I have heroically completed a small mountain of grading today. It is DONE. Only an optional final exam remains next Thursday (of course it is on a Thursday), but otherwise, I can stand atop this awesome pile of exams and lab reports and thump my chest and howl.
Except…and oh, how this rankles…five (5!) students forgot to write their names on the lab final exam — they must have been stressed out. Which means there are 5 gaping holes in my grade book, which means that, although these papers have been officially graded, I am unable to make the final step of actually entering them into the spreadsheet. There are holes in the grid. They pain me. Maybe I could randomly assign an unclaimed exam score to each student? Or average them together and give each one the average? Or just insert zeroes in there! Or (RAND*MaxScore)! Or (RAND*-MaxScore)! Anything to heal these wounds!
And the papers…they just squat there on my desk, frustrating ciphers demonstrating some knowledge of laboratory techniques, but unattached to any useful human. Maybe I should put my cat’s name there.
A cat that could carry out unit conversions and make up lab solutions and analyze spectrophotometer readings would be kind of useful.
Two papers have just been assigned to their creators! If only 2 more students would come and make a claim, I could wrap this up.
I am Spartacus!!!!!!
It wouldn’t be the first science cat…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F.D.C._Willard
SPOOOON!!!!
I’ll typically just list them as “no show”. When they then show up to inquire/complain I tell them that since their name isn’t on their exam, I cannot be sure they actually made it, and so cannot give them a grade. After they squirm and beg a little, I’ll pretend I’m doing then a huge favor by entering the grade anyways.
Or you could learn to recognize handwriting…
I asked our cat. She said she could ace it.
PZ,
If only they read your blog…
robert79 #5
I bet you get glowing evaluations on Rate Your Prof.
The problem isn’t finding a cat that *can*, the problem would be finding a cat that *could be bothered* to do labwork…..
Rogue, that’s why our cat didn’t ask what PZ would pay her. She knows she’d be sleeping on the job.
Publicise this on LinkedIn. Before you could blink, 2538 students would confirm their name and be only too happy to declare that they had been awarded a PhD.
I have no greater respect for anyone than I do for a person who will take arms against a sea of hard work, and by opposing, end it.
I’ve never understood forgetting to put your name on schoolwork. You might as well not do it if you can’t get that down
9 & 10 clearly understand cats
You might with tremendous effort teach a cat to do the lab work and maybe even get it to do it once that would be about it even then only if the task did not interfere with important cat business.
uncle frogy
I was the student who would forget to put my name on the exam. I lost track how often I did it:
I don’t exactly understand how that works myself.
**
I have forgotten to put my name down on precisely one report in my life, which was handed back mercifully by my instructor.
To this day, I’m still at a quandary as to explaining that gaffe.
It is the singular question that I’d know for certain, beyond six sigma in certainty. Somehow, I contrived to actually acquire a zero score on it.
So, I’m divided, largely leaning toward accrediting the cat, if I can’t immediately attribute the handwriting.*
*Full disclosure, my handwriting is quite distinctive. Figure block lettering, writ large by a chicken, then add in massively amplified random noise from the cosmic background radiation.
On one part, that’s due to large numbers of reports, back when pen and paper was a very real thing, add in cervical nerve damage, add in not giving a tinkerer’s damn if anyone would read it (otherwise, they’d want it typed or printed (yeah, I’m *that* old)).
**Good job, PZ! Been there, done that. Once, I had to manually apply for certificates for encryption and signing/login for elevated account CAC cards (Smart Cards), which then had to be manually loaded onto the cards by yours truly. This, while also scanning my installation network for vulnerabilities, then preparing reports on them, scanning various intelligence sources for upcoming and ongoing threats, examining the antivirus server reporting logs, examining various server logs, managing the e-mail filter, managing the web filter, controlling patch management and applying patches manually when they failed to install on antique systems and a fair bit more.
In the former case, certificates onto CAC cards, I had 178 elevated access tokens to apply for, then load when DISA approved their certificates.
I told a two star General that it’d take two weeks, my theater Information Assurance Manager attempted to correct me by changing weeks for months, which was inaccurate and I corrected her.
I got it done in ten days.
I also never missed a beat in my other duties.
I don’t do “Scotty Math”, when computing times until completion, but somewhat close and I’m also not afraid to work and my wife’s used to that.
Uncle, the understanding is mutual. (Within the limits of what interests her. Otherwise, I think she thinks I’m just crazy.)
I put my name in the blue book, but forgot to write it on the exam paper itself. Fortunately a pointed clearing of the throat by the professor caught my attention before I could walk away. I hurriedly grabbed my paper back and put my name on it, and for added measure my section number. (I got a 92.)
Though it doesn’t sound you’re much in the mood, if you were inclined towards a little bit of evil you could embrace business tactics. Unwanted merchandise sitting on your shelves? Slash prices, everything must go! Hence …
End of term sale! 50% off all grades!!!*
*while stocks last
With the right marketing you’d have students queueing outside your office, desperate to make sure their grades are safe. And once they’re sufficiently traumatised they’ll never forget to put their name on anything again So, really, it’s for their own good.
My final is on Friday. At 8 a.m. For a class ‘m subbing, for a colleague who had emergency bypass surgery. And they’re *freshmen*…
I understand how they forget to put their name on the exam. This was a LONG exam, too long; I even decided after the fact that, since a lot of students were running out of steam by they time they got to the last hairy complicated essay question that I was just going to throw that question out. So they got this pile of paper, flipped through it, immediately realized they had a lot of work ahead of them and plunged in with the first question. Then at the end when I blew the whistle and tried to drag it out of their cramped, tired hands, they thought it more important to finish up that last brilliant sentence than to review and see what little blank line they’d forgotten to fill in at the top of the first page.
The rash of simple failures tells me I made the exam too long to give them time to think. Next year it’ll be shorter and more manageable.
Or before starting the timer say, “Before you begin, be sure that your name is written clearly on the first page.” Optional addition, “Or you will receive no credit for the exam.”
I had the Dean (my boss) come back to me that a student complained at orientation that I’d treated them like kindergartners for reminding them to always put their name on work they turned in (the instructor isn’t the only person who may handle it). I pointed to the box of unknown, unclaimed student work going back 15 years by the pending filing and replied it was necessary.
I’m sure someone’s mentioned this by now, but just in case, you’ve made the Professor Watch List. Seems to be entirely about your opinions on the Morris North Star.