No, it can’t possibly be true! Jim Theis’s masterwork, The Eye of Argon(amzn/b&n/abe/pwll), has actually been published? As a book? With pages and a cover and all of that? I’ve known of this legendary monstrosity for years, and have read it online and as a tattered and stapled faded photocopy, but to actually have a publisher commit resources and money to it … truly, we are in the End Times.
You too can read it, but don’t buy it: get it for free, and even then you are paying too much for it. This is what you get when you give a teenager a thesaurus, insist that every noun must have an adjective, and the only forbidden word is “said”.
Take a taste.
Eyeing a slender female crouched alone at a nearby bench, Grignr advanced wishing to wholesomely occupy his time. The flickering torches cast weird shafts of luminescence dancing over the half naked harlot of his choice, her stringy orchid twines of hair swaying gracefully over the lithe opaque nose, as she raised a half drained mug to her pale red lips.
We all know how unattractive transparent noses are.
Glancing upward, the alluring complexion noted the stalwart giant as he rapidly approached. A faint glimmer sparked from the pair of deep blue ovals of the amorous female as she motioned toward Grignr, enticing him to join her. The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword, an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.
I’ve got to get me one of those battling loin cloths. I can copy no further, though, because the next bit seems to be a young virgin’s idea of making love, as learned from the pages of Robert E. Howard’s pulp stories, and decorum and taste forbid it.
It goes on like that, interminably. You will say more than once, “I do not think that word means what you think it means, Jim” as you read it. Its sole virtue might be that it is a book you can hand to aspiring fantasy writers and tell that this is exactly how not to write.
(via Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog)
This is from the Bulwer-Lytton contest, right? Certainly no real publisher would publish such dreck.
Like a guy said on Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog, I hope they get William Shatner to do the audiobook.
Also. . . ahem. . . “It’s sole virtue”?
Wow. It’s worse than Eragon. Please excuse me while I sterilize my eyeballs.
And maybe Uwe Boll should make the movie, after Left Behind Games produces the video game version.
When I first saw the title for Eragon, I wondered if it had been inspired the The Eye of Argon. Skimming a few pages confirmed it.
Famous/infamous in Science Fiction fandom, and to professional writers.
Makes “Plan 9 from Outer Space” took like Shakespeare by comparison.
The story of how the original manuscript was rediscovered is an interesting sub-story itself.
Open question: what is the SECOND worst science fiction book ever published, and why?
Thanks for the warning!
Warning: This Post May Contain Sarcastic Remarks.
Hey now, don’t knock Eragon, it is Star Wars in Middle Earth! How could it possibly be bad?
Cast this indefatigable, yet interminable tome into the crepuscular night where daemons creep upon silver trails of filigree incandescence.
Ow.
Take a look at the runner-up entry in this year’s Bulwer-Lytton, at http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm
I think this entry is so appropriate for Argon. I can see the reviews now: “Read Argon! It’s a gas!”
Okay, SOMEONE had to do it. I’m only happy it was me.
I started this thinking, “It can’t be any supider than the Gor novels….” And maybe it isn’t; but it’s certainly worse written.
Um … that stalwart giant is … er … unusually hung!
I, and my warband of 500 bloodthirsty Ostrogoths, would like to have a chat with the author of this book.
Reading the Eye of Argon in its original version: a crazy idea.
Reading the Eye of Argon in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version: a crazy good idea.
Ahh, the poor guy is dead. Never mind.
I can hardly stop laughing long enough to keyboard my comment. It almost reads like it was compiled according to some wierd computer code without human involvement.
However, it might be real. One of my former colleagues in real book publishing used to earn money on the side writing chapters in pornographic pot-boilers for the horny male readers (none read Pharyngula, right?). A given book might have 15 chapters and each chapter was written by a different author. And on each page (of the printed version) there had to be at least one orgasm. The authors/writers were given a cast of characters and how each chapter was connected to the ones perceding and following so continuity could be maintained. Within those rules they were free to write they wanted. Of course, all the writers used pseudonyms. I never tried my hand at it but my colleague thought it was a hoot, although his wife frowned on the whole enterprise.
