What’s worth the risk?

I have the best job in the world! I paint and write poetry every day. When my shift ends, I go home and do the same thing. I have envisioned this kind of life for as long as I can remember and now it’s actually real. I am so fortunate to get to do the things I love.

At one of our recent writer’s groups at work, we had the prompt “what’s worth the risk?” I immediately thought of my daughter. She was a high-risk pregnancy due to a medication I take. Here’s the poem I wrote:

 

The Risk in the Storm

A tear-soaked past
and a broken brain
were met with resilience
and an abundance of love.

The idea of you
was met with resistance –
the biggest risk
in the smallest package.

You came into this world
in lightning and thunder.
It was the longest night –
out of the darkness came your light.

You were once a dream out of reach
but now I lift you up
to taste the stars
grounded in my purpose.

Six years of giggles and tears,
six years to the moon and back.
You can fall down but get back up
because I promise my love is for life.

You’re the littlest girl
with the biggest heart
and brightest smile.
Let your storm change your world.

 

Now it’s your turn — what’s worth the risk?

Fundamentally an atheist – but is the rest murky?

If you fear something you don’t believe in, does it mean you believe in it at least a little bit?

I’m mostly referring to my interest in the paranormal. 

Let me start by saying I am 100 percent atheist in that I don’t believe in the existence of any deities. But does being an atheist have to dictate other beliefs?

When it comes to my interest in the paranormal there’s a lot to unpack. Due to having schizoaffective disorder, I’ve spent much of my life struggling with psychosis. My psychotic symptoms included auditory and visual hallucinations that I referred to as “ghosts”. They left me frightened and confused. 

It was actually after antipsychotic medication successfully curbed my hallucinations in my 20s that I declared myself an atheist – something I consider a huge personal achievement. It was at that point I knew dead people weren’t haunting me. It had been my only tie to spirituality. 

But what if there’s something else? What if there’s another explanation for ghosts? I don’t mean my hallucinations, but things other people have claimed to have experienced. I know not everyone’s crazy.

Every night I go to bed and lay on my side facing the closet. I look at the dark closet and fear someone or something will be peeking back out at me. The fear is in the back of my mind. It’s not enough to keep me from sleeping but sometimes it’s enough for me to roll onto my other side.

What’s even creepier is that the organization I work for is talking about renting space in a very well-known haunted location here in Toledo. Everyone has a creepy story about this place, and quite frankly, I’m a little scared.

If the fear is there, does that mean I believe in it?

I don’t believe in dead people roaming around, but I do believe there’s something to it – something unexplained. 

Most other areas of my life are pretty cut and dry.

Do you ever feel like there’s an area of your life that’s murky? Like you just don’t know enough about it yet?

How do you guys feel about karma? Oh, how I wish karma was real! It makes sense to me that if you’re negative you will attract negativity, but of course, there’s no evidence for karma either. I could see how that could be a murky area for people as well.

How do you guys feel? If you’re an atheist are there beliefs in your life that feel murky or just unexplained? Do you feel being an atheist has to dictate other beliefs than just the nonexistence of deities? I really want to hear your stories and feedback.

Are you fascinated with religion?

Several years ago, a young priest officiated my grandpa’s funeral mass. My grandpa was aware when he was dying and he specifically asked for this priest to do his funeral. My grandpa really liked him. He was from the area – his dad worked in the same factory as my grandpa. He seemed passionate and thoughtful but he was also just awkward and human. Simply put, he seemed like a normal guy and I found that really fascinating. The young priest mentioned he had a Twitter account and after the funeral, I decided to follow him. I thought he would tweet something interesting or thought-provoking but I waited and waited and all he tweeted about was baseball. My curiosity was squashed a bit.

I watch a lot of shows about religion – particularly the downfall of religion. I veg out on the couch and watch programs about cults, polygamy, the Amish, Catholic church scandals, the evils of megachurches, and televangelist conmen. There is no shortage of drama and I can’t look away from the train wreck. I shake my head in disbelief but I also have so many questions.

How do people get involved in these situations? How do people believe in things that are so obviously and completely false?

I’ve also noticed the leaders of these groups share a lot of the same personality traits, especially being charismatic and controlling. Do these leaders think, “I’m going to start a cult”, or does it just happen in a progression or maybe when things get out of hand? How do you convince people you’re a prophet? Do they truly believe they’re a prophet or is it all just an act?

The saddest part is the abuse – especially the sex abuse/crimes. So many of the programs I’ve watched have involved adultery, rape, child brides, and incest. Why is that? Does religion encourage that or is it just an easy excuse?

See! So many questions! I often find myself fascinated with the things that scare me such as boats and ships, trains, tornadoes, and ghosts. Is my fascination with religion along these lines? 

Do you share this interest or fascination?

On a somewhat unrelated note, I have a fantasy of seducing a Catholic priest — so much so that my husband has given me a hall pass for this one. What’s really funny about this is that my mom named me “Megan” after the main character in the Thornbirds. She read the book while she was pregnant with me. If you are unfamiliar with the book or film, it is about a young girl who falls in love with a much older priest. 

