The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965) (Fiction)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard helped to persuade the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati to create Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, but he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he got any sleep.

Update 2021: This interview occurred right after residents voted to approve the creation of Bolingbrook in 1965. John Olson, the Babbler’s first publisher, strongly opposed the incorporation of Bolingbrook at first. His attitude is quite apparent in this first interview. The Babbler published the interview in its first issue, which was distributed to the residents moments after the village board formally signed the incorporation papers.

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!
Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

John Olson: I have a question for the so-called president of this new village.

Jack Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler. My reporter is handing out sample copies for each of you.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever an oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is the Babbler, anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook, anyway?

Trustee: It comes from Shakespeare–

Leonard: Now you said you had a question. What is it?

Olson: Knowing that on any given night, up to three communist satellites pass over our community, and given that there are Beatniks and other unsavory elements just outside of our newly imposed border, and given that forcing the residents into a collective village is almost the same as collectivism which is practiced by–

Leonard: Do you have a question?

Olson: Are you going to petition Will County to invalidate this election because of interference from Soviet mind-control satellites?

Trustee: Wait a minute! According to this article, God is going to smite Bolingbrook after our first meeting. Why are you working on an issue if God is going to destroy all of us?

Olson: We think enough residents will say the prayer in the article and save Bolingbrook.

Leonard: I think you need to get more fresh air. The mold in your basement is affecting your brain.

Olson: Very funny. I will now ask another question.

Leonard: This should be good.

Olson: When will you tell the truth about Clow?

Leonard: The truth?

Olson: The truth that Bolingbrook is really a cover for the largest urban UFO base in the World!

(Silence)

Olson: And we’re going to keep covering Clow and all the other supernatural events in Bolingbrook!

Leonard: Honey, get the jail ready!

Wife: It’s full!

Leonard: Already?

Wife: People are getting drunk celebrating the new village.

Leonard: Mister, if it were up to me, I would lock you up tonight. But tonight, in the spirit of unity, I’m just going to ask you to leave. Instead of attacking the village, you should be following the example of a young man from out of town. He said that he wanted to be a pioneer, to start a new life in Bolingbrook. I said, “Young man, if you really want to help Bolingbrook, we’ll need leaders. Leaders need PhDs! If you want to go out on your own, go to an out-of-state university first. Take your time. Because Bolingbrook will be waiting for you.” Someday, he will be a great asset for Bolingbrook. You should work to be a great asset to this village right now.

Olson: Oh don’t worry! You may be part of an alien/communist plot, but we will be working together!

Leonard: Why’s that?

Olson: Because I run the only newspaper in Bolingbrook. That means I own the paper of record!

Trustee: What about The Beacon?

Olson: The Beacon? The Beacon is just Joe Kovach’s oversized newsletter and it covers other communities. The Babbler, on the other hand, exclusively covers Bolingbrook, and it looks better than The Beacon! We are the first true tabloid in Bolingbrook. You have to make us the paper of record!

Trustee: He has a point!

Leonard: GET OUT!

Tomorrow: Robert Schanks unleashes the ultimate weapon in the fight to maintain law and order in Bolingbrook!

Our Mayors of Bolingbrook series returns! (Mixed)

From the editor: 

As our webmaster takes a well-earned vacation, we’re going to repost our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s mayors. From Jack Leonard to current Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, and we won’t forget current Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.

We head into 2022, possibly on the verge of a wave of COVID Omicron variant infections. Inflation is rising, though nowhere near the double-digit rates of the 1970s. The 2022 election looks to be yet another most important election of our lives, and, sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.

It’s times like these when we need to remember that Bolingbrook has gone through hard and dangerous times before and survived. That doesn’t guarantee Bolingbrook’s future, but it gives us a reason to be hopeful.

So watch this website, as we look back on Bolingbrook’s great, and not so great, leaders. Some may have left us for the great subdivision in the sky, but the Babbler will not forget them.

