That GIANT DICK Donald Trump may not plan on going anywhere anytime soon. But rest easy, people. I got this.

Yes I know, I know. My earlier assassination attempt failed.

But c’mon! You gotta admit this was an absolutely brilliant plan! Just think of the headlines:

Commander COVID: Casualty of Coronavirus!

And, may I add, my part of the mission was executed with spectacular precision. Frankly, if it weren’t for the extremely poor follow-through by those tools down at Walter Reed I would have succeeded. Then my superb delivery of ironic justice would have transformed a simple presidential execution from just another dry, 2-page account in the nation’s high school history books into an epic, classic adventure tale, full of danger and delights, hubris and heroism, ingenuity and intrigue, one that would echo down through the eons to come!

And so our problem persists. Actually our many problems persist, unfortunately, including that GIANT DICK in the White House who thinks he owns the joint. However, unlike our pundits and national press those who do absolutely nothing except worry and fret over this sorry state of affairs (SAD!), Squirrel-Hater-in-Chief Iris Vander Pluym is (once again! bravely! and selflessly!) taking matters into her own hands.

Now I cannot tell you much – obviously. But I think I can reveal a few tidbits to my Many Tens of Loyal Readers™, whom I trust implicitly not to share this Tiptop Secret® information beyond the walls of this blog.

So.

While my own family was very busy over the long holiday weekend doing their part to spread the coronavirus at large indoor gatherings, I on the other hand was very busy mastering the art of snatching infamous GIANT DICKS right out of their home environments, then vanishing with them undetected.

Here, I’ll just let these AP headlines tell my story:

Mysterious silver monolith disappears from Utah desert

-and-

German police probe mystery of missing giant phallus statue

First up, a de-classified debrief of my wildly successful training mission in the remote Utah desert, courtesy of the Associated Press:

(image: Utah Department of Public Safety via AP.)

[NOTE: If you don’t think an 11-foot high stainless steel structure qualifies as a “GIANT DICK,” all I can say is YOU have obviously never been to a sex shop in the West Village, mmmkay?)

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) — A mysterious silver monolith that was placed in the Utah desert has disappeared less than 10 days after it was spotted by wildlife biologists performing a helicopter survey of bighorn sheep, federal officials and witnesses said.

“We have received credible reports that the illegally installed structure, referred to as the ‘[GIANT DICK]’ has been removed from Bureau of Land Management public lands by an unknown party,” on Nov. 27, BLM* spokesperson Kimberly Finch said in a statement. The agency did not remove the structure, she said.

* Okay, listen up everyone. “BLM” will always and forever signify BLACK LIVES MATTER. Any other organization, business or institution – especially government institution – which shares this acronym with the movement for Black lives, whether intentionally, coincidentally or otherwise, should immediately rename itself such that its acronym becomes anything but BLM. Seriously, editing the auto-sign on your emails and the logo on your e-stationary and website is the least one can fucking do.

Anyway! Death to Squirrels™ can confirm that the Agency Formerly Known As the Bureau of Land Management’s spokesperson, Kimberly Finch, is 100% accurate in her statement that the AFKABLM “did not remove the structure.”

Heh.

The Utah Department of Public Safety said biologists spotted the monolith on Nov. 18, a report that garnered international attention. It was about 11 feet (3.4 meters) tall with sides that appeared to be made of stainless steel.

Death to Squirrels™ can confirm that the reported measurement estimates of the GIANT DICK are approximately correct, and that said GIANT DICK is in fact made of stainless steel. I think. Hey, IANAMetallurgist! I’ll go ask Marcus if anybody really needs to know.

While Utah officials did not say specifically where the monolith was located, people soon found it on satellite images dating back to 2016 and determined its GPS coordinates, prompting people to hike into the area.

Death to Squirrels™ can confirm that people did recently hike into the area of the GIANT DICK. However, Iris Vander Pluym herself wishes to state most emphatically that she does not now, nor has she ever, done anything approximating a “hike” in the Utah desert.

