By Reporter X

Palatine police officers arrested a Russian pilot who landed a UFO interceptor at the local McDonald’s and tried to steal its food.

Sue, an employee who asked that we not use her last name, described the attempted food heist: “First I was wondering why all these cars were speeding in the parking lot. Then when I took an order, this guy with a really bad Russian accent demanded all of our food. When I looked at the monitor, I saw he was inside a weird airplane. That’s when I pressed the panic button and quit my job.”

A recording obtained by the Babbler confirms her story. The pilot describes himself as a member of Russia’s Star Strike, a covert branch of the Russian Air Force tasked with protecting Russians from alien attacks. The pilot tells Sue, “Give me all your combo meals, all your Happy Meals, and all your dollar food!  I can pay in lead or you can give me a free discount!”

While most drive-through customers tried to escape, Gary, a recent Russian immigrant, approached the pilot. Gary described the conversation afterward: “I told the pilot Putin was making all Russian people look bad, and asked why he was helping the military commit atrocities? He said, ‘Whatabout’ and listed US atrocities like the Iraq invasion, Afghanistan, and the treatment of Native Americans. I replied, ‘What about this?’ And then I punched him.  I knocked him out. Just because the US has done terrible things doesn’t make it okay for Putin to do terrible things.”

Police officers from the Interstellar Division arrested the pilot. Both the pilot and the craft are at Palatine’s Sherman UFO Base.

According to Sheila Z. Blake, head of the Interstellar Division, the pilot was trying to secure food for Russian soldiers: “The Russian military has terrible logistics. He also has an addiction to McDonald’s food, so that’s another reason.” 

Blake added that although the craft flew through air space monitored by Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, Clow officials never warned Palatine officials about the craft.

“This is yet another example of how the war between the New World Order and the Illuminati is hurting Chicagoland.”

Sherman UFO Base is affiliated with the New World Order, while Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base is affiliated with the Illuminati.

Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta emailed this statement to the Babbler: “This would be a good time to tell your readers which charities they should support if they want to help Ukrainian refugees.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will permanent Daylight Savings Time destroy the fabric of Space-Time?
Sentient COVID Virus accepts humanities terms of surrender
Putin vows to liberate the Ukrainian Village from the US
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

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