Last night Dan Savage got the following question at an event at Cornell:
Cornell professor Ritch Savin-Williams said in the New York Times that he’s concerned that it’s not about gay youth, but about gender-atypical kids. Is the “It Gets Better” campaign too narrowly focused?
Dan’s response is spot on:
The kids who suffer the most from anti-gay bullying—the prime targets—are the gender-nonconforming kids, i.e. the sissies and the tomboys, the kids who can’t pass for straight. And some of the kids who can’t pass for straight are straight. Most kids who are gender nonconforming, or gender atypical, are lesbian, gay, bi, or trans, and the IGBP was created to reach out to these queer kids. But the messages at the IGBP are relevant to straight gender-atypical kids, and we know that straight-but-gender-nonconforming kids are watching the videos, commenting on them, taking hope from them, and contributing their own videos.
If I could hop in a time machine and go back 10 years, my 13 year old self would probably say something like:
Dear Mr. Savage,
I like boys, and I have a huuuuge crush on one who I think likes me back. But I’m a tomboy and I always have been. I’ve always hated it more than anything else when my mom tries to put me in a dress or skirt or tights. I don’t get makeup even though every girl is wearing it now. I like playing video games and Pokemon cards even though I’m the only girl at the comic shop, while all the other girls just like to argue about which Spice Girl they’d be. My only friend that’s not a boy is also a tomboy – I’ve always been “one of the guys.”
And that’s why everyone thinks I’m a lesbian. I don’t care if people are gay, but the way they say the word hurts so much. They whisper it like I’m dirty or broken. Girls don’t like changing by me in gym class, even though I’m more concerned that my underwear is dorky than what they look like in their underwear. I know it’ll probably stop when I get a boyfriend (if that ever happens, sigh) but that just makes me feel worse, knowing that the kids who really are gay can’t hide like that and have to put up with this forever.
But when I’m feeling down, I can watch the It Gets Better Project videos and know I’m not alone. So this big letter was to say “thank you.”
And what would my 23 year old self say?
Thank you.
Beautiful!
“Now, back to buttfucking!” I believe.
I struggled with this exact thing for a while. Even now as a 25 year old it can come up. I am a happily engaged (only 2 months!) heterosexual male who loves to cook, gets teary eyed at romance movies, and finds sports to be absolutely boring. As a kid I navigated this fairly well, but it wasn’t easy. I had to focus on the “manly” things I did like. I love video games and fantasy novels. I focused on being a geek (which was acceptable in my school). Even now I find conflict. I go golfing with my friends, only because I enjoy their company. I couldn’t give any less of a crap about my actual score. My friends are good people, and they know all this. I truly am lucky to have such understanding friends, yet I still feel that pressure. As if I actually should love golf and monster truck races. But it truly does get better. My soon-to-be wife really loves that I like to cook (’cause she doesn’t). My friends appreciate that I differ from the gender “norm,” because it gives them freedom to voice when they, too, differ from it. Granted the reason I got off so easy is I’m not too terribly different from norm. So I can’t imagine what it’s like for someone who truly is completely different from what is “normal.”Sorry for the rambling.
Another thing that Dan Savage points out in his podcast in response to the criticism is that sadly, LGBTQ kids often don’t have the support of their parents. A geeky kid with no friends (read: me) can go home crying to her mother and get some comfort, whereas a kid who gets teased for being LGBTQ or perceived as a member of that group often has no support at home.
Nice blog yet again Jen, and on a subject close to my heart, whilst not directly affected myself, I have fought most of my life to be the person I want to be, not the person who others insist that I am, but my struggles are eclipsed by Miss Sass Rogando Sasot, a transperson from the Philippines, where discrimination is horrific.Watch Sass’s presentation to the UN, a powerful and emotive speech that brings a tear to my eye every time I watch it: http://youtu.be/JrOc6CIQjtcSass on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/sassrogandosa...I wish I had half the strength of character that she has!
Just be true to yourself, I’m a middle aged man who still gets the odd comment because I just don’t match the macho, sports crazy stereotypical guy image that I’m supposed to fit. I’m 183 cm (6 foot) tall and well built, which adds to the confusion when the last thing that interests me is the sports results. Thankfully I am now working among people who appreciate my culinary skills rather than my footballing skills.
I got lucky in this, back when I was in school, simply because I’m mostly blind. For a lot of folks, that takes you entirely off their sexual radar, as it were. That has its own trouble, but meh. Nobody messed with me, even after it got around school that I went down on a guy, or dancing with guys at dances.Some of my friends weren’t as lucky, though. Things seem to be going better for them now, at least.
