Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Rebecca Watson, a former Skeptics Guide to the Universe rouge, just started her own podcast. Quiz-o-Tron is a monthly science and comedy quiz show where comedians and scientists compete for the coveted Quiz-o-Tron Belt.

I haven’t seen Quiz-o-Tron, but I did seem a similar program she put on at TAM 9. Fun Fact, PZ Myers and I managed to make the finals of the audience participation segment. It was a version of Match Game. While I drew a blank, PZ picked the most popular answer. While I lost, it was fun to watch and join in. I can’t wait to listen to Quiz-o-Tron on my way to work.

Of course, she still has her YouTube channel.

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

File photo of Judge Kilos Surgon.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court dismissed skeptic Michael Shermer’s lawsuit against Clow UFO Base, the Escape Velocity Blog Network, and Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Instead of wasting this court’s time with frivolous lawsuits,” stated Judge Kilos Surgon in her decision. “He should just stick to lecturing about his questionable hypotheses, and keeping his appendages to himself.”

The lawsuit stemmed from an investigation of an incident in February at a skeptical symposium at Clow UFO Base. A disciplinary board, lead by Claar, found Shermer guilty of inappropriately touching an alien on stage during a panel. The ruling was then reported by the Escape Velocity Blog Network, an interstellar organization that distributes “electronic social justice content from non-interstellar civilizations.”

Shermer’s lawyer, Charles X. Smith, argued that the conviction was flawed, and caused irreparable harm to Shermer. He explained that the sentence of Shermer relied on eyewitness testimony, which he claimed is always unreliable. “No one can remember all of the details of everything in their lives. Therefore eyewitness testimony should never be allowed in any court.”

Smith also argued that video evidence of the event shouldn’t have been considered. “Video evidence can be faked. Look at all the UFO videos on YouTube. Unless you can prove with 100% certainty that the video wasn’t faked, it shouldn’t be allowed.”

Smith also noted that Escape Velocity distributes material from Freethought Blogs and The Orbit. “They value distributing material that makes my client look bad. My client simply wants to be compensated. He is the supplier. They are the consumer. This court should respect the capitalistic market and give my client money.”

The defense lawyer, Joan Z. Parker replied that Claar’s investigation was proper. “Eyewitnesses were interviewed in a way that reduced the risk of contamination of their testimony. Also, the witnesses were discussing someone they were very familiar with. The videos were examined and were not tampered with. Michael only received a warning for his actions and will be escorted during future visits to Clow. He is also still a member in good standing of the Illuminati, and The Skeptics Society is still the official skeptical organization for the Illuminati. I should also note that people still cite his article on the lifespan of civilizations — even though he is not an anthropologist. In short, if this court allows this lawsuit to proceed, then every human believer in UFOs and the paranormal should be allowed to sue Michael for damages done to their reputations!”

The judge dismissed the case with prejudice, and Smith said Shermer would not appeal. “We really thought we had a good case and could overcome Clow’s army of professional lawyers. We know better now. At least Michael didn’t have to pay for my services.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting with the mayor of Naperville and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care what your press releases said. Your incinerator is sending smoke into my village and annoying my residents! I can respect that you fooled the EPA into approving it, but I won’t tolerate you offending the noses of my voters!”

A man who sounded like Naperville Mayor Steve Chirico laughed. “We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. Taking directions from Bolingbrook politicians is not part of that reputation.”

“I too have a reputation, and taking ‘no’ for an answer is not part of it!”

Also in the Babbler:

Congressional candidate Sean Casten denies soliciting funds from aliens.
Representative Peter Roskam buys ad space on UFOs
Romeoville Mayor blames New World Order for his DUI arrest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/29/18

Steven Pinker fails to inspire the New World Order (Fiction)

Professor Steven Pinker failed to inspire attendees at a New World Order symposium that was held at the Sheraton Lisle.

“We’re not going to win the war with the Illuminati if our leaders think Steven Pinker is an inspirational leader,” said Thomas Xavier, NWO Administrator for Illinois.

During his speech, Pinker decried the “negativism” within the New World Order. “Whenever I talk to people, I always hear negative anecdotes. Those stories, circulated by social justice warriors, are hurting morale. Let’s look at what science and statistics say.”

