Pray for the Preznit

O Lord, the President says he has COVID-19.

We thank you, Jesus, for this once compelling Donald to tell the truth. You did tell him not to lie this time, right? It’s a bit out of character for him, so if he actually has the disease for realz, it would be a kind of divine revelation, I think, a true sign from God. I am praying that his infection is real and true and a sign that he has been touched by the aerosolized Holy Spirit. Hallelujah!

Please, God, make sure he is touched hard.

Forgive him, Lord, for his lapse in listening to the sweet seductive whispers of Satan and getting tested in the first place. We know he’d be fine if he hadn’t tasted of the PCR Test of Knowledge of Positive and Negative Results, and the disease would have just disappeared if he hadn’t peeked. Please forgive him for testing your wisdom, too, and I’m praying real hard that you don’t cast him out of the Rose Garden for his weakness. The temptation was great, he was so desperate for a positive result, any result, of his presidency, and he reached for the one that was in his range.

Sweet Jesus, I beg you to not let him sicken and die, or to spread the plague among the Republican leadership, especially not to Mike Pence, who is surely so holy that he probably does not need chastisement. Oh, wait, Pence is getting tested, too? Never mind. Whip him with your sacred disease, for he surely knows that his suffering would be just.

O Lord, praise You for finally reaching the mind of this worthless <snerk> atheist, getting me down on my knees and beseeching the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost to deliver <choke> Donald Trump of this totally imaginary disease that disappeared over the summer and is just like a little flu <hork> and was created by the Democrats conspiring with the Chinese if it were real, which it isn’t <HAAaaa!>.

No, Lord, I’m not sniggering. I’m…I’m…speaking in tongues, that’s the ticket. Now if you don’t mind, I have to get back to praying like a motherfucker for that wretched soul. It’s the least I can do.

Grifters gotta grift

That Catholic reactionary, Michael O’Fallon, is running another “Sovereign Nations” conference. It’s very important you know.

The funny thing is that their #2 speaker, after O’Fallon himself, is James Lindsay, the regressive atheist buddy of Boghossian, who is so desperate for attention that he sells himself off to endorse a religious organization with religious goals.

Double irony: if you look at that twitter thread, it’s got angry Christians complaining that the conference includes a liberal atheist, with O’Fallon insisting that no, it’s entirely secular, when all the other speakers are Christian ministers, and the blurb describing the con is this:

The Christian Church finds itself societally in interesting times; times of rapid change, uncertainty, and division, where all that was our sure objective standards seem to be melting into air.

Also indicative is that there are no women speakers, although there are an awful lot of truly secular events that also forget the womz.

The people with bugs in their brains are a vital segment of American culture, after all

I’m usually on the progressive side of current affairs, but I don’t know. Maybe Black Lives Matter is going too far — after all, Pat Robertson tells me so.

Robertson said he agreed with the general premise behind BLM, but “that legitimate thing has been hijacked by these radicals and they’re using that label to put forth an agenda and people need to be aware of it.”

“They’re talking about Marxist communism,” Robertson said. “They’re talking about destroying the nuclear family. They’re talking about destroying essentially Christianity as being racist. And all the way through, they want to upend the capitalist structure and destroy America.”

“People should be aware that they’re not just standing with the poor oppressed Black people,” Robertson added. “Of course we want to stand with people against police brutality. Of course we do. But we don’t want to go along with a lesbian, anti-family, anti-capitalist Marxist revolution. We don’t want that for America.”

I had no idea those poor oppressed Black people were a gang of lesbian anti-capitalist Marxists who…wait a minute. If that were true, I’d support them even more! Although it’s not true. Most of the people participating in BLM protests are heterosexuals with families who would be happy if the structure of American society gave them justice and security. At its core, this is not a radical movement unless you think treating black people with dignity and respect and equality is radical — which is probably Robertson’s position anyway.

I think we need a second opinion here, so let’s ask Michele Bachmann? Wait, what year is this? Why does anyone give a flying fuck what Robertson and Bachmann think?

Oh, right, because they are entertainingly bugnuts, as long as you’re not one of the people they hate.

“Antifa is, if you go to their website, their materials, they are directly traceable to the Communist Party because their goal is the overthrow of the United States government and to bring communism into America,” Bachmann said. “Just like Black Lives Matter, this is not a new movement either. On their website, these are transgender Marxists, transgender Black Marxists who are seeking the overthrow the United States and the dissolution of the traditional family.”

