They were happy, oh so happy,
Gran and Grandpa’s letter read—
Cos their grandson was their shining star
(Though that was left unsaid)
When they saw him in a play, this year,
Although I thought, instead,
That the subject matter seemed a little grim

See, their church put on a musical—
It featured all the kids—
Which, of course, meant all the older folks
Would really flip their lids,
As they told, in Noah’s tale, what
God allows, and God forbids:
With the bottom line, obedience to Him.

So the children in the chorus sang
About a “chance of rain”
And the dialogue, though stilted,
Did its utmost to explain
That the people, being wicked,
All deserved such death and pain,
Cos they lived in disobedience to God

And the parents in the audience
(Their parents, too) just beamed
And they giggled their amusement
When the drowning sinners screamed
(Knowing each of them was hell-bound
Cos they all died unredeemed)
Which, to me, made their enjoyment rather odd.

But it ended with a rainbow,
As a message from above
And an olive twig delivered
By an unassuming dove
As a message that this genocide
Was nothing less than love
And God’s promise that he wouldn’t do it twice

Though my reading of their letter
Might imply it makes no sense—
That the pride they showed their grandson
Was a case of false pretense—
That they treat their God unkindly…
Let me say, in their defense:
This God of theirs… He isn’t very nice.

Sooooo… yeah, I got a Christmas card (very religious) with a letter (ditto) from my aunt and uncle. They are wonderful people, and they happen to be biblical literalists. My uncle in an engineer, and a really smart guy, and it clearly hurts him when the bible and the real world appear to disagree. I say “appear to”, because clearly they can’t, and he goes to great pains to figure out how to interpret the bible such that it is both literally true and consistent with the real world. I had a long talk with him once about [cuttlefishology topic], which showed him that his interpretation was not consistent with the evidence–my dad assures me that my uncle absolutely will not ignore this contradiction… but that he will figure out a way to show that the bible was right and has been for 2,000 years, and that my disconfirming evidence actually proves the bible right.

Anyway, I got their card and letter. And in it, there is mention of a play, a musical, that their grandson (my grand-nephew, perhaps? second cousin twice removed?–I have never met him) was in. A musical, intended for kids, about Noah’s ark. Noah’s ark–the greatest genocide in history, if true (thankfully, there is no evidence that it is).

So the musical is “100 percent chance of rain”, and I imagine that I would love it, if I were my uncle. I mean, hey, it’s kids! Singing!

Now the Lord was unhappy with the people on earth

They were not what they ought to be and not what they’re worth

They were bad and ugly and mean as could be

So the Lord had to clean things up as you will see

So the Lord turned on the water and just let it run
And for forty whole days they didn’t even see the sun
And the water poured down and made everything clean
And a longer wash day has never been seen

(That’s the actual song, not me!)

And all goes swimmingly (get it?), with Noah’s neighbors (and even his sons!) expressing disbelief, laughing at him… and then the rain starts.

Ok. Let me be serious here for just a bit. This creeped me out. Here, here’s a video of a church group performing the musical, just at the point where the storm begins in earnest. Go ahead, take a listen…

If you want, you can go back to the whole thing, for context. Part one. And part two.

For those of you who don’t click links (what, don’t you trust me?), the Noah story has reached the part where the animals are aboard (in the play, all the kids who were playing disbelievers get double roles, playing animals–they get to go on the ark! In real life, they’d be dead!), and the rain starts. So… what direction do you give the kids? Kids. KIDS, goddammit!

At roughly 8 minutes and 31 seconds into part 2, the curtains are closed and all the kids scream… and scream… and scream…, and eventually, stop.

Yep, 99.99999%+ of the world’s population (the people you were just portraying) have drowned! Including children and babies! Now, get ready to smile for Grandma!

Of course, the play continues. We are, of course, the descendants of the survivors of the narrowest bottleneck of the cruelest extinction ever. So it’s all good! And the play ends with a reprise, of sorts: instead of “100% chance of rain”, we get “100% chance of love”!

Isn’t that sweet?

The serial killer let you go! Praise Him! Praise Him! Love the Lord! (oh, yeah, that’s the title of the last song…)

Related, and well worth reading (they are just that damned good):
This one
This one
Oh, and maybe this one.

Oh, and, not mine, but you’ll want to read this one. Seriously. Both pages. Trust me.