[CONTENT NOTE: graphic image of child’s arm showing injuries after a squirrel attack.]

I read with alarm a terrifying story out of Jacksonville, Florida:

Young boy among 3 attacked by squirrels at Jacksonville park

Several people including a child are recovering after they were attacked by a squirrel at a park in Jacksonville.

:o

Neighbors in Avondale say wildlife, especially squirrels, are coming a little too close for comfort.

Several blame humans for leaving out food.

Typical victim blaming AS USUAL.

A Jacksonville father shared pictures of his son’s arm after he said a squirrel attacked both of them at Boone park in Avondale.

Chavet Constable believes the same squirrel bit her husband.

“The squirrel just randomly jumped out,” Constable said. “(I) thought maybe he had food in his hand.”

No, Ms. Constable. I am sorry to break it to you, but your husband is food.

And speaking of Your Liberal Media^TM, of course this story did not receive the international attention it deserves. I suspect that the Sciuridae have infiltrated media networks worldwide to quash millions of stories exactly like this one (or worse), so that few people are truly aware of their despicable behavior. But they aren’t fooling anyone here at Death to Squirrels^TM headquarters, that’s for sure.

Now I generally avoid Florida because…well, Florida. However, I cannot exactly avoid New York City, since (a) I live here, and (b) I never, ever want to live anywhere else except for Costa Rica or possibly Spain. So I am doubly troubled that this next disturbing story was also ignored by the international news media. A Sports Illustrated writer tweeted the following:

A squirrel has gotten into the SI/Time Inc building and it has completely wreaking havoc & owning security. pic.twitter.com/Fn8WZmsKOo

— Jimmy Traina (@JimmyTraina) June 20, 2017

That video he tweeted of the varmint evading security at the Time Inc. building in Manhattan will give you an idea of just how wily these little fuckers can be, especially when their brazen plot to take over a global media giant like Time Inc. is accidentally uncovered.

While this incident occurred much closer to home for me, I wasn’t overly concerned. Nothing about it would surprise those of us already keenly aware of the squirrel threat to human civilization; this would simply become YET ANOTHER distressing report added to our already massive squirrel incident database (and also Reason No. 979,836,760 New Yorkers never go to midtown if they can avoid it, except maybe to see Bette Midler).

I was doing my usual due diligence and filling out all the required paperwork on this incident when I discovered something interesting. It turns out that Time Inc. is no longer located at Rockefeller Center; at the end of 2015, it moved its entire headquarters from the Time & Life Building waaaay downtown to 225 Liberty Street in the Financial District. Who knew?

The new address didn’t ring any bells, so I mapped the location on Google. Per protocol, I needed to determine which surrounding targets the squirrels were likely to invade next. Huh, I thought to myself. I think I was somewhere near there just the other day…

Now I never go downtown either if I can avoid it, but I had gone with a friend to see Wonder Woman (again! yay!) at the Battery Park movie theater. Afterward, we walked around a nearby mall ogling ridiculously opulent and also utterly unaffordable shoes, before deciding to find ourselves some booze lunch. We stumbled upon a place by the water that seemed to fit the bill: it served not one but two rosés from Provence by the glass and there were open seats at the bar? SOLD. And OMFG, lunch was spectacularly opulent and also utterly unaffordable! But we didn’t care. We chatted away the rest of the afternoon, thoroughly enjoying the wine and sampling a succession of superb small plates from the menu. Now that I thought about it, I had meant to look that place up online and make a note of it. Perhaps My Amazing Lover^TM and I could take the long walk downtown along the Hudson River Park and have drinks there on a nice day, no?

Google gave up the details I was looking for in 0.78 seconds: Le District Beaubourg, French restaurant on the Hudson River, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner daily. Raw bar, terrace seating available, open today from 7:30am to 11:00pm. Care to guess the street address?

225 Liberty Street. The fucking Time Inc. Building.

I suddenly felt cold, and shuddered. That squirrel sighting was NO coincidence, people. I had been right there only the day before! Clearly the Sciuridae are now hot on my trail, monitoring my whereabouts in a desperate attempt to thwart my next moves.

I know I need to lay low for a while. I have retreated to my secure lair, and although I am fairly certain the evil little fuckers did not follow me back here, I plan to remain holed-up indefinitely just in case. Plus, this week the West Village is ground zero for Gay Pride, or as all my gay friends who live here call it “Gay Hide.” Hey, it’s not like we don’t looooove hosting the parade and all the celebrations and events surrounding it, it’s just impossible to find an open bar stool or three at our regular watering holes. Or frankly, anywhere for miles. (Happy Pride, and I’ll see you guys next week! XOXOXO!) Don’t worry about me, though: I am very well stocked with rosé from Provence.

But I cannot stress this strongly enough: watch your backs, comrades. The enemy rodent menace is very, very close.

#deathtosquirrels