In Which I Agree With The Pope… A Little

Away in a manger, no crib for his bed
The pope says believers are being misled
The stars in the sky look down where he lay
The pope says it didn’t quite happen this way

The cattle are lowing; the poor baby wakes
The pope says the story is full of mistakes
I love thee Lord Jesus, look down from the sky
But even the pope knows the story’s a lie

Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask you to stay
The stories are bogus; what more can one say?
Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care
Their number is zero… you really aren’t there

Yeah, the pope has a new book out-volume three of his biography of Jesus. This one, “Jesus of Nazareth–The Infancy Narratives” (conveniently out in time for Christmas sales) would appear to be yet another salvo fired in the war against Christmas. That’s right, against. All those nativity scenes in Santa Monica and elsewhere? Yeah, not so much.

According to the pope’s research, there is also no evidence in the Gospels that the cattle and other animals traditionally pictured gathered around the manger were actually present.

He also debunks the claim that angels sang at the birth, a staple theme of Christmas carols.

I can’t wait until Bill O’Reilly attacks him for being a grinch.

Santa (Monica) Won’t Let Jesus Come To Town

“The atheists know
how the game’s s’posed to go;
That’s the only reason they won it”
You see, all good fools
know that reading the rules
Is the best way to solve a whodunit
Now this ruling means
our nativity scenes
Are in violation of laws!
But I’m filled with doubt—
could you point the law out?
(First Amendment; establishment clause.)

Earlier this year, I wrote about the decision to remove all the displays–nativity scenes, menorah displays, pastafarian dishes, you name it–from the Santa Monica oceanside park where nativity scenes had been displayed for decades.

A coalition of churches asked a judge to allow displays to continue this year, while the case was still making its way through the courts… and the judge said no.

William Becker, the attorney for the Christian group, said he expects the case will be dismissed at a hearing on Dec. 3 based on Monday’s proceedings and plans to appeal.

“The atheists won and they will always win unless we get courts to understand how the game is played and this is a game that was played very successfully and they knew it,” Becker said, comparing the city to Pontius Pilate, the Roman official who authorized Jesus’ crucifixion.

A good move, when your case depends on not being explicitly religious in nature.

There are plenty of other places in town where nativity scenes will be displayed. There is a limited amount of space where a public park can show an unobstructed view of the sun setting over the Pacific.

Good move, judge.

Celebrate World Toilet Day Today!

Today is so special—I don’t want to spoil it
For all ‘round the world, it’s the day of the toilet
The loo, bog, or crapper, the privy, the John
The can, lav, or potty… the list can go on
The commode, the latrine, or the porcelain throne
How odd that it’s so euphemistically known—
How strange we disguise it (a nice form of lying)
When plumbing like this has saved millions from dying
Without sanitation, diseases can spread,
And with so many sick, there’s a fair share of dead
So here’s to the shitter! Let’s all raise our glasses!
So dear to our hearts, and so close to our asses!

Today, November 19th, is indeed World Toilet Day.

This is actually quite a serious issue, and a matter of life and death for millions. So follow the link, and (their words, not mine) show them that you give a shit.

Food Dreams

I found myself eating, last night, in a dream,
These most wonderful scones, served with real clotted cream
And a strawberry jam that was fit for a king…
I awoke to a fridge that contained not a thing.

… well, close, but not quite 100% accurate. The fridge has all sorts of things in it… for thanksgiving dinner. Not for today. But I did have a dream about scones with jam and clotted cream. Oh, my goodness, I did have a dream about scones, jam, and clotted cream. Now I have to get clotted cream to have on hand for when the Cuttlekids come for thanksgiving. Or maybe just for me.

Have you ever dreamed about food? What food? What circumstances? Have your food dreams ever come true? Was that a good thing?

On Origins

The atheists, in arrogance, say man evolved from slime
From nothingness to everything, and all you need is time
With no one there to witness it, they simply cannot know
The truth is, they are idiots… the bible tells me so.

I may not know my science, but I know my holy book
It’s got all the truthful answers there; you simply have to look
Its authors took dictation from Almighty God Himself
That’s a sample of omniscience you’ve got sitting on your shelf.

The bible is, we all agree, God’s perfect, holy word
The scholars say it’s error-free; it’s what the ancients heard
With no one there to witness it, they simply cannot know
But you can trust the bible’s word… the bible tells me so.

