The Microbe World Is Coming! It Will Rot Your Genitals Off!

Herpes, Chlamydia, HPV, Pox, and Penicillin. Giant Microbes.

Phil Duck Dude Robertson has some dire news: the microbe world is coming, and it’s gonna getcha! How? Oh, Beyoncé, of course.

In a social media video for Independent Journal Review shared on Robertson’s Facebook page on Friday, Robertson listened to clips of various pop songs and predictably expressed his disapproval. Things started to go off the rails, however, when Robertson listened to Beyoncé’s song “Blow.”

Robertson motioned for the song to be cut off.

“And you wonder why 110 million of us have a sexually transmitted disease at any given time?” Robertson asked.

Robertson warned, “So according to God, the Center for Disease Control and me, don’t listen to that chick. She will lead you down a path into the microbe world. She’ll take you down a path you don’t want to go down.”

“Boys, look out, the microbes are coming. They will rot your genitals off,” Robertson said.

My oh my. I don’t wonder why so many people have an STD at any given time, the reasons are pretty much the same as always: ignorance. Consider what decades of puritanical hysteria over comprehensive sex education has wrought. Remember Bush the younger and his abstinence only programs? Oh, the christians were so excited and happy about that one! Might be somewhat impressive if you all took responsibility for that mess, rather than blame one particular artist. And why Beyoncé? I could make a guess, and it wouldn’t paint duck dude in a very good light, not that there’s much good light to begin with at all. Also, it’s not just ‘boys’ who have sex, Phil. Looks like you need remedial sex ed.

Now, I haven’t gone looking, but I’m pretty sure the CDC has never issued a Beyoncé warning.

The microbes, they have always been with us, and they aren’t going anywhere. As usual, education would be the key, and you can listen to any music you like. Just remember to get that protection on!

Via RWW.

Consider Soul Cakes, Turnips, & The Plague.

If you want to do something a bit different, consider Soul Cakes. There’s a good recipe here. Rather than go with carving pumpkins, why not give the traditional turnip a go?

A traditional Irish Jack-o’-Lantern in the Museum of Country Life, Ireland.

And the latest issue of Medievalist has a costume idea:

A Plague Victim.

It’s easy costume to prepare: – use beet juice rubbed on your face to create a flushed look.  Buboes can easily be made from bread dough – use honey to attach to your underarms. Wear an old dress or other clothing you don’t mind getting dirty – this way you can fall to the floor groaning dramatically. You can take advantage of the conflicting theories about the black death and, when caught eating, claim an enormous appetite is a common symptom.  You can throw your ‘buboes ’ at people, both delighting them at your humour and disgusting them at the same time!

Edited to add: I’d have a blast with  that – I’d probably go with ready to bake biscuit dough, paint the outside with food colouring, then make a hole to pour in slightly whipped cream, tinted green and yellow with food colouring, then pinched mostly closed. If you threw one of those at someone, you could properly make them scream! :D

Medieval Werewolves.

Medieval werewolves were a popular subject, but they were quite different from the slavering, unreasoning beasts of later depictions. Werewolves weren’t necessarily bad, and retained the ability to reason. Even the transformation was different.

One way of man-to-wolf transformation is to wear a wolfskin – this is most common in Old Norse-Icelandic literature, where the wolf-man is frequently referred to in skin-related terms, echoing the tradition of berserkr and úlfheðnar, battle-frenzied warriors wearing nothing but bear/wolf skin. Gerald of Wales (1146 – 1223) also reports a priest encountering a werewolf couple while travelling across the region of Ossory in Ireland. When the priest refused to perform last rites for the dying she-wolf, fearing that she might be some Devil ’s trick, the man-wolf ‘unzips ’ the wolfskin to reveal an old woman underneath, as if it were just a coat. The difference in transformative mode results in a difference in emphasis: when the wolf comes out of the man, it is as if the wolf – the wolf is the essence. In the medieval portrayal, on the other hand, even though in some cases the wolfskin/form does bring out the beast within, the man is only wrapped,hidden, but never destroyed, and the werewolf is more like a riddle, waiting to be solved.

In Jim C. Hines’s Princess series, I loved that the character of Red Hood was this form of werewolf – the inside of her red cape was a wolfskin. If she flipped it so the wolfskin was on the outside, she transformed.

Medieval werewolves got along just fine in knightly and courtly sense.

‘Be a wolf, have the understanding of … a man!’

The quote above is from Arthur and Gorlagon, [English starts on page 24] one of the four Arthurian Romances written in Latin. In the story, King Gorlagon is turned into a wolf by his treacherous wife. She could have gotten away with the crime, had she not made the mistake of enhancing ‘the understanding of a man ’ instead of  ‘the understanding of a wolf ’. A most unlikely mistake, and most unfortunate on the wife’s part, but it brings another major difference between modern and medieval werewolves: the medieval ones are rarely savage monsters; instead, they can be surprisingly intelligent, rational, and well-behaved. Melion, Bisclavret, and Gorlagon find no difficulty in mingling with the king ’s knights and courtiers – Gorlagon even sits on the horse and waits on the king’s table ‘with his forepaws erect ’. Granted, courtesy does not make werewolves mild and friendly creatures, but even when they perform some deeds of violence, that violence is well justified. Take Bisclavret for example: the wolf inflicts great harm upon his wife and her lover, but the action is read as revenge, thus confirming, rather than forfeiting the wolf ’s humanity.

Werewolf (1512).Lucas Cranach the Elder .Gotha,Herzogliches Museum (Landesmuseum).

