Photo of Brian Cox by Paul Clarke.

Note: The Bolingbrook Babbler sometimes shares stories from its many sister publications around the world.  The following article is from the Manchester Mumbler, located in Manchester, UK.  This article was translated into American English.

Great Britain’s ghosts continued their mass protests and riots days after physicist Brian Cox said the Large Hadron Collider “proved” they don’t exist.

“We’ve never experienced anything like this,” said psychic Paulette Z. Simpson.  “The ghosts are so insulted and so frustrated that all they can do is trash the British netherworld.  Brian has turned the restless dead into the violent dead!”

Cox, on his show the Infinite Monkey Cage, stated that the measurements and discoveries made using the Large Hadron Collider left no room for the existence of ghosts or for an afterlife.

I would say that if there’s some kind of substance that’s driving our bodies, making arms move and legs move, then it must interact with the particles out of which our bodies are made. Since we’ve made high precision measurements of the ways that particles interact, my assertion is there can be no such thing as an energy source that’s driving our bodies.

The violent reaction from ghosts was so great that its effects could be felt in our world.

“I set my cup down on the table and it just fell over,” said Linda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Some would say I was careless, but I’m not.  Fighting ghosts knocked it over.”

Paul offered more evidence: “My cat kept looking at the wall.  That’s not a big deal, but she kept turning her head!  I think she was watching ghost picketers!  I have all the proof I need!”

Peter Chauncey, the president of the British Association of Expert Mediums, denounced Cox’s statement as “reckless.”

“I have two words for Mr. Cox! Dark. Energy. Ghosts are dark energy.  Every time a being with a soul dies, it becomes dark energy and contributes to the expansion of the universe. It’s so obvious!  How could he miss this obvious conclusion?”

Chauncey urges all British residents to avoid all haunted places until the ghosts settle down.

“Only trained professionals should deal with ghosts at this point.  Fortunately, I can provide that training for a reasonable rate.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Page Three Sheep returns! Again!
Virgin Group offers to take over the government
Prime Minister May begs aliens for favorable trade agreement
Richard Dawkins to smite God on 2/3/17