Uh-oh. Registration required.

Too much garbage is coming down the pipeline, so I’m going to have to throttle it. I’m flipping the switch to require registration in order to comment, just for a while. If it locks out too many good people, I’ll flip it off again…but I really need to do this to limit some of the spam.

My new, revised retirement plan

My former plan for a prosperous retirement plan involved suddenly finding Jesus and winning a Templeton Prize, but it always left an unpleasant taste in mouth. Sure, I’d be rich, but to do it I’d have to stand up in front of the whole world and pretend to be an addled moron. It was going to take a lot of drinks-in-coconuts-with-umbrellas to wash that indignity into unawareness, you know.

But now I have a new plan that leaves my dignity mostly uncompromised! Well, somewhat compromised. Here’s the idea:

  1. Go to England.

  2. Chat up a few vicars.

  3. Become horribly offended that they are not atheists.

  4. Sue the whole delusional lot of them for rejecting my unbelief.

I’ll be following the case of the Muslim woman who had a conversation about religion with her Christian hotel hosts with some anticipation — it could set a very useful precedent for me. Oh, and if that isn’t enough, Melanie Phillips and Andrew Brown have already said some horribly unkind things about us atheists. Perhaps I can hang the whole British journalistic establishment upside down and shake them for the pennies in their pockets.

Other strategies involve hunting down Simon Cowell and singing in front of him. I’m positive that whatever he says will be actionable. People can’t go around having different opinions and even expressing them, you know!

OH NO! WARNING! ALERT ALERT ALERT!

Everyone: start partying. You don’t have much time left. THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW.

You might be tempted to go read the evidence on that page, but trust me, there is no time to waste — you really need to get frolicking now, because so little time is left. Besides, if you look at the colors and funny fonts and ugly layout of that page, your eyes will start bleeding and you might experience cerebral hemorrhaging…and do you really want to spend the last day of your life in the emergency room?

OK, you’re all skeptics. You need data. Here it is: proof positive that the Rapture will occur on 21 September 2009.

i-32615f4c2c98a1e32f32b865575bc208-time_wave-thumb-400x271-19350.jpeg
(Click for larger image)

I tell you, how can you deny that? Math doesn’t lie!

Go! You don’t have much time left.

Oh, no. I just realized — the liquor store in Morris is closed on Sunday! And there’s no porn for sale anywhere in town! And I don’t smoke, and don’t have a clue where to get drugs!

By the way, we really need to check that web page again on 22 September. Remind me.

Missiology?

I have learned something new today: you can get a Ph.D. in converting the heathen!

DEVELOPING A CHURCH PLANTING MOVEMENT IN INDIA
By DANE WINSTEAD FOWLKES
submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements
for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY
in the subject
MISSIOLOGY
at the UNIVERSITY OF THE FREE STATE
SUPERVISOR: PROFESSOR PIETER VERSTER
November 2004

Here’s the abstract, if you’ve got a hankerin’ to head on over to India and undermine the Hindu religion, it might be useful.

This dissertation acknowledges the need for Church Planting
Movements among the unreached peoples of India. Of particular concern to
this study is the application of Church Planting Movement strategy to
forward caste Hindus of India.

It traces the historical development of group or people movement
strategy and then compares that strategy with traditional missionary
approaches in India. It shows that evangelizing households is the primary
strategy of the New Testament and the most appropriate strategy for
initiating Church Planting Movements. The thesis carefully examines
salvation understanding in the Hindu context and its relationship to the caste
system. All of this lays a foundation for a proper approach to evangelization
of forward caste Hindus in light of the fact that there have been no
documented Church Planting Movements among forward caste Hindus in all
of India.

The paper concludes that the best approach to facilitating a Church
Planting Movement among forward caste Hindus is by not planting
churches. As contradictory as this sounds, the paper shows that Christian
disciples remaining within Hindu culture and familial systems holds the
potential for the most indigenous approach to establishing multiplying
churches among forward caste Hindus.

Now I’m wondering…are there equivalent documents in India that describe how to peel American Christians away from their churches? It would be useful information to have.

As for me, I love socialism!

Print the pledge and ask all your teabagger/libertarian friends and family to sign it!

The Teabagger Socialist-Free Purity Pledge

I, ________________________________, do solemnly swear to uphold the principles of a socialism-free society and heretofore pledge my word that I shall strictly adhere to the following:

I will complain about the destruction of 1st Amendment Rights in this country, while I am duly being allowed to exercise my 1st Amendment Rights.

I will complain about the destruction of my 2ndAmendment Rights in this country, while I am duly >being allowed to exercise my 2ndAmendment rights by legally but brazenly brandishing unconcealed firearms in public.

