Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

“Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”

Web Exclusive: Royce Road truthers slam ‘fake flood’ stories (Fiction)

The editors of “The Real Bolingbrook News” secret subreddit announced in a post that they doubt the news that Royce Road is flooded:

“This is fake news, by fake reporters and fake eyewitnesses!”

They also write: “Instead of acknowledging the victory of Roger Claar and the First Party for Bolingbrook First, the lying press is making up stories about floods to smear them.  The Reddit army must not stand for this!”

During a Skype chat, a man who identified himself as BB1, pointed out several “anomalies” in the flood reports:

“There’s a video of a supposed rescue along Royce Road.  Yet, as a lifelong Bolingbrook Bengal, I don’t remember a section of the road looking like that.  Plus, I’m almost positive I’ve seen the man playing Battalion Chief Dan Graff, in a movie. I’m sure he’s a crisis actor.  Furthermore, look at the car.  I’m sure it could have kept going.  If the flood waters are so dangerous, why is he casually walking and standing around?  This is fake.”

According to official sources, it is dangerous to drive into standing water that is more 5 inches deep, and no one should drive into water that is over nine inches deep.  Six inches of rushing flood waters can knock a person over.

Still, the 10 members of the subreddit insist all the Royce Road flood footage is fake.

Member MissiForever explained in a post: “Roger Clair (sic) created the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent local flooding.  Roger always knows what’s best.  That’s why he endorsed Trump. If Royce Road is flooded, that means Roger is wrong and endorsing Trump was wrong.  As long as I bleed blue and purple, I know that Roger is right.  Therefore Royce Road isn’t flooded and Trump is making us great again!”

When presented with eyewitness accounts of Royce Road being flooded, and personal accounts of basements in Bolingbrook flooding, the members said the witnesses were brainwashed.

In their joint statement, they blamed Will County Trustee, and former Bolingbrook mayoral candidate, Jackie Traynere, for staging the recent flood scenes in the news:

“Jackie is using her influence in Will County to stage these obviously fake scenes.  She is trying to get her revenge against Roger by using the liberal media to smear him. We cannot let her get away with this.  Roger is the best mayor Bolingbrook has had in its 60-year history!”

When reached for comment, Traynere said that she supports the brave members of the Bolingbrook Fire Department, and laughed at the Reddit group.

Charlene Z. Spencer, a public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, confirmed what most residents already knew:

“Unfortunately, Bolingbrook does flood.  The land used for the Golf Club is also part of our floodplain control efforts.  We have never said it would prevent all flooding in Bolingbrook.  I will add that Roger believes the Golf Club will consistently turn a profit someday.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “You’re lucky my officers arrested you before you drove into the water.  I know you saw the signs before driving around the barriers.  What part of ‘Road Closed’ didn’t you understand?”

Bolingbrook Placebo March draws twenty marchers (Fiction)

Twenty people joined the Bolingbrook Placebo March to protest “materialistic science.”

Sign that reads, "I am Storm."

A Placebo marcher holds up an “I am Storm” sign. The imagery is from the “Storm” online short film.

“Science teaches us that ghosts aren’t real, we inherit traits from our family members, and CO2 is bad,” said Patrick Z. Williams, march organizer.  “Well, if I descended from my cousin, why is my cousin still around?”

Many of the marchers said they supported President Donald Trump’s proposed cuts to scientific and medical research.  While critics of the cuts say they will harm innovation and stifle scientific research, the marchers pointed to Cook County.

Janet X Carlson said: “Ever since the University of Chicago was founded, crime, atheism, political corruption, alcoholism, and loud music have skyrocketed in Cook County. It is no coincidence that the two science marches in Chicagoland took place in Cook County.  Science is crooked!”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, added: “Donald Trump is great without science!  Getting rid of science will make America great again — no matter what Bill Nye says!”

Though the march was not political, some members wanted the village to grant more business licenses to homeopathic and naturopathic practitioners.  Some also called for Bolingbrook to ban “unsafe” vaccines.

Janet explained: “If the mayor, or whoever is in charge, doesn’t act fast, all of Bolingbrook’s residents will be autistic within ten years!”

Williams, using a dangling crystal as a guide, started the march at the Fountaindale Public Library. He seemed to lead the marchers in random directions.  Several minutes later, Williams lead the march across the street to Village Hall.  The marchers made their way to a car parked in a no parking fire zone.