Oy, that tears it!
I can’t seem to get MY novel published, & this prat manages to get THIS dreck out into circulation?!?!?!?
I thought De Camp was camp, but this? I wrote better stuff (not by much) when I was a teenager.
Crap.
Krystalline Apostate:
I started writing stories in fifth grade, and I think I cleared the Eye of Argon bar pretty quickly. Can’t find anybody daft enough to put my novel on bookshelves, either. :-(
Of course, Jim Theis had to wait until after he died, so maybe we can beat that. . . .
The Eye of Argon readings are wonderful! For those of you who have not had the pleasure: A TEoA reading consists of a bunch of people seated in a circle, with one copy of The Manuscript. One of said people starts the ball rolling; they stand up, and recite from The Manuscript until they break down laughing — at which point they hand The Manuscript off to the next vic- person in line, who, starting where their immediate predecessor left off, continues to recite from The Manuscript. This next guy continues until they break down laughing… and so on, and so forth.
Oh, and it’s an ironclad rule to pronounce the words exactly and precisely the way they’re written, spelling glitches and all.
In the TEoA readings I’ve taken part in, the rest of the crowd (i.e., them what ain’t reciting at any given moment) are encouraged to get all thespian and act out the story-events that are being recited at the time. TEoA readings aren’t neccesarily for everybody; but if you are of a mindtality of whichthat can appreciate the sublimnitous vicissitudes that are, and evirmore shall proceed to being forin all eternity, the quintissentially existenshial The Eye of Argon experience, you will, in all probability, however tormented, find this specific congerie of camaradarous- gregariousnesss to be one such that bestowwes measureless quantities of uynyielding enjoyment upon your yieldingly submissive cerebral hemisphear!
And here I thought “Dance with the Devil” was horribly written.
Sounds more like an excerpt from Stephen Colbert’s Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure.
As someone with his own reputation for abominable fiction, I feel a strange kinship with this guy.
In my teenage years I wrote serialized comic superhero fiction on an internet mailing list. A year or two after I stopped writing I popped in to see what was being produced.
I found that, in the intervening time, my name had become synonymous with bad writing. Years after I had stopped they were still using my stories to point to and say “well, at least it wasn’t as bad as that.”
I guess I was a little prouder than perhaps I should have been. I like to think Jim Theis is proud somewhere, too.
What, you just found out?
The reading I attended featured the readers reading in different celebrity voice impersonations. Just imagine Sean Connery reading the thing!
“This noble epic will leave you breathless and inert!”
Okay, I admit I actually clicked on the link to Amazon.com… What I really want to know is who in their right mind thinks they can charge $10 ($8.50 Amazon price) for a SEVENTY-SIX page book? I wouldn’t pay $10 for a 76 page book even if it was something important like the a copy of the Declaration of Independence, US Constitution, and The Bill of Rights.
Yes, The Eye of Argon readings are great. I remember my first one, and a large con, looking at the thin manuscript and 75 people in the circle, and I thought “It’ll never get to me”. Ha! It went around that circle three times. I think the record was three people in a row without progressing a single word. Three people in a row were handed the manuscript, found their place, and burst out laughing before they uttered a word.
Truly, this is not a book to be read solo. The correct way to enjoy it is to read it aloud with friends.
I truly can’t explain how bad it is to anyone not familiar with Vogon poetry. Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are just the superficial details. Cliches, fashion crime, continuity errors… this prose is not purple so much as green and decomposing. The reader’s disbelief is not suspended, but rather hanged by the neck until dead.
PZ, it’s being published as a book of unintentional Ed Wood-style humor.
