Once again, my post from the other day alerting readers to the death of human-shaped shitsack Rush Limbaugh and announcing the immediate commencement of our traditional grave dancing ceremonies has caused grave (<-hahaha – still funny) offense. And, once again, the ensuing comments have caused equally grave offense, since we are all subject to the same admonishment.

Last night at 10:33pm EST, someone with the handle Susan Apperson (whose email address is [email protected]) took time out of his or her or their busy day to issue this decree:

You people are all evil, evil people who God will someday judge. I would hate to be on all your death beds. None of you should judge…….God is the only judge!!. AND Karma is a bitch!!!

OMFG I love everything about this comment. Let’s break it down, shall we?

“You people are all evil, evil people who God will someday judge.”

First order of business: What god? Susan does not specify which deity is being referred to here. Is it Lord Shiva? (😍) Maybe Vi$hnu? It’s pretty clearly monotheistic, so we can safely rule out the entire Greek/Roman pantheon. Although technically a “God” could be gender neutral, in my experience it refers strictly to masculine figures. So yep, there go all the girl gods too. Tell you what, I’ma just go with a hunch here, and assume Susan means the Christian, 3-for-the-price-of-one god.

Second, why would this god someday judge us when Susan has already taken the liberty of judging us “evil, evil people” for him? Just seems like duplicative, unnecessary extra work.

“I would hate to be on all your death beds.”

It’s possible my commenters may feel differently, but you don’t seem like a very good person Susan, so I would never invite you to be anywhere near my death bed, much less on it. Eww.

“None of you should judge…….God is the only judge!!.”

Says the person who just judged all of us “evil, evil people.” LOL.

But you know what Susan? Passing moral judgment on us is perfectly fine, at least in theory. We all make such judgments all the time. For example, when Donald Trump was first elected, I judged anyone who voted for him as unworthy of the pleasure of my company, both online and IRL. I defriended and blocked them all on social media, and refused to interact with any of them in person. Or, alternatively, I thoroughly enjoyed myself making pretty damn sure they would never, ever return to that particular bar again. And guess what? My personal life and online experiences are all the better for it. So yeah, I absolutely should judge.

Moreover, Susan, the fact that you and I (and everyone else) make such judgments all the fucking time makes your statement that “God is the only judge!!.” not only irritatingly punctuated, but also a lie. That’s right: I am judging you, Susan Apperson, a liar. And a liar about your god, no less. Tsk-tsk.

“AND Karma is a bitch!!!”

Generally speaking, karma is a religious conceit in which every person’s “soul” is subject to rebirth upon the person’s physical death, with one’s station and happiness in the next life being predicated on one’s actions (and/or intent, depending on the sect) in this one. This reincarnation cycle continues in perpetuity for all souls, except for a rare, elite few souls who somehow figure out how to end the endless recycling and finally reach the realm of gods themselves. NEAT!

Interestingly, the whole karma cycling process itself is 100% deity-free: it runs automatically without any kind of divine judgment or supernatural intervention. It’s as if we were all living inside a video game wherein players gain or lose cookies or ammo or whatever depending on how well they play the current level. If the player scores enough they automatically get moved up to a way more fun level, and if not, they either repeat the current level or get knocked back to other, far less-fun levels.

Surprisingly, however, the basic concept of karma arose not from gaming but from ancient Indian texts. Karma has long been incorporated into various mostly-Indian religious traditions including Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism, Sikhism and Taoism. Notably absent here is anything even remotely related to Judeo-Christian religious traditions of any kind.

And yet Susan Apperson appears to be an emphatic True Believer™ in karma. Susan is under the impression that our musings (and/or intent?) on the Rush Limbaugh grave dancing post have resulted in us losing, like, A LOT of cookies and/or ammo, and therefore when we die our “souls” will be automatically recycled into new bodies, which will then go on to live less-fun lives than they otherwise would.

Now maybe it’s just me, but I get the sense that Susan actually wishes this punishment upon us and honestly believes we deserve it, which would only further cement Susan’s status as a seriously judgy person (and one who is unabashedly usurping her own god’s gig). And, living out these crappy lives after reincarnation is presumably in addition to suffering whatever sentence Susan’s judgy little god decides to hand down. This all seems a bit over-the-top as penance for a blog post and some amusing comments, no?

Regardless, from Susan’s belief in karma we can infer a belief in other deities, and frankly it’s not much of a reach to suggest that Susan may even aspire to become a deity by accruing the required amounts of cookies and ammo. But uh-oh! Here, Susan runs afoul of Exodus 20:3, a commandment found in her god’s overwhelmingly insufferable autobiography, which clearly states:

Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Disobeying this command is apparently a huuuuuge fucking deal too, for if we move on to Exodus 20:5, we learn this:

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me;

I don’t wish any of this on Susan – not yet, anyway – and especially not on any of Susan’s children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren, should some exist. But I have to wonder: what kind of person willingly worships a deity that punishes generations of innocent offspring for their own transgressions?

What I truly wish for Susan is the adoption of a superior moral code, perhaps one that celebrates the absolute finality of death for grotesque monsters like Rush Limbaugh.