Is that weird?

Inner Turmoil: Mean People Suffer, Too

I had a grandmother who could be very judgemental and just downright mean. When she died, I learned more about her life and realized she was miserable. It’s kind of weird how that works out — if you’re miserable, you want to make everyone else miserable, too. Does anyone else see this play out with people in their lives?

I wrote this poem a few days ago about another person close to the family. This person has been absolutely horrible to me — selfish and disrespectful — but unfortunately, I think we share some of the same struggles. It’s really hard to feel empathy for someone who lacks it, but it’s there.

 

Push Me Away

 

You pushed
and pushed
and pushed
and when I broke,
you pointed your finger at me –
a classic case of
villain playing the victim.

You fabricated your facts
to ensure I was gone for good.

You tried to build an image –
a good person
with a good life –
but we saw right through it.

Carry on
with your lies and drama –
I feel your sadness.
If you weren’t miserable,
you wouldn’t treat me this way.

Months of silence
and broken hearts go by.
Despite the damage you’ve caused,
I hope you get the help
that you so desperately need.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself, “feelings are temporary.”

2022 can suck it!

Honestly, I am so ready for this year to be over. I started 2022 in a treatment center for eating disorders, and when I came home, I struggled for quite a while. Family drama added unnecessary stress to my already exhausted brain. These were some pretty big pitfalls but I’m going to focus on the positive.

First, I can’t believe how much I wrote this year. I don’t even know how many journals I filled up. Writing poetry has been particularly therapeutic. I’m trying to branch out by entering writing contests. I haven’t won anything to date but I have learned so much from the experience. Writing about my life seems to have intensified my emotions – which can be good and bad. I want to write something powerful but how do I keep myself from losing my mind in the process? It feels like a delicate balance and I now know when I need to take a break.

Art – my first love. I started painting again in 2022 – something I haven’t done in years. The tremors in my hands have made it difficult to use a paintbrush so I put my fingers directly on the canvas. That’s right – I finger paint. What could have been incredibly frustrating has become enjoyable. It’s a big experiment to see what I can do with my hands. I used to be so serious about my artwork but now I’m just having a lot of fun. I like getting my hands dirty.

When I came home from treatment, my relationships with my husband and daughter strengthened. I was so afraid that going away would tear my family apart, but it has done the exact opposite. I love spending time with them. I am no longer distracted – I am very present in their lives. 

And I’ve learned to cook!

2022 is coming to an end and I will gladly put it in the past. 

What’s your 2022 recap? Do you have any resolutions?

Retreat Inward vs. Escape Outward — how do you spend your time?

I’m very rarely bored. I have tons of books, notebooks, journals, sketchbooks, etc. and I constantly have projects I’m working on. I am quite content to stay at home creating art, expressing myself, and learning new things. 

I am not a people person and interactions with others make me very nervous. I am always self-conscious about my hands. I have muscle tremors from taking lithium so whether I’m anxious or not, my hands shake. I always think people are looking at them, thinking I’m scared, which makes me even more nervous. I don’t know if others even notice, but I feel incredibly awkward.

So I retreat inward. I’m just happier by myself.

It’s not like I hate everyone. I have a few people in my life who really know me and I feel comfortable with them. I often crave conversations with my husband. We get off work at the same time and I can’t wait to see him. But even when spending time with these special people, I still look forward to being alone.

Then there are the people who escape outward – the social butterflies, the “people” people. They find their solace in spending time with others. I can’t imagine what that must be like.

Of course, I’m sure they’re thinking the same about me. 

I spend so many days frustrated and confused by the words and actions of my family, friends, and coworkers. Why would I want to expose myself to even more of that? Sometimes when I’m around others I feel like my body is in fight or flight mode, and I’m just tired. 

I want stillness and quiet. I want peace. 

Plus there’s so much I want to do. I want to go home and write and draw and paint. Is it wrong if I don’t want spending time with others to take away from that?

I promise you I’m not an ice queen – just an ambitious loner exhausted from anxiety. There’s so much I want to do and so much I want to avoid.

So what about you guys? Do you retreat inward or escape outward? To the “people” people – do you ever just get tired of people? Do you ever get anxious? Does being alone make you nervous? I’m really curious. 

Christmas is over! Did everyone make it?

I’m so glad Christmas is over. I really hate this time of year.

I got sick on Christmas Eve Eve. I’m not sure what it was but there was a lot of puking involved. It’s really not a holiday in my family unless someone gets sick. By Christmas Day I was feeling a little better. We did the Santa thing with our six-year-old and then went out for Chinese food. It was a very chill day and I am grateful for that.

I would love to hear about how you spent your holiday! How did you keep the Christ out of Christmas? 

Religious origins/references: does language matter?

Does it matter if you use words and phrases influenced by religion? Do you avoid it?

“Oh my god” versus “oh my goodness” – obviously I don’t believe in god but I say “oh my god” all the time. It’s a phrase that’s used so much that I feel it has lost any kind of religious meaning. I’m afraid if I say “oh my goodness” I will be mistaken for the uptight Christians afraid to say “god”. Do you use either of those phrases?

