I’ve gotten so weary over the years about the pervasive nonsense people hold in their heads about bisexuals, I gave up trying to talk sense about it. That was wrong, and I’ve been reminded that said nonsense still holds sway, and if things are ever going to get better for bisexual people, everyone has to get a good handle on the reality, and keep on speaking up. I’ve had a woman say to me “stay the hell away from my husband!…and me too!” and a man say to me “stay the hell away from my wife!” even though I’m very long time married , and happily so. I have no interest in someone else’s spouse because I’m not interested in cheating, it doesn’t have anything to do with me being bi. It has more to do with me disliking any relationship in which a person will be hurt. After a while, such things didn’t even elicit an eyeroll, just a small sigh. Then I stopped talking about it, or mentioning it at all. Bisexual people still remain invisible, and often when we are visible, it’s simply to be scoffed at by someone or other. I think I can do better, and I think most other people can do better, too.
Eliel Cruz has a good article up at The Advocate, addressing the top problematic societal beliefs and behaviour regarding bisexual people.
So here we are in the supposedly enlightened year of 2016, and yet, biphobia persists. In no particular order, here are a few of the most tiresome lies society really needs to stop telling about bisexual people.
1. Bisexuals don’t exist.
This is the first and most pervasive lie about bisexuality. Some people simply can’t fathom a sexuality in which individuals are attracted to more than one gender. You can test the waters, but you eventually must pick a side, the thinking goes. But bisexuals don’t need science — or the approval of those attracted to only one gender — to prove that they exist.2. Bisexuals are just going through a phase.
Yes, it’s true that plenty of gays and lesbians used bisexuality as a way to soften the blow of coming out to conservative parents. Many may even have identified as bi for a time while they were still making sense of their own orientation. And while coming out is an intensely personal decision, the strategies of some should not invalidate the identities of the majority, for whom bisexuality wasn’t a “stepping stone” but the final, concrete destination.
3. Bisexuals are sexually greedy.
Bisexual people are not automatically more promiscuous than any other person — gay or straight. Being attracted to more than one gender does provide more potential partners, but it doesn’t increase one’s likelihood of physically or emotionally connecting with said potential partner. And just as having an eclectic taste in wine does not make one an alcoholic, being bisexual does not make you greedy.4. Bisexuals are cheaters.
A cheater is a cheater. Bisexual people cheat, and so do people who identify as straight, gay, trans, or anything else. A person’s sexuality or gender identity doesn’t make them cheat.5. All bisexuals are polyamorous.
While polyamory might appear more prevalent in the queer community, there is no hard data that ties polyamory more directly to bisexuals than people of any other orientation. Pursuing that type of relationship structure isn’t attached to any given sexuality.6. Bisexuals are scared of commitment.
Being attracted to both genders doesn’t have anything to do with commitment. Alan Cumming addressed this misconception in a candid interview last year. “I have a healthy sexual appetite and a healthy imagination,” Cumming told Instinct magazine. “I still define myself as a bisexual even though I have chosen to be with Grant. I’m sexually attracted to the female form even though I am with a man and I just feel that bisexuals have a bad rap.”7. All women are bisexual.
The sexualization of women knows no bounds in today’s contemporary culture. But just because mainstream media continues to exploit female sexuality in a transparent attempt to sell products doesn’t mean that all women swing both ways, a la Shakira and Rihanna in “Can’t Remember to Forget You.” Sorry, Shakira, we’re not buying what those hips are selling.8. Bisexuals are attracted to anything that moves.
Oh, please. Just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean they don’t have standards. This is the same logic that homophobic dudes use for why they don’t want to share a locker room with gay men. You wish we were looking at your junk, honey.9. Bisexuals are only attracted to binary genders.
Respected bisexual activist Robyn Ochs (pictured) describes bisexuality as the potential “to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.” So no, it’s not about the binary, folks.10. Bisexuals spread HIV.
Men who have sex with men are at a disproportionate risk of HIV infection. But that doesn’t make bisexuals more likely to spread the disease — taking the proper precautions is necessary regardless of your sexual orientation. Always use protection, and know your partner’s status and your own.11. Bisexuals live for threesomes.
Threesomes are not a hallmark of the bisexual lifestyle — they are merely an option, just as they are for any other sexual being.12. Bi erasure is a myth.