Also in the Babbler: 

Santa gets his booster shot in Bolingbrook
Venusian scientists confirm their COVID Vaccine works against Omicron Variant
Martian Colonies to double the number of soldiers in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/21

Former congressman Dan Lipinski triggered a riot at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert nearly ended in a riot after former congressman Dan Lipinski performed an offensive version of “Jingle Bells.” 30 aliens and 20 humans were treated for minor injuries, while one alien and five humans had to be hospitalized after being encased in riot foam. Officials confirmed that the rioters caused minor damage to the stage, but the concert was able to continue. 

Bolingbrook Trustee Michael Carpanzano tried to spin the story during a press conference with the interstellar media:

“While some miscreants want to defund law enforcement, our well-funded security personnel managed to suppress a riot without fatalities or a snowplow. This is why Clow UFO Base is the best UFO Base in the world, and why it must never fall into (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere’s) hands!”

Clow security personnel arrested Lipinski after rescuing him from the rioters.  According to sources, Lipinski insisted he didn’t do anything wrong. He said:

“It was a joke. You should be laughing. Ow! You can’t do that to me! Don’t you know who my dad was? I’m the victim here!”

The chain of events leading up to the riot started when Rep. Bill Foster introduced Rep. Sean Casten as the next performer.  Foster praised Casten’s work, and called him the “hardest rocking congressman ever.”  He added, “We can’t afford to lose any more scientists in Congress. So, if you live in the Sixth District, please vote for Sean, and keep the Sci Bros together!”

Casten performed his “Hot Ferc Summer Suite” followed by “Glasgow Climate Lover’s Delight” based on “Rapper’s Delight.”  When he finished the rap, Rep. Marie Newman, who currently represents the Third District, barged onto the stage.

She said:  “As the residents of the #NewIL06 know, the first rap song was actually ‘Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me),’ and you can only find real Chicago-style pizza at Home Run Inn.”

Casten replied, “Wow! That’s so wrong, no wonder you’re running in the wrong primary.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” said Newman. “You and your fellow Corporate Democrats stole my district and tried to force me to run against (Rep. Jesus Garcia.)”

“Hey,” Casten replied. “Just because I used to be a CEO does not mean I’m a Corporate Democrat. I have very nuanced views about climate change and universal healthcare.”

“Nuance is nonsense,” said Newman. She pulled out a wooden cross with the phrases “Green New Deal” and “Medicare 4 All” carved into it. “Be gone, Corporate Democrat!”

Lipinski then ran out and grabbed a free microphone. He said, “Don’t listen to these two extremists. The Sixth District needs a sensible moderate like me.  I’ll prove how mainstream I am.” Lipinski started shaking two bells, and sang: “Jingle bells/Jingle bells/Jingle all the way/Gay rights/And abortion rights/are gonna go away.”

The riot started moments later.

Several seconds later, Trustee Michael Lawler took the stage and started singing, “I Believe in Father Christmas.” The audience stopped rioting, and security restored order. 

According to sources, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta approached Lawler after his performance.

“Am I in trouble?” he asked.

“Trouble?” she replied. “You saved the concert! I’m proud of you.”

“Wow. You really aren’t (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar.)”

At the press conference, Alexander-Basta promised not to execute Lipinski or any of the rioters. She stated:  “After a rough year and a half, a riot at the annual holiday concert means things are returning to normal. We could all use some of the old normal around here.”

Zolgost, a resident of Barnard’s Star’s Third Planet, said she enjoyed the concert: “My planet is so peaceful that it’s boring. It’s nice to come to Earth to receive the gift of a painful punch. I hope humanity doesn’t go extinct from COVID any time soon.”

Lisa Z. Thomas, an engineer at Clow, enjoyed the concert but was saddened by the riot. “We need both Sean and Marie in Congress. They’re fighting like my parents were when I was a kid.”  She started to cry. “Sorry, that brought back some memories.”

