A Progressive Couple with Traditional Roles

My husband and I are very progressive when it comes to political and social issues and we are passionate about the causes we support. I’m proud to say we are founding members of the Toledo Chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America.

However, we have very traditional roles. My husband is the provider. I have a part-time job but I spend most of my time at home with our daughter. It has been this way for about two and a half years now.

We never planned this lifestyle; it was just how the pieces fell, but I like it this way. With my husband bringing home the bacon I have ample time to work on art and writing projects and my husband is very supportive of the things that I do. I’m extremely grateful for that. 

On the flip side, I know this puts me in a bad position because I am completely dependent on my husband. I trust him but if anything were to happen, I’d be fucked.

I also wonder what kind of effect this might have on our daughter. I want her to know that this is my choice and she can choose whatever kind of lifestyle she wants as well. I like my daughter to see the different projects I do and I hope one day she will be proud of my work. I want her to see me doing cool things because she can do cool things, too. 

I know if I wanted to work full time again, my husband would be completely supportive. But right now I’m really happy with how things are. I would never dream in a million years that I would be in this position, but it’s really working out for us.

Atheist Voices of Minnesota

A few weeks ago a bought a book from the same publisher that’s working on my poetry book. It’s called Atheist Voices of Minnesota. It’s an anthology of personal stories.

The book sounded interesting and I was curious, but when I read it, it felt like something I really needed — you know what I mean? I don’t believe in fate or anything like that, but it was like I bought the book at just the right time. 

The first thing I thought was that Minnesota is in the Midwest, so they’re probably conservative like Ohio, right? Maybe not so much. 

The net proceeds from the sale of the book go to the nonprofit organization, Minnesota Atheists. This organization is mentioned in a few of the stories. This motivated me to search for atheist groups in Ohio, and I actually found a few. Albeit, not as organized as the group in Minnesota, but at least I know they are out there and I can get involved. I didn’t see any nonprofit organizations like Minnesota Atheists, but I found a Meet Up group and Facebook page. That’s something.

I was also surprised that the people that contributed to the book didn’t discuss family resistance to coming out as much as I thought they would. That also gave me some hope. I’ve always considered myself very fortunate that most of my family knows I’m an atheist and I haven’t been disowned or anything. It doesn’t come up much. I don’t think this would be true for many atheists in this area.

I also found these personal stories motivating, especially considering my current projects. I am working on a book that is a series of essays on being an atheist with a mental illness as well as a book on secular parenting that is a collection of letters to my daughter. Obviously, these projects are both really personal to me, so reading authentic and candid stories from the lives of other atheists is incredibly inspiring. 

One particular story is about a person overcoming alcoholism, and they mention the religious aspects of AA. I wrote about the 12 Steps last week on my blog. I totally get that. I have schizoaffective disorder and have also noticed spiritual aspects of different recovery programs. This is one reason why I feel the essays I’m writing about mental illness are important. 

And one huge highlight — our own PZ Myers contributed his story to the book!

 

Buy the book here!

Are you an atheist vegetarian or vegan?

It seems like recently I’ve read a lot about atheists who are also vegetarian or vegan. Is this common? If this is you, did your atheism affect your decision to commit to your diet?

I personally don’t know any vegetarians. I’m sure there are some in Toledo, but I’ve never actually met any. It’s definitely not common where I’m from, either. Several years back I met a man from India who was a vegetarian. That’s honestly the last I can remember. 

I grew up eating a pretty traditional Midwest meat-and-potatoes diet. While my husband and I don’t eat as hearty of meals now, there’s still a lot of meat involved. 

I know this isn’t going to make me popular, but being from a rural area I was raised with the mentality that animals on the farm are raised to die. That is their purpose. I guess that was enough justification for me — actually, I just try not to think about where meat comes from. I’m a pretty sensitive person and I personify just about anything with eyes. Also, I get grossed out really easily. Yeah — up until now I just tried not to think about it.

I honestly think if I ever decided to become a vegetarian the people around me would laugh and not take me seriously. Not that I’m really thinking about it; I’m just curious. 

I would love to hear about your experience.

A Letter to My Daughter About Death

I am writing a collection of letters to my daughter of things I hope she’ll learn from a secular childhood. I’m really enjoying this project. Here’s one I wrote about death:

 

Dear daughter,

I feel like death is a complicated subject when it shouldn’t be. It’s our feelings surrounding death that make things complicated. 

I am scared of death, which is natural, but I’m not worried about where I’m going in the afterlife. I’m scared because there’s so much I want to do in life; will I get to do all of those things? Will I have spent enough time with my loved ones?

I recognize my worries are pretty pointless because when you’re dead you’re not aware of your goals and wants anyway. Death is only sad to those still living.

The belief in souls, heaven, and hell really makes the idea of death murky. I have a simpler explanation. Humans are a part of nature — another speck in the universe — and death is just a part of our life cycle. We return to the earth which we’ve always been a part of. 