“What people need to understand is that 103 years ago, there were no communist countries in this world,” she said. “But this same idea where you have a pretext, you create something—like right now the pretext in America is race wars, that we’re seeing race wars on America’s streets—what this is is a cover to bring about communism and a communist takeover. It happened in communist China. It happened in Venezuela, many countries. What people need to understand, the viewers, is that we currently right now are in a situation where communists are trying to come in and take over America.”

“You say, ‘Aren’t you a little overheated? Isn’t this melodramatic?’” [OMG, Bachmann read my mind! At least, the restrained, polite part of my mind. If she’d gone deeper, she would have used stronger words] Bachmann continued. “This is exactly what a communist revolution looks like. They think they’re going to do it by electing Joe Biden and then once Joe Biden is elected, they think that these Davos, Switzerland, meetings that go on, they think that what they’re going to do is have the United States’ economy collapse, move to a digital currency globally, and then we move into a global-type government. I mean, it’s bizarre, but this is their goal.”

“For people who know their Bible, this is exactly what the prophets told us,” she added. “So, we stand on the word of God, the Bible, and we say, ‘Satan, flee, we’re going to stand on the truth of God.’ And so that’s why now more than ever, between now and the election, what we need to do is pray and cry out to Almighty God and ask for his protection over America and to speak in this election.”

Jeez, but the Cold War really wrecked people psychologically. It’s not the 1950s anymore, the Commies are not and never were hiding under your bed, and it is not anti-American to be smart enough to realize that capitalism is broken and needs, at the very least, a major overhaul. Biden is a political centrist beholden to all the moneyed lobbyists, not a transgender lesbian Black Marxist. You are not a little overheated, Michele. You and Pat Robertson are malignant freaks with bugs in your brain that you call “god” and a terrifying authoritarian streak.

It’s awfully hard to find a reliable pool boy anymore

Jerry Falwell Jr. has been the king of hypocrisy, presiding over a Christian “university” (actually, a profit-making real estate scheme) that imposes absurdly restrictive moral standards on its students, while romping about in a hedonistic life style, he and his wife indulging in all kinds of sexy escapades. Pick one or the other, guy!

It’s all over now. Falwell finally gets the axe.

Jerry Falwell Jr. has agreed to resign as president of Liberty University on Monday, according to a school official. The move came after a series of personal scandals rocked the evangelical university he has led since 2007.

Opposition to his presidency had been growing but came to a dramatic head after two new reports about a young man Falwell and his wife befriended at a Florida pool, went into business with and who allegedly was sexually connected to the couple. One report painted Falwell as the victim of an obsessive affair; the other as an eager participant manipulating a naive young man.

I’m sure a cushy deal was struck to get his slimy head out of the all-important money-making enterprise, and he won’t be suffering at all. Now the real fun can begin!

There goes the neighborhood

The white supremacists have opened a church just down the road from me, about 40 minutes down the road, between Benson and Willmar. It’s another religion, Asatru. Here’s how the SPLC describes it:

A neo-Pagan religion drawing on images of fiercely proud, boar-hunting Norsemen and their white-skinned Aryan womenfolk is increasingly taking root among Skinheads, neo-Nazis and other white supremacists across the nation.

Asatrú leaders have opened prison ministries in at least five states recently, and their many jailed followers are heavily white supremacist.

Here’s how they describe themselves:

The Asatru Folk Assembly was formed by Stephen McNallen in 1994 as a successor to the Asatru Free Assembly, which dominated the Asatru scene in the United States from its inception in the 1970’s until its dissolution in 1986. Since it’s inception, the AFA has been the premier force in the development and practice of Asatru. The AFA is committed, today and everyday, to building strong and lasting communities and families, embracing traditional values and venerating our holy Gods.

In the late 1960’s, Stephen McNallen embraced the Gods and founded the modern religion of Asatru. In short order, Alsherjargothi McNallen started the Viking Brotherhood which quickly evolved into the Asatru Free Assembly. The Asatru Free Assembly began publishing “the Runestone” magazine as well as starting the first Asatru gatherings called Allthings.

