By Reporter X

Despite numerous interstellar diplomatic protests, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta banned aliens from attending the Taste of Bolingbrook on Saturday, August, 13. Instead, aliens will be encouraged to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base to be held on the same day.

“The Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce is expecting 10,000 people to attend this year’s event,” said Alexander-Basta at a press conference with interstellar news organizations. “So, we want to make sure as many humans as possible can taste Bolingbrook. I mean have a taste of Bolingbrook.”

Alexander-Basta then encouraged all alien visitors to Bolingbrook to attend the Taste of Clow UFO Base instead. According to Alexander-Basta, alien visitors will have more fun if they stay on the base:

“We have so many things planned for our esteemed guests. The WeatherTech Restaurant will offer free samples of their new lightning bar desserts, made from rich recycled plastic with chips of discarded battery charger parts. Yummy. But there’s more. Clow’s most famous chef, Joshie Berger, will be serving his super-well-done burger with blackened grilled cheese. It sounds like the worst, but it’s actually the first. Um, you might want to rework that slogan, Joshie… Anyway, I left out the best part. A certain former trustee will be taking time off from her record-breaking interstellar tour to read Bolingbrook event announcements live! And that’s not all!”

Alexander-Basta added that there would be extra Men in Blue at the Taste of Bolingbrook and cloaked drones will scan all attendees for traces of alien DNA. She warned that any alien captured at the event would face “severe consequences.”

Zokgot, a visitor from Ross Confederacy, was disappointed by the announcement. He said: “I was looking forward to consuming a slice of Nancy’s Pizza dipped in Mora’s Miso Soup and topped with Andy’s Custard. I guess I will have to fly over to (Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base) if I want to sample Earth food.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.  A receptionist said she was with a “very important visitor” and that they were taking part in a conference call about a “secret project.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “So if buy over a thousand ISBNs, it will come out to about $1.50 per ISBN?”

Another man replied: “Absolutely. And for slightly more we can throw—”

“Then why can’t you just charge $1.50 for all ISBNs? Hell, I could publish my memoir in Canada and get a free ISBN there.”

“But you can’t publish your memoir in Canada because you live in the best country in the world. So you have to deal with us.”

“That’s better. Let’s make a deal.”

“Sure. You’ll pay us $125 for one ISBN. However, if you pay us $295 for ten ISBNs, I can throw in a barcode for $25.  Since you’re obviously new to self-publishing, I can also have an AI scan your manuscript for only $99.99. Or why list your book for free on Books2Read when you can have it listed on Book2look for only $49.95? That’s—”

“Outrageous! How dare you try to rip me off. Don’t you know who I am?”

“You’re a person who has no choice but to deal with Bowker.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village of Long Grove considers approving a weapon of mass slaughter/gun store
Rep. Bill Foster building a rocket car to help him tour his new district
UFO lands in Bolingbrook after colliding with a Long March booster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/11/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

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