A savvy Facebook friend was quick to alert us here at Death to Squirrels central about an incident in the UK as terrifying as it is telling.
Squirrel invades Tesco, launches itself at a customer’s back and refuses to leave the wine aisle
A crazed squirrel invaded Clerkenwell Tesco and began attacking customers.
The creature refused to leave, as it browsed the wine deals.
34-year-old Emma Wright witnessed the scene, writing about it on Twitter.
She told the Standard: “I had gone to get my lunch at the store near to my office and was taking my pasta salad round to the check-out when I just felt this weight on my back,
“I thought it was a colleague grabbing me as a prank to try and make me jump so I turned around but there was no one there.
“Then I put my hand on my shoulder and felt something furry. I didn’t scream but I did swear.
Um HELLO?! The standard protocol in this situation is to immediately submerge your head in a vat of gasoline and set yourself on fire. Not swear at the fucking squirrel. Jeezus.
“I am not the most skittish of people but you don’t expect to have a squirrel jump on your back do you?”
You certainly do if you’ve been paying attention to my blog. Nothing is beyond them. NOTHING.
Ms Wright does not blame the squirrel for giving her a fright.
UGH. One of those people.
“Since then someone on Twitter has explained that when young squirrels are away from their mothers and scared they find things to cling to, so he was obviously a bit stressed and looking for a cuddle,” she told Mashable.
Well if someone on Twitter said it, it must be true. OH WAIT NO. As readers here are well aware, the rodent assassin clearly jumped on this woman’s head because he was trying to kill her (and/or steal her wine), and yet she believes he just needed a fucking cuddle?! Srsly?! Now you see what we’re all up against with the squirrel propaganda. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.
People on Twitter enjoyed the squirrel story, and people were soon commenting with funny quips, and concern for the squirrel’s welfare.
“I shared the photo and then it just started going crazy with retweets and likes,” Ms Wright told Mashable.
“Nothing captures the British imagination like a squirrel browsing wine in Tesco!”
Be warned everyone: this James McVey d00d is clearly a terrible treasonous traitor.
A spokesperson for the supermarket told the Standard:
“Our colleagues quickly adapted their fantastic customer service skills to help our furriest and smallest customer.
“After browsing our selection of wines, the squirrel was safely helped out of the store.”
And here we were thinking all along that the British drunken squirrel contingent had a strict preference for beer. My advice to readers, especially those in the UK: lock up your liquor. It is only a matter of time before the Sciuridae acquire a taste for high end vodka, whiskey, tequila and fabulous signature cocktails.
[h/t Aly]
English squirrats are drinking the Irish (that means EU) whiskey and not the BrExiting Scottish whisky ?
Is nothing safe from these furry fiends?
I, for one, do not welcome our rodent overlords.
OK, so this @emmabethwright@TESCO is absolutely in the know. Note what they said: “I approve of the fury babies.” Ahem. FURY babies. SEE??!
I am so going to watch my wine extra careful after this, not to mention watching my back. No telling what these FURY “babies” are going to do next.
This looks like a grey squirrel – technically, it is illegal in the UK to release those if you catch them, and it’s also illegal to keep them as pets; the only thing you can do with them is kill them. (They’re a proscribed invasive species.)
blf:
So far we can only confirm beer, and note this assassination attempt to get at wine. Also: Death to Squirrels is run as a safe space for rats (hi Caine!) and other rodents. Please refrain from using Muridae-based slurs against Sciuridae.
Anne, Cranky Cat Lady:
Nope. That’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell everyone. But unfortunately we’re up against the Emma Wrights of the world. (“looking for a cuddle”?! smh)
kestrel: Great catch! She is obviously so far under the spell of the enemy rodent she can barely hide it any more. Sad.
Andrew G.: I had no idea the legal framework with regard to the pestilence of squirrels in the UK was so sensible and enlightened! Too bad so many Brits are such huge squirrel sympathizers and scofflaws.
strange
True, and they also make good eating at this time of year. With that in mind I’d be only too happy if they’d relieve Tescos of a decent bottle of red first.