[Read more…]

Atheists Are Going To Hell

(to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

You’d better watch Fox
You’d better watch now
You’d better watch Bill
He’s telling us how
Atheists are going to Hell.

He’s throwing a fit
He’s taping a show
He’s telling us all
He wants us to know
Atheists are going to Hell

He hopes we all are watching
There’s stuff he wants to say
He doesn’t have the slightest clue
But he’s talking anyway

So

It’s time to watch out
It’s time to beware
It’s time to know Bill
Has bullshit to air
“Atheists are going to Hell”

Oh… Bill. The gift that keeps on… talking.

The War on Christmas must be a real money-maker for Bill.

Sepia Friday

That is, not quite Black Friday (or CyberMonday) yet. But I’ve been tweaking the store just a little bit, so consider this a soft opening. Let me know if there are any problems.

There are the regular Cuttlefish With Quill t-shirts and such, the best mug in the world (and matching glassware, if you like), a few other tweaks on the design (including, for those who read this blog before it was FtB, stuff with the original Cuttlefish). I’ve added in some more of Mike McRae’s wonderful illustrations on other drinkware–sadly, they are too small to be good shirts. For you artists out there–yes, he’ll be getting his half of any profits. Shh, it’s a secret–don’t tell him. So you can collect all the cephalopod shot glasses, for instance (I have not yet been able to find a way to have them packaged as a single set–sorry!), or treat the world to the wonderful sight of a toddler with a blasphemy sippy cup. Myself, I’ve got my eye on a different sort of sippy cup.

Anyway, take a look. (And like I said, please let me know if there are any problems!) I’ll have it linked up top soon, and maybe a widget somewhere. But I want the bugs out of it (if there are any) by next week when people start thinking about Cephalopodmas!

It Was The Church

I was going to write a long diatribe… but honestly, the simple story is more moving than any framing I could possibly give it. I am late to the table when it comes to this story. But, frankly, to let that stop me from saying something would be wrong. People should be stopping each other on the street to tell one another this is wrong. Which, in some places… they are. And, no, it isn’t even close to an over-reaction.

When a tragically dying fetus was threatening the life
Of Rick Santorum’s wife

They performed what, without the Catholic church’s (and the Santorum family’s) quite understandable contortion
Was an abortion

Which saved the life of the mother.
You might have thought that the lessons learned from this incident might perhaps be applied to another.

But not so much.
Because the Catholic Church, in Ireland and around the world, is out of touch.

And when they feel the absolute control they exert over their subjects start to slip
They tighten their grip

So yes, when Savita died—died!—because a hospital refused to perform a routine but life-saving procedure in deference to religious proscriptions, a decision which should, now and forever, be for the hospital an unending source of shame
And you’re wondering who to blame

You don’t have far to search—
It was the church.

An Atheist’s Christmas…

It must be mid-November; I’m starting to get lots of hits for “Atheist Christmas” and related terms. So I thought I’d make it a little easier, and bring this one back to the top of the stack for a bit. I’m working on one (which, by the way, is very strange for me, but I have been very busy) which I quite like, but for now this will have to do.

An Atheist’s Christmas

We’ll all open presents, and cook a big dinner,
And share in traditions we learned long ago
But Christmas is different for this humble sinner,
No “birth of the saviour”, just people we know.

It has nothing to do with a babe in a manger
Or kings being led by a star up above,
But rather in family, friend, and in stranger,
In kindnesses done for the people we love.

A spirit of hope, and a season of giving,
A promise of peace in a troubling day,
A chance to examine the way we are living–
The courage to say what we’ve wanted to say.

You don’t need to think there’s a god up above you
To want to be good to your fellows on Earth.
To give to your friends, and to tell them “I love you”
Has nothing to do with some son of god’s birth.

For love, and for giving, we say “tis the season”
For caring, for kindness, for sharing good cheer
But why limit ourselves? I mean, what is the reason?
Why can’t we be giving the rest of the year?

This Christmas, my wish for each sister and brother,
To you, and to everyone you may hold dear;
Remember, this Christmas, to love one another—
Not only this season, but all through the year!

Related posts: An Atheist Christmas Card
Tis the Season
The War Against Christmas Comes Early

And yes, feel free to use this in any personal projects. If you use it in some money-making scheme, talk to me first. If you use it in a money-making scheme without talking to me first, you are agreeing to pay me 150% of the gross. Merry Christmas.