Gay but Won’t Act on It?

I want to tell you about one of my saddest interactions with a religious person.

I have a friend that I grew up with. He was a pastor’s kid. We met in middle school and stayed friends throughout high school. We graduated and went our separate ways and I haven’t seen him since.

When Facebook came around we reconnected. I really enjoyed reading his posts and was genuinely interested in what he was up to. He was always very unique with a somewhat boisterous personality. I always thought he was a great guy.

A few years back he came out as gay on Facebook. He said he knows this about himself however, he will never act on it because it’s a sin.

I was dumbfounded. He isn’t allowed to fall in love? What kind of god won’t let you fall in love? 

This friend works for a popular Christian attraction. (I don’t want to say what it is to protect his identity.) So I’m sure there is peer pressure.

The comments following the post were just as disturbing. There were many that said, “You’re such a good Christian!” I went from dumbfounded to pissed. I wanted to leave a comment. I thought for a while about what I might say but eventually decided not to say anything at all. 

It’s his life and I need to let it go.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Do you know anyone who is openly gay but doesn’t act on it because it’s a sin? I think that would be such a horrible and difficult situation. Would you have commented on the post?

Answering Some Journal Prompts on Faith

I was looking for some interesting writing prompts, and one particular blog post delivered: A Dozen Nonthreatening Journal Prompts on Faith for the Post-Religious, from Someone with an M.A. in Religion | by Amy Hartsough. I thought it would be fun to answer a few of her questions here.

Where does my true power come from?

True power comes from learning – from past experiences and interactions with others. I move forward either confident in what I already know or with a desire to learn more. Each experience builds from the last. I go into each new adventure with a lifetime of pain, joy, sorrow, and hope. 

Do I have friends from different religious backgrounds? Do I want to?

This is a hard one. Most of the people I’m around are similar to me although my inner circle of loved ones is very small. Do I want friends from different religious backgrounds? Sure, as long as there’s some mutual respect regarding the topic. However, I don’t think they would be close friends. 

Do I have a “sacred space” in or near my home? What does this space mean to me?

I would say the library. I’m at the library all the time – by myself to write but also with my daughter. In our community, the library is crucial. Toledo’s poverty is overwhelming and the library does everything it can to help out – including serving meals. Here everyone is welcome at the library and I can’t think of a space more sacred. To me, the library is peaceful and I am more productive there than anywhere else. To others, it’s a lifeline. 

Do I have more faith or fear about the future?

Believe it or not, I actually have faith in the future. This might sound horrible, but I feel with the condition we are in now (politically, socially, etc.) we will eventually bottom out and as someone who works in mental health, I know rock bottom can bring drastic change. I feel we will soon hit a point where there’s nowhere to go but up. People talk about leaving the US and I don’t want to leave. This is my home and I want to make it a better place. I really do feel our situation will improve.

 

There are several more questions that I might take a stab at a later time. These were just the questions that jumped out at me first. I really enjoyed her prompts. I would love to read your answers to the questions! Do you agree or disagree with any of mine?

Update on Writing Projects

I wanted to post a little update on my writing projects.

Freethought House, the publisher of my poetry book, was also going to publish my memoir about mental illness, recovery, and atheism. However, they recently had two people resign and they are no longer able to move forward with my project. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with it yet. Maybe break it up and post it here or maybe find another publisher.

I recently submitted two entries to a short story contest. I rarely write fiction but I really enjoyed working on my entries. I am now convinced that I should spend a little more time working on fiction. Winners will be announced on October 31st and I’m currently looking for more contests to enter.

Also, I will be submitting my erotic poetry book to a poetry collection competition later this month. I have been working on this book for a really long time and this is the kick in the butt I need to wrap it up. 

I have been struggling with depression for the past few months and recently had a med change because of it. While I’m waiting for the meds to kick in, these writing contests seem to be the distraction that I need. I love to write and this is giving me something to work towards. I’m having a lot of fun with it.

As always, I am so grateful for your support. I will keep you all posted on my projects from time to time. Wish me luck with the contests!

