Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties respond to the 2021 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

From the Editor:  Every year we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to the 2021 State of the Village Address.  This year the Roger Claar Party, the Toter Liberation Party, the Independant [sic] Party, the Skepchick Party, and the Bolingbrook Worker’s Party accepted our invitation.  Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United unfortunately declined our invitation.

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportThe Roger Claar Party
Only Roger can save Bolingbrook

Note: The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with former Mayor Roger Claar.

Mayor Mary, we too have a story to tell about 2020 in Bolingbrook.  It starts with the greatest mayor in history, Roger Claar, and the greatest village of all time, Bolingbrook.  When a pestilence depends upon our great community, the Me First Roger Second Party sees their chance to seize power.  They form an alliance with the Anti-Roger and give Roger an ultimatum: Resign, or be annexed by Cook County!  Roger, realizing that he has been betrayed, resigns.  The Anti-Roger unleashes Mayor Mary, and Bolingbrook enters the dark ages.

Roger is gone, but we can bring him back and end this dark age.  Do not be fooled by the Me First Party, the Independent of Roger Party, or the United Against Roger Party.  Only one party can bring Roger back and save Bolingbrook.  The same party that has remained loyal to Roger for over thirty years.  Yes, he’s sued us, threatened us with arrest, and thrown us off the ballot every time we’ve run, but we love him.  That will never change.

This is Bolingbrook’s last, best chance to bring back Roger from his exile in California.  On April 6, vote for the Roger Claar Party, the only party that’s proud to name ourselves after Bolingbrook’s greatest mayor.  If the residents reject us, we will disband, and this dark age will last for centuries.  Make the right choice, Bolingbrook!

The Toter Liberation Party
No Garbage Tax without garbage toters!

Bolingbrook is losing the Suburban Garbage Toter Race!  We are one of the last suburbs without garbage toters!  Our recycling toters are too small, and the lids are a joke.  Garbage pick up day in Bolingbrook might as well be called litter day.  Enough!

Residents shouldn’t suffer from former Mayor Roger Claar’s toter-phobia!  Each resident should have a toter, just like every home should have a garage.  Once you have a toter, you should be able to put it wherever you want it on your own property!  No homeowners association, police officer, or politician should take that right away from you. 

Bolingbrook United wants you to have the “option” of renting a toter.  Sheldon Watts of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party was against toters before he was for toters!  The First Party for Bolingbrook wants to bury this in committee forever.  Nonsense!

We’re one of the last communities without full toter service.  Groot already offers toter service to the other communities they serve.  All we have to do is ask for the same deal our neighbors are getting!

Bolingbrook residents like freedom, and we do too!  We should have the freedom to be free of flying garbage, and the freedom to own toters to protect our neighbors and ourselves from garbage!  That’s why every resident will get a free toter if we’re elected.  Only people who hate freedom refuse free toters!

The Bolingbrook Independant [sic] Party
Be a politician!  Get Free Stuff!

Roger’s allies attacked her!  Watchdogs tried to scare her.  They thought she would run away.  They were wrong!  Bonnie Kurowski is back and so are we! 

Roger may be gone, but Rogerism lives on though the Citizens For Bolingbrook PAC, and his mindless servants in the First Party for Bolingbrook!  Bolingbrook Independent Voices is just Rogerism without Roger!  Sheldon, we don’t need another Roger!

We need Bonnie!  If elected, our first act will be to confirm that she is a resident of Bolingbrook, no matter where she lives.  Her foes call her dishonest, but we consider her the uncontested truth teller of Bolingbrook. Her vision is our vision, and her path is the path of real freedom and real democracy in Bolingbrook!

Young people: Consider running for office under our slate!  If you win, you’ll get lots of free stuff!  Like pensions!  Donations to your very own campaign fund.  Health Insurance!   Government funding of a non-profit organization of your choice.  Wait!  There’s more!  Find out how you can serve Bolingbrook, and how Bolingbrook can serve you!  Give us a call, and your vote!

Remember:  You’re either with us or against us.  If you’re against us, that means you’re with Roger.  If you’re with Roger, that makes you EVIL!

The Skepchick Party
An awesome village deserves and awesome party!

Note:  The Skepchick Party is not affiliated with the Skepchick network.

It’s great that Bolingbrook’s official parties are offering residents the chance to elect either a woman or an African American man as mayor.  But if you want to send an awesome slate of women to the Village Board, you should vote for the Skepchick Party.

Our platform is simple and awesome!

  • Manufacture our own COVID-19 vaccine.
  • Jail vaccine deniers and anti-maskers.
  • No more subsidizing religious organizations with village funds.  Water is awesome.  Heart Haven Outreach is not
  • Convert the Bolingbrook Golf Club into a natural science museum.  It will still reduce flooding in Bolingbrook, and educate our residents.
  • There are more important things in life than garbage toters.

We live in an awesome village.  Isn’t it time to elect a slate that’s awesome too?

The Bolingbrook Workers’ Party
It’s your money, and you should have it now!

Workers of Bolingbrook:

It’s been a tough year.  Many of you have been furloughed or laid off.  Many feel lucky just to have a job.

While you’re struggling, Weathertech CEO David MacNeil has climbed to a net worth of $1 billion.  Think about it.  Is he personally manufacturing overpriced plastic products?  No.  His workers are.  They’re the ones making the products people want to buy.  He stole $909,090 from every Weathertech worker.  Is that fair?  Does he have the freedom to steal from Bolingbrook residents?

Theft is theft!  It’s time the village board stopped helping Weathertech and Ulta rob its workers and started dealing out justice for the workers of Bolingbrook!

Some of you might say, “Wait.  That’s communism!  Isn’t communism bad?”

