On the one hand, there is this incredibly tacky exploitation of the devout in the marketing of The Pope’s Cologne. It’s claimed to be produced according to some 19th century formula, straight from Pope Pius IX, who apparently went around dazzling the ladies with his bling and his expensive scent. On the other, there is this testimonial to the willingness of the devout to be taken. This poor woman’s husband has just died, and she’s handed a bottle labeled “The Pope’s Cologne”, so what happens?
What I experienced later will be a sight I will never forget!!! The widow used the cologne to “anoint” her husband EVERY 20 minutes. She would sprinkle it on his hands, his head, his forehead, and his neck. You could see in her eyes she had found a way of redemption through the cologne. Everyone was asking about the cologne and its origin. Everyone that came in to give her their condolences could not stop asking about the pleasant aroma they were experiencing. Everyone was quiet and in awe for hours. She also kept on rubbing the bottle as if it was some sort of amulet or charm.
I am a little bit creeped out. These poor grieving women, trying to find solace in a marketing scam.
At $26/bottle for a label, though, it’s quite the scam.
So I’m thinking…every day I put in some time working on the elliptical trainer, and I dribble out a good load of sweat. How much would you pay for a real, genuine, authentic vial of actual atheist sweat? $25.95? $25.75? $25.50? No. I’m practically giving it away for the low, low price of $25, even. And this isn’t just some smelly water cobbled up out of an old recipe, it’s actually right from my body, pungent and complex and thoroughly biological.
It’s incredibly useful. Not only will it drive away evangelical door-knockers, but you can anoint your beloved dead (anointing of the living not recommended) with it. You will get such great comments from the guests at the funeral: “Whooo-wee. He was a ripe old one, wasn’t he?” and “When’s the cremation? Soon, I hope.” And think of the money you’ll save on the reception afterwards: no one will have an appetite!
If enough of you order, it’ll also help motivate me to keep up the exercise program. “Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching” with every step is an awfully good incentive.
I think I’ll call it…”Whiff of Mortality”.
Damn, I saw that first sentence with the typo and thought it was about “Pope’s Colon”. Now that’s scary. Could be a relic though!
Should be “the Pope’s Colonic” as he really is full of shit.
Damn #1 beat me to it.
Pope’s Cologne? “…aristocratic, Old World cologne with suprising freshness…”? This onbe ought to come with a pope’s nose.
Man, I seem to be dropping letters a lot lately. I better go do some finger strength exercises.
Or clean the crumbs out of my keyboard.
So that is what total loss of temporal authority smells like.
Smells like no spirit.
But is it irreducibly complex?
In The Making of the Fascist Self, Mabel Berezin mentions the marketing of a Mussolini cologne (may have been called “Duce” – I can’t remember). Great historical precedent.
“Made of original pope`s corpses, each one
with a certificate of autenticity”
1. Turn the keyboard upside down in the air.
2. Shake it.
3. Gaze in horror.
If we happen to find some of your DNA in the sweat sample (perhaps you were working REALLY REALLY hard and started sweating till you bled) — would we retain rights to make a PZ clone a la Jurassic Park? :)
Just think, 5-story-tall godless liberals ransacking downtown Tokyo…
or I guess ransacking Kentucky might be more appropriate…give that creation museum a taste of irony…
Why bottle sweat? Use pee instead, it is a lot easier to collect and is easier to produce in quantity.
Heck, why don’t the morons drink it? It should be marketed as “Crapal,er, Papal Elixir”, with the earthy ingredients of sweat, urine, dessicated colon effluvient, seminal traces, and a healthy dollop of sputum. Not only will it clean out the religious physically, but will ensure visions of heavenly madness with cranial embalmment. Is there no degree of insanity which religion will embrace?
I’m sure the cologne smells nice enough, but there’s no way I’m shelling out $26 a bottle for it. I’ll stick with my $2.50 Suave lotion – it’s sandalwood and cinnamon.
But in order to be pleasing unto the lord, does it not need to be the scent of the burning of the flesh of the first born livestock?
Genesis 4:4
This is mere idolatry.
Besides, why would I want to smell like a decrepit old man?
This reminds me of a passage from the Arabian Nights. (It’s probably not historically accurate, though.)
From:
http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Book_of_the_Thousand_Nights_and_a_Night/Volume_2
“Everyone that came in to give her their condolences could not stop asking about the pleasant aroma they were experiencing.”
At a funeral/wake?! That’s the polite way of saying ‘It smells like a whorehouse in here.’
