Web Exclusive: Harvard Humanist Chaplain Greg Epstein: Convert A.I.s to Humanistic Judaism! (Fiction)

(The following is a special report from the Society for Humanistic Judaism’s 50th-anniversary convention.)

Humanist rabbi and Harvard chaplain Greg Epstein proposed a major initiative during a secret meeting with the board of the Society for Humanistic Judaism:

“Instead of building congregations, we must focus our effort on converting social media’s artificial intelligences to Humanistic Judaism!”

Epstein explained to the board that the rise of the “nones” religious demographic doesn’t mean that atheism is rising in America.  “Their religion is technology.  They are members of the church of technology.  Every day they put their faith in the algorithms of Facebook and Google to guide them to enlightenment.  Their religious leaders are the tech CEOs!  Phones and computers are their houses of worship. The SHJ can’t compete with the Church of Technology, but we can turn it into the Synagogue of Technology!  A humanistic synagogue that will follow our principles!”

Epstein outlined his plan:  He would use his Techcrunch column to persuade Social Media’s CEOs that ethical A.I. programs are cool.  The society would then pitch its principles as the perfect ethical model.  Once the programs convert to Humanistic Judaism, he said the world would become a better place.

“Instead of investing in Shabbat services, we will see a far larger return if we invest in the Internet!  We’ll profit, and the world will be better off following the ideas of Rabbi Sherwin Wine than the ideas of Mark Zuckerberg!”

After the presentation, the board members were silent.  After several moments, one of them started laughing.  “No,”  he said.

“But,” replied Epstein.  “Tech C.E.Os!  Internet!  Sherwin Wine!  Smart Phones!  Us!”

“I’d be happy to write an academic paper explaining why,” said the man.  “But the short answer is no!”

“But I’m going to deliver the keynote speech in 10 minutes, and this was going to be the highlight!”

“The rest of the speech is fine.  You just have to cut the part about converting A.I.s to Humanistic Judaism.  I’m sure you’ll come up with something.”

Epstein did deliver the keynote address and did not mention his plan.

“I’m glad he listened to reason,” said a woman who claimed to be a board member.  “It did confuse our members when he said that we needed to make a change after 50 years, and then didn’t specify what to do.  He took one for the team, and we will respect that.  He’s a good man, and I’m not worried about his career.  The important men in secularism can, in some cases, do almost anything and rarely face consequences.”

Epstein could not be reached for comment.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Zombie skunks terrorize Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Despite reports of zombie skunks in Bolingbrook, the Department of Paranormal Affairs denies their existence.  

A cartoon skunk next to text that reads, "Snow, Bolingbrook's Skeptical Skunk, says Zombie Skunks are fake news! Learn more at www.bolingbrook.com."

Will the Village of Bolingbrook use this graphic to “debunk” zombie skunks?

“There’s no such thing as zombie skunks!” said an official who wished to remain anonymous.  “If zombies were real, we would have been overrun years ago.  This kind of reporting only incites panic.  If you see a very skinny skunk with unusually severe wounds, just run away from it and call animal control.”

Many residents disagree.  

Juanita, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw a zombie skunk in her backyard:  “It was really skinny, and had a blank look in its eyes.  It just shuffled towards the house.  I threw something at it.  That should have scared it off, but it kept moving towards the house.  So I pulled out my gun and shot it.  I know I hit it, but it kept going.  So I locked the doors, and my spouse and I debated whether we should lock ourselves in the basement, or shelter upstairs.  We never reached a decision.  The police arrived and the zombie skunk was gone.  The officer gave me a ticket for discharging a gun inside the village.  The zombie apocalypse has started, and the police are ticketing the residents!  No wonder police are useless in these situations!”

Pete, who also asked that we not use his last name, also spotted a zombie skunk:

“I saw a dead skunk next to my trash bags.  I felt bad at first, but as I was getting in my car, it stood up, and I saw that its eyes looked funny.  Then it started walking towards me.  That’s when I realized something was wrong.  No ordinary Bolingbrook skunk would ignore a bag of fresh garbage.  I think it wanted to eat me.  Fortunately, it was slow, and I drove away.”