Yes it is bad.  Communists promised to help the workers, but their temporary “dictatorship of the proletariat” became a dictatorship of the Communist Party.  They never cared about the workers.  We do.

We’re going to skip the whole dictatorship part and jump directly to the giving the means of production back to the workers.  Under our leadership, the government will serve the real owners of Bolingbrook’s businesses.  CEO’s who try to steal your money will be arrested.  Managers who try to boss you around will be jailed.  

The best part?  We’ll get rid of all taxes.  We’ll just ask for a small village maintenance fee. It will be much lower than what you currently pay in property taxes, sale taxes, restaurant taxes, and garbage fees combined.  Plus, you’ll make a lot more money.  And you can still vote for any party you want!

We hope you’ll vote for the party that wants you to be your own employer, and not the parties that represent the people stealing your money.

Workers of Bolingbrook unite!  You have nothing to lose, except your bosses!

Also in the Babbler:

Werecoyotees clash with Palatine Police
DuPage Township Trustee candidate’s husband denies doing dental work on Bigfoot
Trustee Watts skips debate to partake in the Ball of Fire Illuminati ritual
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/16/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

“Is the worst yet to come?” A look back at a year of COVID (Non-fiction)

On March 11, 2020, The World Health Organization officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic.  The same day, Dr. Fauci testified at a Congressional Hearing and was asked if the worst was yet to come.

 

He was right.  Over 500,000 died in the US, and that’s probably an undercount.  That’s still more than the number of US fatalities from WW II, Korea, and Vietnam combined.

The virus wasn’t the only terrible thing from the past year.  Anti-science beliefs that once seemed confined to the fringes moved into mainstream politics.  I still haven’t figured out the whole “The virus is a hoax and isn’t real, but it was made in a Chinese laboratory, so, therefore, we must be at all people of Asian descent, even if they have no ties to China.” The Republican Party discarded the facade of being responsible, patriotic defenders of life.  They revealed themselves as dangerous overgrown preteen fans of Donald Trump, willing to endanger others to satisfy their selfish desires and throw insurrection tantrums if they didn’t get their way.  One of my characters, Charlene Spencer, bragged about importing a book called Democracy is Dumb.  That could just as easily be the motto of the Republican party.  Some churches were willing to endanger their communities to make money, and the Supreme Court was willing to go along with it.

There was some good.  There were also many protests against police brutality and racism.  The vast majority were peaceful.  What violence did occur was mostly initiated by governments, vigilantes, or infiltrators.  Despite the distraction of the “defund the police” slogan, Black Lives Matter’s support improved among white Americans, and more whites were willing to learn about racism.

I was fortunate over the last year.  To the best of my knowledge, I never had COVID, I was able to work remotely, and I lived in an area where I could practice social distancing.  I wasn’t, however, untouched.  I lost a family member to COVID, and I know people who were infected, including long haulers.

Looking forward, I hope the American Recovery Act and the vaccines move us to a new and hopefully better normal.  I really do hope I can get the vaccine at some point in the new year.

But I also know that while Trump is facing legal issues, Trumpism is still going strong.  With Congress closely divided and voter suppression efforts by the Republicans, the politicians inspired by Trump could make come back.

So, I have hope that things will get better, but the worst could still be yet to come.  If we let it.

Bolingbrook police defuse gender reveal hydrogen bomb (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Bolingbrook police, in cooperation with a federal Nuclear Emergency Search Team, defused a hydrogen bomb intended for a gender reveal party. 

“The suspect said he wanted to reveal his baby’s gender with a bang,” said Bolingbrook police officer Smith, who asked that we not use his/her real name.  “The problem is that bang could have killed thousands of people.  It could have been the deadliest gender reveal incident in history.  I urge all expecting parents to use common sense.  Send out a card, and keep in mind that your baby’s gender may not match their sexual organs.  Be humble.  Don’t be vandals!”

According to sources within Village Hall, a NEST leader contacted Police Chief Mike Roma and informed him that there was a nuclear bomb in Bolingbrook.  When pressed, the official said the team had no idea when it was set to go off, or who planted it.

Roma informed Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta about the bomb.  According to many sources, her first act was to call former Mayor Roger Claar.  Sources agree she left the following voicemail:

Hi Roger, it’s me again.  You told me to call you if I ever there was a major emergency.  Well, we have one now, but don’t worry.  Those terrorists will have to step over my dead body before they can blow up Bolingbrook.  I’ve got this.  Oh, and thanks for the second $20,000 check.  The opposition (Mayoral candidates Jackie Traynere and Sheldon Watts) are putting up quite a fight this time around, but thanks to your donation, we’re going to throw an awesome victory party.

Alexander-Basta then called Watts and told him to wait in the Bridal Suite at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  According to sources, she told Watts that the other trustees were going to meet there for a special meeting.

“You just want to use Roger’s luxurious office for the meeting,” said Watts.

“You mean my luxurious office.”

“Soon to be my luxurious office.”

Alexander-Basta then moved to an undisclosed location and started a zoom meeting with the remaining trustees.  After briefing the trustees, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz asked if Bolingbrook should be evacuated.  Alexander-Basta replied that it would take hours to evacuate suburban Chicago.

“The damage to our economy would be far greater than the loss of human life,” said Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  “But if we need to evacuate, I’m more than happy to create an evacuation website.”

“How can you think about websites and the economy at a time like this?” asked Jaskiewicz.

Trustee Maria Zarate replied: “You can evacuate Bolingbrook, Bob, and never come back.”

An hour later, NEST located the bomb inside a hanger at Clow Airport and informed Alexander-Basta.  She dispatched several officers to surround the hanger.  The officers arrived minutes later.

