It’s JesusWeen, Charlie Brown!

Good Grief!

The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen
Is Jesus-Ween.

At Jesus-Ween,
the zombies walk the earth—well, one, at least.
At Jesus-Ween,
there’s blood and body, ready for the feast
At Jesus-Ween,
the demons are afraid to show their heads
At Jesus-Ween,
good boys and girls are safely tucked in beds
At Jesus-Ween,
good Christian children keep their bibles handy
At Jesus-Ween,
we all refuse to eat satanic candy
At Jesus-Ween,
we steal another holiday for Jesus
At Jesus-Ween,
we wonder why the other people tease us.

I suspect that if, after Charlie Brown had gotten a rock in his trick-or-treat bag, some other kid had gotten the little green Gideon bible, even Charlie Brown would have pointed and laughed.

Tales Told By Idiots

The contenders ‘round the table pushed their policies and plans;
Their attacks aimed at Obama were quite ruthless
Though they rang with sound and fury (well, according to their fans)
When examined, they were often nearly truthless

The claims made to a wide audience will stick around, even when they don’t hold up to examination in the harsh light of reality. Still, it is nice to see that someone is actually checking the truthfulness (vs. truthiness) of those claims.

No matter who the eventual winner, we can expect to see these claims again, and ought to be prepared. Of course, being prepared is not always enough (those of us old enough to remember Mondale’s response to Reagan’s “there you go again” are keenly aware of this).

The Values Voter Summit

We must elect a president, to start a revolution,
Who’s bold enough, and brave enough, to question evolution!
Whose moral code is biblical, immune from all depravity,
Who won’t give up the fight till we repeal the law of gravity

We need a Christian president—that’s one thing that I know—
Whose values for our future grew two thousand years ago!
Whose thinking starts and finishes inside a holy book
Who doesn’t know of science, and who doesn’t want to look

We need a man for president, a man who holds dominion
Whose superior position is a fact, and not opinion
The Values Voter Summit knows Republicans can’t lose
So long as we’re consistently against a right to choose!

We need a fucking troglodyte, a knuckle-dragging freak
Whose knowledge of the bible trumps ability to speak
The voters don’t want brains at all, so much as they want nerve…
They say, in a democracy, you get what you deserve.

Headline Muse, 10/7

There’s a pastor whom Perry consults
And they talk about stuff like adults
Like how Jesus Christ chooses
Who wins, and who loses
And how other religions are cults

Headline: Perry Ally Calls Mormonism ‘A Cult’

The Baptist pastor endorsed Rick Perry, called Mitt Romney a non-Christian, and renounced his church’s tax-free status so that his political statements could be viewed as the campaign contribution they were intended as.

Do I need to tell you I’m just kidding about that last bit?

Oh–Jesus and Mo is, as so often, appropriate here.

Church Under Attack… By Self

An Ohio church is under attack
By an evil atheist horde!
Or that’s the headline, after all
The facts have been ignored.

The atheists had a billboard up
Right on the church’s land!
It was removed immediately
Upon the church demand

A billboard on the church’s land?
There’s something there that’s funny
Although the church is tax-exempt
That sign is making money

Turns out, commercial property
Gets taxed, and they are liable
It’s “render unto Caesar”, as
It says there in the bible

The church is in the wrong here
In their tax-evasion game
But why admit their guilt,
When there are atheists to blame?
[Read more…]

BOOOO!

Dedicated to Tea Party Rabble-Rousers Everywhere.

When we look at global warming
And the use of carbon fuels
Should we listen to the scientists
Or listen to the fools?
If the scientists are certain
That the evidence is true:
BOOOO!

Someone’s come across the border
Cos they’re looking for a job;
Should we treat him with respect, or
Simply throw him to the mob?
Immigrants are people;
Could there be another view?
BOOOO!

If a businessman has cancer
Do we simply say good-bye?
Though it’s in our power to help him,
Should we really let him die?
If he can’t afford insurance
Should the government come through?
BOOOO!

There are questions we can’t answer
And a man who’s set to die
Can we really be so certain?
Is this something to decry?
We have to have our justice vengeance—
If it’s not this man, then who?
BOOOO!

There’s a question from a soldier—
Will you hear him out today?
“Can you promise us fair treatment
If we’re lesbian or gay?”
As we listened to the question
There was one thing we could do:
BOOOO!

There’s a sort of open secret
We don’t openly admit:
There’s the people with the money
And the people with the shit
So we’ll punish the majority
And benefit the few:
Yahoooo!

Headline News, 9/22

A decision that’s rather surreal—
The state senator made an appeal
To eliminate waste
That’s of questionable taste
The condemned get no choice of last meal

Headline: Texas Prisons End Special Last Meals In Executions

Lawrence Russell Brewer, who was executed Wednesday for the hate crime slaying of James Byrd Jr. more than a decade ago, asked for two chicken fried steaks, a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger, fried okra, a pound of barbecue, three fajitas, a meat lover’s pizza, a pint of ice cream and a slab of peanut butter fudge with crushed peanuts. Prison officials said Brewer didn’t eat any of it.

Gee, I wonder if something put him off his feed?

While extensive, Brewer’s request was far from the largest or most bizarre among the 475 Texas inmates put to death.

On Tuesday, prisoner Cleve Foster’s request included two fried chickens, French fries and a five-gallon (19-liter) bucket of peaches. He received a reprieve from the U.S. Supreme Court but none of his requested meal. He was on his way back to death row, at a prison about 45 miles east of Huntsville, at the time when his feast would have been served.

Last week, inmate Steven Woods’ request included two pounds of bacon, a large four-meat pizza, four fried chicken breasts, two drinks each of Mountain Dew, Pepsi, root beer and sweet tea, two pints of ice cream, five chicken fried steaks, two hamburgers with bacon, fries and a dozen garlic bread sticks with marinara on the side. Two hours later, he was executed.

Years ago, a Texas inmate even requested dirt for his final meal.

For the record, I hate, hate, hate the death penalty. The notion that the state can kill someone in my name (I take it personally; it’s my country and my state) is repulsive to me.

The idea of a last meal, though. I have one. It features multiple members of the pie family, from meat to fruit. But gee, now that a Texas state senator has decided that getting one special meal before they kill you is coddling, I guess I’ll just have to keep away from Texas, just in case I do something illegal there, like be an atheist.

What would your last meal be? Let’s assume you’re not on death row, but somehow know this is your last meal–or the last one you will appreciate. What’s on your menu?

One Million Moms Don’t Like Schweddy Balls

“One Million Moms” are marching
In the grocery stores and malls
To protest execution? No!
To protest Schweddy Balls!

They’ll send their waves of emails,
With their keyboards at the ready;
It’s not the excess calories—
The name says “Balls” and “Schweddy”

“We’re looking for a million moms”
They have not got them yet
But still, they’ll claim their million
Lest the media forget

Health care? Bullying? Abuse?
Education? Gun control?
A million moms could take a stand
But that’s not how they roll

They want their Christian values
On the television screen
While death, and pain, and prejudice
Are blissfully unseen

Via NPR, the inspiration for Schweddy Balls in the first place.

Seriously, go take a look at their “other issues”; if ever there was a group dedicated to tone and not substance, this is it.

And nowhere do they state their actual numbers. How many moms do you need before you can legitimately call yourself “one million moms”?

Edit–if you are the type who never reads comments, make an exception! Interesting information about the Million Moms, from commenter “freebird”. (thanks, freebird!)