down and closed the suit. She smiled. “You look like a handsome, typical human teenager.”

“Why do we have to wear these suits? Why do we still call Clow a UFO Base when the new term is UAP? Can’t we just be honest?”

“Most humans want to kill us because they can’t see in a dark forest. Clow UFO Base is an acceptable name. Humans aren’t honest beings. Why should we be honest with them?”

Gozok’s son is among the dozens of alien students attending classes in school districts 365U and D11. For decades, alien human students have intermingled at 365U’s schools. Alien students learn about human culture and make connections with future leaders. Human students might get tutoring, if an alien likes the human.

“People wonder why aliens haven’t annihilated us,” said Steve Quigley, president of the 365U school board. “I wish I could tell them it’s because of our visitor exchange program. Think of us as a light in the dark forest. If you can see the animals, you won’t fear the animals. Well, most of the animals. You still want to stay away from bears.”

D211 board member Tim McGowan also supports alien exchange students. “I believe in the benefits of a diverse student body, and having classmates from another world can only broaden our students’ experiences. There you go! Now, will you stop bugging me?”

Some human and alien parents are concerned about the programs in each school district.

One D211 parent, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I want my children to feel special when they go to school. Having aliens in the classroom makes them feel like uneducated savages. It’s almost as unforgivable as teaching students that slavery was bad, gay people exist, and it’s okay to read fiction. I can’t wait to move to Florida.”

Zelgozot Olo, who runs an interstellar logistics company, worries when his children go to school. “Observing an event horizon spinning civilization is fun until someone shoots metal projectiles at you. I’m not surprised some humans are afraid we’re going to obliterate them. Because they’d obliterate us if we gave them the opportunity.”

One of Olo’s children up to his dad and said he was off to school.

“Have fun,” Olo replied. “And don’t make the Fremd students feel inferior.”

“Inferior? Fremd is just as hard as the hive mind. If a human can succeed at Fremd, they can succeed anywhere in the galaxy!”

“Impressive. I guess Fremd High School is humanity’s redeeming achievement.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook man says aliens probed him because of his Uranus joke
Naperville City Council rejects Gunkata martial arts studio
Elon Musk offers billions of dollars to rename Joliet X, Romeoville Y, and Bolingbrook Z
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8 20/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

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