Years ago, when my kids were little and easily impressed, we had a tradition of making pancakes on Sunday morning (better than church!). I’d sometimes go wild and make a mickey mouse pancake, or sometimes we’d have chocolate chip pancakes, but I never played around quite as much as Jim, who makes weird pancakes all the time. I like this one, for some reason.
Wouldn’t you know it: when advanced theo-scientists in Iran discover a dangerous principle, some godless American turns it into a Doomsday Weapon. The first test-firing is to occur on the 26th of April.
I plan to be cowering in my bed, afraid to step out. I recommend everyone stock up on vital supplies before the Apocaniptic Catitclysm. If we’re really lucky, Minnesota will have a cold snap on the 26th, so we’ll be spared.
There is a whole collection of Skeptic Trump cards available on the web, and what do you know, I’m in there:
A bit chipmunky, but look: I have no worthy adversaries, and no arch nemesis! I guess I’ll be scampering to the goal line unopposed, then. (I notice, though, that Dawkins’ nemesis is Alister McGrath — that’s like saying the biggest obstacle in your way is a blob of jello.)
A church in Oklahoma is actually losing members over a crucifix on display. The problem is the artist has painted Jesus with a ‘distended abdomen’, or perhaps a six-pack (actually a four-pack in this case), that is making all the filthy-minded Catholics think of something else.
I’m looking at the dimensions of that thing and thinking that they also seem to have a highly unrealistic expectation of Jesus’ endowment. Also that he gets aroused in very peculiar circumstances — who knew Jesus was a masochistic sub?
When anyone other than a particle physicist talks about “quantum”, it is almost always a magic word used to project a pseudoscientific aura onto sheer raving lunacy. “Quantum” as a prefix is almost universally used to signify that the noun it modifies is about to be made crazy stupid. So you know when you see something called the Quantum Bible, it’s not going to be refined, elegant, coherent, or intelligent.
Here are the first bits of this rewritten version of the Bible. I’m being kind and sparing you the associated annotations, which are even longer than the text.
1 And behold the Great Singularity is everywhere and nowhere. 2 Without form nor mass and without space and time – It is, has been and will be, eternal. 3 An Eternity in space, an Eternity in time incorporating all that is known and then some. 4 But eternally restless and driven to manifest in form, time and space.
5 And so it is that manifestations cyclically occur and our worlds gain their existence. 6 But we are manifestations of the Cycle of the Great Singularity for we emanate from Its bosom and return thence in accordance with Its Universal Order.7 And so it comes to pass that the Great Singularity becomes pregnant with the energy for manifestation and in accordance with the Great Universal Order that lies at the heart of its existence there follows a mighty cataclysmic manifestation. 8 In that instant all the parts of matter materialize, each to become the building blocks of all form yet to be. 9 For at that instant the quarks, electrons, protons, neutrons, neutrino’s and all their anti-matter shall give rise to a world of form, a world of time and a world of distance; but yet all are imbibed with the stuff which is the Great Singularity – timeless, formless and Eternal.
10 And lo the great Illusion is initiated ; and for they who are blinded by form and distance and time there is no merging eternally of the form and the formless. 11 And wretchedly shall they live their days in the half truth and never connect with the Great Singularity which is their birthright and from whose bosom they emanate and exist and to whence they return unconsciously.
12 And so it is that the particles of form receive their kernel which shall determine all their interactions and all form that shall yet follow. 13 Indeed the kernel shall support the breadth of all form and being, all of the sea and the great land masses, all of life and of death. 14 For each kernel is complete as it imbibes all of the Great Singularity and indeed so is it also with the collective of all kernels of all particles of form. 15 Such is the completeness of the manifestation in form that no adjustment nor interference nor correction is required nor will be forthcoming by the Great Singularity.16 In the restlessness of the Great Singularity has a need arisen – to create consciousness of Itself. 17 And so form is manifest so that consciousness shall ultimately arise and lo the consciousness shall feed upon the great environments which are none other than the manifestation of the Great Singularity! 18 In this way shall the Great Singularity create consciousness of Self through the manifestation and they that shall be conscious of the manifestation shall be the consciousness of the Great Singularity in form. 19 And so shall they passage with consciousness as they de-form and reconnect at physical death with the Great Singularity. 20 For this passage of return has the Great Singularity manifest the black holes of de-materialization; both in form and in consciousness shall these be as a portal for passage from form to formless, and so shall consciousness disconnect from form to merge with the eternal formlessness which is the Great Singularity. 21 And so shall it come to pass that those who access true consciousness of all things will prepare their passage through the black hole, as they shed form and mass, time and distance, and disconnect their consciousness from that domain – so shall they pass through the portal and inherit eternity within the bosom of the Great Singularity.
In case you missed it in that great wallow of babble, the guy (who is a neurosurgeon! What is it with neurosurgeons and goofiness?) also doesn’t like evolution, and has a weird deterministic theory in which all the potential in every species was set within it at the instant of its creation by the Great Singularity. I am unable to bear the thought of reading any more of any of Ian Weinberg’s essays, though: my kernel is incapable of coping with any more Quantum.
I have no idea what this is. I was sent the photo by a reader who discovered it in a jungle of ferns on Hawaii. It looks vaguely familiar, but perhaps someone here can identify it.
I have a feeling this feature might turn into something like a county fair on Discworld, where people bring in odd-shaped turnips that have curiously titillating shapes when looked at just so.