Do you let religious people bother you?

I live in a red state in the Midwest so Christianity is hard to escape. You hear it everywhere – the workplace, standing in line at the grocery store, the doctor’s office, etc.

I once had an OBGYN reference the bible. That’s the last person I want preaching to me. You better believe that was my last appointment with her.

People bring up god openly and it is generally accepted. Christians around here aren’t afraid to talk – but I am and it pisses me off.

When I hear someone pushing religion it makes me really uncomfortable. I get angry and I can’t get it out of my head.

People tell me to let it go and be more accepting, but I can’t. It’s just not right. I can’t be the only one who feels uncomfortable, yet our voices go unheard.

Writing is my voice and sadly, the things I write on my blog I only discuss with my husband. The rest of the people in my personal life wouldn’t really be open to it.

But there is one exception. When I was promoting my poetry book, I spoke with many atheist and humanist groups. They were from all over and surprisingly, some were in my own backyard.

So I know I’m not alone – but how do I deal with the anger?

So many injustices and evils are rooted in religion so while someone saying “god is good” in the checkout lane may seem innocent, it really bothers me. How can something so wrong be so widely accepted?

So many Christians were just “raised that way” so maybe people truly don’t know what they’re supporting. Should I forgive their ignorance?

I know we are all humans just trying to get by but I also know the world would be a better place without religion. Even “innocent” comments out in the community perpetuate injustices and evils.

My anger is valid and justified but how do I keep it from eating me up inside?

Are you angry, too? How do you deal with it? Or maybe we can just commiserate together. Has anyone’s anger led to change? I would love to hear stories.

“Forbidden” — a poem from my book, Free to Roam

Forbidden

I’m drowning in your choppy sea of innocence.
You’re ass-deep in constricting dogma.

If you got your chance,
what would you do to me?

Green eyes and icy fingertips stripping me naked,
a bite that burns with intention.

Would you pin me down out of years of frustration
or newfound emancipation? We’ll never know.

This secret fantasy only plays out in your head
because god is always watching.

Sweet dreams, farm boy.
I’m going home to wash your shame off my dress.

 

My poetry book gives an atheist perspective on being a Midwest Mom. It is for sale on my publisher’s site freethoughthouse.com, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon. (Signed copies are available at freethoughthouse.com.)

Painful Lessons: Setting Boundaries and Toxic People

A common rule for people recovering from an eating disorder is to avoid conversations about dieting, so when I came home from treatment, I politely asked my loved ones to not talk about counting calories or losing weight in front of me. After all, if I was a recovering alcoholic, I doubt they would talk about drinking around me. It was a simple request really…

and they can’t do it. Every time I’m around my family there’s food shaming, body shaming, and general negativity around eating. After everything I’ve been through…and they just can’t keep their mouths shut.

What’s worse is my six-year-old daughter is hearing all of it. Eating disorders are very much a family problem and I am busting my ass to break the cycle.

One of the most difficult things I learned about in treatment was setting boundaries. I’m a bit of a pushover and people pleaser so stating my needs with confidence can be terrifying. It seems like every time I stand up for myself, I piss people off.

When my family makes comments about dieting, it’s not even the comments that bother me anymore but rather the fact that they won’t respect a boundary I set.

I actually think this can be a common problem for people when they come home from treatment. I’ve grown and I’m healthier but I came home to a family that hasn’t changed. How do I stay healthy among people with unhealthy habits?

After the trauma and pain of going through treatment, I am well aware that others are fighting their own battles, but I can’t let that derail my own recovery.

I hate thinking about how confronting family members might affect my daughter, but at the same time, I want to teach her to stand up for herself. We teach others how to treat ourselves so if someone disrespects you it must be addressed — don’t allow it to continue. This is something I was never taught growing up and I’ve paid dearly for it.

I’m in a fragile state so right now I am choosing to surround myself with supportive people and distance myself from those who are not – even with my family.

So, as always I am looking for your input. Do you have any advice on setting clear boundaries? And what do you do when someone disrespects them? How do you deal with unsupportive people – especially family members?