Awesome Sauce!As someone who regularly gets pegged (hardee har har) as gay because I’m not super macho, I cook, I know how to dance, and I’m super suportive of LGTB rights and causes–I also find this post and Dan Savage’s work to be beyond excellent. ( I also had a righteous April Fool’s Day Prank on FB where I “came out” to everyone as gay–after explaining that I’d had a deep and long conversation with my wife–and managed to totally get like 40 of my friends..)Luckily, I’m at the stage in life that when people mention that they think I’m gay (or when gay guys come on to me), I take it as a compliment and enjoy such moments. However, I do remember back in high school how impossible it was to even have been thought gay.. when one of the guys on the soccer team I was on was thought gay because he just wasn’t macho enough and how rumor and fear ruled us then..I’m so happy now that we, as a society, are moving beyond this.. and that my stepkids–even though one half of their parents are scary fundies–all think that LGBT people are cool/awesome/whothefuckcares and think that their one set of fundie parents are just dumb for thinking otherwise… (and they live in a small town in Wisconsin in a fairly conservative and religious county…)
Right on.
I didn’t actually get much in the way of anti-gay bullying, which wasn’t strange at the time (being almost entirely straight – and thinking entirely at the time – and having enough other bullying to be getting on with), but looking back it kinda is. Okay, I apparently have a very masculine facial shape, maybe that helps, but I never wanted to get involved in most of the ‘boys’ activities, and got on better with the girls, etc etc etc. I’m sure it’s not that such bullying is rare on this side of the pond, because I hear about it. Okay, it’s probably worse in a lot of the US, but…I also used to have a go at other kids for casual use of ‘gay’ as a general pejorative, but that wasn’t as common as it seems now. It always made me uncomfortable.More to the point here, though, that’s a wonderful, emotive, thought-provoking piece, Jen. Brilliant.
If it were possible I’d have my 13 year old self give your 13 year old self and say “Yes, it does get better.”
Man, my 10-year-old self gave up on staying away from the girly stuff she hated because of the social pressure. My 13-year-old self was back to being more-or-less a tomboy, because it was “okay” again in junior high. And then I flip-flopped back and forth for a while to fit in/be myself. It wasn’t until a bit into college that I decided that the makeup bin could go fuck itself and I wouldn’t ever buy another pair of heels.I can’t imagine how much harder it would’ve been to decide to stay myself if people had known I was bi in elementary school. As it was, I think the “geek” label kept them from digging for more pejoratives than the ones that came easily.
My 13-year-old self figured out one day that I had more friends than the “popular” girls did. After that I felt a little better about being atypical (fat, buck teeth, smart, artistic, poor, you name it – I had that strike against me).The brats that were born “right” felt they deserved what they got and they made sure the rest of us knew we were faulty. The girl who made my life a living hell from first through fifth grades tried to friend me on Facebook. HAHAHAHAHAHAWho’s rejecting whom NOW, bitch?*sigh* Okay so I’m not vindictive. I just don’t friend people I’m not actually friends with!
Thanks for posting this. As a non gender conforming but not gay man, this has been an issue most of my life. Only in the last few years have I been able to accept that I am different than most men. I confuse everyone, even some gay men. It doesn’t bother me a bit when someone who is supportive of GLBT people mistakes me for gay, but it irks me when a homophobe does.I wish that someone had told at 13 years old that it was acceptable to not try to conform to the male gender identity but to simply be myself. It took me until twice that age to get to that point.
Awesome. That is all.
Rubbs, 25 years ago I could have written just what you have. But from the vantage point of about-to-turn-50, let me assure YOU: It Gets Better.Two things are going to happen as you move into your thirties and beyond. One, your physiognomy is just going to change. Men tend to present more androgynously when they’re young but once you get up towards middle age your body will probably become more stereotypically male.Two, you’re going to stop giving a hoot what anyone else thinks. “I’m too old to listen to this horseshit” will become your daily affirmation.
Just a hunch, but speaking as a man-who-likes-to-cook, I think that’s one case where the man-who-likes-to-cook gets a better response from society than the woman-who-couldn’t-care-less-about-cooking.My impression here in the UK, though, is that there’s a similar assymetry in that women-wh0-like-sports get a better response than men-who-find-sports-largely-pointless.Just my impressions/observations, anyway.
I absolutely love the It Gets Better Project. I can kind of relate to what you’ve written here. I wasn’t really a tomboy exactly, but I was definitely different, very quiet and bookish. The It Gets Better Project also makes me think of what it was like in school back then, and how happy I am now to know that there are other people like me in the world.
Thanks Jen – for the lump in my throat after reading your post. And of course Dan is just a complete hero for what he’s done.
I have always felt gender neutral or in between genders. I like video games, hiking, baking, science and clothes, but I hate make-up, Twilight and find sports boring. It doesn’t help that most people think Hyposexuality is a disorder espically when your 18. It use to not matter back when I was fat, but sense I lost must of the weight, I suddenly became a sexual being. Talk about culture shock!People accused me of being gay because I didn’t date anyone which apparantly means your gay. I have gotten crap for not acting like a ‘girl’. But my loved ones understand
I like the “non-gender conforming” idea… but sometimes even trying to “gender conform” doesn’t help. I’ve loved sports as long as I can remember. Didn’t matter to the bullies… they just assumed I was gay because I was awkward and couldn’t play sports. And i like the wrong kind of music and read the wrong kind of books. etc etc etc
Been there! I was accused of being a lesbian in high school due to my lack of sexuality in general… it didn’t help when I “accidentally” dated a gay guy for 8 months. Everyone assumed that we were each other’s “covers”. Chirstian high school, go figure.