The book description at Amazon:
“This is not a hoax. Jim Theis was a real person, who wrote The Eye of Argon in all seriousness as a teenager, and published it in a fanzine, Osfan in 1970. But the story did not pass into the oblivion that awaits most amateur fiction. Instead, a miracle happened, and transcribed and photocopied texts began to circulate in science fiction circles, gaining a wide and incredulous audience among both professionals and fans. It became the ultimate samizdat, an underground classic, and for more than thirty years it has been the subject of midnight readings at conventions, as thousands have come to appreciate the negative genius of this amazing Ed Wood of prose.”
Yes, a publisher is committing resources and money to it… as a piece of humor. Of course, you can get it for free online, but the same goes for plenty of other works that are now in the public domain, yet are still published in book form. That being said, $8.50 is still too steep, even when knowingly buying it a “B-book.”
-PZ
Take it back; the depictions of sex I wrote as a teenaged virgin, while occasionally clumsy and/or absurdly poetic, were MUCH better than this dreck. And I had megabytes on end of internet erotica (the average quality of which, I trust, needs no explication) rather than Robert E. Howard as a model. He lacks excuses.
-NickC
Consider that expression stolen. ^.^
Blake:
In the inimitable words of Bill Clinton, “I feel your pain.”
I read somewhere (in a Writer’s Market years ago, I think), that the best inspiration is to find the absolutely worst author you know, & keep a copy of that person’s work w/in easy reach. Every time you feel despondent, reach up for it, start reading – & feel validated.
Hereto forward, I feel not only validated, but inspired. Let the literary world beware.
NickC:
Pardon my crudity, but I couldn’t think of a better description of a circle-jerk.
Metaphorically speaking, that is…
Wow! I hadn’t seen this old excuse for prose since I last went to a con (too many years ago now.) I’m amazed it’s made the generational shift and is still being read. Though, of course, a reading is one of the funniest things imaginable.
Keanus:
I too have a friend (now happily a published horror novelist) who used to write porno-by-the-page as a sideline. He said he knew it was time to quite when he proofread a page and discovered that he’d written the line:
“She grasped his throbbing sock.”
Though that is an image worthy of the Eye of Argon to be sure. Maybe I can persuade him to take up Sci-fi…
OMG! I just this week happened to come across some awful prose I wrote 20 years ago when I first dreamed of taking it up as a career, and it was waaaay better than this slop. This is like, a submission for a wack prose contest.
The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side, exposing his body, naked save for a loin cloth brandishing a long steel broad sword, an iron spiraled battle helmet, and a thick leather sandals, to her unobstructed view.
That good writin’.
If you’re a desperately horny grade nine male, with no prospects of getting laid, for at least the next ten years.
Wait…
Let’s see, from the Book of Rubes, 3:5 –
“And there shalt be signs all about, to signify the end: men shall act as children, & the women chide them; boxes & charlatans shall tell the people what to think; & little boys shall write utter crap, & call it prose.
“Look upon these in the days where men deny all facts, & despair. For soon the ice will melt, & apes shall ask for emperors.”
– St. Barnum, patron saint of clowns & hucksters.
I dunno, I’m pretty sure the sort of guys who tended to be getting laid in ninth grade would write a lot worse. If, you know, they could write.
And speaking as a former desperately horny grade nine male with fairly long odds, by reasonable projections at that point, of getting laid in the foreseeable future, no it isn’t.
My son was wont to concoct compositions without using a symbol usually found in fifth position: A, B, C, D, {null symbol}, F, G, and so on. Thom won a writing award for composing in this way. “No Words for War” was what such a group of paragraphs by him was known as. (Oui, Thom was cognizant of “A Void.”) Obviously, I cannot do this as fancifully as my son. Thom’s compositions would not finish as unnatural sounding as this bit, nor with such poor grammar or gratuitous wording as this Argon author.
A book of synonyms is a first-class assistant, no doubt.
I’ve become a regular reader of The ISB, and through it, have become more literate in the Punisher and Batman and kicks to the face.
Go, minions of PZed, invade and assimilate the ISB! Muahahahaha!!
Damn you,PZ! This is all part of your nefarious atheistic-evilutionist-cephalopdist plot to undermine public morals. You knew that those of us still undefiled and innocent of this horror would find the temptation to read it irresistible!