The man who was renting the hanger peacefully surrendered, and unlocked the door.  NEST members rushed into the hanger.  Moments later, one of them shouted, “It’s a Tsar Bomba!”

“That can’t be an Obama bomb,” said the man.  “I asked my Russian friend for the biggest Bomb in Russia, and this is what he shipped me.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler wheeled in a UV lamp and announced that he was taking over the scene.  

“I know how to disarm an atomic bomb,” said Lawler.  “I read the instructions in a novel.  All I have to do is shine this UV light on the circuit board, and the detonation commands will be erased!  This is yet another benefit of our Restaurant Grant Program!”

Despite the protests from the NEST members, Lawler irradiated the circuit board.  This was followed by several clicking sounds from the bomb.  

“What happened?” asked Lawler.

A NEST member replied: “The computer was actively preventing the arming sequence.  By destroying the computer, you just started the arming sequence!”

“But I don’t see a digital timer counting down.”

“That’s only in the movies.  Only the person who built the bomb knows how long we have.  You may have just destroyed the greater Chicago metropolitan area!”

“Oops.”

Fortunately, a NEST member discovered that the panels covering the nuclear fuel were not booby-trapped. The team was able to remove the fuel, but they could not disarm the conventional explosives inside the triggering device.  When Lawler suggested letting the bomb explode, the team explained that the bomb was still powerful enough to destroy Clow Airport, and the surrounding businesses and neighborhoods.

“Roger would be mad if I let that happened,” said Lawler.

Officer Smith then volunteered to deliver the bomb to the Elmhurst Chicago Stone Company Quarry.  Smith raced down Washington Street and Royce Road, crashed through the gates, and rolled out of the truck before it fell into the quarry.  Moments later, a pink mushroom cloud rose from the quarry.

Smith added: “After everything the Bolingbrook police department did to save Bolingbrook, the least Mayor Mary could do is sign our labor contract.”

Alexander-Basta and Lawler could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for Sheldon’s Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party said: “God bless the Bolingbrook Police Department.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Great work, Charlene.  I still can’t believe you managed to spin a flyer accusing my candidates of racism and extremism as a racist and extremist attack against me.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “It was nothing.  I just asked myself what would  8kun do, and did it.  Then I wrote an inflammatory article for the Edgar County Watchdogs with the images cropped out of context.  I couldn’t have done it without their help.”

“I will thank them for you.”

“I do have a question, though.  Are you worried that some of your slate members might turn against you later on?  They do give off an Alt-Right vibe sometimes.”

“No, because I am a CPA.  That makes me special.”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghost of Dr. Seuss: They do not have to publish my books in a house or with a mouse
Illuminati to debut the Sinema dance at the Bolingbrook State of the Village address
Supercomputer explodes trying to figure out Illinois’s COVID vaccine rules
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/12/21

Wereskunks divided over Bolingbrook’s Mayoral race (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportAs the April 6 Consolidated Election approaches, Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are now fractured between supporters of the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.

Liz, the Priestess of Paper, announced the split in a press release. She declared her loyalty to mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts, who is currently a Village Board Trustee:

“We cannot ignore the words of the Easter Skunk! —and Archangel Leroy Brown.  Sheldon is (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) true successor.  (Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) is a pawn of the Devil Dogs who now control the First Party.  The heads of the Bolingbrook Family refuse to accept this enlightened truth.  So we have left the family to form our own family.  A family that will remain faithful to the Easter Skunk.  Let it be known that we have broken our bond with Mayor Mary by spraying each other as punishment for our sins, and bathed in Sheldon’s garbage so we may be born again!”

Blug, the Priest of Scraps, accused wereskunk supporters of Watts to be “heretics.”:

“We promised Roger that we would swear allegiance to Mayor Mary as we swore allegiance to him.  The Easter Skunk just told me that we must honor that oath because only Mayor Mary will protect our free access to garbage.  She will sentence supporters of toters to spend the rest of their lives in the Eighth Terrace of Purgatory: The Ad Hoc Committee!”

Paula, who asked that we not use her real name, witnessed two weredeer fighting on the campaign trail:

“When I looked outside, I saw two monster skunks clawing each other, and campaign literature littering my backyard.  A monster squirrel jumped over my fence and tossed both creatures away.  She noticed me and said this fight shouldn’t discourage me from voting in the election.  Oh, I’m going to vote in the next election.  I’m voting for Bolingbrook United!”

A member of BIV, who asked not to be identified, said that the campaign now has “unusual volunteers who like to hang out by the dumpster before canvassing.”  The member would not elaborate further.

A volunteer for the First Party claims she’s worked with “unusual” volunteers as well:

“They always insist on taking the garbage out, but it never ends up in the dumpster.  If someone comes in wearing perfume or cologne, they start gagging and run away.  They also use the word ‘stink’ a lot.  I went canvassing with one of them, and he rewrote the script to make Sheldon sound really evil.  I reminded him to stay positive, and he said he positively hated Sheldon.  I said that just because Sheldon exchanged Roger’s love for Willie Wilson’s love—I don’t know—that doesn’t mean we have to hate him.  That didn’t change his mind. So I reported him to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano), but Michael told me not to think negative thoughts.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for BIV called to deny the story:

“We are a diverse party that represents the diversity of Bolingbrook, but that diversity does not include fake monsters!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Sheldon, you have to help!  One minute she’s posting on Facebook as herself, then she went all Bonnie on us.”

A woman made a growling noise and said: “Bring Bonnie to me so she can suck my guns before my hellhounds Hitler, Pinochet, and Franco devour her mortal shell.  Lyn and Deb will be happy.”

