Headline Muse, 9/2

In a cop-based “reality” show
Starring Steven Seagal as a pro
If he thinks a cool prank
Involves driving a tank
I suspect the right answer is “NO!”

Headline: Steven Seagal denies role in dog’s death

Actually, there are quite a few stories out, with conflicting claims. Apparently, Seagal took part in a sheriff’s raid, as part of his reality show, and at one point commandeered a tank. Sources disagree as to whether the suspect’s dog was killed in the raid. Sources also disagree as to how much money the suspect is suing for.

No sources disagree that this is precisely the sort of thing that anyone who would watch a Steven Seagal-based reality show is tuning in to see.

Billboard Madness

Ed has a post up on the predictable online reactions to the new Atheist billboard in Grand Rapids. In the comments, there was a prediction of billboard vandalism, and the (surprising, to me at least) revelation that such “vandalism is actually pretty rare”. Count me among those who expects vandalism, but very willing to be proven wrong.

The story reminds me of a previous billboard campaign by an outgroup that had the temerity to remind us that they exist. Story below the jump:

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Re: “Ungodly Discipline”

The church that runs the boarding house where little girls are beaten
Finds the media attention rather odd
It exemplifies the problem with America today—
We put little children’s safety over God.

The republicans out courting votes, to energize their base
Call the global warming scientist a fraud
“We are taking back the country from the liberals, because
They trust scientific findings over God.”

A polygamist in prison, on a hunger strike for days
Thinks his trial was a ludicrous façade
And the problem with humanity is obvious to all
We’ve been following the law instead of God.

As I look through all the stories I see daily in the papers
I see we use our language rather oddly
To describe the sick behavior that religions may engender
We too often use the adjective “ungodly”

thoughts, after the jump:
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Headline Muse, 9/1

Eating burgers, or salads, or soup
Has effects, say researchers who snoop,
They determine the kind
And the number we find,
Of bacteria found in your poop

Headline: What We Eat Shapes Microbe Societies Inside Us

Yeah, I cheated again; it’s not a proper headline but NPR’s health blog, “Shots” (great name). But what a great story. I’m sure my readers already know that there are more cells inside of you that are not yours than that are. More bacteria cells than person cells. And yes, this bacteriological biome acts as an organ, and helps to make you the person you are. And that alone is so very cool. But it turns out that (obvious in hindsight–a phrase intended as a compliment to the authors) what you eat helps to shape what sort of bacteriological population you carry.

Y’know, just click the link and read the story. It’s very worth it.

Apple and Gods

So there have been any number of stories recently about Steve Jobs, due to his recent retirement. Here, for instance, PZ talks about some of what Jobs did so incredibly well. Me, I’m just going to take advantage of the current situation to repost a recent comment on a neurological finding.

Mac-ily crack-ily
Apple Enthusiasts
Think about gadgets, and
Light up their brains,

Piquing the interest of
Neuroanatomists,
Glad to discuss what
The picture explains:

Sexily, vexily,
Newest technology
Shows an analysis
Just a touch odd;

Macheads don’t suffer from
Psychopathology;
Rather, their brains see the
Gadgets as God.

Apple-ish, Chapel-ish
Documentarians
Came to conclusions
A bit front-to-back;

God was their yardstick, but
Incomprehensibly—
Truth is, Jehovah is
Merely a Mac.

[Read more…]

Headline Muse, 8/30

Some may say I am lax in my morals
Though I’m not one to advertise quarrels
I’m a bad, selfish man,
And because of my tan
We’re both mining and killing the corals

Headline: Coral could hold key to sunscreen pill

Ok, I can’t wrap my head around two stories recently in the news. First…. Human effluent (sewage, or shit, to you and me), pumped into the ocean, is killing corals. That’s about a week old. Literally, we are shitting on the ocean and killing it.

And now this week. The beeb tells us that “Scientists hope to harness coral’s natural defence…” against what? really, it doesn’t matter why, but in this case it is to make sunscreens. Fucking sunscreens. “By studying a few samples of the endangered Acropora coral…” Oh, it’s ok, “they will copy the genetic code the coral uses to make the compounds and put it into bacteria in the lab that can rapidly replicate to produce large quantities of it.”

“Dr Long said: ‘We couldn’t and wouldn’t want to use the coral itself as it is an endangered species.'”

So they’ll strip the information from the coral genes, then test it on scraps of skin left over from tummy tucks… seriously, check the link, I am not making this up. A product designed to enhance future vanity, tested on the byproducts of current vanity.

We are sooooooo fucked.

The Truth (As He Sees It)

So today or yesterday, I saw a letter to the editor in a local paper, chastising the editor for something mean said about Rick Perry. The writer was planning on voting for Perry, because “He tells us the truth as he sees it.”

The following is written in the West Texas song tradition, and may be sung with guitar, small band, or just a harmonica by the fireside. Yodeling, however, is a must. It’s a sweet 3/4 time, just a little bit faster than “Waltz Across Texas With You”.

“He tells us the truth as he sees it”
That surely deserves our respect
His view is not sullied by knowledge, or facts,
Or intelligence we can detect.
He’s a church-going, god-fearing Christian
And he’s honest as Sunday is long
There’s nothing that tempts him to change his beliefs
Like the fact that they’re utterly wrong

(yodeling part)

He’s suspicious of climate-change science
Evolution, and the age of the earth
But he’s steadfast and true in his ignorant stance
His resistance to change shows his worth
In hundreds of life-and-death matters
His was always the right choice to make
Though it’s better to execute innocent men
Than admit he could make a mistake

(more yodeling)

See, it just doesn’t pay to be truthful
When consistency makes you look right
If correcting mistakes made you rise in the polls
Then he would. Or he should. Or he might.
But it’s me, and the rest of us voters;
If we checked, then we likely could tell
Still we vote for the one with the prettiest lies
And together, we waltz off to Hell.

(A bit more yodeling)

And together, we waltz off to Hell.

First Day Of Classes

Wish me luck–except that wishing works as well as prayer
I guess it doesn’t matter much for you to say you care
So think the thoughts you want to think, and sit there on your asses
I’m much too rushed to care right now… I’m heading off to classes.

(Best of luck to my student, faculty, staff, and any who are in the midst of the semester ramp-up. For the rest of you, just have a great day. Or not; it’s not like I’m the boss of you.)