“Science is how god works.”

I went through this strange period when I was a kid – probably around junior high – where I tried to force myself to believe in god. I started going to church with my friends. Growing up I was secretly skeptical and fearful. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I a Christian? Why didn’t I believe? I thought if I went to church enough, I would see what everyone else saw.

It didn’t work. It only led to feeling isolated and alone with some serious inner turmoil. 

I could never deny my true feelings towards Christianity. Why would I put my faith into something that just doesn’t make sense? Even as a little kid I sensed things weren’t right. Going to church actually made me pretty uncomfortable. 

I struggled for years trying to come up with a concept of a higher power. As a teenager, I decided that “science is how god works”. God makes things happen and science is how he does it. Deep down I always knew that science was real and god was at best murky. I tried so hard to make it make sense.

Finally, after a life-changing event in my early twenties, I became an atheist. It was freeing but I was also a little scared. I didn’t know what people would think.

It just amazes me how damaging religion really is. My family wasn’t even religious. We didn’t go to church like my friends did. However, I still feel scarred from the pain and confusion I felt growing up in a conservative area. 

I’m sure many of you have a similar experience – the struggle of trying to make sense of something as ridiculous as religion. Sometimes I think that last-ditch effort is really just a push into atheism. 

I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Does anxiety get worse with age?

I’ve always been an anxious person – even in childhood. I write about it a lot. Sometimes that’s all I can do with this nervous energy.

When I think back on certain events in my life it has become pretty clear that my anxiety has gotten worse with age. This is most apparent when it comes to my fear of driving. In the past, I was willing to drive greater distances. I even took a road trip by myself in my late twenties. Now as I inch closer to my 40th birthday, I stay within a few miles of my house. It even makes me nervous to take my daughter to school which is only a four-minute drive.

I’ve also noticed that since I had my daughter my anxiety has exploded. Can any other parents relate? I have a lot of sleepless nights and she’s not even a baby anymore.

I have a lot of mental health issues, and I see a therapist every week, but I think I need to do more work on my own to prevent my anxiety from getting any worse. I need to gently push myself to do the things that make me nervous. Any suggestions?

I have a hard time with the grocery store. People and food make me nervous and I never go shopping alone. Maybe I should start there.

Obviously, I will address this more with my therapist, but I always love getting your input. Are there any other anxious people out there? Did your anxiety get worse with age? How do you cope?

Atheism and Recovery – What if I didn’t have a mental illness?

I became an atheist early in my recovery and it remains an important part of my life to this day. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my twenties. Dealing with psychosis was confusing and frightening but when I tried medication everything changed. I had always been skeptical but when I experienced hallucinations that were spiritual in nature I was left with a lot of questions. A moment of clarity came when the anti-psychotics kicked in. My hallucinations aren’t real – and neither is god. I was always looking for an explanation. I just never considered the explanation to be a mental illness. My diagnosis came with some relief – this is treatable.

That moment of clarity flipped a switch and I declared myself an atheist. Years of suffering came to an end with a simple solution – medication. 

But what if that moment never came? What if I never had a mental illness? Would I still be an atheist?

First of all, my husband asked me this question and it is so hard to picture. My mental health symptoms started in early childhood so I really don’t know any different. I am not my illness but it is still an important part of me. It often explains why I do the things I do.

My journey to becoming an atheist may be a little unique, but I still believe even if none of the mental health issues happened, I would still be an atheist.

I’m a curious person – it’s always been in my nature to question. I questioned the existence of god in childhood and the judgmental people in the town where I grew up definitely made me question the goodness of Christianity. Mental illness or not, I always knew I didn’t want to be like them. Questioning at that time came with a lot of guilt and fear but I feel no matter what I would have ended up with the same conclusion – I am an atheist.

Were there any specific events that led to your atheism? If those events hadn’t happened, do you still think you would be an atheist?

My 6-year-old daughter told me god is real.

I’m still trying to unpack this one. I don’t even remember how it came up, but it did. We were just hanging out in the living room after dinner and my daughter told me that god is real. When I asked her why she thought that, she said because angels and the devil are real, too. 

I let it go. I didn’t push too much because my daughter also thinks zombies and Santa Claus are real and to me, god is on that same level.

I really want to dig deeper and find out where she is getting this information. She is in the first grade and also goes to daycare. She also spends quite a bit of time playing with the little girl next door. 

Is this worth investigating? Is she just being a 6-year-old repeating what she hears in the community? I still feel I should step in.

It scares me a little. We live in a conservative red state in the Midwest. I grew up here and even though my family didn’t go to church, I was always surrounded by Christianity. It led to a lot of hurt and confusion in my childhood, and anger and resentment in adulthood. I don’t want my daughter to go through that. 