In fact, the San Francisco Human Rights Commission released a 50-page report in 2011 on bi invisibility within the LGBT population, proving that the phenomenon is alive and well. As detailed by the commission, verbiage such as “gay marriage” or “homosexuality” aren’t inclusive and erase bisexual people’s identity. And even major Pride festivals aiming to be inclusive seem to be missing the message.13. Bisexuals are a small community.
In 2007, a survey of 768 self-identified lesbians, gays and bisexuals found that a full 48.9 percent identified as bisexual — nearly half. Bisexuals might not speak out as much as their lesbian and gay siblings, but that’s more likely due to lingering stigmas than it is to a lack of numbers. Like it or not, bisexual people are here, and they’re here to stay.So to review, these are the things bisexual people are tired of hearing, to quote BuzzFeed:
Via The Advocate.
This is totally familiar to me. It is bone tiring to constantly hear you don’t exist, or feel the way you feel. I feel like I have to identify as queer just to stop getting pushback from the LG community. I don’t think a quarter century is a phase, y’all!
Don’t read the comments on the Advocate article. They are ugly.
Not incredibly in the scope of the article, but what annoys me the most is probably the gold-star LG people.
I think my fastest case of sudden-onset nausea came from a tumblr post that said something to the effect of “it is non-negotiable to disclose to your lesbian girlfriend if you’ve been with a man before”.
Because, you know, a bisexual is tainted and might carry some of those spooky male/female cooties to their SGA partner
Stellatree:
Oh gods, didn’t occur to me, thankfully. I have to turn off adblock to see the comments there, which I rarely do.
Vivec:
I’ve run across that too. Bi people are definitely the unwanted, red-headed stepchild infected with cooties as far as queer folk are concerned. It’s very reminiscent of the “ooh, you aren’t pure blooded” business.
Not to mention that some of these gold star types don’t just mean consensually “tainting” yourself. The OP of that post clarified that even lesbians who were raped by men have to disclose their sexual history with men to their partner.
Vivec:
Oh for…that’s appalling. As if it’s in someone’s control, getting raped. Christ.
OK, I see lots of reasons why one might decide not to discuss one’s bisexuality supposing one was settled in a heterosexual marriage, lots of cons. Are there any pros?
Demonstrating trust and fitness with your partner would probably be the big thing for me. Anyone who wouldn’t be cool with my being bisexual or agender isn’t worth being with, so coming out about that can serve as a good litmus test.
Martha:
Honesty about your identity? Being bi is an much a part of my identity as is being some other orientation. Why should I have to keep quiet about that? Saying or talking about being bisexual should not be met with scoffs, scorn, denial, handwaving, or other negativity.
These myths and lies about bisexual people predominate precisely because bisexual people keep getting slapped with overwhelming negativity. That won’t change if we all keep quiet.
Vivec @4, WTF WTF WTF. That’s horrible.
Martha @6,
Being visible helps others who might be in the closet or feeling insecure about being out. Exhibit A: Caine is making it easier and safer for me to talk about being bi+! Thanks, Caine!
I was trying to think of the cons, if you’re in a loving, kind, mutually consensual heterosexual marriage… because presumably being married means you share views and ideals and have a certain level of trust. It should be something you can tell your spouse without being castigated for it; it’s a part of your identity, what makes you YOU.
(Also, this kind of information is between you and your spouse — it can pertain to you, your (collective and personal) fantasies and attractions and mutual sex life, which is kind of important to a lot of heterosexual couples (and not only!), and something spouses should be willing to explore and experience with each other openly. Plus you’re married, you’ve made that choice, and if Spouse is truly your loving and caring spouse, they will understand that.)
… Though obviously I was looking at this in a narrower perspective.
I would add that this is probably easier within the context of a heterosexual marriage with a supportive spouse.
As far as being partnered, yeah, I think being honest about your orientation is important. If you lie about that, well, you’d pretty much be willing to lie about anything. Rick knows I’m bisexual. I know he’s hetero.
I still believe that once we’re past heteronormativity, lots of people will end up as bisexual. In some sense the bigots are right: If you don’t demonize same sex attraction people may question things and actually look at the world with different eyes.
Personally I don’t know whether I’d restrict myself to the male side of the fishing territory should I ever go looking for a partner again. Since I’m not looking and pretty monogamous as well, it’s not something I worry about much.