Toxic People

How do you know when a person is toxic enough to remove them from your life?
I have a toxic person in my life who I’ve endured for a few years and the time has come to weigh my options. Do I tolerate this person to keep the peace in my close-knit family? Or do I sacrifice the relationship to keep my recovery intact?

I really want to think about the benefits and consequences because if I choose to cut this person out of my life, it will have a ripple effect on my relationships with several other people.

How will this affect my daughter? What am I teaching her?

This will make family functions difficult. Is it worth it?

How do I find more supportive people?

I keep coming back to the thought that life is too short to be miserable.

Right now it feels selfish to take a stand because I’ve never done it before. It’s painful now but in the long run, I know it’s best for my well-being.

I know you don’t have to forgive and forget. Sometimes it’s best to just move on. I just want peace.

I would love to hear your input on this as well. Have you ever cut a toxic person out of your life? How did it feel? Was it worth it?

 

I want you to know that through it all my husband has been absolutely amazing. I am so grateful for his unwavering love and support. My battles have been relentless since coming home from treatment and he has stayed by my side. While I may struggle with the rest of my family, he has always had my back.

I also want to say thank you. I have written about some difficult topics since coming home from treatment earlier this year and you all have been wonderful.

Does being a skeptic make you more resilient?

When you are in recovery, you are bound to encounter the topic of “resilience”. It’s a certain toughness – an ability to bounce back from adversity. 

Not only am I in recovery myself, but I also spend a lot of time working as a peer supporter to help others. “Resilience” is the topic for a support group I’m going to facilitate. Obviously, I’m not going to bring up atheism or religion in the support group, but I thought it might be interesting to discuss here.

One of the ways I have overcome a lot of difficulty in my own recovery is by finding ways to stay grounded. As a person who has experienced psychosis, this can be especially difficult. Being an atheist grounds me. I know everything has an earthly explanation – even my psychotic symptoms. I am very aware of my illness which keeps me in treatment. I have seen my medications work so I choose to stay on them. The evidence presented in my wellness is key. 

Skepticism when it comes to my mental illness symptoms is crucial. I need the ability to question what I see, hear, and think. This also keeps me grounded and strengthens my resilience. It also lets me know when to ask for help.

Sometimes being resilient means keeping the bigger picture in mind. Knowing that a better life doesn’t exist after death reminds me to pursue the things I love and live with passion – right here and now. 

Are you resilient? Can the ability to question the world around you make you a little tougher in the face of adversity? I’d love to hear about your experiences.

The worst stigma is my own. (Mental Illness Recovery)

This is a tough post to write. Stigma is a sensitive topic; when it comes from yourself, it is associated with embarrassment and shame. Living with a mental illness is not easy and I don’t know any different. Medication is a game-changer but not a cure-all. Even when your symptoms go away you are left with a label. 

Stress exacerbates symptoms. So what do you do? Do you stay home and take it easy or do you see what the world has to offer? Either option is going to cost you. 

I have taken lithium for years.

In my early twenties, I tried several mood stabilizers with little success. I was still pretty new to the game having only been in recovery for a couple of years. My psychiatrist suggested lithium and it was definitely a drug I had heard of before – something I associated with “crazy” people. The routine bloodwork sounded scary as well. This was serious. As much as I was scared of being labeled “crazy” I also really wanted relief, so I reluctantly tried the medication.

Starting lithium came with some mental anguish, but now I’ve been on the med for many years and I take it every day without thinking twice about it. It really works for me. The stress I felt trying lithium was meaningless and counterproductive. 

I was treated for anorexia at 200 pounds.

This was more recent. I’ve struggled with eating disorders since the sixth grade. Last fall I felt myself slipping fast. I was very sick and I hit a point of no return around Thanksgiving. I knew I needed treatment. It was so difficult to reach out to treatment centers because I didn’t think anyone would take me seriously. I was overweight but also starving myself. I thought I would never get the treatment I needed, but thankfully when I called for help, people listened. 