My husband and I have been very careful in giving our daughter a secular childhood. Secular daycare. Public school. She’s never been to church. We have never exposed her to any religion. Maybe that’s part of the problem. She deserves an explanation.

I don’t want to shelter my daughter, but I do want to protect her. Being exposed to religion is inevitable. I want to teach her to be skeptical and use common sense, but I get the feeling that that might be a little much for a 6-year-old.

Should I say something? Should I let it go? Help me out parents – have you encountered this?

An Assignment — A Goodbye Letter in My Eating Disorder

I want to share something that makes me cry every time I read it. Just a few days before leaving treatment in Chicago, my therapist had me write a goodbye letter to my eating disorder. I’ve struggled with eating disorders for nearly thirty years but this round of treatment felt different. Maybe this really is goodbye.

 

Dear eating disorder,

I never gave you a name or found a way to separate you from myself. I only recently learned that you are not a part of me.

You stole me from the playground many years ago. At times, I put up a fight but you never quite loosened your grip.

I wondered what my life would be like without you. There have been missed opportunities and soured relationships. You were at least partially to blame.

On Sunday I will leave treatment and this is your final notice to vacate my mind and body. I am moving on without you.

I will go back to Toledo and be the wife and mom I always wanted to be and that my family deserves.

I’m going to chase my dreams without reservations. You’ll never stand in my way again.

You’ve been in my life for so long that it’s hard for me to be independent. I will learn, grow, and relish my newfound freedom.

You will no longer speak for me or decide for me – for the first time I am in charge.

Get out.

This isn’t “see you later”; this is goodbye forever.

 

(Quick note: Many people name their eating disorder. This can be beneficial in recovery because it can help separate you from your disorder. For example, what are your thoughts, and what are your eating disorder’s?)

My 300th Post – Channeling My Inner Grandpa G., Recovery, and My Red State

This is my 300th post! I am so grateful for Freethought Blogs. Not only is it a great outlet for my writing, but it also allows me to have conversations that might be difficult to have in real life. 

I spend a lot of time writing about mental health as atheism has played a huge part in my recovery. Jesus doesn’t care about my wellness, my doctor does, and I don’t thank god for my medications, I thank science. My medications work and I know I need to stay on them. Knowing there isn’t an afterlife keeps me motivated and reminds me to live my life to the fullest despite having schizoaffective disorder. 

I write from real life and am not an expert in anything but myself. My blog makes me think of my Grandpa G. He had a fascinating life and loved sharing his experiences. Everyone was captivated by his storytelling. A few years before Grandpa G died, I recorded him reminiscing with our family at my dad’s house. It was actually for a class project but now the recording is a treasured keepsake. My goal with my writing is to channel my inner Grandpa G and share my story with as much passion as he did his. 

The past few months have been very difficult as I received treatment for a decades-old eating disorder, and my journey is far from over. Thank you for making my blog a safe place for me to share my challenges. I hope one day my posts will help others. 

I often complain about living in a red state, but I have no plans of leaving. My family has lived in the same area for 170 years. This is my home and I want to see it become a better place. If you have any ideas on how to do that, I’d love to hear them. 

Thank you for reading and commenting over the last few years and hopefully for years to come. I am always learning from you. Thank you for your support.

Is there ever a time when people “need” god?

So I was watching Dr. Phil again. This time my husband was in the room. In this episode, there was a boy with a very rare genetic disorder where he couldn’t feel pain. It was very dangerous because he was constantly getting injured. They interviewed the family and they were obviously religious. They brought up god a couple of times. Then when interviewing the boy – who was surprisingly upbeat – he said “it’s how god made me.”

It was obvious that the thought of god was comforting for this family who has been through so much. My only hope is that they are thanking all the doctors who have helped them as much as they are thanking god. 

Do you think there’s ever a time when people “need” god (or something like it)? Like you’re in such an extreme situation that you need faith in something to get by?

After watching this episode, my husband asked me, “If you grew up with very serious health issues, do you still think you would’ve become an atheist?” My answer was “yes” but honestly if I was put in those circumstances I’m not 100 percent sure. 

So now I’m asking you the same question – if you grew up in an extreme situation, would you still have become an atheist? Maybe you’ve been through something similar. Do people ever “need” god? Is there something you have faith in for coping and comfort other than god? 

Eating Disorder Recovery — Can You Be a Big Girl and Own It?

I’ve done a lot of work on body image since going into treatment for my eating disorder. Sometimes I want to work on accepting my body just as I am right now and other times I just want to focus on other aspects of my life. For example, I’m a writer – that has nothing to do with my looks. I feel both tactics are valid and I’ve come a long way.

Here is a journal entry I found from when I just started treatment.