Asatru grew and developed throughout the 1970’s and 80’s. In 1986 the Asatru Free Assembly was disbanded. In the late 1980’s and early 90’s the original values and aims of Asatru were growingly subverted by the decay of cultural marxism [emphasis added] Alsherjargothi McNallen knew he must once again take up the banner and save what his vision and initiative had put into motion. The Asatru Folk Assembly was founded from that day forward to be a solid spiritual force for our Ethnic European Folk and our Ethnic European Faith.

That “cultural marxism” remark is a dead giveaway — it’s a racist, right-wing organization.

For completeness sake, here’s a link to their website. I don’t recommend reading it, because it was designed to kill you. ALL-CAPS white text on a background photograph of light green grass and grey-white stones? OMG, that alone convinced me to embrace cultural marxism. My ancestral forebears apparently had no design sense at all.

Christian vs. Christian

It’s always good to see internal schisms within Christianity, but not so great when the guy with a $100 million+ fake boat has all the money and power in the argument. You know, like Ken Ham.

In honor of so-called “Pride Month,” “progressive” Christian author Jen Hatmaker published an episode of her podcast featuring her daughter, Sydney, announcing that Sydney is a homosexual. Her family, apparently, has known for some time and decided that it was time to celebrate this with this world.

Such an announcement should break the heart of Christians. The admission that this young woman has embraced a sinful identity will only bring hurt, brokenness, and pain as she rebels against her Creator and his Word, but also distressing is that her mother—a professing believer—has decided this is something good, to be proud of, and to celebrate. (Really this is Romans 1:32 coming to life.)

If you didn’t know it already, tolerance and acceptance aren’t Christian values in Ken Ham’s brand of religion. I only wish all their hearts would literally break, so we could be rid of them.

Hang it up, Steve Shives

Shives does this weekly YouTube satire called The Whirlpool, which mocks a certain Catholic fanatic who has a show called The Vortex. Alas, the satire doesn’t even come close to the batshit ravings of Michael Voris. Watch in wonder.

He is, in all seriousness, comparing Donald Trump to the Emperor Constantine. Like Constantine, Trump is “already emperor”, so all he has to do now is convert to Catholicism, and the Queen of Heaven (and her son, Jesus) will shower blessings and glory down upon the United States of America. So this is what you get when you combine the fanaticism of militant Catholicism with the dumbassery of MAGA zealots. Hold me, Mommy, I’m scared.

I’m sorry, Shives, you just aren’t freaky enough.

Shut up, Shaun King

The right-wing and evangelical Christian sites are all lit up with the news that a BLM activist has declared that statues of white Jesus should be torn down. Cool your jets, people!

  • The statement is from Shaun King, the shameless self-promoter and grifter. He’s just found a new way to inject himself into the discourse.
  • If it’s a Jesus statue on government land, of course it should be torn down, because that’s a violation of church and state separation.
  • If it’s in a church or on private property, leave it alone. You can go ahead and build a shrine to Robert E. Lee in your home, it’s only a problem if it’s on public land and represents a government endorsement of religion (or white supremacy).

I’m an atheist and no friend of Jesus, and I don’t see the point of this fake news.

Proud Boys reveal their true character

Spokane has had about 30 COVID-19 deaths, so a memorial was put together at the city hall, a Christian memorial with a collection of crosses. I’m not so keen on that — do the non-Christians not count? — but OK, it’s harmless and generous and acknowledges the people who died, even if it is a bit presumptuous. I wouldn’t be upset about it at all.

Then someone trashed it. We know who, because they took credit for it. It was the Proud Boys who were quite proud to demolish a memorial, and who have been upset with anyone who tries to protect themselves from the virus.

In another video posted on Facebook, Proud Boys members and other protesters are seen mocking and harassing Robinson as he stands in front of the memorial. He repeatedly asks them to step away and respect his social distance.

The video includes profanity.

“This is what Proud Boys do,” Robinson is heard saying in the video.

One of the Proud Boys members, who identifies himself as “Milkshake,” said he came to the protest from western Washington. He and other protesters repeatedly tell Robinson in the video to remove his mask.

Oh, yeah, personal liberty for us, but not for you!

Also at the demonstration: far-right Christian fanatic and Spokane representative Matt Shea. We had a lot of unkind stereotypes about the inhabitants of the eastern side of the state when I was growing up, and Shea personifies all of them, cranked up to 11.