Also in the Babbler:

Former CFI feline fellows celebrate Hanukkah with the Society for Humanistic Judaism
Bonnie threatens to file a lawsuit in Interstellar Court
Sources: David Silverman to convert to Satanism
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

ACLU statement: Kyle Rittenhouse didn’t act alone (Non-fiction)

I agree with the ACLU that law enforcement must be held accountable for their role in Kenosha shootings on 8/25/21:

As our investigation illustrates, approximately 40 local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies responded to the protests in Kenosha, utilizing various forms of force against protestors. This massive show of force failed to keep people safe — and in fact facilitated grave harm by pushing protesters into close proximity with Kyle Rittenhouse and other armed white civilians. The violence that night is a further reminder that well-resourced law enforcement agencies are failing to protect and even harming the communities they are sworn to serve. It’s time to acknowledge this failure and invest in measures that actually keep communities safe.

I know people who have lived or are living in Kenosha. The verdict is disappointing, but not surprising. There should be changes to Wisconsin’s self-defense laws, but due to Gerrymandering, it won’t happen. More likely, we’re going to see more political violence from Rittenhouse fanboys, and possible retaliation by armed progressives. If that happens, we’ll all lose from the resulting political destabelization of US.

I guess this decade will be known as the Raging 20s.

Republican, COVID vaccinated, and afraid: Bolingbrook’s silent conservatives speak out (Fiction)

Note: Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the vaccinated. Experts also confirm that COVID-19 is not a bioweapon and Asian Americans are not responsible for the pandemic. For reliable information about COVID-19 in Illinois, go to https://dph.illinois.gov/covid19.html.

Bolingbrook resident Peter is involved in several community service groups, voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020, and is active in his church. Yet he hides a dark secret: He’s fully vaccinated against COVD-19.

“I thought I was doing my patriotic duty,” said Peter. “China launched a biological attack against us, and our President created a vaccine in record time. I took the shots to own the Commies and the libs.  But my Facebook friends are resisting Trump’s greatest gift to humanity. It’s like conservatives no longer want to conserve human life.”

Peter is one of the majority of Bolingbrook residents who are fully vaccinated. But many vaccinated residents are afraid to speak out due to fear of harassment and violence. 

Julie, a mother and long-time Bolingbrook resident, is frightened by what some of her neighbors are saying: “I know kids can get sick and die from COVID. That’s why I’m vaccinated, and why I just vaccinated my kids. But there are parents who value politics over biology. They want to empower bullies to shame my kids into removing their masks. A mother accused me of child abuse because we wore masks on our way to the car. It’s insane.”

Paula, a Bolingbrook police officer, is frightened by the propaganda she’s hearing from fellow law enforcement professionals: “COVID is the leading cause of death among officers. Yet I see officers posting anti-mask and anti-vaccination propaganda. It’s crazy. Can’t they see BLM is behind this? Since they can’t defund us, they’re trying to deplete us. The medical community is backing the blue by offering free vaccines.”

Despite pressure from a vocal minority, the Village of Bolingbrook is still supporting vaccination efforts.  All residents, regardless of political affiliation, can request receiving a vaccine at home or at work. The Village also hosts a vaccine clinic every Wednesday by appointment from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm. Residents are also required to wear a mask when entering Village hall. 

According to sources affiliated with Village, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will not let “outside agitators” endanger Bolingbrook. As one source explained: “Sure, wearing masks is annoying, and the usual vaccine side-effects are no fun for a couple days. But we’d rather keep our current residents, instead of replacing them.”

Another source added that while it is true some residents could survive COVID, unvaccinated residents can cost the village in other ways. She said: “Some people get Long Haul COVID, and can’t work. That strains our social services and deprives businesses of workers. Plus some studies suggest that COVID can accelerate the loss of brain matter.  Some political leaders might want voters to be cognitively impaired, but not the First Party.”

Bolingbrook’s other political parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released statements supporting vaccination programs. 

While most of the people interviewed feared for the future of Bolingbrook, Peter is optimistic. “This is our tribulation to determine who really supports Trump, and who is just an (expletive deleted). COVID will remove those unworthy of seeing Trump’s reinstatement. After the tribulation, we will all come together and combat Critical Race Theory.”