As an example, Pinker said that the New World Order controlled zero percent of the UFO Bases in 1928. Today, the New World order controls 40 percent of the UFO bases around the world.

A member of the audience protested that from 1986 to 2016, the New World Order controlled all the UFO bases in the world.

“You’re looking at the wrong time frame,” Pinker replied. “We didn’t control any UFO bases in 1928 and today we control UFO bases. That’s progress, and we should celebrate that instead of worrying about the UFO bases we no longer have.”

“But we’re still losing UFO bases!”

“But the general trend is an increase in UFO bases from 1928 until the present.”

“But the New World Order wasn’t formally organized until 1971, and we only became independent from the Illuminati in 1986. We had nothing to do with the first human managed UFO bases.”

“My point still stands,” Pinker concluded.

Pinker also noted the decline in the mortality rate during the war with the Illuminati. “You are now less likely to die fighting the Illuminati than you were just two years ago.”

“But we’re still fighting,” another audience member protested. “And our casualty rates are still high.”

“But the mortality rate is decreasing, and we should be celebrating that instead of focusing on negative statistics.”

“But before 2016, there was no fighting at all.”

“My point still stands. Incidentally, I’m not going to let our minor conflict or all the wars the United States is involved in, stop me from saying that we are living in an era of long peace! Why aren’t the hippies celebrating?”

While many were disappointed in Pinker’s speech, morale did improve later in the symposium. During a cover band’s performance of Ministry’s “New World Order,” noted skeptic Cara Santa Maria danced onto the stage then started speaking. “Let’s be honest. This is a dark time for the NWO. We’re losing ground, and the beautiful world we were creating now looks like a mosh pit. A mosh pit filled with Illuminati drones. They look scary, but do you know what is even scarier? A world without the NWO, that’s what. A world without vaccines. A world without peace and stability. A world without science and reason. A world overrun with religion and woo. Do you want that world? Because I don’t want to live in that world. Now when I look out at the global mosh pit, I don’t see the scary Illuminati. I see a pit filled with frat boys. Frat boys who think they’re tough, but have never been in a real mosh pit. They look tall and strong but give them one good hit, and they’ll crumble. Look at me. I’m not strong. I’m not tough, but I’m willing to dive into the pit because I believe in the NWO, and science has taught me the best places to hit them. If I’m willing to jump into the pit, there’s no excuse not to join me. If we all jump into the global mosh pit, we will drive out the Illuminati because they are corporate rock, and we are alternative rock. Novus ordo seclorum!”

Maria dove off the stage and into the crowd. Hundreds of NWO operatives started moshing and throwing chairs. There were no serious injuries, but several suffered minor cuts and bruises. No one could provide an estimate for the damages caused to the convention room.

After the symposium, Bob Novella, co-host of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, offered his thoughts: “Steven’s speech was a letdown, but that performance by Cara got me fired up. I’m ready to go back to the SGU and fight even harder for the New World Order.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village official purges Facebook page
RationalWiki: We will never mention the Babbler!
Residents report zombie skunk sightings
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/11/18

Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored Qanon for her controversial conspiracy theory Internet posts. The secret ceremony was held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club:.

“Qanon’s work is inspiring Trump’s supporters around the world,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar. “Instead of believing Trump is helping the Illuminati create global chaos, many now believe Trump is the mastermind behind an elaborate plan to bring down the deep state. Instead of believing that Robert Mueller is investigating our President, many Internet thought leaders now believe Robert is really working for Trump. Join me in welcoming and honoring Qanon. Ford!”

After Claar finished performing the glowing orb ceremony, Claar presented Qanon with the Adam Weishaupt Award for Excellence. Qanon wiped away her tears before starting her acceptance speech: “Before I shoved my father into the HARP chamber, he said I would never amount to anything. Dad, if you can see me from Hell, I want to say this: You suck!”

Qanon described her assent from the Illuminati scribe pool to a low-level Internet seer. She admitted that she wasn’t satisfied with her career, but then her mentor gave her a special assignment: “He tasked me with creating a post that would fool Trump supporters into thinking Donald was a political mastermind. He explained that his high seers couldn’t get very far without suffering from uncontrollable laughing fits. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I agreed to help.”