$25 for a bottle of cologne isn’t a scam, it is a deal (assuming you like the scent). That said, I have no desire to smell like a guy who lived in a time when showers were not regular occurrences and cologne was meant to mask the Holy BO.
To be fair, there are also perfume scams out there that exploit ideas about modern science and technology.
For instance, I did an article a ways back on a company that was advertising perfume that was “tailored to your DNA,” whatever the heck that means. They had you pay like a hundred dollars for a “DNA kit” you sent back to them, and they sent you back a scent tailored to your unique BO.
Was there any mention of how long ago the man had tied? Or how hot the room was?
Re 17 – it’s not quite the same, but it was said of Funen (where I live) that back in the day they exported three times as much hops as was produced …
Speaking as someone who’s done an awful lot of work with old-fashioned perfumes, I’d sure be interested to smell that. With my nose, I’d easily be able to reverse engineer it and create a lower-priced clone. I’d even leave out the alcohol, since it shortens the life of the scent dramatically. (The Muslims do indeed have the right idea, albeit for the wrong reasons — alcohol-free perfumes.)
I am, however, scared of the idea that the woman in the blurb was reapplying it every 20 minutes. Scent doesn’t go away just because you can’t smell it anymore; it means your nose has learned to ignore the smell. (Yike! And I thought funeral homes smelled bad because of all the carnations!)
Is this a prime example of the practiced skill of the religious in embracing immediately juxtaposed absolute contradictions, or were the mourners silently passing written notes &/or txting each other about that aw-esome/ful smell?
I beat you to the punch, PZ. I wrote about Eau du pape back in April, when the flowers are blooming and one’s thoughts lightly turn to papal cologne. Aaaaahhhhh!
How could you have missed it?
{sigh} she’s doing it wrong. You see, the cologne has some weird activation shit. You have to hold it up to the full moon in order to release its resurrection potential.
As to PZ’s “Whiff of Mortality”, I think I’ll wait until Hitch releases his. It shall be called “Stench of Scotch”.
PZ,
To accomodate the undoubtedly overwhelming demand for this exciting product, and in view of the limited supply, I advise you to create a second product: a homeopathic dilution of the original “Whiff of Mortality.” Sold at the slightly lower, but obscenely more profitable price of just $14.99, and labeled “Essence of Whiff of Mortality,” you’ll stand to make millions, if not billions.
I’ll take my standard fee of 2%, thankyouverymuch.
It’s not ether, is it? ;-)
Sorry, doc, someone beat you to the punch, already. There are porn stars who will mail you their sweat-soaked funky undies for a price (follow this link only if you’re not too weirded out by some people’s kinks.)
Maybe I can sell my atheist underpants?
#11: I think you got the recipe wrong:
1. Turn the keyboard upside down in the air.
2. Shake it.
3. ???
4. Profit.
Actually, the above discussion sheds some light on the usually so mysterious leap between 3. and 4.
“Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching”
I went to Assisi, Italy a little while ago as one of the stop-offs on a cycling tour. It hadn’t occurred to me (stupidly) that this is a religiot mecca. They flocked in on air-conditioned coaches and clogged up the narrow streets. It seemed, sometimes, like a scene from H.G. Wells, ‘The Time Machine’. In place of the Eloi, there was the faithful, trudging down to an ancient, wooden-doored collection facility. In place of the Morlocks, there were shop-keepers with mass-produced Jesus statuettes, Rosemary beads and assorted hocus pocus.
[shudder]
Ka-ching, indeed.
It’s not ether, is it? ;-)
No, Ether wath thome monthth ago. Thith poor thtiff’th thtill dead, never mind the”pleathant” thent.
Fun fact: With the above comment having been uttered, nine out of ten cardinals now believe theology has jumped the shark.
#12
DAMNIT Aaron, that was my line, except I was thinking about creating some kind of Immaculate Conception with it :/
Ok then, science time! What would happen if a drop of that sweat comes in contact with holy water?
You’d have the right pope, Slang. It was Pius IX who promulgated the doctrine of the Immaculate Conception of the Virgin Mary. He’s also the guy who convened the Vatican I council for purposes of having himself declared infallible. (Of course, he knew they would go along.)
So let me see if I have this straight.
A grieving widow is obsessively smearing cologne on the corpse of her dead husband, and rubbing the bottle it came in as if it were a magical object.
And the fellow mourners are touched by the gesture, and struck by the nice smell?
They’re not — oh, say, just for instance — simultaneously piteous and grossed out beyond belief?
What the farking zarquards is impressive and awe-inspiring about this spectacle? Other than, “Man, people do some freaky stuff when they’re grieving”?