There Williams stated: “We must be radiating positive energy. The mayor is here!”  After marching around the building and chanting, they arrived outside Mayor Roger Claar’s office patio.  After a few more chants, Claar stepped outside and addressed them.

“You know, just because you have the right to protest doesn’t mean you should.  You guys are giving me a headache!  And don’t even think about running for office.  I had to spend over $200,000 on the last campaign!  That’s money that could have gone towards scholarships, church donations, new cars, and trips to meet constituents around the world!  Now go home before I call my police department!”

At first, the marchers seemed demoralized.  Then Williams addressed them:

“I just played back what he said with my reverse speech app.  He really likes us!”

The marchers then started chanting “Roger” and “Science sucks.”  Five minutes later, a police officer asked them to leave.

“This was a very successful march,” said Williams.  “We didn’t have the numbers that the March for Science did, but we met the mayor, so that means our march was more potent! “  He added: “Honestly, what has science done for Bolingbrook?  Aside from Adventist Hospital, the Internet, and Whalon Lake?  Well, there is material science that allows WeatherTech to make great floor covers, but the CEO supports Trump, so I guess it’s OK.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar: Government shutdown won’t affect Clow UFO Base
Chicago Scientists breed plant eating cat
Aliens arrested at Chicago March for Science
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/28/17

We get letters: March 21, 2017 edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields

The Reader’s Editor

Hello, and let me introduce myself to our new fans at FreethoughtBlogs.  I’m Doug Fields, the Reader’s Editor for the Bolingbrook Babbler.  My job is to read your letters to the Babbler, and offer my editorial feedback.

Since we moved the website to FtB back in January, most of the letters we’ve received have been positive. For example, this one:

To the Editor:

I love the new blog network you guys joined.  I thought it was going to boring atheists.  Instead, you’re on a network with Yemisi Ilesanmi, a real Nigerian!  I’m pretty sure Pervert Justice is a public service site!  Odgraphix must be a decoding site.  I can’t wait to read the anti-squirrel blog!  Not to mention Thoughts of Crys, which must be an atheist psychic blog!  The only boring blog is by PZ Myers.  He must be the least popular blogger here.  He needs to stop obsessing over shellfish and creationists!

Keep up the good work, and keep those other bloggers on their toes with your quality reporting!

Pauline X. Melvin
Bolingbrook, IL

Glad you like our fellow writers, though none of us here would call PZ boring.

Since it is election season, we’ve gotten our share of political posts, like this one:

To the Editor:

Your pro-Bolingbrook United bias is incredible!  Who pays you to write these articles?  George Soros?

Do you know that not all of Jackie Traynere’s s donors are from Bolingbrook?  Some of them are from Cook County!  Some of them are from unions! She’s even held campaign events outside of Bolingbrook.  Plus she’s a Democrat! We all know what kind of Democrats come out of Cook County!  One of their prominent leaders has even spoken at her events!

I want to vote for a candidate who only campaigns in Bolingbrook, only accepts donations from Bolingbrook residents, and has no party affiliation!  That’s why I’m not voting for Jackie!

John M. Smith
Bolingbrook, IL

Well, Mr. Smith, I guess you’re not voting for Mayor Roger Claar either.  He’s also received donations from Cook County, as well as Georgia, Pennsylvania, Iowa, and other states.  Unions have donated to his fund.  He’s also held campaign events in Chicago, California, and other states. Not only is he a member of the Republican Party, he’s also the 11th district Republican State Central Committeeman. Not to mention that he was also a delegate and fundraiser for Donald Trump.

For that matter, are you sure that the PAC that’s been mailing anti-Jackie flyers gets all its funding from Bolingbrook?

We also received several letters that were written in a similar style.  The mystery was solved when someone sent us this unedited form letter:

To the Editor:

There are three truths that every skeptic must accept.  (Choose two: a) Homeopathy doesn’t work. b) Chiropractors are dangerous. c) Mediums are cold readers. d) Evolution is real), and (Choose one: a) Social Justice is oppressive. b) Rejecting evolutionary psychology is rejecting science! c) Cultural Marxists are taking over our culture! d) Ayn Rand is the only true prophet. e) Men are oppressed by women!)

If you do not accept these facts, you (Choose one. a) will be responsible for the next dark age. b) are as evil as PZ Myers. d) will be a slave to Rebecca Watson e) will be destroyed by Donald Trump)

From the ashes of (Atheism+, radical feminism, or sociology), skepticism will arise again and lead us to the stars!