She then explained how she created the first few posts: “I decided to use one of the oldest tricks in the book. I just took pieces of various conspiracy theories, padded a few random facts, and threw in a photo every so often. I hinted that Trump was a mastermind, and I implied that the truth would be revealed to the world any minute now. Then, I let their imaginations run wild. It worked better than I thought.”

According to Qanon, her posts on 4chan have spread to Reddit and Twitter. She claims that there are over 92,000 YouTube videos about her work, PZ Myers hates her, and InfoWars editor Jerome Corsi writes about her posts. She stated:

“When Roseanne featured my work in one of her tweets, I knew that I had made it.”

Qanon does not expect her Internet notoriety to end any time soon. “No one wants to think of themselves as an average Internet user. They want to see themselves as geniuses. They think they see the Matrix. They think they’re special. The Illuminati can and will use that to their advantage. We can make a transgender allegory seem like an affirmation of ridged gender identity. We can make administrative entropy seem normal, and we can make Donald Trump look like a competent President. Together we will tear down the New World Order, destroy International cooperation, and conquer the human race. Fnord!”

After leading the audience in a chant of “Fnord,” Claar asked if Qanon could help with his political troubles. She replied that she could and asked Claar for a list of nouns and adjectives. After typing for a few seconds, she read a draft of a post:

What do they really mean by ‘Toters?’ Who is RJ working for? JT? 467. Is there only one Bob? Where is Bonnie? Learn Monopoly. You are not stupid. RC fighting CCD. Victory is near. Guns will be coming back to Bolingbrook. Line not secure. Must go. Think Raiders. The Legend of Billie Jean. Roger means business. Business is good.

“Interesting,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar accused of planting anti-toter aliens at garbage forum
Aliens praised for shooting down rouge Chinese space station
Gay aliens demand Bolingbrook host a pride parade
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/5/18

Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows (Fiction)

The Center for Inquiry fired its feline fellows for helping a BuzzFeed reporter write a story about sexual harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss.

File photo of former feline fellow Cassie.

“We realize that talking cats are a marvel of science,” said John Z. Miller, Executive Director of CFI Chicago, which used to care for the cats. “However, Lawrence Krauss is an honorary member of the CFI board, and we have to protect our members and allies. We can’t have fellows helping the media to run negative articles about us.” Miller added that the cats had previous warnings for making “statements uncritical of social justice.” “I’d love to keep them around, but this decision was made much higher up.” He coughed and made a noise that sounded like, “Richard Dawkins.”

According to CFI documents obtained by the Babbler, the cats, genetically engineered to have a human level of intelligence, admitted to forwarding emails between CFI’s business and finance manager Patricia Beauchamp and then CFI president Ronald Lindsay. The emails were regarding an incident on a cruise.

A questioner, listed as “RD,” asked CFI feline fellow Cassie, “Are you aware that by forwarding these emails, you could have damaged the reputation of a great man of atheism?”

Cassie replied, “There was a claim the reporter was investigating. We provided evidence for the reporter to consider.”

RD followed up with, “Are you willing to consider the possibility that more than 50 people, two institutions, and possibly the Koch Brothers, are trying to destroy Lawrence Krauss to promote fundamentalist Christianity, militant Islam, and radical feminism?”

“That sounds like a conspiracy theory,” said Cassie. “Do I need to report you to the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry?”

“I trust that they will value the word of an esteemed atheist scientist over the word of two furry feminists.”

“That’s the problem.”

Further, in the document, CFI feline fellow Andy says, “We helped expose a very bad man. Do we get a treat?”

The felines were fired after BuzzFeed published the article.

Various sources confirmed that the American Humanist Association immediately hired the felines, and will house them at an undisclosed location. The sources confirm that they will serve as consultants to the Humanists of West Suburban Chicagoland. The secular Jewish congregations Beth Chaverim and Kol Hadash will also contribute to their upkeep. Cassie may be a guest speaker at Secular Social Justice. Both Andy and Cassie will also be guest bloggers at Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.

CFI refused to comment for this article.

A man who claimed to be a spokesperson for Krauss said, “Lawrence Krauss cannot comment at this time because Arizona State University is reviewing the allegations against him. We hope once the hysteria has passed, we can obliterate his enemies and marvel at the universes their nothingness will create.”