“Why are you referring to one of your sock puppets as a real person?” asked a man who sounded like Watts.  “For that matter, why are you referring to yourself in third person?  You do know you who you really are, right?”

“Yes!  My name is Legion, for we are many.”

“Oh no!” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “I must use the holy power of Jesus to cast Legion off the face of the Earth!”

“Hey!” said covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.  “That was an awesome TV movie.  Rick Springfield was robbed of an Emmy.”

“Charlene, I need your help.  You’re the only person who could possibly get me 2000 pigs!”

“Sheldon.  You don’t really think she’s possessed by Legion, do you?  Can’t you see she’s obviously suffering from a case of Sock Puppet Psychosis?”

“I’ve never heard of that,” said the man who sounded like Watts.

Spencer replied: “It sometimes happens if you have too many sock puppet accounts, and you forget which account is really you and which are the fake personalities.  Just keep her offline for a few days and she’ll sort it out.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors revive frozen Snow Command Driver
Editorial: Presidents are not dictators
Will County Republicans deny plans to build giant Odal rune
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: Bolingbrook United 2021 – United for a better future and a better community (Mixed)

On April 6, voters in Bolingbrook will select a new mayor, a new clerk, and three trustees.  We asked the three local parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, to submit guest opinions to published on the eve of early voting Only Bolingbrook United accepted our invitation.  

All views expressed in these guest opinions are those of the political parties and do not necessarily reflect the view of the Babbler editorial board.

Founded in 2016 on a quiet residential street by a group of residents who were tired of the status quo and seeing only those who were well connected or campaign donors having their concerns addressed, Bolingbrook United has been a grassroots movement from the beginning.  With the aim of providing a voice for all residents and addressing long-neglected concerns of the community, our village board candidates for 2021 have a diverse and experienced background from which they draw and can provide leadership within the community.

Jackie Traynere:  Candidate for Mayor

Jackie is a long-time resident of Bolingbrook, has served the community as a County Board member since 2008, and is the chair of the DuPage Township Democrats organization.  Jackie has been a small business owner and was employed for 22 years as a union organizer.  She volunteers in countless ways within the community and is a Rotarian.  You can read more about Jackie’s background at:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/jackie/

Elnalyn Costa:  Candidate for Village Clerk

“El”, as she’s better known to her friends, is a 14 year Filipino-American resident of Bolingbrook.  El is the Fund Administrator of the SEIU Healthcare Illinois Benefit Funds in Chicago where she leads a team that serves 20,000 frontline healthcare and child care workers.  El serves her community in many ways including as a DuPage Township Precinct Captain and as the treasurer for the Illinois Democratic Women of Will County.  Learn more about El at:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/elnalyn/

Melisa Quinones:  Candidate for Village Trustee

Melisa is a local attorney, parent of a special needs child, and grew up in Puerto Rico.  When Hurricane Maria devastated the island Melisa moved her family to Bolingbrook to be near her sister and start a new life.  Since becoming a resident Melisa has become very involved in the local community by serving on the Crime Stoppers board, becoming and serving as a certified mediator and Guardian ad Litem for the court system, and volunteering for the local “Lawyers in the Library” program.  View more about Melisa’s qualifications here:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/melisa/

Jose Quintero:  Candidate for Village Trustee

An active member of St. Dominic’s Church in Bolingbrook since 2004, Jose originally immigrated to the US from Durango, Mexico when he was five.  His background is in many ways indicative of the “American Dream” as he studied at College of DuPage and later graduated from Florida Atlantic University, now working as the VP of Operations and Business Development for the Windson Hospitality Group.  Jose is also a Rotarian and an active member of the Chamber of Commerce.  Learn more about Jose here:  https://bolingbrookunited.com/jose/

Rondel Parker:  Candidate for Village Trustee

Rondel is a fiscally conservative, independent, and non-partisan candidate who is a graduate of Illinois State University and a public servant.  An avid health enthusiast, Rondel loves to run with the Bolingbrook Fun Run Club and help others stay fit in the gym.  The parent of 5 children, including 3 who are members of the US Airforce, Rondel learned early on the value of community from his grandparents as he volunteered to feed the needy.  Learn more about Rondel here:   https://bolingbrookunited.com/rondel/

Bolingbrook United 2021 Platform:

While it is impossible to address all concerns that the Village currently faces or will face over the next four years, the candidates have a clear focus on the following issues:

I. TRANSPARENCY

Bolingbrook United will work to make sure local government is open and accountable. It’s time to give power and information back to the people. We will put a stop to backroom deals that benefit only a few connected players, end no-bid contracts, and responsibly manage our village vendors and finances. It’s your money – you deserve a say in how it’s spent.

 Village meetings and engaging with residents on key issues

Everyone should have equal access to the work of their government. We will give residents a voice at Village Meetings with fewer restrictions, and open channels of communication for residents who can’t attend to make sure all can share their input. Before key financial decisions are made, like taking on more village debt or bidding on contracts, residents will have a real chance to weigh-in.

 End Conflicts of Interest

Bolingbrook officials have a long history of playing favorites and accepting campaign donations from those who do business with the village. We will enact new ethics restrictions and make sure our vendors are doing what is best for our residents, not politicians.

 Modernize Village Hall and how we interface with residents

We will work with Village staff to upgrade the use of technology and improve the ways residents get and share information, apply for permits, and put in requests.

II. A BETTER DEAL

Bolingbrook United will help us rebuild from COVID-19 even stronger than before. We will work to fill empty storefronts and strengthen our local economy. We will also root out corruption and find savings in our budget so that we can lower property taxes and fees while delivering better, more affordable village services like clean water and the option for garbage containers.

