God Is Love, Right?

The Old Testament god of the bible was liable
To torture and kill you, as if at His whim;
His ardent believers were therefore a scare for
The heathens who dared have doubts about Him

The New Testament hoped to appease us with Jesus
Whose death on the cross was the end to our fear;
Now Christians are always, while living, forgiving…
Unless we say something they don’t want to hear

Yesterday’s “Headline Muse” referred to the American Atheists’ WTC cross case. It’s a story worth keeping an eye on, for those of us who love reading commentary. As is often the case, the worst of the comments are censored before we can read them… but this time, some have been archived, and serve as testimony to Christian Love. (The ones that remain range from supportive to vile, but fall short of death threats.) [Read more…]

Who Is To Blame (For Catholic Scandal)?

There is far, far too much scandal
At the Vatican these days
Since it cannot be the Church’s fault
Let’s try to blame the gays!
With their sinful choice of lifestyle
And their flaunting of God’s creed,
If we have to point the finger
They’re a likely cause indeed!

There is much too much at stake here—
Far too much that we could lose—
So to keep our asses covered
We should also blame the Jews!
They have constantly conspired to
Bring a downfall to the Church:
If you want to find a smoking gun,
The Jews are who to search!

There is blame enough to go around
(As if you couldn’t tell),
I think it prudent we should blame
The atheists as well!
They have no moral compass
But they want to write the laws—
A secular society
Must clearly be the cause!

It’s hardly worth our mention,
Yet another group to name,
But you cannot help but notice
There’s the media to blame!
The reporters keep on digging,
Though they’re covered up in dirt—
Such a filthy occupation;
Think of all the priests they’ve hurt!

There’s one more group deserving blame;
They’re making lots of noise,
And claiming to be victims, too—
I mean, of course, the boys!
Their baseless accusations are
But acts of desperation;
They, too, should shoulder guilt
For leading priests into temptation!

So many guilty parties,
Waging war against the Pope—
One fact alone sustains us
And allows us still to hope:
One group alone is blameless—
There is nothing to discuss—
No matter where we’re finding fault
It won’t be found in us!

******

The sad thing, of course, is that each of these groups *have* been named, by one or another apologist, as the true culprits to blame for the scandals.

Creationists? What Creationists?

The NSF found a solution
To a culture that shuns evolution:
We think it is best
That the national test
Make a critical, small substitution—

Since creationists find it offensive
We are more than a bit apprehensive—
So we think, if you please,
It is best to appease
(Besides, lawsuits get rather expensive!)

Sure, it may be the coward’s way out
But religion, it carries some clout—
Just one thing we will hide,
Because national pride
Is what testing is really about!

So our scores will be where they belong
And it looks like our science is strong.
And besides, we’re not fools—
The creationist schools
Are aware that their teaching is wrong!

Though uncomfortable truths make us squirm,
We do not need a test to confirm
Half the country will choose
To most willingly lose
On exams at the end of the term!

It’s their faith that we put to the test
When we ask them which answer is best
If they really do well
Then they’re going to Hell—
If they flunk, then they’re heavenly blessed!

We could gather their scores, with a blush,
And confirm that their thinking is mush,
Or do this: with a shrug,
Sweep it under the rug:
Don’t address it, but keep it hush-hush.

Cuttlecap tip to PZ

Pity The Pedophile Priests, Pleads Pope.

The Pope pleaded “pity the pedophile priests;
Protect the poor padres, please pray”
They’ve sinned, but since Eden, we’re nothing but beasts
These men–why, they’re victims, I say

It’s Satan, or sickness, not something they choose
When they lust after children, God knows
They’re clearly as blameless as Holocaust Jews
(As the rhetoric reaches new lows)

With your staff and your ring, with your mitre and cape,
And with millions that heed your command
This is not just P.R.; this is forcible rape–
What’s the part that you don’t understand?

The fact that your coverup now comes to light
Has you pacing the Vatican floors–
And the grim realization must fill you with fright:
These sins are not Adam’s; they’re yours

Onward Christian Militias, Marching As To Jail

For toxic Christian nuttery
It’s hard to beat the Hutaree;
I’d say it to their face, except I’d rather not get shot.
A branch of Christianity
With double the insanity—
In mental evolution, they’re the land that time forgot.

In events unfolding as I write, a christian militia group is … what? Fighting the government? Preparing for the antichrist? Shitting their pants when confronted with FBI agents with guns, instead of the trees they are accustomed to shooting at?

That’s the thing about ongoing events. We can’t see the future, and these next hours and days (and, if you believe the Hutaree forums, weeks and months) could get interesting… or remain mind-numbingly predictable and dull.