It might be a nice thought to think you’ll live on in people’s memories, but the people with those memories eventually die, too. I’ve heard stories of my ancestors but they seem to fade with every passing generation. It’s definitely not the same as knowing them.

Instead of worrying about death, it’s better to concentrate on enjoying yourself now. Your time could be up at any time, so live your life to the fullest. 

My beautiful daughter — I am really enjoying the time I am spending with you right now, and that’s all that really matters.

 

Love,

Mom

What do you want to tell your kids about death?

How do you respond to “I’ll pray for you”?

I’ve never been shy about sharing my struggles with mental illness. Good, bad, and ugly — I put it out there through artwork, speeches, and writing. I would occasionally get an “I’ll pray for you” to which I say “thanks” and walk away. It’s annoying but that’s probably the safest response considering where I live.

Don’t even get me started on “thoughts and prayers”. That’s a bunch of bullshit. Every time I see a column of “thoughts and prayers” comments on Facebook I cringe. Then I go back to see if there is actually any way to help the situation — not by prayer but by action. 

Praying is a way to pretend to care but actually do nothing. Prayer doesn’t help anyone; it only makes the person praying feel better about themself — like they’re being so caring they might score a point with god bringing them one step closer to heaven. Wow. Putting it like that explains just how selfish praying is. The person praying helps themself while others continue to suffer.

When I was growing up I remember all of the prayers at school functions and I was always infuriated about it. (I went to a public school BTW.) So maybe I already had a chip on my shoulder about this topic.

How do you respond when someone says they’ll pray for you or offer you thoughts and prayers?

Have you ever tried to force yourself to believe?

This might sound a bit silly, but when I was younger I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t believe in god. It was almost like I was left out. What’s everyone else seeing that I’m not?

I went to church with friends on a pretty regular basis as a young teen. I thought if I went to church enough, I would understand what everyone else cared so much about. 

I just couldn’t force it though. After months, the things that went on at church seemed just as ridiculous as the first time I went. 

I think this just proves that no one is born religious. My parents skipped out on the indoctrination part when I was little, so I remained a skeptical blank slate.

Has anyone else tried to force themselves to believe?

Is is okay to let your kids swear?

A couple of days ago my daughter was working on an art project when she dropped a plate full of sand and glitter onto our rug. She froze for a minute and then looked at me and let out the most adorable and innocent “fuck”. My husband tries so hard not to react when she blurts out a swear word, but I can’t help but laugh. How could I ever be mad about the mess she made after that?

I honestly don’t intervene when my daughter swears. I know she gets it from me. I just think in the grand scheme of things it’s really not a big deal.

My dad really doesn’t like it. I laugh and he tells me it won’t be funny when she gets in trouble at school.

Do kids still get in trouble for swearing at school? I mean, maybe if it was every other word. But for an occasional exclamation? Schools around here do active shooter drills on a regular basis so I would think they would have bigger fish to fry.

I always assumed that keeping your language clean was a WASP thing. Is it different in other areas?

How do you feel? Is it a big deal if your kid swears?

The Current State of the US

It’s hard to describe my feelings about the current state of the US.

Anger at the dangerous, incompetent asshole in the White House.
Confused as to how he even made it to that position.
Disbelief that my fellow Americans actually voted for him.
Disappointment in the lawmakers who sit idle and do nothing.
Pride in the many people who are now standing up for what’s right — including right here in Toledo.
Regret that I haven’t joined them at a protest.
Shocked by the injustice.

I wish I could say, “I can’t believe it”, but unfortunately I can.

With all of these emotions, I feel the very least I can do is share information from a fellow blogger at Freethought Blogs, Pervert Justice. Please check out and follow their blog. They have personal stories of what’s really going on in Portland. It’s so important that these stories from the protest are distributed to a large audience so that people know the truth.

I truly believe anger can fuel progress and I know the people speaking out are going to make a difference.

How important is it for your partner to have the same political/ religious/ social views as you?

I dated so many different men — I mean, from all walks of life — when I was younger, so it’s pretty amazing that I ended up marrying someone who is so incredibly similar to me. 

My husband and I are from the same area, from German-American families, secular, and fiercely progressive and passionate when it comes to politics and social issues. We’re both pretty short — I’m 5’0” and he’s 5’5”. We’re both overweight and love road trips. We the exception of a few of our different hobbies and interests, we typically do everything together.

There’s only one thing I can think of that we truly disagree on, and that’s gun control. My husband thinks assault rifles should be banned in the US, but I think gun laws should be even stricter. My husband owns a gun but it’s at his cousin’s house because I won’t let him keep it at ours. 

How common is it to find someone so similar to yourself? Does it even matter? 

How close do your views align with your partner’s? How do you make it work if you’re different?

Are there some issues that are deal-breakers? I’ve dated men from a few different religions, and depending on how devout they were, that always seemed to be a deal-breaker for me. I just couldn’t look beyond that.

I’ve noticed that a few people that comment on my blog have partners of a different faith. How do you make it work?