You’re the first to meet an intelligent alien species. What are you going to do? Here’s a brief, handy guide — I’ll just excerpt a few points.
I like this idea: there’s no way we’re going to war with them. Our technologies will not be comparable, and we have to note the obvious: they’d be the ones with interstellar space flight, not us. So, yes, it will be a case of nuclear weapons vs. sponges, and we’d better be careful.
But there is one important matter to consider about the comparison. If you found a sponge on a beach crowded with sponges, how much remorse would you feel if you took a sample? You don’t want to be the first contactee. Or the second. Or any of them. This is going to be a personally dangerous event. Your best bet is to run away rather than try to chat.
There are several more suggestions for how to communicate, and it ends with this example.
Now if we’ve gotten this far, we’re going to have to assume that the aliens do see us as something more than sponges. If we’re close to them technologically, then yes, it’s worth your while to show off your awareness of your place in the universe. If we’re not close, then face it — the aliens won’t care how much knowledge of our species’ history we have. They’re going to be sizing us up for edibility, or suitability for mindless labor, or whether we’d be useful scrubbing implements in the shower, none of which require any philosophical or scientific capabiity at all.
It’s an interesting thought exercise, but only if we meet an alien species that isn’t too far beyond us intellectually.
There may be a few metal fans here and there…and this song is for you. If you don’t enjoy music with lots of hoarse shouting and banging instruments into rocks, DO NOT PLAY THIS VIDEO. You will cry. I’ve got two sons, so I’ve been inured to this stuff — and at least this band, The Ocean, has intelligent lyrics.
Oh, you say, you couldn’t hear the lyrics? Neither could I, because my ears were bleeding (but that’s one of the desired effects of this genre, don’t let it bother you). I had to look them up on the internet.
The Origin of Species
Yes, it’s quite hard to believe
That we all come from the same seed:
The scrub, the cockroach and the human being
It’s hard to see how the perfection of complex organs was achieved without an engineerBut all you see is the human eye
On top of the mountain peak, so high
A steep wall of rock
Impossible to climb
Our imagination is left behindBut there is a gentle slope on the backside
And even worms have simple eyes
That help them distinguish darkness from lightOur brains are accustomed to the scope of a lifetime
We will never be able to see how the sluggish vessel of evolution
Is slowly creeping up the hill
UphillThere’s no other solution
There’s no other solution
There’s no alternative to the theory of evolution
Now excuse me, I need to get a bag of ice for my head and to load a few of this band’s songs into my iPod.
The mayor of Malta is quite anxious to have a statue removed from a prominent place on the road from the airport, before the Pope arrives. He might be embarrassed, after all. That’s the statue on the right; it’s called “Colonna Mediterranea”, and some people fear an obelisk is too phallic. Because, like everyone, when I see a giant green monument with multi-colored patches and a series of constrictions in it, I think of my penis.
The mayor shouldn’t worry. The Pope and the Catholic Church have no shame.The statue might serve a useful purpose in reminding the Catholic entourage to get their VD shots, while also intimidated them into keeping theirs in their pants. Or frocks. Or whatever they’re wearing. And rather than worrying about offending the Pope, shouldn’t he be more concerned about the offense to Malta?
Malta has its own history of priestly pedophilia, and has received complaints about 45 priests, which is rather impressive for such a small place…but the church claims that almost half of those accusations are groundless. I think they should be more optimistic, and phrase that as over half the accusations are not groundless. Either way, the Catholic church has been waving its erections around Malta for many years, the Pope should be able to cope with one more comparatively harmless one near the airport road. It’s the one that hasn’t raped any children.
I’ve been reminded that there is an even bigger phallic symbol erected in St Peter’s Square, right where the Pope can see it and touch it any time he wants.
Maybe Malta should feel a little inadequate and think about putting up more and bigger columns, instead.
I’ve been getting a few odd, cryptic messages on twitter from someone calling himself @spiritualgenome. I looked him up to figure out what the heck he was babbling about, and found his web page. Turns out he’s a crop circle nut, and you might find a few minutes amusement in his delusions.
Fascinating new discoveries by Russian molecular biologists have revealed that DNA has a mysterious resonance that has been termed the Phantom-DNA Effect. In addition these Russian researchers have found that DNA reacts to voice activated laser light when it is set at the specific frequency of the DNA itself. Using these methods it is possible not only to change the information patterns in the DNA, but it is also possible to communicate with the DNA.
This “phantom DNA” effect is all over the web, surprisingly: people claim that if you shine a laser through a solution of DNA, it scatters or resonates in some particular pattern that persists even after you remove the DNA. Guess what? While it’s a very popular subject on fringe websites hosted on cheap servers with crappy web design, it seems to be completely absent from the scientific literature.
Huh. Who would have guessed?
You might be wondering what it has to to do with crop circles. All will be explained in the following paragraph.
It seems that there is a divine intelligence in the DNA that is capable of resonating with the natural frequency of the earth in order to create crop circles. This divine intelligence is what the Hindus refer to as the Inner Self, and there are indications that the increase in crop circle activity in recent decades is set to coincide with the end of the Mayan calendar, at which point this divine intelligence in the DNA will become generally known to the world, thus ushering in a new era in 2012.
Ooooo-OOoOO-ooooh. Magic DNA, lasers, quantum physics, psychic powers, vibrations, crop circles, mystical Mayan calendars, and 2012 — it’s got everything. Total lunatic meltdown.
I just thought somebody who would throw together something this insane deserved a brief flurry of attention to his wacky webpage before I blocked him.