Now, if the stuff brought him back to life — then I’d be impressed.
Oh, P.S.: I’m tempted to buy a bottle of this stuff myself. Then the next time a progressive theologian insists that modern religion doesn’t involve magical thinking, I could throw it in their face.
Wait – there’s still more! For the same low, low price, how about this fine set of blessed Ginsu knives!? Yes, they’ll saw a bathroom pipe in half, then slice a tomato paperthin. How much would you expect to pay in a store for these beauties? Yet they’re absolutely FREE with every bottle of PZ Stink (VISA, MasterCard or Discovery accepted)
I sort of figured you for a “Brut” man, PZ. Especially in the month or so following every Fathers’ Day. My sibs and I were pretty predictable as kids: every birthday or Fathers’ Day it was cologne, handkerchiefs, or some horrible necktie. Poor Dad. But at least it was never “Eau de Pope”!
It says on their site, that the cologne is:
….a fresh new fragrance from the past.
If it’s from the past, it’s neither fresh, nor new. Duh.
Ah, PZ. Yours is not a new idea. The Roman gladiators beat you to the product 2000 years ago.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/5129102.stm
8th paragraph.
The last time I travelled to Italy everywhere I went I looked for and loved the tacky papal and religious souvenirs. But do you think I could find a Pope-On-A-Rope? Searched everywhere. So there’s possibly a market opening for you*. I suppose, like all soap-on-a-rope, it would also have to be labelled “for external use only”.
*Hmmm. Papa Joe is visiting Sydney in a few weeks…
Ah dammit… Pope on a rope.
On the one hand, there is this incredibly tacky exploitation of the devout in the marketing of The Pope’s Cologne. It’s claimed to be produced according to some 19th century formula, straight from Pope Pius IX, who apparently went around dazzling the ladies with his bling and his expensive scent.
Pheromones for kids.
Can`t beat Old spice, Ratty should be able to pull the birds with that. Speaking of pope on a rope , my wife`s got a nunzilla in the cupboard , wind her up and sparks come out her mouth, the nunzilla that is.
From the same letter as PZ’s quote:
I don’t know about the cologne, but there’s plenty of historical evidence that quite a number of the Popes themselves were rather fond of touching so many people in so many ways…….
Odor of Sanctity. You’re doing it wrong.
“Or clean the crumbs out of my keyboard.”
I have heard (but never tried it) that you can immerse a keyboard in warm soapy water, shake the water out, and leave to dry in a warm place. the keyboard will still (apparently) work, and be clean too.
However, do NOT try this with a laptop keyboard!!! ;)
Do you mean cleaning the laptop like this ?
anaglyph said:
Oh, I don’t know, the recipe only dates from the 19th century. By RCC standards, that counts as fairly fresh and new.
Pope on a rope soap goes down well in my house. Er.. scratch soap.
Should send one of those to Kent Hovind.
shane (#43): When I visited the Vatican a few years ago, the shops in the area had available not only Pope-on-a-Rope, but also (it was late summer) Pope-sicles!
“No. I’m practically giving it away for the low, low price of $25, even”
You obviously don’t know the first thing about marketing. 25 bucks, even ? Ha, not a chance. $ 24.99 – well, now you might be on to something…..
I think I’ll call it…”Whiff of Mortality”.
How about… “The Anointy Noint Ointy Nointmenty Noit.”
I like it it’s really catchy.
It doesn’t make sense.
It just makes cents!
Why bottle sweat? Use pee instead, it is a lot easier to collect and is easier to produce in quantity.
That won’t work, Pious IX’s nickname amongst Italians was Pio No-No.
Aaron #12
“If we happen to find some of your DNA in the sweat sample…”
Perhaps if one *free* underarm hair were included in the first 100 bottles sold.
Are you grass-fed, PZ? I only want to buy grass-fed sweat.
What is the background image behind the block quotes, and would you lose it, please?
Pope Pius IX was the same pope who refused to return the six year old jewish child Edgardo Mortara. The Catholic church kipnapped in 1858. Can’t imagine his colonge would be very good. He stinks!
http://www.randomhouse.com/vintage/read/kidnapping/
Just keep it up PZ.
This world needs you and what you have to say. If you get bored with that elliptical, find some hills and just walk them not even trying, letting gravity do all the work. Results might amaze you.
Thank you for what you do.
Bob
Reminds me a bit of that rapture scam from a while back.
You know, when I see these unscrupulous huxters exploiting peoples’ faith for their own selfish gain I can’t help but think…
Why, oh why didn’t I think of that?!