It’s embarrassing to talk about having symptoms of anorexia when you look like me, but when I was admitted to the treatment center I saw people of all sizes. I thought I wouldn’t get the help I needed, but I was wrong. 

I was also treated for avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) and rumination disorder which I find much easier to talk about. 

I’m still very embarrassed about struggling with anorexia. The truth is eating disorders affect people of all sizes. I’m still coming to terms with that.

I still believe that no one will take me seriously.

Worrying about being taken seriously is a common theme in my life. I’m sure people see me as “crazy”. I’m open about my experiences which probably makes it worse, right?

I know my mental illness doesn’t define me, but it does explain a lot about why I do the things I do. I’m always trying to prove myself, mostly by taking on more and more projects. I want to tell the world, “look what I can do!” I feel that with having a mental illness that’s necessary.

But what if it’s not? What if no one actually cares if I have a mental illness?

My Pledge to Myself

My recovery will be a lifelong process. There are so many outside forces at play when you have a mental illness but the important conversations happen between you and your doctor. I let the world get to me and internalize negativity. My pledge to myself is to keep an open mind when it comes to treatment and mental health in general. This is my life and no matter how “crazy” I think I look my health is important. 

Can anyone relate? What stigma holds you back?

“Science is how god works.”

I went through this strange period when I was a kid – probably around junior high – where I tried to force myself to believe in god. I started going to church with my friends. Growing up I was secretly skeptical and fearful. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I a Christian? Why didn’t I believe? I thought if I went to church enough, I would see what everyone else saw.

It didn’t work. It only led to feeling isolated and alone with some serious inner turmoil. 

I could never deny my true feelings towards Christianity. Why would I put my faith into something that just doesn’t make sense? Even as a little kid I sensed things weren’t right. Going to church actually made me pretty uncomfortable. 

I struggled for years trying to come up with a concept of a higher power. As a teenager, I decided that “science is how god works”. God makes things happen and science is how he does it. Deep down I always knew that science was real and god was at best murky. I tried so hard to make it make sense.

Finally, after a life-changing event in my early twenties, I became an atheist. It was freeing but I was also a little scared. I didn’t know what people would think.

It just amazes me how damaging religion really is. My family wasn’t even religious. We didn’t go to church like my friends did. However, I still feel scarred from the pain and confusion I felt growing up in a conservative area. 

I’m sure many of you have a similar experience – the struggle of trying to make sense of something as ridiculous as religion. Sometimes I think that last-ditch effort is really just a push into atheism. 

I’d love to hear about your experiences.

Atheism and Recovery – What if I didn’t have a mental illness?

I became an atheist early in my recovery and it remains an important part of my life to this day. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder in my twenties. Dealing with psychosis was confusing and frightening but when I tried medication everything changed. I had always been skeptical but when I experienced hallucinations that were spiritual in nature I was left with a lot of questions. A moment of clarity came when the anti-psychotics kicked in. My hallucinations aren’t real – and neither is god. I was always looking for an explanation. I just never considered the explanation to be a mental illness. My diagnosis came with some relief – this is treatable.

That moment of clarity flipped a switch and I declared myself an atheist. Years of suffering came to an end with a simple solution – medication. 

But what if that moment never came? What if I never had a mental illness? Would I still be an atheist?

First of all, my husband asked me this question and it is so hard to picture. My mental health symptoms started in early childhood so I really don’t know any different. I am not my illness but it is still an important part of me. It often explains why I do the things I do.

My journey to becoming an atheist may be a little unique, but I still believe even if none of the mental health issues happened, I would still be an atheist.

I’m a curious person – it’s always been in my nature to question. I questioned the existence of god in childhood and the judgmental people in the town where I grew up definitely made me question the goodness of Christianity. Mental illness or not, I always knew I didn’t want to be like them. Questioning at that time came with a lot of guilt and fear but I feel no matter what I would have ended up with the same conclusion – I am an atheist.

Were there any specific events that led to your atheism? If those events hadn’t happened, do you still think you would be an atheist?