What about “grateful” versus “thankful”? I’m really not sure if “thankful” has any religious meaning to it, but I always think, “who are you thanking?” I don’t know but I try to avoid it. I always say “grateful”.

I say “Jesus!” when I’m scared, surprised, or annoyed. If I’m really worked up I say “god fucking damn it!” 

I swear a lot, and consequently, so does my six-year-old daughter. I don’t make a big deal about it – just as long as she doesn’t do it at school. Her teachers haven’t called us yet so I think we’re in the clear.

At daycare, they have told my daughter that “god” is a bad word. I told her I disagree but I also don’t want her to get in trouble.

I’m guessing none of us use the term “blessed”. I absolutely hate that word and I cringe every time someone uses it. Several years ago I was interviewed by SZ magazine – a magazine for those affected by schizophrenia. It was for an article about my artwork. When the article came out, I was quoted as saying “blessed”. I was so pissed. I would NEVER use that word!

How do you feel about these words and phrases? Do you avoid them? Do you use them?

Are Christians getting louder?

Oh, man.

I have a new coworker. She is the sweetest girl – very open and genuine, and although she is much more outgoing than I am, I really like her. 

But she talks about god – a lot. It’s pretty uncomfortable. She sits right next to me.

It’s not just her. There’s been a lot of god talk at work lately – and from people I work with directly on a regular basis.

I mentioned the other day that I’m not a fan of Christmas and my coworker made a point to tell me that he always says “Merry Christmas” to everyone. I didn’t think of it at the time but I wish I had said, “I always say ‘Happy Holidays’ because I want to be considerate of EVERYONE.” I always think of these things after the fact.

Yesterday, I co-facilitated a women’s support group with a coworker who actually advised people to pray. We are not a faith-based organization and I just assumed she knew it was against the rules. I went straight to my supervisor after the group because I’m too scared to confront her myself. Things are going to get really awkward but I just can’t let this one slide.

Last year, when my atheist poetry book was released by Freethought House, several of my coworkers knew about my book, including my supervisor and HR director. I was really nervous to tell them about it but they were surprisingly accepting of it. In the end, I was really happy I told them because I became more confident and relaxed.

But since then, things have gone downhill and I have retreated to my little shell, frightened of my coworkers. Quite frankly, frightened of everyone. 

My husband and I are big fans of The Voice and it just seems there was a lot of religious music this season. In fact, I’ve seen it on a lot of shows lately. It’s just everywhere.

It doesn’t help that it’s Christmas time. I fucking hate Christmas.

I realize I live in a conservative state where Christianity is just a part of life, but I just feel like I’m surrounded – more than usual – and I’m scared. I wouldn’t have a problem with Christianity if Christians didn’t feel so threatening. I just want to go to work and not have to hide who I am. 

I don’t really know how to make this situation better.

Is it just me, or are Christians getting louder?

I’m guessing with this post people are going to suggest I move. I would like to move but unfortunately, with my family’s current financial situation, it just isn’t an option at the moment. Maybe in the future. A girl can dream, right?

Where are my artists?

Art is my first love. My mom was an artist and when I was little, I wanted to be just like her. 

As I grew up, other interests took over and my passion for art was swept aside. It took a life-changing event to bring that passion back – and in a big way. I had struggled with mental illness for years and in my early twenties, I was finally diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It was a name and an explanation for my struggles. Recovery was a tough road but through art, I found my voice. 

Decades have passed and I’ve followed in my mother’s footsteps. For several years, I was a drawing/painting machine. I was cranking out the work and doing shows almost every month. It was pretty crazy and I had to dial it back a few notches when I got pregnant. 

Then I completely stopped. Maybe I just needed a break. That was seven years ago.

Present day: covid restrictions are dropped, I’m happy and healthy, and I’m finally back at work. I work for a supportive arts program where I facilitate art, writing, and music groups for people in recovery from mental illness and/or addiction disorders. It’s literally my dream job.

My participants encourage me just as much as I encourage them, and a few months ago, my love for art was revitalized. 

I’ve started painting a lot at work, and it’s sort of an experiment. I have muscle tremors in my hands from a medication I take that makes it really difficult to use a paintbrush. I really want to paint so it was time to improvise. I’ve discovered that I have a little more control when I lose the paintbrush and put my fingers directly on the canvas. Now I just paint with my fingers every day and experiment to see what I can do. It’s different but it is incredibly satisfying to get my hands dirty. 

Experimenting with finger painting inspired me to experiment with other aspects as well — especially color.

You know who else loves finger painting? My six-year-old daughter. I paint at work and then I come home and paint with my daughter.

This is really different than before. I’m not cranking out paintings for shows. I’m not even planning on entering any shows. I’m exploring the medium. I’m relaxed. I’m just really enjoying myself – the painting and the company. I’ve learned that art is just an amazing way to connect with others.

I’m thinking this is how art should be.

 

I’d love to hear from other artists. What’s your story? What are you into?