I’ve been very naughty, and I must be punished. So I’m actually considering torturing myself by watching Christian Mingle: The Extended Commercial on NetFlix tonight, even though I think the trailer gives away the entire plot already.
You know, I actually feel a tiny sense of obligation. Christian Mingle has been pushing their ads on this site for so long, that I suspect a goodly portion of my blogging revenue has come out of their pockets. I’m also hoping that if I mention their site here their ads will pop up more frequently, so I can take even more of their money.
I think it’s a safe time, too, because we have no alcohol at all in the house. Any other time this movie would drive me to acute alcohol poisoning, no problem. I may start screaming and have to duck out for whisky in the middle, though. I may also collapse gibbering before it ends, and not make it all the way through. No guarantees.
Anyway, my plan is to fire it up at 8pm Central time, and I’ll be spewing commentary on Twitter at that time. Feel free to join in; watch along with me, chip in on Twitter or in the comments here. Or stage an intervention and stop me from blowing my brains out my ears watching this treacle.
I think I’m going to stick with my original plan and watch Zootopia again.
Chicken.
“Written and directed by Corbin Bernsen”
NOOOO!!! Not Arnold Becker from L.A. Law, iconic sleazy lawyer!
My childhood has been betrayed — now I know how the MRAs feel about the new Ghostbusters film!
I love how all these Christian films have trailers that tell you exactly how the film will end. None of that scary suspense or plot stuff, that way leads to Satan!
You have no alcohol in the house? Of any kind? WTF, PZ, WTF …
Oh hey, Lacey Chabert. Consider me convinced! Not tonight, because it’s 1am, but I will definitely watch this film at some point… hopefully there’s some story beyond “girl meets boy, boy has crucifix, girl converts.”
I think we have some cooking sherry in the kitchen. I don’t want to be the kind of desperate person who resorts to gurgling down the cooking sherry, though.
I feel compelled to link this article I read a couple weeks ago here:
The Men I Met on Christian Mingle: I Dated the Married, Lonely and Confused
Something tells me that this movie isn’t exactly truth in advertising…
Is this a feature length product placement? I’m confused. I have to say it seems like an interesting marketing idea.
Viagra: The Movie.
I got as far as the part where she says wonderingly: “They’re all so happy…” Gah, I hate that shit. My brother’s evangelical church is like that. They all walk around with smiles plastered on their faces regardless of how appropriate it is. It’s fucking okay to be sad, to be mad, to be worried, to be plain not happy when those emotions are called for.
Smiling through gritted teeth, and the guilt that comes with with it, the guilt of not being properly grateful to god for the ‘lessons’ he’s giving you by screwing over your life, is flat out evil. I swear, every time I’m around those people I want to punch someone just to see a facial expression that hasn’t been scripted for them by their indoctrination.
Well, I managed to make it all the way through the trailer without throwing up, though I am pretty sure I was bleeding from my eyes by the end, but that is all I have. There is no way I am sitting through hours of this drek, with a paper thin plot revolving around romance related conversion that pushes the old, offensively patronizing canard that those atheists who aren’t pure evil incarnate (that would be the unapologetic, ‘shrill’ gnu atheists that frequent places like Pharyngula – isn’t it great to be the gold standard among the bogeymen of the Xians?) are merely ignorant of religion, rather than having been exposed to it their entire lives and simply rejecting it because it is both a transparent tissue of lies that runs counter to all we know of reality and horrifying toxic with regard to the attitudes and social outcomes it fosters.
Besides, I am a teetotaler, so I wouldn’t even have the option of running out to the nearest pub to boil my brain in alcohol when the non-euclidean horror of it all reaches critical mass.
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FossilFishy (NOBODY, and proud of it!) @ 9;
They of course quietly ignore the fact that no one was ever sad during Stalin’s speeches either, or rather no one dared admit that they felt that way. Then again, isn’t that the world the Xians fantasize about? A place where no person wishes to take the risk of being the first to stop clapping (or in this case stop maintaining the facade that their lives are perfect and indeed the only ‘moral’ way to live) and so the applause – and the fixed rictus grins – continue indefinitely.
As a system for controlling behaviour and callously ruining lives, ‘flat out evil’ is as good a description of the religious social phenomenon as any.
I get the impression from the trailer that she is faking being a Christian but he isn’t? Wouldn’t it have been a far more interesting plot if it turns out they were both faking?
“…every time I’m around those people I want to punch someone just to see a facial expression that hasn’t been scripted for them by their indoctrination.”
I know they’re annoying as shit, but have some compassion, lol. They’ve been lied to their entire lives. You can’t just change your emotions with a switch.
I mean, I figured out my Catholicism was nonsense over a decade ago, I understand all the errors in the dogma, but a big part of the reason I’m such a joyless workaholic at the moment is that I’m still looking for the martyrdom I idolized as a child. Still looking for my cross to die on.
Becoming aware of the irrational thought pattern is only the first step. Actually healing and learning to feel safe while experiencing the emotions you once unquestioningly believed to be sinful can be the work of a whole lifetime.
Of course you don’t have to like or trust these people. I just want more atheists to understand that we act weird because we were successfully taught to hate parts of ourselves, and unlearning that is difficult and lengthy process.
According to IMDB this had a budget of 650 grand and grossed just under 20 grand when it opened in 2014. Guess we probably won’t see a sequel.