Also in the Babbler: 

New alien implant teaches CRT to Valley View students
Moses appears in Buffalo Grove to promote COVID vaccines
Editorial: Fireworks and Santa don’t go together
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Podish-Sortacast 3: Not about Ethics in Gaming Journalism (Non-Fiction)

The November episode of the FTB’s Podish-Sortacast will discuss video games from a social justice prospective. The livestream starts November 13th at 14:00 CST.

I won’t be at this one, since I’m cramming to finish my novel, but there will be guests from the FTB Discord server. I’m sure they’ll be more interesting than hearing me go on and on about Spaceflight Simulator. (To send or not to send a crewed expedition to Jupiter…)

Chicagoland’s UFO bases crackdown on alien carjackers (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases independently announced plans to crackdown on alien carjackers.

According to various sources, aliens, disguised as young humans, are stealing cars and contributing to Chicagoland’s highest rate of carjackings in 20 years. Although most car thieves are human, a record number of aliens are participating in carjackings.

“Carjacking is not a human sport,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “It is not a fad, and it is not for alien tourists! I don’t want to be interrupted during a taping of the Bolingbrook Buzz to deal with an alien carjacker.”

Reid Ottesen, the administrator for both the Village of Palatine and Rob Sherman UFO Base, announced new rules restricting the movements of aliens visiting Cook County.  The rules include mandatory inspections of all UFOs for stolen cars, and “Mildly invasive” searches of all aliens who return from “excursions” in Cook, Lake, or McHenry County.

“Humans are very attached to their cars,” said Ottesen.  “So don’t even think of stealing one! Even if you promise to return it.  Take only memories.  Leave us only your landing and visitation fees.”

Peotone UFO Base announced a moratorium on the export of Earth cars until the “carjacking crisis is over.”

Part of the announcement stated: “There is no truth to the rumor that humans will destroy all their cars in order to save their planet.  Cars, in one form or another, will be around until at least the 22nd Century or human extinction, whichever comes first.  If you want a sound investment, consider investing in bitcoin instead.”

Many aliens have expressed disappointment in the new restrictions.  Goplost, a resident of the Bartz Empire, is one of them. He stated:

“I filled out all the forms so I could get my own mobile carbon monoxide generator, and now I can’t ship it because someone is worried I stole it.  It wasn’t stolen…  It was just sitting on a driveway.  No one was in it.”

Zopl, who refused to reveal her home planet, defends carjacking:

“You guys hunt animals.  I hunt dirty human machines. It’s more thrilling fighting an armed human inside a car than it is shooting a defenseless deer.  Plus I’m helping to control the car population, which needs culling far more than the deer population does.”

A receptionist for Mayor Alexander-Basta said she was too busy to comment, as she was attending the reopening of the Bolingbrook Walmart and would be back after the Babbler’s deadline.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “I just got off the phone with (Name Redacted).” 

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I guess he really didn’t like my campaign strategy for 2023.”

“I want to hear it in your own words.”

“Sure.  First, we merge with Bolingbrook United and make you the leader of the new United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook party.”

“Isn’t that a contradiction?”

“You’re over-thinking it.  Anyway, then I’ll arrange for an anti-vaccination slate to run in the First Party’s primary.”

“You want to promote anti-vaccination candidates?  But you still wear biohazard suits indoors— and how many booster shots have you had?”

“I’ve lost count, and you can never be too cautious with COVID.  But I don’t want the slate to win.  I just want them to drive Republicans out of Mayor Mary’s Party.”

“But Roger—”

“Then I’ll upload a deep fake video of the Mayor Emeritus endorsing our slate. Victory will be secured.”

“(Name Redacted) is right.  You are unethical.”

“Maybe, but 2023 could be Bolingbrook’s last free election.  You don’t want to end up outside of Village Hall before US Democracy falls, do you?”

“But even if your evil plan worked, we’d only control half the village board and Mayor Mary would have the tie-breaking vote.”

“But by 2023, I should have a militia ready to—”

Watts then shouted: “La! La! La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  S.T.E.M. is good!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens volunteer to canvas for Rep. Sean Casten
Publisher of Bolingbrook Reporter to trademark ‘Let’s go Brandon’
Rep. Garcia performs the Illuminati Rite of Gratitude for Rep. Newman
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.