By Reporter X

The Proud Boys announced Sunday the end of their “blockade” of Chicagoland’s UFO bases.

Peter Z. Easton, a spokesperson for the group, said: “We left after we sent a clear message to all space aliens that if we don’t like you, we’ll find a way to beat you and blame you for starting it.” Easton also added that his local chapter is currently focusing on “combating drag shows, and intimidating school boards.”

According to Easton, the boycott began when the Proud Boys chapter heard rumors of aliens disguising themselves as humans. The members decided it was a form of drag performance. “Our new orders are to go after anything that’s gay. Drag is gay and that’s not OK. Especially if you’re a non-western space alien! Just between you and me, I only liked Milo Yiannopoulos because he triggered the libs.”

Despite claiming victory, officials at Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases denied the Proud Boys intimidated visitors or disrupted flights. 

An official at Clow UFO Base claimed a Proud Boy member tried to leave a bag of dog poo near an entrance. The Men in Blue “reminded” the man that the Proud Boys are still banned from Bolingbrook, and escorted him to Romeoville.  

An employee at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base accused Proud Boys of shooting at UFOs. He said: “Their guns can’t penetrate shields, so most of our visitors didn’t know they were shot at.  But one crew was able to capture a bullet and shot it back at the (Proud Boy’s) truck. I never knew one remote controlled bullet could do so much damage. Fortunately, no one was hurt, and we covered up the shootings as one of those mysterious booms.”

A former Proud Boy member, who asked to be called Dee, said he was abducted by aliens while looking for Peotone’s base. He said: “They taught me that biology isn’t black and white but a spectrum. I also learned that women don’t like to be bossed around by men, and being a virgin doesn’t make you stronger. I couldn’t call myself a Proud Boy after learning the truth. So I’m going to learn how to make a sandwich and strive to be a good man. I hope I can convince my former comrades of the truth.”

The mayors of Peotone and Palatine could not be reached for comment. A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said: “Are you sure you want to write about the Proud Boys?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said, “Absolutely not, Charlene.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “You don’t even offer an affiliate link on any of your sites?”

“Just because I urge residents to have a weather radio doesn’t mean I’m profiting off of them.”

“Expecting a donation then?”

“Don’t make me carp you again!”

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial: LGTBQ+ people need our support more than ever
Russia launches two weather attacks against Chicagoland
Image of Christopher Hitchens appears near DuPage Unitarian Church
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

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