 

12/21/21 – Day Six

Is there a way to be a big girl and own it? Fuse it with your being to where it’s not even an issue – it’s just you?

It seems like people with big personalities can pull it off – but that just isn’t me.

I care a lot about what I look like.

There. I said it.

I always think my life would be better if I was thin. But is that just a shitty excuse? There’s really no reason why my life can’t be better now. I know firsthand that skinny doesn’t equal happiness, so why do I still give a fuck?

I tend to focus on how I might look in the future. When I lose weight I’ll do this or that. I’ll travel. I’ll meet people. I’ll promote my books and look good doing it.

Why am I not doing these things now? Why do I always have to wait?

My husband thinks I’m beautiful and I wish he would tell me that more often. Unfortunately, I need reassurance.

Does it matter if anyone else thinks I’m beautiful?

Of course, it does. Me. I need to think I’m beautiful.

However, beauty is only the surface. There are much deeper issues that fuel my eating disorder.

 

As an atheist, I find myself often sporting a “you only live once” attitude. Maybe I need to keep that in mind when I’m considering what I can and can’t do at my current size.

It’s true – there are several deeper issues that fuel my eating disorder but I’ve been told that the body image issues are the last to go. After all the therapy, meal planning, etc., body image issues tend to hang on even after you’re doing better. They’re a thorn in my side right now.

Sorry if this is a touchy question — do you accept your body as it is right now? How did you get to that point?

Get Out of Bed — Poetry from Another Broke Ass Millennial

Get Out of Bed

 

Fourteen dollars in the bank
and five days til payday –
I’ll hide in bed
because anxiety doesn’t cost a thing.

No fuel in my car,
no fuel for my feet,
no motivation to be found.
I want to stay in my room –
avoid facing a world I can’t afford.

Getting ahead is a lie.
It’s a never-ending game of catch-up
that I don’t want to play anymore.

A narrative all-too-familiar –
youthful dreams
burn in the barrel.
Expectations of yesteryear
are far out of reach.

I’m one missed paycheck
from disaster,
one heartache too many. 

Get out of bed
and make your voice heard.
Nothing changes
if we don’t rise up together.

Can’t move forward.
Can’t stay home.
There are mouths and minds to feed.
Don’t drown in silence.

Can you hear me?

Do skeptics have fewer fears?

When I was away at treatment for my eating disorder I learned that there’s a difference between anxiety and fear. Anxiety is a sort of anticipation like worrying about something in the future – maybe even something that will never happen. Fear is more in the moment like an immediate threat or danger.

I’ve always been an anxious person but I never really understood the difference between anxiety and fear. Anxiety feels like a constant undercurrent in my life but when am I actually fearful?

Rational or Irrational Fear?

I’m afraid of deep water. I am constantly on edge if we are near it. I avoid boats and ships. Every September my family goes to Kelleys Island in Lake Erie. You have to take a ferry to get there and every time we get on it, I swear it’s going to sink. Every single year! I have been on that ferry more times than I can remember but I still get an upset stomach and sweat forms on my brow. 

I have a physical reaction every time I’m near deep water.

The thing is, I’m actually a pretty decent swimmer. I don’t mind shallow water. But if I can swim well, what’s the difference if it’s shallow or deep? 

This seemed like an irrational fear until my daughter was born six years ago. When my daughter is around deep water my fear is times ten. There’s a quarry on my husband’s family’s property, and whenever we go to visit, you better believe I watch my daughter’s every move. She always wants to play outside and I cringe every time she opens the door.

I may be going a bit overboard but I feel with my daughter my fear of deep water has gone from irrational to rational. I don’t even want to think about what could happen.

Also, my daughter has been taking swimming lessons every week since she was three years old. I made sure of it.

I talk myself into it.

When I’m feeling anxiety or fear I often have to talk myself into things. For example, I get nervous when I drive. I always think I’m going to get into an accident or break down. I have to tell myself that the odds of my getting into an accident and breaking down every single time I get into my car are pretty small. Also, I’m a careful driver and I have AAA. 

I drive almost every day and rationalizing with myself really helps. It’s hard though because I know in the back of my mind all sorts of unfortunate events are possible.

I know thinking about ways to stay safe despite small possibilities is more effective than praying every time I get in the car. The question is, do people feel relief after praying as I do after rationalizing?

Does being a skeptic affect your fear?

We all know religion feeds on fear and people will believe just about anything. Are religious people more fearful in general? Do they have more irrational fears? Or do they find peace thinking god will protect them?

Can being a skeptic affect what you fear? If you have the ability to question your fear, does it lessen it? 

 

What do you think? Also, what things are you afraid of? Are they rational or irrational? I’d love to hear it.