Your name here
Bolingbrook, IL

Finally, we’ll end with this letter.

To the Editor:

Like many feminists, I’m critical of the social construct of gender.  Yet so many of my feminist friends lose their minds when they talk about transpeople.  They become convinced that biology is perfect, and that reproductive organs determine your gender identity.

Enough!  There is no God and nature is not perfect.  Be the gender your brain says you are, not the gender society and activists demand you be.  That is the ultimate freedom!

As for the claim that you can’t tell what a person is thinking, that argument was used against gay people years ago.  How can you tell that the lesbian sitting next to you is not really a heterosexual woman appropriating lesbian culture?  How can you tell if someone is claiming to  be gay because they think it will help them keep their job?

We can’t be 100 percent sure, but we trust gay people to tell the truth.  That should include transpeople as well!

Jill X. Sheridan (Trans-Inclusive Radical Feminist)
Chicago, IL

Also in the Babbler:

CFI’s feline fellows protest visit to the vet
New World Order: Trump under alien control
Sources say: Claar considers building coal plant in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/24/17

Global Disease Consortium endorses Trumpcare (Fiction)

The Global Disease Consortium unanimously endorsed Trumpcare during their annual gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Lead Barber Alex explained: “We are on the verge of eliminating the biggest obstacle to our plan to unleash endless global pandemics!  What Obama tried to prevent will soon become a reality!  Thanks, Donald!”

Alex confirmed that Trumpcare is an unstable version of Obamacare.  During his speech, he said that ending the individual and business mandates would result in fewer healthy people buying insurance.  Loss of tax deductions could result in businesses removing employees from their health plans.  Ending the Medicaid expansion in 2020 could result in more than 11 million people losing health care coverage.

“In short,” said Alex, “Fewer people will be able to afford preventative care and checkups.  This means more opportunities for our illnesses to fester and spread!  The sickening of America is at hand!”

Alex also believes that President Trump is about to launch a war against vaccines.  “Our rumors and false flags have created bipartisan support for worthless vaccine schedules and less effective vaccines!  Now that the Donald has the power of the Presidency, it is only a matter of time before he launches an inquisition against vaccine supporters. Our seeds of fear of autism have worked! To think that we almost lost Mumps, Chicken Pox, Polio, and Whooping Cough because of bleeding heart medical researchers!”

Vice Barber Sheila addressed concerns that the collapse of the insurance industry would result in fewer profits for the consortium’s members.  “First, all of our members should be invested in alternative medicine.  Americans alone spend over $33.9 billion right now on it.  That number will only go up once they lose access to their doctors. Second, governments always manage to find money in the middle of epidemics.  That money will make its way to us.  Third, the real payoff, however, will come down the road: Once we reduce the world’s population to 750 million, we’ll all profit!  Automation will take care of manual labor, and the people who used to fill those jobs will be dead.  Ayn Rand would be so proud of us!”

After a unanimous vote, anonymous blogger Orac hacked into the public address system.

“At last I have found the source of all quackademia! All of you should be ashamed for causing so much suffering over the centuries!  While all of you were yapping, I uncovered your real names, and I will expose them on my blog!  You will be embarrassed, if not destroyed! “

“Find him and kill him!”  commanded Alex.

Search parties scoured the club looking for Orac.  One party encountered Dr. David Gorski in the parking lot.

“You’re looking for Orac?”  Gorski pointed.  “He went that way.”

The party ran in that direction, while Gorski drove off in opposite direction.

None of the search parties found Orac.

Also in the Babbler:
ICE denied access to Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar offers interstellar Groupon to counter declining UFO traffic
CFI Chicago delisted after refusing to cancel Feline Lovers in Secularism 2 conference
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/17

Web Exclusive: Skepchick and Center for Inquiry evicted from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

IMG_2198

Clow International Airport, which serves as a cover for Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump evicted Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry from all Illuminati controlled UFO bases, including Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Both organizations have represented the skeptical movement to the greater interstellar community since 2013.

Melania made the announcement during a hastily put together video conference.  “UFO sightings have skyrocketed since we made this unholy pact with both groups!  Flying Saucer, Cigar and Sphere sightings are rising!  It is obvious that both factions of the skeptical movement are more interested in serving their New World Order masters than in covering up UFOs!”

She then gave both organizations four hours to evacuate their consulates.