As for ads I’m getting ads for Masters of Flip on Canada’s W Network. No Christian Mingle ads lately.
Well she could always convert him to atheism but that wouldn’t be Hollywood. It could be worse if this was the plot. http://halalspeeddating.com/
coleslaw @10,
It’s a Christian movie. The goal is not to tell an interesting story, it’s to make Christians feel better about their faith. The guy has to be sincere in his faith, so that he can convert her.
Jebus, what a crappy piece of shit. Done watching it. It was predictable from the opening.
#14
Notice also the sly jabs they took at her for having the nerve to have a career instead of dependence on a man.
#15
Did she convert??? Don’t keep us in suspense!!2132!
“…It was predictable from the opening.”
Dude, it was predictable from the title.
Seriously that Christian Mingle dude looks like he makes lampshades out of his victims. I wouldn’t close my eyes if I knew he was in the same state as me.
That trailer at first held out the hope that it was a mockumentary ridiculing the ChristianMingle clusterfudger. But the final scenes of the trailer revealed that it was a sincere infomercial for the ~shmingle~ fudge.
Thanx for turnin my stummick
Curious, I looked it up.
ChristianMingle is just one of a number of commercial operations (brands):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spark_Networks#Other_Websites
(The portfolio includes BBWPersonalsPlus.com)
screechymonkey wrote:
All too true. The deeper you go into analysing the movie, the less sense it makes. Christian Mingle patrons carry some very specific baggage that is somewhat unique to the site. You’re going to meet Christians who believe that Christians should only ever date (and socialise with) other Christians, and it’s practically part of the advertising for the site. I don’t think there’s anyone foolish enough to genuinely subject themselves to that kind of situation.
You would probably enjoy the “Atheists Watch…” feature on The Bible Reloaded YouTube channel. Funny stuff and zero MRA bullshit.
Here they take on the Ben Stein epic “Expelled:”
I noticed that there were two times in the trailer that they used the record scratch sound effect. I’m just musing that probably a large portion of people today have no idea of the origin of that sound. Indeed, it isn’t even used in its original context anymore, it’s just an audio trope now.
I lack any semblance of masochism, so despite working from home this evening, the television didn’t come on and it most certainly would never have been tuned to such a program.
But then, I’m the guy who watches the latest Star Trek rerun (or latest remake/retcon) and comments, “You’d think that they’d have rediscovered fucking seat belts by now”.
Honestly, I really do think that I’d watch “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” over this program.
Whilst a barrel of port after clawing your eyes out is the traditional cure for this sort of tripe, poopyhead has a very good alternative at hand: The evil cat. Put it in a box. When you can’t stand it any more, open box. The evil cat will distract you from your misery, with the added bonus of clawing your eyes out for you.
I have to say Ms. Chabert brought the goods with far more nuance than the movie demanded. I’m not sure why she doesn’t have a higher profile. It was painful to see Stephen Tobolowsky, one of the Industry’s top character actors, in mortgage mode.
“Where good people find great relationships”
Blech
Like the 45+ thousand different bible “interpretations” (there are at least that many Christian sects), you need to use the “appropriate” believers code book to determine what is really being said.
The secular translation of “Where good people find great relationships” is much closer to “where equally brain dead couples can meet and agree on reality being wrong”.
@coleslaw #10:
Better still if it turned out the religion was faking it…
What’s up with the online dating stigma? Just how old are the writers and producers here, anyway? Is the whole movie an apology to potential customers for being the good, little village directly between the Sodom and Gomorrah of the online world?
As dreadful as I’m sure this movie is, I doubt it holds a candle in terms of inducing indignation as Old Fashioned. It was billed as the “Christian answer” to 50 Shades of Gray*, and there was something particularly horrifying and sadistic about the plot and the unfolding relationship between the two leads though I doubt the screenwriters or the target audience would recognize this fact. I’m not one to scream at a movie- not even at horror movies where someone is about to do something really dumb- but this had me yelling to the female lead** to “Run! Run as far away as you can!” multiple times over the course of the film; the first of which occurred within the first 10 minutes.
* Keeping its track record of answering questions never asked intact.
** Who went against the mold of all the Christian movies offered over the last few years (and that I’ve seen) in that she was a character who I a) could expect to met in real life and b) might actually enjoy their company. I’m sure that had more to do with the actress’ ability than that of the director or writers.
@28, davidgentile
I find that this is true in general of her parts. For instance, she played perfectly the airheaded Gretchen in Mean Girls, and it’s noticeable that it was acting; the airheadedness was preternatural. Nobody can be that airheaded and continue breathing.
Sadly, I’m afraid that the last time she played a non-stupid part was when she played the violin prodigy little sister in Party of Five.
In the Middle Ages, Christianity was the major driving force of the arts, science and humanities. What on earth happened that all they can produce now are Creation Museums, Arks, and dating site commercials with so little significance?
@ rietpluim, because in the middle ages the church, or to a lesser extent, the nobility were the only source of revenue so all the gifted artists of whatever genre had little choice if they want to earn a crust. Nowadays, all the gifted artists have so many more outlets for their work and apparently next to none want anything to do with religion any more.
@35
The enlightenment happened
@John Phillips – I get that, but given the overall population, there must be still a substantial number of artists who are gifted and religious. They wouldn’t mind creating religious art, would they? Why is it that (with some exceptions) only the mediocre make religious art anymore?