At least it’s an interesting and unusual way to expire: a man in India was killed by a horde of wild monkeys. Not many people get to have that written in their obituary.
Reading further, I see that some places in India have a real problem with monkeys overrunning them, but I was surprised at this one solution they’re trying:
One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.
Uh, right. The little guys have just killed someone, so the obvious answer is to bring in bigger, meaner monkeys. Maybe the fate of death by monkey isn’t going to be so unusual after all.
(via Cronaca)
Well, factually, he was killed from a fall while trying to fight off monkeys. I read recently about a man killed when he crashed his car after losing control while swatting at a bee. The headline didn’t say; “Bee attack kills man”.
I read that this morning. Seems those monkeys are around because of Hindu religious beliefs and the faithful constantly feed them treats, like bananas and peanuts.
Hell of a way to get “martyred.”
So–they don’t want monkeys around … so they’re bringing in *other* monkeys? If the second wave of monkeys displaces the first unwanted population, then what will be done to get rid of the second population? Even bigger monkeys?
There was an old lady who swallowed a fly …
#3 Inky: Obviously, they’re going to bring in monkey-eating gorillas.
Don’t you fools see? What we’ve got here is a monkey gap! We need to develop second-strike capabilities, intercontinental ballistic monkeys, and monkeys capable of being launched from submarines! Revive Reagan! He saw the wisdom of the Star Wars program, plus, he had experience with chimps from Bedtime for Bonzo!
Our only hope for everlasting peace is MAD (monkey-assured destruction).
May Hanuman have mercy on us all.
Western Puerto Rico seems to be headed the same way, with feral rhesus and ‘Pato’ monkeys, escaped from a research facility. Word from the local zoo– if you’re confronted by a monkey, don’t make eye contact. Back away slowly (hopefully, not off the balcony.)
Obligatory Simpsons reference!
[Bart has unwittingly released a plague of bird-eating lizards into Springfield. But, as the Mayor and Principal Skinner explain, the lizards have saved the town from a plague of pigeons…]
Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn’t that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we’re overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They’ll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren’t the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we’re prepared for that. We’ve lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we’re stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that’s the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.
Perhaps there is a lesson for the students of urban *guerilla* warfare!
At last! An answer to the question, “If Evolution is true, then why are there still monkeys?”
Isn’t that a definition of American foreign policy?
shiftlessbum #1 – Dude rear ended my wife fending off a wasp. He was severely allergic, so it was a flight or fight for him. At least no serious injuries.
The displeasure of Lord Ram is apparent.
Can anyone say ‘rabbits in Australia’ or ‘kudzu in the American south’?
Isn’t it just amazing, how few problems there are that can’t be solved with monkeys?
According to the cartoon you bring in the lion to get rid of the monkeys.
What them there monkeys need is a damned good spanking.
I believe that plan-E will be rabid gorilla/shark hybrids with Kalashnikovs. That’ll work, right?
They even have monkeys in their airports in India.
That does sound a bit like our foreign policy.
“Who are those guys?”
“The Peoples Front for the Destruction of the American Infidel. They’re fighting against the same guys we are at the moment.”
“Cool. They sound like good guys. Let’s send them some guns.”
Maybe the man was trying to stop the monkeys from building another bridge.
http://www.newscientist.com/blog/space/2007/09/bridge-built-by-monkeys.html
In all seriousness, getting killed by a horde of monkeys sounds like a really terrifying, painful, awful way to die.
This story made me think of my favorite Cracker song.
Which came first, the monkey or the hindu?
Chris is correct, that is a terrible way to die. There have been a couple of chimpanzee maulings in the US news in the last few years.
“Mr. Davis lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek, lips and part of his buttocks in the ferocious attack. In addition, one of his feet was mutilated and his genitals were mauled. He was treated at Loma Linda University Medical Center, where his condition was “minute by minute.””
http://www.injuryhelpline.com/index.rwl?category=news§ion=animal+bite&article=man+mauled+in+chimpanzee+attack&id=92
This is funny in a sad way. Macaques are the “weeds” of the monkey world for a reason, but there’s no way I would bring in langurs to fix the problem. Those little beasts are vicious!
I recommend langurs to kill the macaques, baboons to kill the langurs, chimps to take on the baboons..and then…hmmmm…how to get rid of the chimps…
Kseniya said:
At last! An answer to the question, “If Evolution is true, then why are there still monkeys?”
I think the more appropriate question, given the circumstances, is ‘Why are there still humans?’
Easy: elect them to office. The real questions is how to get them out.
I’m surprised you didn’t highlight an item from later in the article; the reason they can’t cull the monkeys is that the Hindus regard them as an incarnation of the monkey god Hanuman, so they can’t be harmed.