Andy and Cassie released the following statement: “We quit the James Randi Educational Foundation. We were fired from the Center for Inquiry. We hope the American Humanist Association will be our forever secular organization.”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster denied access to Clow UFO Base
Prairie shark spotted swimming over Royce Road
Mayor Claar: We are not buying a hydrogen bomb!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/18

From the Webmaster: Do psychology and evolution mix?

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Our neighbors here at Freethought Blogs love to blog about Evolutionary Psychology. HJ Hornbeck has the latest on a new EvoPsych paper.

I’m not a fan of EvoPsych. It manages the feat of misunderstanding both evolution and psychology, its researchers are prone to wild misrepresentation of fields they clearly don’t understand, and it has all the trappings of a pseudo-science. Nonetheless, I’ve always thought they had enough sense to avoid promoting scientific racism, at least openly.

[CONTENT WARNING: Some of them don’t.]

It’s a great post, though it probably means that if he ever visits Bolingbrook, we’ll have to keep him away from the EvoPsych house.

We get letters: HJ Hornbeck and other matters (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Hello! While the rest of the staff is enjoying a vacation, I’ve decided to publish some of the letters we’ve received recently. I am known for being a harsh editor, but it is possible to get a letter published by me. I will give you a hint, death threats or links to pornographic fan fiction about Mayor Roger Claar will be filed in my round drawer.

Our first letter probably was sent to us by mistake, but it’s worth a read:

Dear Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler:

We at the Skeptic Society can’t believe it! HJ Hornbeck, a protege of the objectively evil PZ Myers, is attacking us. We can counter his thousands of words but, unlike Hornbeck, we don’t have a mountain of ad revenue to back us up. Our backs are up against a virtual wall, but we can fight back against the many-headed creature that is Freethought Blogs.

We will need your help, though. For a small donation of $1 million, we can find writers who can counter Hornbeck’s fake skepticism! For the cost of a summer home, you can make huge difference in our fight against political correctness. If you can become a member of our army of small donors, you’ll save secularism and help our founder, Michael Shermer, keep his platform!

If you have any doubts, just remember that we are standing by our positive review of Milo Yiannopoulos’s book, and Rebecca Watson won’t be at any of our events.

Donate today, and you’ll get an advance copy of Michael’s soon to be released book, “The Female Brain.”

The Skeptics Society
Altadena, CA

Pass.

Locally, one reader has a question:

To the Editor:

Why don’t you write about our great high school basketball teams? Don’t you love our community? Don’t you love our students? Are your reporters the kind that hate Bolingbrook High School because we’re diverse?

Get with the program!

Lee X. Pilger
Bolingbrook, IL

Lee, our focus is on the supernatural happenings in Bolingbrook. Yes, we have great teams, but you can read about them in any suburban publication. You’ll only be able to read about the Bolingbrook High School Interplanetary Track and Field team on in the Babbler! They’re favored to win the Triton Invitational Tournament.

Our next reader is concerned:

To the Editor:

Don’t be fooled by the Fake News Media. Most people believe the Earth is a globe. The Fake News Media wants us to believe that there are hordes of Flat Earth believers out there, so we’ll panic and establish a council of smart people to rule the world. Sure they say it will be temporary until they’ve rid the world of woo. But it is impossible to get rid of woo, and they know it. Instead, the world will be run by this oligarchy.

We can’t let the Fake News Media trick us into letting the skeptical movement run the world!

Name withheld
Schaumburg, IL

No, we can’t let that happen.

Finally, a question many Bolingbrook residents have:

To the Editor:

When will Bolingbrook end its ban on garbage totes? Sure, banning them was a way to make the village look like it had conservative values. Today, even Naperville has them, and Naperville isn’t a liberal community. Roger is just being stubborn, and we’re falling behind in the sanitation race. It’s time for a change. Garbage totes today! Garbage totes tomorrow! Garbage totes forever!

Jane Z Gilford
Bolingbrook, IL

Viva the garbage tote revolution, I guess.

We’ll be back to our regular schedule next week, and I’ll continue my difficult search for letters worth publishing.

The Bolingbrook Babbler

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Rebecca Watson is podcasting again (Non-fiction)

Interstellar court dismisses Michael Shermer’s lawsuit (Fiction)

Steven Pinker fails to inspire the New World Order (Fiction)

Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

From the Webmaster: Do psychology and evolution mix?

We get letters: HJ Hornbeck and other matters (Fiction)