 Redevelop Bolingbrook Commons

The entryway to Bolingbrook from the Route 53/I-55 Corridor is an eyesore. We will work with the owners of the empty, deteriorating space where Century Tile was to redevelop a welcoming entry to our village that is an attractive, productive, and tax-producing area. This would include redeveloping the Corridor and Amazon development.

 Review the profitability of all Village-owned facilities and take action

Take a deep review of all Village-owned facilities to determine what changes are needed to make each property more accessible to the public, more profitable for the village, and less impactful on our long-term debt.

 Promote Economic Development & Business Opportunities

Establish a committee of local business leaders and Village staff to focus on economic development and repurposing of vacant commercial space. We will focus on working with local businesses to identify solutions for attracting new businesses and keeping businesses open and successful.

 Enhance Village services like Water & Garbage

The cost of clean water and garbage services remains a hardship for many Bolingbrook residents. We will review the current contracts and explore other avenues to deliver affordable services.

II. INCLUSION

Bolingbrook United takes pride in the diversity of our community as we work towards changes that provide more inclusive voices at the table. We believe public services should represent all our residents. We will take a closer look at our police and fire departments and collaborate with our school systems and non-profit organizations to support equity and bring people together.

 Community Engagement

Develop Village forums and programming that listens and attends to the needs of all residents, working families, our children, our seniors, and our ethnic communities represented in Bolingbrook.

 Safety as a priority

Crime prevention in all corners of our community is critical for everyone’s safety. We support the systematic use of partnerships and problem-solving techniques to proactively address the way our police engage with our citizens.

 Education and Training

We will partner with our school systems and community organizations to encourage our youth to deepen their learning about social justice, and to provide job training and development programs to our adult residents to promote job security and economic justice.

DuPage Township candidates clash at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportBy Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base survived the first debate between the Democratic and Republican slates for DuPage Township.  The debate, the first since Clow reopened, occurred in front of a standing-room-only audience of aliens and staff.

“No one inside Clow has COVID,” said Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, the administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “So I want a good clean debate.  No hidden weapons.  No making fun of your opponents’ pets, and no mentions of Trump.  Are you ready?  Are you ready?  Let’s get it on!  I’ve always wanted to say that.”

Current DuPage Township Trustee, and candidate for Township Supervisor, Alyssia Benford, delivered the Republican’s opening statement.  She talked about her years serving on the board, and her membership in the Illuminati:

“I am a CPA, a doctoral candidate, and, most importantly, an honored Knight of Chaos.  I am so dedicated to spreading chaos in DuPage Township that (Former Mayor Roger Claar) didn’t make a single donation to my campaign last quarter.  I will never stop fighting for a chaotic township.  I will never use the title Ph.D. A.B.D., and I will always be a CPA.”

Democratic Township Supervisor candidate Gary Marschke mentioned his membership in the New World Order and his volunteer work for Humanoid Corrective Learning. HCL is a charity that serves “at-risk” alien youth residing at Clow UFO Base.  His speech mostly focused on his slate’s platform:

“We want more services for seniors, regardless of party affiliation.  We will maintain the Township’s award-winning services for our interstellar visitors.  We’ll expand the food bank, and we promise not to run up the township’s legal bills over frivolous matters!  Oh, and I know how to properly file taxes! I look forward to properly managing the township’s tax revenue.”

Acting DuPage Township Supervisor Felix George ran onto the stage and demanded to be included.  The moderator told him that the debate was only open to candidates on the ballot, not write-in candidates.  

“The township is on the right track, thanks to me!” yelled George as he was dragged off stage.  

“No it’s not!” countered Benford.  “I know because I’m a CPA. If the township is on the right track, why are so many people running against you?”

“Wow,” said Marschke.  “I actually agree with my opponent for once.”

After the moderator asked the first question, members of the Watchdogs of Clow UFO Base stood up and tried to shout down the Democratic candidates:

“This slate is not approved by the Edgar County Watchdogs.  All of you must resign!”

“You know,” said Democratic Trustee candidate Terri Ransom, “Anyone in the universe can comment about this race, but it is the residents of DuPage Township that make the decision.  Right now you’re preventing the voters from hearing us!”

An alien held up a Torah ark and yelled: “May the light of the sacred Illinois Code burn you!”  He opened the door, revealing only a law book.  The alien was then escorted out of the debate.

Another group from the Clow chapter of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook demanded that they be allowed to ask Benford a question.  Benford agreed.  

The member asked: “Since you were censored by the township board—”

“I was not censored!” replied Benford.  “I was censured!  Big difference.  You are not with Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook!”

“Yes we are,” the member replied.  “Your followers may have forced Bonnie to change the name to The Bolingbrook Reporter, but we retained the rights to inside Clow UFO Base!”

“Whatever.  As a CPA, I must still say that you’re wrong.  Besides, she is a resident of Florida, not Bolingbrook!  She’s so delusional that she can’t tell the difference!”

“Not true!  She is a resident of the Little Bolingbrook neighborhood. It’s an extension of the Village of Bolingbrook within the state of Florida.  Therefore, she is a resident of both!”

Benford dropped her jaw for a moment.  She replied: “We’ll see what the courts say after I finish suing the township for censuring me!  They obviously confused me with Adam Kinzinger.  As a CPA, I am not confused and I know there is nothing in the Township Code that allows a board to censure!”

Marschke countered: “There’s nothing in the code that forbids it either, and censure is mentioned in Robert’s Rules of Order!  You’re going to sue because the board voted to harshly criticize you?”

Republican Township Clerk candidate Deborah Williams said:  “Excuse me.  A constituent has an important comment to make.”  