Paula X. Kelly, acting Skepchick ambassador at Clow, was shocked.  “I thought Rebecca (Watson) was pulling a prank on us.  We’re not responsible for sightings.  We’re responsible for creating cover stories after the sightings.  So I sent Rebecca a text.  She replied with a video chat.  She told me it was real, then gave me the authorization codes to start Operation Bad Puppy.”

The staff then quickly, but orderly, started removing portable hard drives and shredding all documents.  They then drenched the entire interior of the consulate with cat urine.

“I always wondered why we kept gallons of cat urine on site,” said an anonymous staffer.

Once the building was evacuated, Kelly and Watson then detonated firebombs, incinerating anything left in the building.

“I hated to do that, but we couldn’t risk any sensitive information falling into the hands of the Illuminati and their Neo-Nazi allies.”

Joan Y. McNeil, CFI’s ambassador based at Clow, thought the announcement didn’t apply to CFI.  “Yeah we’re technically part of the New World Order.  We also have diplomatic immunity, and we’re with Richard Dawkins!  I thought we were too important to be evicted.”

Thirty minutes later, CFI president and CEO Robyn E. Blumner called and asked about the evacuation.

“She chewed me out when I laughed at her.  She said it was a real order, and Richard couldn’t stop them.  I didn’t think it was possible.  We agree on so many things with the Illuminati!  Why should we be kicked out over a one percent difference?”

The staff, now panicking, started smashing their computers, and setting bonfires to destroy their papers.

“We never planned for this.  This isn’t a third world country!  This is America.  This is where we bring secular activists whose lives are in danger.  Maybe we’ll need to be rescued next?”

During the initial chaos, McNeil reached around the movement’s “deep rifts” for help.

“The staff of the Orbit were so helpful!  They taught us how to wipe our hard drives so even aliens couldn’t access them.  I also learned a Freethought Blogs writer how to overload our fusion reactor without blowing up the Chicago area.”

The staff of both embassies have relocated to Hub 35 UFO Base, a New World Order affiliated base located in Rochelle, IL.

Many staff members wished for the conflict between the Illuminati and the New World Order to end.

“They don’t have to work together, but they could at least stop trying to destroy each other.  Humanity loses when they fight,” said an anonymous staffer.

Sources close to Mrs. Trump say she will announce the formation of a new Illuminati aligned skeptical organization by mid-April.

Manchester Mumbler: Ghosts continue to riot following Brian Cox’s statement (Fiction)

Brian Cox.

Photo of Brian Cox by Paul Clarke.

Note: The Bolingbrook Babbler sometimes shares stories from its many sister publications around the world.  The following article is from the Manchester Mumbler, located in Manchester, UK.  This article was translated into American English.

Great Britain’s ghosts continued their mass protests and riots days after physicist Brian Cox said the Large Hadron Collider “proved” they don’t exist.

“We’ve never experienced anything like this,” said psychic Paulette Z. Simpson.  “The ghosts are so insulted and so frustrated that all they can do is trash the British netherworld.  Brian has turned the restless dead into the violent dead!”

Cox, on his show the Infinite Monkey Cage, stated that the measurements and discoveries made using the Large Hadron Collider left no room for the existence of ghosts or for an afterlife.

I would say that if there’s some kind of substance that’s driving our bodies, making arms move and legs move, then it must interact with the particles out of which our bodies are made. Since we’ve made high precision measurements of the ways that particles interact, my assertion is there can be no such thing as an energy source that’s driving our bodies.

The violent reaction from ghosts was so great that its effects could be felt in our world.

“I set my cup down on the table and it just fell over,” said Linda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Some would say I was careless, but I’m not.  Fighting ghosts knocked it over.”

Paul offered more evidence: “My cat kept looking at the wall.  That’s not a big deal, but she kept turning her head!  I think she was watching ghost picketers!  I have all the proof I need!”

Peter Chauncey, the president of the British Association of Expert Mediums, denounced Cox’s statement as “reckless.”

“I have two words for Mr. Cox! Dark. Energy. Ghosts are dark energy.  Every time a being with a soul dies, it becomes dark energy and contributes to the expansion of the universe. It’s so obvious!  How could he miss this obvious conclusion?”

Chauncey urges all British residents to avoid all haunted places until the ghosts settle down.