Until now, I had thought the very worst of published fiction was a couple of (pre-LaHaye) Christian eschatological (leave off the initial ‘e’ to get the quickie review) novels I once read.
Is it possible this was the result of a Mad Lib?
Oh, & professor? You’re 1 of my favorite people, but (nothing personal, please don’t disemvowel me), but I think the loincloth’s not an accessory you can pull off. Maybe more of a scholar’s tunic or something.
Just sayin’.
I want to second the recommendation in #14 to read the MST3k version. The author of that, Adam Cadre, is actually a fine writer — a published novelist and one of the bright lights of the modern literary interactive fiction crowd.
I checked wikipedia for more info on this, and there was a link to the article about bad author Amanda McKittrick Ros.
I think I like her stuff better. As a sample, here’s the opening line from her novel “Delina Delaney:”
“Have you ever visited that portion of Erin’s plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?”
You HAVE to love that. Whatever it was.
But now you can play the Eye of Argon game without needing your laptop!
(For anyone who hasn’t ever played this game: Get together a bunch of people, as giggly or tipsy as possible. Someone starts reading the Eye of Argon out loud. When they laugh, they lose and have to pass it to the next person. Pronounce all misspellings, malapropisms, etc. as written. Highly recommended.)
I clicked on the Amazon link and was amused to see Morning Glory Pool in Yellowstone represented as an “eye.” The Park Service frowns on throwing objects into thermal features, but they might have been willing to make an exception for the author of this book.
The more comments I read, the harder I laugh. My jaw joints started hurting somewhere around #19.
Looks like this book ought to become classical literature, preserved from generation to generation, with people learning 20th-century English (including its baroque spelling system) just so they can appreciate the full depth of this mind-boggling trash in the original.
The more comments I read, the harder I laugh. My jaw joints started hurting somewhere around #19.
Looks like this book ought to become classical literature, preserved from generation to generation, with people learning 20th-century English (including its baroque spelling system) just so they can appreciate the full depth of this mind-boggling trash in the original.
That certainly puts Stephen Ratliff to shame.
So one can become famous by writing very good fiction, like our departed friend K.V., or one can write absolute drek, like this guy …
Hm. What symmetry. And what about us who are just sorta mediocre?
I am reminded of a book review by Dorothy Parker:
“This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly, but to be flung with great force.”
>The barbarian seated himself upon a stool at the wenches side…
Using apostrophes for possessives is so passé. Still, one has to admire a barbarian who knows how to use a stool. So many barbarians are thoroughly unstooled nowadays.
Holee crap! A post-modernist-style fantasy story!
I had mercifully forgotten about this over the past couple of decades. Thanks heaps.
— CV
Re: #7 – “Open question: what is the SECOND worst science fiction book ever published, and why?”
plus
Re: #11 – “I started this thinking, “It can’t be any supider than the Gor novels….” And maybe it isn’t; but it’s certainly worse written.”
equals
We have a winner! Or, if there is another “second worst,” I don’t wanna know about it!
— CV
Randall, thank you so much for the MST3K version.
I don’t think I could have read it without Mike and the boys running interference. I woulda cracked, tried to bash my way outta the satellite by putting my head through a bulkhead.
“Excuse me, sir. This rodent is broken.”
You are hurting me with your words….
I tried to read Argon, but I found I didn’t have any reaction to it. Perhaps the writing is too noble for me…
I checked out the link to the Amazon page selling this… PZ, I hope you’re using one of those referrer plans. The little section indicating what else people bought who looked at this included titles like “The God Delusion”, “The Counter-Creationism Handbook”, “Darwin Strikes Back” and “God: The Failed Hypothesis”. I gotta think that Pharyngulites were some of the prime movers in that list.
Just looked at the Amazon page. I must say, somehow the cover image is oddly appropriate.
Wait a minute! That should read: “Read Argon. It’ll give you gas!” So now I know the sad truth… my writing is… TOO GOOD to be published.