Other differences were transformation triggers; Medieval werewolves were not ruled by the full moon. Bisclavret transformed at will, with no regard to the moon. There were two tales which did take a lunar trigger into account:

The only example of a full moon transformation is found in Otia Imperialia or ‘Recreation for an Emperor’, a speculum written by Gervase of Tilbury (1150 – 1220) for Otto IV (1175 –1218).  Gervase reports men turning into wolves ‘according to the cycles of the moon’. He gives two examples:The first, is a certain Pons de Chapteuil, a knight-turned-vagabond that becomes mad while ‘wandering alone like a wild beast … deranged by extreme fear’. Despite Gervase’s earlier mention of the moon, Pons de Chapteuil’s transformation is primarily a physical manifestation of his social identity and emotion. The other werewolf is Chaucevaire, who does transform under lunar influence, but does so only when there is a new moon, the opposite to a traditional full moon transformation. The connection between the werewolf and the moon the etymology of the Latin word moon, luna, which is associated with lunatics. Their loss of human reason dehumanizes them, rendering them figurative beasts, which, as the previous point shows, apparently is not the case with most werewolves.

In the Discworld Watch books, Terry Pratchett compromised with his primary werewolf character, Delphine Angua von Uberwald, who could transform at will, but was subject to an irresistible trigger at the full moon. Medieval werewolves also didn’t have an appearance which was distinct from natural wolves. They might have been a bit larger, but that was all, so there was no easy way to distinguish a werewolf.

I can’t help thinking that Aargh, the English Wolf would have considered them all with disdain.

From Medievalists, an article by Minji Su, Current DPhil student at Oxford university, researching on werewolves in medieval Icelandic literature.

Spirits of Malice and Other Undeadness.

New book!

The Penguin Book of the Undead: Fifteen Hundred Years of Supernatural Encounters, by Scott G. Bruce.

Just got this downloaded, really looking forward to it. Came across this at Medievalists, in a short article about how Medieval people dealt with those pesky dead people who refused to stay dead and buried. The cover art, which I think is fabulous, is by Anton Semenov, check out more of their work here.

This will make lovely nighttime reading.

Sunday Facepalm.

Archloon Larry Klayman has decided to start a petition, to appoint himself as special counsel, so he can imprison those evil Clintons and Pres. Obama, too. Naturally, this will fix all the ills. Here’s a very small excerpt from the nonsense petition*:

ONLY A SPECIAL COUNSEL CAN INVESTIGATE AND BRING STRONG CRIMINAL CHARGES OVER THESE SCANDALS AND I AM THE PERSON TO DO THIS. IN ALL MODESTLY, I AM THE ONLY LAWYER WHO HAS THE GUTS TO FINALLY BRING THE CLINTONS AND OBAMA AND HIS FELLOW CRIMINALS TO JUSTICE, INDICT THEM AND HAVE THEM THROWN IN PRISON FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, WHICH IS WHERE THEY BELONG.

As even the slightly left and prestigious National Journal observed many years ago, “The main reason Larry Klayman is exasperating to many people across the ideological spectrum is that he ignores the rules of partisan combat that define Washington. Many political operatives have come to realize that Klayman is impossible to sway, because he seeks no Establishment credentials, and has none to protect.” The National Journal, Louis Jacabson, (June 29, 2002), Number 26.

I, LARRY KLAYMAN, AM THE RIGHT MAN TO FINALLY BRING THE CLINTONS AND OBAMAS AND THEIR CRIMINAL COLLABORATORS TO JUSTICE AND FOR THIS REASON, PLEASE SIGN THE ENCLOSED PETITION TO URGE PRESIDENT TRUMP AND HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT TO APPOINT ME TO THIS POST.

Years ago, my friend Alan Keyes, when he was running for president, said I would be his Attorney General if he was elected. Now, it’s time for me to be a real Attorney General and have President Trump direct the Justice Department to appoint me as special counsel, who would have all the powers of the Attorney General in these criminal matters.

TIME IS SHORT AND OUR SYSTEM OF JUSTICE AND OUR FREEDOMS HANG IN THE BALANCE.

God bless you and your loved ones as we seek to preserve the heritage of our Founding Fathers and the Republic for which they stood and died for.

[*The original has the all caps in bold, I removed this, for everyone’s sake as well as my own.] Now, anyone remotely familiar with Klayman won’t be at all surprised by this latest bit of grandstanding. If there was some sort of award for worst lawyer ever, Klayman would sweep it every time. Apparently, I was in the mood for a bit of self torture, because I wandered over and had a look at the whole mess. As I was skimming some of the comments by signers, I came across this one:

The American people want the swamp cleaned up! This would be a great start!!!

Right there is a beautiful illustration of Trumpholes in a nutshell. I’m pretty sure there was a loudmouthed idiot who kept making declarations about draining a swamp, who was that, oh yes, Trump. That would be one of the reasons idiots like the above person voted for the Tiny Tyrant. It’s quite obvious that’s not going to happen, the swamp is just gonna grow and grow and grow, and devour everyone. Except the filthy rich, who will get richer. Instead of realizing they went for the pig in a poke, they grasp at lunacy like Klayman’s pointless petition.

Winter arrived early here, and it’s cold and bleak. It’s not a good time to be reminded of the profound depth of stupidity Trumpholes embrace with enthusiasm. It’s a pity brain transplants aren’t a thing. Even zombie brains would be better.

There’s video and links at RWW, if you wish.