She reached down and pulled up a ventriloquist figure.  Though the figure, she said:  “All democrats are corrupt liars who should be censored and shot on sight.”

Williams replied: “Lyn, will you stop being silly?  Just because Democrats are corrupt liars does not mean we should shoot them before they’re elected.  That’s why I’m a moderate and anyone who says otherwise is a liar!”

“Can you imagine four years of this?” asked Township Trustee Democratic candidate Debi Savage.

Republican Township Trustee candidate Antonio Timothee replied: “You can’t imagine how hard I’m going to flame you if you don’t stop trying to steal this election from us!”

After the debate, Alexander-Basta told members of the interstellar media that she was happy with how the debate went:  “Nobody rioted and the candidates didn’t try to kill each other.  Three visitors were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.  Apparently, they played a drinking game that required them to drink every time Alyssia mentioned she was a CPA.  If this is the new normal at Clow UFO Base, my job is going to be easy!”

Also in the Babbler:

All three Bolingbrook parties invited to submit guest opinions

Aliens volunteer to dig out snow-covered fire hydrants in Palatine

Psychics say Jeanne Ives doesn’t rule out a 2024 Presidential run 

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/25/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Stop! Darwintine (Non-fiction)

It’s the Darwintine Fundraiser to help Freethought Blogs pay off the legal bills from Richard Carrier’s S.L.A.P.P. case.  Someday it will be a fundraiser to maintain the network, but for now, it is a reminder that free speech isn’t free.

This time we’re featuring the following offerings:

If you are able to, please make a donation.  If you can’t, please consider spreading the word about this fundraiser.  Either way, I hope you enjoy our creations for this event.

‘Snow Command: Bolingbrook’ video series to debut on YouTube (Fiction)

According to anonymous sources in Village Hall, a dramatic series, based on Bolingbrook’s Snow Command, will debut on YouTube next month. 

The synopsis for “Snow Command: Bolingbrook” states: “Alexandra, a young brilliant leader, is assigned to Bolingbrook’s new Snow Command team. Her team of young and diverse snow fighters must work together to fight record snowfalls to keep the greatest village in Illinois operating.  But enemies from Cook County and within the team threaten to divide the team as merciless storms threaten to bury Bolingbrook under feet of snow.  Will Alexandra lead her team to victory or will the united efforts of their selfish foes bring down Bolingbrook?”

According to the sources, the series is being produced by “top California talent,” and funded by the Citizens for Bolingbrook political action committee, run by former Mayor Roger Claar.

A source within CFB confirmed the existence of the series and defended the decision to produce it:  “TV ads are limited in their ability to persuade voters.  A TV series is another matter.  Just research the CSI Effect!  If we can make Bolingbrook’s Snow Command popular, and if viewers confuse the main character with (Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta), she’ll win the consolidated election!”

The Babbler obtained a trailer for the series. It features scenes of snowplows digging out residential homes, and rescuing stranded motorists.  Alexandra makes statements like: “I don’t care if you’re tired.  I don’t care if your family misses you.  If we don’t keep the streets clear, there won’t be a Bolingbrook.”  

In another scene, a woman who resembles Jackie Traynere, Will County Board member, and mayoral candidate, says: “My team uses Cook County salt, and it’s good enough for me.”  

Alexandra replies: “It’s not good enough for Bolingbrook!”

Another scene shows a man yelling at Alexandra about a snowplow destroying his mailbox and blocking his neighbor’s driveway.  She replies: “What’s one mailbox and one driveway compared to the accessibility of Boughton Road?”

In the final scene, an African-American member of the team is in a Zoom chat with a woman from Florida.

Woman:  When their GPS trackers go down, block off Village Hall!

Man:  But Alexandra said we have to keep Village Hall open.

Woman:  Are you going to do what she says, or are you going to be an independent man and do what I tell you to do?

Neither  The First Party for Bolingbrook nor  Bolingbrook United would return requests for comments. 

A person from the Bolingbrook Independent Voices said the party would respond once the series premiered:  

“We hope it honors the brave drivers who keep the streets of our diverse community accessible.”

In the background, Sheldon Watts walked up to covert social media operative Charline Spencer and said: “Charlene, did you create sock puppet trolls for Alyssia Benford’s slate?”

“Not now, Sheldon.  I’m auditioning a new campaign surrogate.  We need reinforcements if we’re going to overtake Jackie.”

“Is that Steve Schmidt?”

“Yep.  Thanks to the collapse of the Lincoln Project, we can get him at a steep discount.  Let me put him on speaker.”

On-screen, a man who looked like Schmidt said: “—of his condescending attitude towards Sheldon.  Roger thinks teenagers don’t require supervision.  If he really believes that then Roger has never raised a teenager.”

“Does he know?” asked Watts.

“Yep,” Spencer replied.

“That means—Oh my!  Sweet Jesus, forgive me for almost taking Your name in vain. Charlene, he can’t say that.  It’s not true.”

“No.  You can’t say that because it’s false.  He can say anything he wants if it helps us win.”

“That’s not right.”

“The man who sounded like Schmidt concluded:  “The party that should be the first to disavow his taint is, in reality, the party that is dependent on his tainted money.”

“Is he reading a script?” asked Watts.

“Let’s find out.   Hey, Steve.  There’s a burning question most Bolingbrook residents have:  Mora or Nancy’s Pizza?  What’s the correct answer?”