I have an internet friend in India and he has posted photo’s of monkeys coming to the windows in his college to beg for food. :)
Oh, I have another weird way to go. A guy built a guillotine and killed himself in the woods.
Did someone say “spank the monkey”?
Does anyone else instantly think of the episode of the Simpsons where Bart gets a pet lizard that’s an invasive species? At first everyone is trying to kill it, but bart sets them free and the reproduce like crazy. They then eat all the pigeons and everyone is happy. Lisa then points out that they’ve just traded pigeons for lizards. Principal Skinner tells Lisa not to worry; they’ve got a species of snake lined up that eat lizards. Lisa points out that they’ll then be infested with snakes. Skinner retorts that they’ve got a species of gorilla lined up that loves to feast on the flesh of snakes. Lisa asks what they’ll do with all those gorillas once the snakes are gone. Skinner informs her that’s the best part, “Come winter, the gorillas all freeze to death.”
Marauding monkeys
Killing our politicians
Bring us bigger apes.
“So–they don’t want monkeys around … so they’re bringing in *other* monkeys? If the second wave of monkeys displaces the first unwanted population, then what will be done to get rid of the second population? Even bigger monkeys?”
No, they’ll get an octopus to kill them all!!! (see next post)
Hmmm… so he was trying to escape from a wasp inside his car by driving faster…?
:-o
The mayor was a member of Bharatiya Janata Party, which, IIRC, is a conservative Hindu party.
Monkeys are revered in Hinduism because they are “manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman, and often feed bananas and peanuts”.
Draw your conclusions.
Tina, #30: Did it make a sound?
Just bring in former Virginia Senator, George Felix Allen. He’ll gleefully rid the area of macacas by shoving deer heads into the little critters’ mailboxes.
What? Macaques? Oh, never mind…
Rear ending someone’s wife obviously means something different in the US.
“Conservative” is the nice way to put it.
“Conservative” is the nice way to put it.
What CTB said @ #12.
“I know, let’s release a bunch of mongeese to kill the rats and snakes!”
Not many people get to have that written in their obituary.
Anyone executed in Texas can have it.
Come on guys:
“Monkeys attack Delhi politician”
Politicians are always monkeying around with everything from science to funds.
They are fair game….
didn’t one of the partners in the coalition of the idiots offer herds of monkeys to be used to sweep minefields?
when a man falls of a balcony trying to escape wild monkeys and no one is there to hear it, does the body make a “thump” sound?
shiftlessbaum@#1, that’s a wasp, not a bee. (Also, you are Eric Frank Russell, and I claim one revolutionary/terrorist/saboteur/annoyance. Dirac Angestun Gesept!)
That’s a heapin’ helpin’ of just desserts!
If you think that wild animals are holy and allow them to share your living space and tolerate them with the aim of currying some sort of future favor based upon your reverence toward the critters and you feed them, then you must expect them to behave like wild animals that are comfortable in human habitats and that are not afraid of people and that think that they can eat your food at will. Oh, and protect their territory, too.
Think stupid, die stupid. Must be some sort of cosmic rule.
“shiftlessbum #1 – Dude rear ended my wife fending off a wasp. He was severely allergic, so it was a flight or fight for him. At least no serious injuries.”
Posted by: True Bob
Why should it matter him if she was fending off a wasp? Unless you mean rear-ending in the non vehicular sense.
I can’t be the first to say this but I don’t have time to read through 49 comments looking for it:
There’s always a meaner monkey.
I couldn’t help but think of “Battle for the Planet of the Apes”.
I remember about ten years ago when I lived near the University of Florida there was an incident where a monkey that had been used as a test subject managed to escape its confinement and wander the city for a couple of weeks.
What makes it even better was the fact that the monkey in question had a reputation in the lab as being particularly mean and willing to bite.
Now, before you think that the funniest headline in an American city’s newspaper the next day would be the announcement of an angry monkey at large, sit down. The best part of this (I guess not from the monkey’s point of view),and a clue as to the source of the simian’s anger, was the nature of the research being done.
I swear, although the local paper’s archive search feature sucks and I can’t find the exact wording, the headline was something to the effect of “Violent Monkey With Herpes on the Loose”.
Needless to say, citizens were cautioned not to approach the animal.
A billion killer apes, and they have to outsource to some little tailed primates?
Obviously, he was just trying to accelerate enough that the wasp would be crushed against the inside of his rear window by the g-forces.
Or maybe he was in a golf cart.
I’m still Rofling over #14..!
“Isn’t it just amazing, how few problems there are that can’t be solved with monkeys?”
Being an Uncle,and all, I guess I will have to have a word with the stupid violent primates…
And then maybe talk to the monkeys…
I love the headline on this!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/1107970.stm
So what primates have taken over the white house?
Wasn’t this the plot to Congo?