In a separate statement issued today by Ms. Vander Pluym, the internationally notorious squirrel hater said, “The only serious hiking I do or have ever done is urban hiking. I mean, what’s the point if you can’t even stop at every a bar?” Her statement concluded, “Further, while cities like London, Berlin and Barcelona are truly wonderful destinations for any urban hiker, New York City still remains my absolute favorite. ♥!”

Some of the people who hiked into the area of the GIANT DICK were noted and quoted by the AP:

Spencer Owen of Salt Lake City said he saw the monolith Friday afternoon and camped in the region overnight, but as he hiked to the area again on Saturday people passing him on the trail warned him it was gone, the Tribune reported. When he arrived at the spot, all that was left was a triangular piece of metal covering a triangular-shaped hole in the rocks.

“I was really bummed,” said Owen, who posted a video on his Instagram. “It was so pretty and shiny. I wanted to go see it again.”

Death to Squirrels™ can confirm that the GIANT DICK is so pretty! And shiny!

Riccardo Marino and his girlfriend Sierra Van Meter were traveling from Colorado to California on Friday and decided to stop and see the [GIANT DICK] after finding the GPS coordinates online.

“This was just a once-in-a-lifetime experience that we couldn’t miss out,” Marino told KUTV.

On the way, they passed a long-bed truck with a large object in the back and he said he joked “oh look, there’s the [GIANT DICK] right there,” he said.

Death to Squirrels™ has no comment on long-bed trucks, with or without large objects in the back.

Reporters with The Salt Lake Tribune hiked to the spot on Saturday and confirmed that it was gone.

Death to Squirrels™ can confirm that by Saturday, reporters with The Salt Lake Tribune or any other media outlet hiking to the GPS coordinates of the GIANT DICK would be disappointed when they arrived.

#sorrynotsorry

Meanwhile over in Deutschland, we are able to find a GIANT DICK that’s sure to please those who prefer that their sculpture maintain a more obvious similarity to real world referents than those post-post-post-modern perverts** in Utah.

Well, we used to be able to find a more realistic GIANT DICK sculpture up in the mountains of Bavaria. Not anymore! Hahaha.

** In case it is not crystal clear, the phrase “post-post-post-modern perverts” is a compliment of the highest order. Why else would I want to steal what is perhaps the finest specimen of the post-post-post-modern perversity period in sculpture? I’ll tell you something else: post-COVID, we are gonna have some wicked fucking parties in my ‘hood!

Speaking of wicked fun:

BERLIN (AP) — Police in southern Germany have opened an investigation into the disappearance of a large wooden sculpture of a [GIANT DICK] from a mountainside where it appeared without explanation several years ago.

Local newspaper Allgaeuer Zeitung reported Monday that the 2-meter-tall (almost 7-foot) tall sculpture appeared to have been chopped down over the weekend, with just a sorry pile of sawdust left behind on the 1,738-meter (5,702-foot) high Gruenten mountain.

Death to Squirrels™ denies chopping down the GIANT DICK. However we may have been looking for the most hilarious place to dump our accumulated piles of sawdust from the lab. Did you know squirrels can chew through nearly anything? Fuckers.

The [GIANT DICK] had gained celebrity status in recent years as a destination for hikers, and even appeared on Google Maps, where it was classified as a “cultural monument.” Local lore has it that it was made as a prank birthday present for a young man whose family didn’t appreciate the gift and so the 200-kilogram (440-pound) sculpture was hauled up the mountain and left there.

(image: nicked from the New York Post because fuck Rupert Murdoch. No seriously, fuck that guy. He probably nicked it from somebody else anyway.)

The German news agency dpa reported that police in the Bavarian town of Kempten are investigating the disappearance, although it wasn’t clear whether a crime had been committed.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE PEOPLE, MOVE ALONG! LOL 4EVAH.

Obviously I cannot release operational details of these or other GIANT DICK removal missions that may or may not have taken place, or those that may or may not take place in the future. What I can say is this:

Come January 20, the GIANT DICK residing in the White House won’t even know what hit him until it is far, far too late.

Also: my post-COVID parties in the West Village are gonna be legendary, man.