Even the other militia groups are distancing themselves from the Hutaree militia, so I am guessing there is some weapons-grade lunacy there. I am not going to link to their site (their google hits have gone through the roof, so you’ll have no problems finding them), but it’s a fun little place. In a DSM-V clinical study kind of way.

I’d recommend popcorn, but it is a bit early to see if this goes Waco (or worse) on us, and I don’t want to make light of that possibility. The forum already spoke of the possibility of a government building going down… of course, taken down by the FBI themselves as part of a false flag operation.

Jesus is their General, you know. This would never have happened had they been touched by the FSM’s noodly appendage.

I Just Love A Good Vatican Scandal!

(Channeling Mark Russell, and wishing I could channel Tom Lehrer…)

The Vatican is rocked by scandal!
No more singing Bach or Handel;
Finding men to suit demand’ll
Get you in the end!
Caught on wire as he confesses
Finding dates for men in dresses;
Hold the tape and stop the presses,
Better to attend!

What’s the problem? Prostitution;
Finding, matching, distribution,
Knowing later absolution
Wipes you free of sin!
A chorister who likes duet work
Organized a proper network
Told the gigolos they’d get work;
“When can you begin?”

With ornate bedposts, leafed with gold, and sheets of finest satin
Your tips are better, we are told, if you can moan in Latin.

He’s lost the high ground in these quarrels
No more resting on his laurels;
If the Pope should speak of morals,
We can roll our eyes.
Throughout time, since Eden’s apple,
Till the current papal grapple,
Seems the urge to fuck a chap’ll
Always get a rise!

Hat tip, PZ, of course.

He’s A Maine-i-quack!

If I thought I had the answer
To a killer such as cancer
I would fight against The Lord, Himself
To make my findings known;
To make certain I was certain
I would gladly raise the curtain
So that anyone could take a shot
At what, therein, was shown.

I would never ask immunity
To jabs from the community
If doing so would cover up
The rigor that I lack;
But Moritz and Maloney,
Though they’re through and through baloney,
Choose to run away from evidence:
They duck just like a quack.

Both PZ and Orac have already taken them to task, but I forgot to actually post this little verse on my own site.

Blame It On The Vaccines

My right hand twitches, my left hand itches,
My knees won’t stay in the legs of my britches,
The man on TV says it’s probably witches,
My dad says it’s all in my genes.
My vision is hazy, and one eye is lazy,
The ache in my hip makes me thnk it’s dysplasia,
People are looking at me like I’m crazy,
I’m blaming it all on vaccines.

My nerves are fraying, my hair is graying,
When the moon is full, I can’t help baying,
My voice gives out in the middle of praying,
I’m growing allergic to beans.
My ears feel funny, my nose is runny,
My skin turns green when the weather’s sunny,
My piss runs clear, but it tastes like honey,
I’m blaming it all on vaccines.

My feet are stinky, my phlegm is inky,
There’s parasite worms in the joints of my pinky,
My corpus callosum is shriveled and dinky,
I’m really not sure what it means.
My liver’s aching, my spleen is shaking,
The bones of my spine are all cracking and breaking,
But rather than coyly admit that I’m faking,
I’m blaming it all on vaccines.

****

Inspired by PZ’s post on the cheerleader who developed all those bizarre symptoms shortly after her vaccination. Although her disorder made no sense physically, the antivaxxers invited her gladly… because they are never ones to let actual science get in the way of a good story.

I’d link to PZ, but my laptop died two weeks ago, and I am posting this from a coal-fired difference engine we long ago decided was obsolete. It is. I can’t open pharyngula now, without the computer crashing. I am sure you can find it yourself.

Meanwhile, happy valentine’s day, and thank you very much to the person who used one of my valentine poems and actually tipped!

The Learned Judge Blair

The learned Judge showed mercy,
For she knew the man devout;
One cannot be religious, and
A brutal, lowly lout–
Religion shows the brighter light,
Not worldly, but sublime;
You’d never break a fellow’s jaw…
Except, of course, this time.

The learned judge, she reasoned
That forgiveness was the path;
She’d demonstrate God’s mercy
When she could have picked God’s wrath.
A judge who follows faithfully
Could never be a dunce;
She’d choose the wise and sober course…
Except, of course, this once.

The learned judge is hearing
From the slighted and the wronged
For speaking through her prejudice
As if such views belonged.
Some arguments belong in court,
But then again, some don’t;
The judge should learn from this mistake…
Except, of course, she won’t.

Judge Cherie Blair has suspended the sentence of a man found guilty of assault, on the basis that the convicted is “a religious man”. AC Grayling writes eloquently of the story on RichardDawkins.net. Cuttlecap tip to PZ.