“The real burning question is which party is the party of Bolingbrook’s future.  The First Party acts like a ruling party, but it is ruled by a political wing of the insurrectionists, better known as the Republican Party. In Bolingbrook, it is controlled by the treasonous Roger Claar.  That leaves only two parties with serious visions for the future.  Both parties are running serious, quality candidates.  But if you want a party that will continue the centrist policies that made Bolingbrook great without chaining itself to the authoritarian party of Trump — and believes Bolingbrook’s diverse population should be empowered to make decisions, and not treated like props in a Roger Claar commercial—  then your only choice is Bolingbrook Independent Voices.”

“We’ll get back to you Steve,” said Spencer.

“I’ll be waiting,” Schmidt replied.  “Republican campaigns have disowned me, and Democratic—and I said the right word, ‘democratic.’  The Democratic campaigns don’t trust me.  But it was—”

Spencer disconnected.

Watts said: “Oh how the mighty have fallen.”

Also in the Babbler:

It’s not too late to donate to Freethought Blogs’ legal defense fund
Bolingbrook issues snow snake alert
Weredogs celebrate Bolingbrook’s moratorium on puppy sales
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/17/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The Descent of Man: Anywhere is Better Than Here (Fiction)

This is part of “The Descent of Man”, FtB’s Darwintine Festival fiction anthology. If you enjoy being part of our community and appreciate the work we do here at FreethoughtBlogs, please consider making a donation to our legal defense fund.

Anywhere is Better Than Here is part of a work in progress tentatively titled Blood in the Fire.

Iowa City, Iowa 1994

Miriam sat on a wooden bench as the last drunk college students filtered out the Pedestrian Mall.   The soothing sound from the Pissing Sisters, the nickname for the tubular water spouts atop of the fountain in front, failed to comfort her.  Miriam knew it was only a matter of time before a police officer would chase her away, but her body felt too heavy to move. If she could move, she thought, where would she go?

“I didn’t expect to find you here,” said a man.

Startled, Miriam turned and saw Matthew, wearing a black blazer, black jeans, and a white t-shirt with an IndustrialnatioN logo on it.

Miriam turned her attention back to the Pissing Sisters.  “Where should I be?”

“Lots of places.  The House of Chaos–”

“Someone would post about it on ISCA.”

“Hanging out with Tommy Stinson’s new band?”

“Saw them back in 1992.  Gabe’s charged way too much to watch them rehearse, and Tommy didn’t play any Replacements songs.”

“Good point.  But, I still have to wonder–”  Matthew sat on Miriam’s bench and moved closer to her.  “Why here?”

Miriam shifted away from Matthew, keeping her eyes on the fountain.  

Matthew continued.  “After all the effort to slip away from Pete and his associates, you end up here.  Out in the open, with no escape.”

Miriam sighed.  Hours earlier, she’d escaped from Pete and his associates after a pointless argument. After running away to Iowa City years ago, Miriam eventually wound up in his circle.  She knew Matthew was one of his out-of-town partners, but beyond a few polite conversations, and some dances, she didn’t know much about him.

“There is no escaping Iowa City,” said Miriam.  She noticed herself touching her abdomen and quickly moved her hand away.  “So I might as well be in my favorite spot, watching the sisters pissing the night away.  So if you’re here to bring me back–”

“I took care of Pete.”

Miriam gasped and faced Matthew.   Matthew brushed back his medium-length blond hair.  

“Took care of him?” asked Miriam, unsure if that was good news.

“Not like that.  But you don’t have to worry about Pete anymore.”

Miriam didn’t know how to respond.  “Thanks, I guess.”  She looked down at herself.  Unless something changes, I’m always going to have to worry about him. The Emma Goldman Clinic isn’t a charity.”

“Family?” asked Matthew.

Miriam turned away and faked a laugh.  “That’s a joke.”  She felt a tear running down her face and brushed it off.  “They threw me away years ago.”

“Threw you away?”

“My dad got angry and tossed me out.  The rest of my family went along.”

“All of them?”

Miriam fought off her tears as she remembered her sister.

Matthew continued, “I can’t imagine–”

“Do you want something?”  snapped Miriam.  

“Want?”

“Yeah.  Do you want anything?  Because I’m not in the mood for small talk.  And I probably don’t have what you want.  So if you want to get high, find a seller.  I’m out of that.  If you’re hard up, there’s a massage parlor near the tracks.”

Matthew chuckled and gestured towards Miriam.

“That’s what I want.” 

“What?”

“Think about it.  Here you are in the Ped Mall, acting like you’re about to be pushed off the edge of the world.”  Matthew jumped backward, performed an aerial summersault, and landed on the upper ledge of the fountain.  Miriam was surprised he didn’t stumble.  Matthew looked down.  “And oblivion is so tempting right now.  No more pain.  No more problems.  Just eternal peace.  All you have to do is stop resisting and jump.”  Matthew jumped up, performed another summersault, and landed inches from Miriam.  “But you won’t jump.  Why?  Because you’re a fighter.  Not one of those muscle-bound fools, but a real fighter.  You fight because you know.  You know death doesn’t offer you peace.  It offers you nothing.  It turns you into a decaying lump of matter.  It turns you into something as common as dirt.  Yeah, life can suck, but you have to know that you’re one of the lucky ones.  You’re alive, and you know that you’re alive, and not only do you know you’re alive, but you can also appreciate that you’re alive, and you can appreciate the world around you.  How many other collections of atoms can say that?  Hmm?  Not many, and on some level, you have to know that.  That’s why you fight.  You fight because this is your only chance to be sentient.  Every feeling is a gift.  Sadness, fear, pain, pride.  All things worth living for.  On some level, you have to know that.  That’s why you fight.  That’s why you’re fighting right now.  You’re standing on the edge, but you’re not going over without a fight.  That, Miriam- That is why I like you.”

“You’re weird,” Miriam replied.