I will foreswear the time-honored principles of fairness, decency, and respect by screaming unintelligible platitudes regarding tyranny, Nazi-ism, and socialism at public town halls. Also.

I pledge to eliminate all government intervention in my life. I will abstain from the use of and participation in any socialist goods and services including but not limited to the following:

  • Social Security

  • Medicare/Medicaid

  • State Children’s Health Insurance Programs (SCHIP)

  • Police, Fire, and Emergency Services

  • US Postal Service

  • Roads and Highways

  • Air Travel (regulated by the socialist FAA)

  • The US Railway System

  • Public Subways and Metro Systems

  • Public Bus and Lightrail Systems

  • Rest Areas on Highways

  • Sidewalks

  • All Government-Funded Local/State Projects (e.g., see Iowa 2009federal senate appropriations–http://grassley.senate.gov/issues/upload/Master-Approps-73109.pdf)

  • Public Water and Sewer Services (goodbye socialist toilet, shower, dishwasher, kitchen sink, outdoor hose!)

  • Public and State Universities and Colleges

  • Public Primary and Secondary Schools

  • Sesame Street

  • Publicly Funded Anti-Drug Use Education for Children

  • Public Museums

  • Libraries

  • Public Parksand Beaches

  • State and National Parks

  • Public Zoos

  • Unemployment Insurance

  • Municipal Garbage and Recycling Services

  • Treatment at Any Hospital or Clinic That Ever Received Funding From Local, Stateor Federal Government (pretty much all of them)

  • Medical Services and Medications That Were Created or Derived From Any Government Grant or Research Funding (again, pretty much all of them)

  • Socialist Byproducts of Government Investment Such as Duct Tape and Velcro (Nazi-NASA Inventions)

  • Use of the Internets, email, and networked computers, as the DoD’s ARPANET was the basis for subsequent computer networking

  • Foodstuffs, Meats, Produce and Crops That Were Grown With, Fed With, Raised With or That Contain Inputs From Crops Grown With Government Subsidies

  • Clothing Made from Crops (e.g. cotton) That Were Grown With or That Contain Inputs From Government Subsidies

  • If a veteran of the government-run socialist US military, I will forego my VA benefits and insist on paying for my own medical care

I will not tour socialist government buildings like the Capitol in Washington, D.C.

I pledge to never take myself, my family, or my children on a tour of the following types of socialist

locations, including but not limited to:

  • Smithsonian Museums such as the Air and Space Museum or Museum of American History

  • The socialist Washington, Lincoln, and Jefferson Monuments

  • The government-operated Statue of Liberty

  • The Grand Canyon

  • The socialist World War II and Vietnam Veterans Memorials

  • The government-run socialist-propaganda location known as Arlington National Cemetery

  • All other public-funded socialist sites, whether it be in my state or in Washington, DC

I will urge my Member of Congress and Senators to forego their government salary and government-provided healthcare.

I will oppose and condemn the government-funded and therefore socialist military of the United States of America.

I will boycott the products of socialist defense contractors such as GE, Lockheed-Martin, Boeing, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, Raytheon, Humana, FedEx, General Motors, Honeywell, and hundreds of others that are paid by our socialist government to produce goods for our socialist army.

I will protest socialist security departments such as the Pentagon, FBI, CIA, Department of Homeland Security, TSA, Department of Justice and their socialist employees.

Upon reaching eligible retirement age, I will tear up my socialist Social Security checks.

Upon reaching age 65, I will forego Medicare and pay for my own private health insurance until I die.

SWORN ON A BIBLE AND SIGNED THIS DAY OF ____________ IN THE YEAR ______________.

___________________________ ___________________________

Signed Printed Name/Town and State

If you don’t stop doing that, you’ll go extinct!

Those darned Christians are always ruining our fun. Now we’re getting preemptive finger-wagging: we have been warned that sex with robots is always wrong. The author is afraid we’re going to someday run out and buy life-like android sex slaves, and then humanity will go extinct…because of course we’d all prefer to have sex with a perfect Christian woman an obedient, unquestioning, subservient machine.

(Shhh. While he’s busy looking for androids to cluck over, don’t let him know that the sex machines are already here. They aren’t humanoid at all. They tend to have shapes that vary from simple cylinders to oddly bumpy-twisted things that get around some of the deficiencies of our natural forms, and they vibrate. They also don’t seem to be leading to the disappearance of the species.)

Weird science

I am shackled to my laptop, writing, writing, writing for a while as all of my body but brain, eyes, and fingers atrophy, so I’m going to have to send you off elsewhere to find your jollies. Gary Farber has compiled a fine collection of short, strange science links…well, some are only tangentially science, but they’re weird, anyway.

Someday, when my work is done, I must make the pilgrimage to Darwin, Minnesota, to see the world’s largest ball of twine.