“Only trained professionals should deal with ghosts at this point.  Fortunately, I can provide that training for a reasonable rate.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Page Three Sheep returns! Again!
Virgin Group offers to take over the government
Prime Minister May begs aliens for favorable trade agreement
Richard Dawkins to smite God on 2/3/17

Sources: American Atheists to relaunch Atheist TV as Atheist TV+ (Fiction)

Atheist TV +

Is this the new logo for Atheist TV?

Atheist TV will be relaunched, state sources with relatives of acquaintances connected to the staff.

One source, who asked to be called Steve, explained.  “We kind of dropped the ball the first time we launched Atheist TV.  We were mostly showing old videos.  You can’t build a network around that.  Even TV Land has original programs.  We hit a low point when a Vice reporter made fun of our launch party.”

Another source, who asked to be called Mandy, explained what the new approach to Atheist TV will be: “We need to be more like Netflix.  That means more original programing.  Original stuff will draw new viewers who will then check out the old videos. That will be a plus for all atheists.”

The sources agreed that Atheist TV, which will be rebranded as Atheist TV+, will initially be anchored by five programs. Three of these will be brand new.  The two established programs will be Atheist Talk and The Atheist Experience.  Atheist Talk will be a live simulcast of the radio program.  The Atheist Experience will be a special live Sunday stream.  The Atheist Experience will also maintain its current schedule, according to the sources.

The three new shows, which will be funded by an anonymous donor, will be a talk show, a drama, and a reality TV series.

[Read more…]

Web exclusive: SGU released from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe panelists were released from Clow UFO Base after being detained for nearly a day by Illuminati agents.

“We’re all fine,” said Dr. Steven Novella.  “There is no truth to the rumor that we were tortured.  We did have to listen to Lee Greenwood songs in our cells, but I think others have suffered worse.”

The panelists were on their way to the Martian Colonies to attend a conference and to do an interstellar broadcast.  Halfway to Mars, the ship was ordered to return to Earth.

“The captain said colonial government had just banned humans from visiting Mars.”  Said Jay Novella.  “When she explained that the Martian Colonies banned humans because they believe all us are carrying infectious Fascist memes, I freaked out.  That’s not how memes work!  It made me so mad that I looked out the window at Mars and said (expletive deleted) you!  Now, looking back, I shouldn’t have insulted a civilization that’s 10,000 years ahead of Earth’s.  Still!  Infectious memes?”

“Yeah,” added Bob Novella.  “They were going to take us on a tour of all the areas where the Internet claimed to have seen skulls and rats.  That tour could have helped us do a better job of debunking those claims.  So their prejudice  is hurting more than us.  It’s hurting Earth’s science education.”

For reasons not clear to the SGU panelists, the craft was diverted to Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, instead of Fairfield A31 in Connecticut.  Upon arrival, several men in blue boarded the craft.

“I thought it was for our own protection,”  said Evan Bernstein.  “When they said we were under arrest, I yelled, ‘I’m not like the others!  Really!’  It wasn’t my best moment.  Anyway, one of them said we were under arrest for being affiliated with the New World Order.  So in that sense, I was like my other panelists.”

The panelists were taken to individual cells, and later were interrogated by Illuminati agents.

“They kept telling me how evil science is,” said Cara Santa Maria.  “Apparently, Donald Trump signed an executive order saying no member of the New World Order could fly into an Illuminati controlled UFO Base.  My interrogator said the only way I’d be allowed to leave is if I switched allegiance to the Illuminati.  I laughed and said that I was sure that the Center for Inquiry’s Interstellar Affairs team was working to get us released.  He laughed for some reason.  Then I told him that The Young Turks Interstellar was about to go live this weekend.  He would have to deal with a Cenk Uygur rant!  That made him think.”

At the end of the day, the SGU panelists were released following a diplomatic protest filed by the Skepchick consulate.

Paula Z Hegel, Skepchick’s ambassador to Clow, released a statement following the SGU’s release.  “As members of the New World Order and the Skeptical Movement, the SGU panelists were fortunate to be well represented in this ugly situation.  But this weekend we’ve seen that many people are not so fortunate.  Permanent aliens are being detained at airports or prevented from returning to their homes because they are muslims from certain countries.  While the executive order mentions 9/11 three times, none of the countries affected were involved in the 9/11 attacks.  This ban only exists because Donald Trump is afraid of Muslims!  His supporters are afraid.  We are not afraid.”

Steven stressed that this incident will not affect the content of the SGU.  “The SGU will not become a political show because of this.  We will stick to the science.”