“I have been called many things, my lady.”  Matthew stretched out his arms and bowed slightly.  “‘Weird’ is a title I accept with honor.”  He leaned back and lowered his arms.  “I am weird, and I also offer you an alternative to oblivion.” 

“What?” she asked, expecting something unworthy of his flowery performance.

“I run a family business.”

Miriam tensed up.  “What do you sell?”

“We sell sustenance, but our mission is to change the world, one sale at a time.”

Miriam gave him a skeptical look.

“For better, of course.”  

“Is it legal?”

“Technically.”

“Technically?”

“It’s legal in a court of law, but let’s just say we have powerful competitors.  The laws of men do not constrain them.  That’s where you come in.  We need a scout, and you’ve already demonstrated you’re qualifications.”

“By escaping Pete?”

“Much more than that, Miriam.  I’ve heard so much about you and seen much more than you know.  Joining the family would be perfect for you.”

“You still haven’t told me what your business does.”

Matthew looked around.  “We should discuss this in private.” 

“Let me guess, your place?”

Matthew shook his head then gestured towards the tallest building in Iowa City, a hotel.  “Have you ever been to the top?”

Miriam shook her head.

“Want to go?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes.  I can get us there.  Follow me.”

Matthew started towards the covered alley leading to Dubuque Street.  After a few steps, he looked back at Miriam.  “Unless you don’t want.”

Miriam looked at the fountains then at Matthew.  “No tricks.”

“Not like that.”

Miriam jogged to catch up to Matthew, who stepped into a dim portion of the alley.  She started to talk, but he motioned for her to stop.  

“You remember the last time we danced?” he whispered.

Miriam couldn’t forget their slow dance.  While the others were content with the prom hang, He held her at arm’s length and tried, unsuccessfully, to get her to spin.  She nodded.

“Remember our hug afterward?”

“Yeah,” she replied.  It wasn’t that memorable, but it didn’t seem creepy at the time.

“Let’s hug then.”

Miriam reached out to hug Matthew.  When they embraced, darkness materialized around them like a cloud.  In moments they were surrounded by total darkness.

“I got you,” whispered Matthew as he tightened his embrace.  She felt her feet rise from the ground and sensed that she was accelerating like she was on an elevator.

Miriam thrashed her legs but still couldn’t feel the ground.  “What are you–”.  The shadows dissipated, and Miriam saw that they were floating above the hotel roof.

“Oh my God!” she gasped.

“Not so loud.”

They gently floated down to the roof.  Matthew released his embrace.  Miriam stumbled back, almost tripping over her feet.

“How–How did you do that?”

“Magic,” said Matthew.  He opened his mouth as he protracted two fangs.

Miriam staggered back at first.  

Matthew retracted his fangs.  ‘Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes, I am what you think I am.”  Matthew pointed.  “If this frightens you, the door is behind you. If you leave, know that you will never see me again.”

Matthew turned his back to Miriam and strolled to the edge of the roof.  Miriam watched him for a few moments as he looked out into the night sky.  Cautiously, she approached Matthew.  She noticed how his hair flowed in the occasional breeze and the almost perfect smoothness of his skin.

“What do you see?”

She stopped.  “See?”

Matthew motioned towards the edge of the roof.  “What do you see out there?  Oblivion?”

Miriam hesitantly moved closer as she felt her fear of heights grip her.  She felt chills as she neared the edge.

“You won’t fall.”  He offered his hand.  She grasped his hand, now noticing that her hand was slightly warmer than his.  Miriam took a deep breath and crept closer to the edge.  She looked down and instinctively tightened her grip.

“I’ve got you,” Matthew replied.  “You’re safe.”

Miriam caught her breath, but she still kept a tight grip on Matthew’s hand.  She looked out at the Iowa City skyline.  In the distance, Miriam saw the Old Capitol complex and the Van Allen Physics building.  She loosened her grip slightly.

“What do you see?”

She took in more of the view.  Her fear faded.  “I don’t see oblivion.  It’s beautiful.  You know, whenever I felt stuck, I’d look up at this hotel and imagine myself standing right here.  I thought that maybe I could see the way out.”

“And now that you are up here?”

She paused.  “I don’t see it.  I just see a small city in the middle of nowhere.”

“You just have to know where to look.  It’s not a physical path.  It’s the possibilities that you have to look at.”

Miriam turned her head towards Matthew.  “Possibilities?”

“Yes.  You see, centuries ago, the Mongol hordes were on the verge of conquering Europe.  Europe’s armies were no match for the Mongols’ superior horsemen and tactics.  Kingdoms that once seemed invincible crumbled before the invaders.  It seemed like nothing could stop them from obliterating Europe.  Think of it.  Everything about Europe– Art, culture, literature, knowledge– All gone, trampled by the hordes.

“But in the shadows, a small group met in secret.  They were determined to not only defend Europe but also to make sure that no nation, kingdom, or tribe could ever threaten it again.  On what seemed to be the eve of Europe’s destruction, they formed a pact and vowed to do anything, holy or infernal, to ensure Europe’s security.

“Their first efforts were small but successful.  They built on those successes and learned from their failures.  When the pact shattered, their successors continued the work.  Over time, European civilization grew larger and more powerful than the original conspirators dreamed possible.  Because of their efforts, we are now standing on top of a building and looking out at a city built in the middle of nowhere.  A city that came about because of decisions made centuries ago.”

Matthew faced Miriam.  “Join me, and I’ll offer you a new life.  Free yourself of your burdens. Free yourself of this place.  Accept my offer of rebirth and I will help you discover your possibilities.”

Miriam looked out at the Iowa City skyline again.  She smiled as she looked past the lights of Iowa City and into the darkness.  “Tell me more.”