As long as we’re talking about relationships, one of the things I look for these days, right off the bat in any prospective relationship, plutonic or otherwise, is a pattern of evasiveness. Can that woman answer a simple question, like ‘do you want to go out this weekend?’ Most girls can answer that, they may say no and make themselves unavailable, but they can answer it. The evasive person will never quite say yes and never quite say no, and this pattern will persist. They’ll answer with “Maybe, I’ll let you know” and then they never let you know and repeat this same speil over and over.

Call them, text them, as the day of approaches and there’s no answer. But then, just when you think that was a polite blow off, text and calls come in implying they really do want to see you afterall, it’s just that something came up, they were just busy, or their phone was lost, or someone broke into their car and took their phone, etc., the stories become more and more improbable each time but the outcome is always the same: they missed that date, but not because they don’t like you! Oh no, no no! They really want to see you. Then the pattern repeats itself the next time you ask them to do something. I learned the hard way a couple of years ago that this is a bad sign.

This woman was definitely out of my league, for starters at the time I was way overweight, but we men are dopes, we’re easily deluded. She and I went out one time, after that every time I tried to make another date it was an ordeal. She didn’t blow me off, in fact she affirmed several times she really wanted to see me. But in practice about half the time she wouldn’t commit, she could not be pinned down on a specific date and time, she would simply stop responding once I started trying to do that. And most of the times she did commit I would get blown off at the last second, usually by text. In the one in ten times she actually kept the date there was always a huge catch. The pattern was always along the lines of “someone else screwed up at the last second and their screw up will mean we can’t have any fun … unless you help me fix it.”

The scam worked like this: in those rare events when I did show up expecting her company, it was only be after being told “I have a terrible migraine and won’t be much fun. I wouldn’t blame you if you just cancelled on me … the pharmacy messed up my painkiller script and won’t have it ready today … say, do you have any prescription painkillers?” Or “My ex room mate is saying if I don’t drop off her TV tonight, that she left at my upstairs apartment by accident, she’s gonna call the cops and say I stole it and it’s stressing me out! Say … could you deliver that big giant TV to her on the other side of town in middle of rush hour before we go out?” Or “I’m so upset I doubt I’ll be much fun. The bank messed up my deposit and if I don’t pay the electric bill they’re gonna turn off my power! I’m too stressed … unless … say can you lend me 250 bucks just overnight, you know, until the bank fixes it?”

By the time of the $250 loan request I knew I was being conned, said no thanks, and stopped contacting her. At that point she begin leaving voice mails and texts that were increasingly extreme. Pleas for help of all kinds mixed in with veiled threats that grew more and more serious. Stuff like “I thought we really had something, I thought you were speciel, not like all the other guys, I guess I was wrong.” But as time went by and I didn’t respond, they got more dramatic and more threatening. Finally, weeks after I had last seen her, I got a text at 2 O’clock in the morning saying she was in trouble and didn’t like being ignored, and if I didn’t repond she was going to call the cops and tell them I assaulted her.

I spent that whole fucking night laying awake waiting for the cops to show up and arrest me.

The next morning I went and talked to an old friend who worked with the local police department. Soon a detective got in touch with me, and sure enough, they knew all about this women and her various schemes. She had a rap sheet of petty theft, blackmail, various forms of scamming mens’ debit and credit cards, check kiting, passing fraudulent checks, you name it. They told me point blank she has a history of preying on “Average looking middle-aged men,” and that “odds are you are one of just several she is stringing along right now.” I was hugely relieved, I guess the cops talked to her because I never heard from her again.

If someone likes you and wants to be around you, they’ll be available sooner or later. If someone doesn’t want to be around you, they won’t be. But if someone constantly seems to be available but repeatedly never is, except under weird, dire circumstances where you are bending over backwards to do them some kind of huge favor, that’s a warning flag gents. Don’t miss it.