There is this picture of Jesus that hangs crudely on the bedroom wall of ‘my dear one’. Inscribed on the picture is the title ‘Mighty Jesus’, with the message
:
With God All Things Are possible- Mark 10:27
Avec Dieu Tout est Possible- Mark 10:27
Save Me from the hand of the Wicked Oh Lord – Psalm 140:4
Libere Moi Des Mains Des Mechants Oh, Seigner- Psalm 140:4
The picture is strategically placed in a position that enables it stare right down at the bed and its occupants. Now, if I was to do anything naughty on that bed, I might feel queasy that Jesus is watching or I might just take pleasure in having an audience.
Anyway, I can’t escape this picture of Jesus glaring at me disapprovingly. Its glass frame was cracked and there was this time when i closed the bedroom door, a chunk of broken glass from the cracked frame almost hit me. There and then, I decided it won’t be funny if my epitaph reads:
Here lays an atheist, eternally knocked down by a flying Jesus frame; a dead proof that Jesus is real!
I dumped the picture in the dustbin but ‘my dear one’ was aghast! I explained to her that it was to avoid death by a flying piece of glass, not a diss on her faith. She removed the glass hazard and put the now glassless Jesus frame back in its place of pride, to stare unencumbered at us mere mortals on the bed.
I asked ‘my dear one’ why she did not get rid of the picture considering that it has been broken for quite some time now. She explained that she actually requested someone to buy the picture from Nigeria and the glass got broken in transit. Curious, I asked her why she had to go through the trouble of buying a framed picture of Jesus from Lagos, Nigeria and have it transported to her in London, UK when she could easily buy as many pictures of Jesus as she could here in London. She explained that the pictures of Jesus in Nigeria are better than the pictures of Jesus in London.
I was like, really, what is the difference? Is it not the same Jesus and wait a minute, didn’t t the British introduce Jesus to you, now you are claiming your picture of Jesus is better than theirs?
Well, she was adamant that there is something about the pictures of Jesus made in Nigeria that is better than the pictures of Jesus made in Britain.
Hmm…methinks, it has to do with the words inscribed in these Naija Jesus pictures. BTW, she also said that pictures of Jesus are cheaper in Lagos than in UK. That explains a lot!
Anyway, not long after this episode, I went to a Nigerian eatery joint in London to eat Amala and ewedu with my Nigerian, Christian, Anglican friend. I casually asked him if Jesus has different looks, if he feels that made in Nigeria pictures of Jesus are better than those made in Britain and what he feels about a black Jesus. He stated firmly that his own Jesus is not black.
Almost choking on my morsel, I asked how he could be so sure. He explained that if Jesus was black, he would have an evil heart. He claimed his own Jesus is white and has a heart as pure as snow.
Wow, talk about skin colour hang-ups!
I asked if there is an Asian Jesus or Americana Jesus. He answered that his Jesus is white and if Jesus has a nationality, it would be British. Hmm…Ok.
My friend also kept harping on about how Anglican Jesus is better than Pentecostal Jesus and the Catholic Jesus, so I asked if there are different versions of Jesus. I mean does the Anglican have its own Jesus different from the Catholic Jesus and Protestant Jesus? Well, according to my Nigerian, Christian, Anglican friend, Yes. 
Now I am confused, it isn’t just the Skin colour or nationality of Jesus that differs but also his denomination.
Jeez, I am sure its holy noodleness, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, brings no such confusion!
Actually, I like the many faces of Jesus and I do find it difficult choosing which one I like best. I think I will go with ‘Animie Eyes Jesus’, so sexy! What about you?
But is the FSM composed of common spaghetti or angle hair pasta? Inquiring minds want to know.
Sexy Anime Eyes Jesus is a creepy voyeur, though.
Restored jesus is still my favorite one
Thank you for this article. It made me chuckle, sigh, and shake my head.
If I were a Christian, this is what my Christ would look like.
@machintelligence -- Its holy Noodlessness is not composed of common Spaghetti, it is divine Pasta! it can angle its noodly appendage any way it pleases. It mercifully boiled for my sin and also turned itself into a yummy dessert for my birthday.
@Félix Desrochers-Guérin -- Yes , I know, oh yes I know.
@Aliasalpha -- Oh Jeez, I forgot about restored Jesus! He is the stuff nightmares are made of!
@Martin Waddington You are welcome, I had fun writing it.
@csrster That Christ looks too stiff, but whatever floats your boat. 🙂
It’s amazing how Jews are conveniently white or not-white depending on the situation, no? (Or how Jesus may or may not be a Jew, somehow, as is convenient.)
The Jesus picture described in the post was certainly a hazard for physical reasons, but I have a hard time deciding which is creepier hanging over a bed: Some image of the Jesus, or a photograph of the current Pope. (Because I’ve known some young married Catholics with a penchant for this in their boudoir decor, I had to mention it.)
Gotta vote for the Buddy Christ, the only one that actually looks optomistic.
It’s a toss-up between lamb Jesus and walking on water Jesus. Both look pretty cool. Lamb Jesus looks cute, but walking on water Jesus looks like he’s dancing. Does your friend have any idea how ridiculous he sounds? He must be being ironic with that whole Jesus is British thing. Jesus is half-Spanish; I kid. My hypothesis about this phenomenon is called the Jesus Looks Like My Long-Haired Brother Hypothesis. The hypothesis states that if someone’s brother were to grow out their hair, no matter what race they’re from, they’re going to look like Jesus, especially to their family members. This explains Arabic Jesus, Jewish Jesus, Christian Jesus, blond Jesus, black Jesus, and my brother Jim during his college years.
I like this Jesus -- what he’d actually probably look more like.
@busterggi- Do you have a pic of the buddy Christ? I don’t think I have seen it. Do share.
I do have a pic of a Buddha Homer Simpson Do’h!
Maddie- Yeah, Lamb Jesus looks cute and romantic. Walking on water Jesus looks like he would win an 80’s drag pop queen competition!
I must confess, to me, all white people who grow out their hair look like rock and roll Jesus!
@KevinKat, Panda Rouge, Dansant au Soleil -- That looks more like one of the apostles than Jesus!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddy_Christ
Here’s the link, I’d put the pic in if I knew how.
I’m also going to have to vote with Buddy Christ.
That is the least freaky, creepy, not bleeding and broken image of Jesus I can recall.
I am impressed by the grade of information on this site. There are a lot of fine resources below. I am sure I’ll visit this place again quickly.
busterggi Hmm Buddy Jesus has a jarring big head, big hands and a forced ‘buddyship’ Something about the body proportion freaks me out and that winking, closed eye.. just creepy. But that is just me.
If you receive comments notification in your mailbox, you can check how the links are inserted. I have inserted the buddy link in this comment. Here, it shows as a link but in your mailbox, it will show the full text of the link.
I have tried to insert the full text here to explain it, but it keeps turning to a link!
Hope this helps.
mmm, the award goes to black ‘n’ sexy Jesus! what a yummy delicious looking jesus. that picture needs to be stationed in churches everywhere. it’d surely keep the women (and a good number of men) coming to church all the time (& the pun was fully intended!)
May your souls rot in hell amen! I believe in God!
@Cocobutter -No need to throw tantrums on behalf of your Sjydaddy, Go suck in a corner and await the apocalypse. 🙂
I have my own commentary about the Jesus of Nigeria on my Facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/davis.sidney/media_set?set=a.10200348620735685.229908.1159765532&type=3