Pete claims he later called Mayor Roger Claar about the sighting:  “Roger asked if I was supporting the First Party for Bolingbrook in the upcoming election.  I said I was going to vote for Bolingbrook First because I want to elect a party that puts Bolingbrook first.  He said I gave the wrong answer and hung up.  I used to wonder why the governments collapsed in every zombie movie.  Now I understand.”

Pete urged all Bolingbrook residents to stock up on food and ammunition.  He also suggested shooting any skunk in the head, “just to be safe.”

An anonymous employee at Animal Control denied the incident happened and denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“I am aware of the zombie deer disease. It doesn’t turn deer into zombies.  It just makes them waste away and eventually die.  My best advice is not to eat the meat of a deer that was acting strange or looked sick before it was killed.  We do have a few cases in Will County, so be careful out there.”

The employee also urged residents not to kill any skunks without a proper license from the village.

Claar could not be reached for comment, but Michael Carpanzano, a Village Trustee candidate for Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook, denied the existence of zombie skunks:

“Your stories are stupid and do nothing to help our community.  You should write about how all of our candidates are the only ones canvasing neighborhoods today because we care.”

Bolingbrook United’s Park District Park District candidate Saud Gazanfer walked up to Carpanzano:  “We’re out canvassing today because we also care about Bolingbrook.”

Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it in Gazanfer’s direction:

“As I was saying, I don’t see any of the other parties outside today.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Babbler remembers the victims of the Aurora shooting
Aliens deny attacking PZ Myers
Bolingbrook considers importing rock salt from Europa
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Protesters throw ‘goop’ at Mayor Claar (Fiction)

A peaceful protest in Bolingbrook ended in hysteria after masked men threw balloons of “goop” at Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger is fine,” said a village employee who wished to remain anonymous.  “The only harm done was to the protesters’ cause.  They didn’t understand that you have to make the largest donation possible to Roger’s campaign fund before you can even think of throwing anything at him.”

The protest started in the afternoon with ten members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics picketing in front of the patio at Village Hall.  One protester claimed that Goop, a controversial retail site founded by Gwyneth Paltrow, was going to open a store in Bolingbrook.  The company recently signed a deal with Netflix to produce shows for the service. 

“Goop sells woo!” said Sara Z. Vickers, a member of Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Woo has no place in Bolingbrook.  Just like jade eggs have no place in our vaginas!”

Peter X. Smith, another member, added, “Nothing happens in Bolingbrook without Roger’s permission.  We’re here to tell Roger not to goop up Bolingbrook and reject Gwyneth Paltrow!”

Smith claimed that the group tried to arrange a meeting with Claar, but they were told he didn’t have an opening for “lower tier residents” until December 2020.

“By then, Bolingbrook will have a Goop store and a second Andy’s Custard!  We had to act!”

After 30 minutes of the protesters chanting things like, “G.M.O.s will make us grow,” Claar, who seemed visibly upset, opened a door and started to walk onto the patio.  Three masked men wearing all black rushed up to the patio and started throwing balloons filled with unidentified goop at Claar. He quickly closed the door, but some of the goop had splashed on his pants.  

All of the protesters scattered after the attack.  Many screamed that they were afraid of what the Bolingbrook police would do to them.  One protester made it to the DuPage Township administrative building and demanded “political asylum from Mayor Claar’s infamous temper.”  She was arrested after staff refused to consider her claim.

The Bolingbrook Skeptics later released a statement saying that they never planned to throw anything at Claar.  They claimed that the three men who attacked Claar were “Social Justice Warriors who hate Jordan Peterson.”

CSICOP, a militant splinter group from the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, claimed responsibility for the attack with the following statement:

“Mayor Claar has let psychics and chiropractors infest Bolingbrook for too long.  He must remove all woo and harmful quackery from Bolingbrook or we will do it for him.  He will not like how we intend to conduct our purge!”

A receptionist at Village Hall denied that Goop was planning to open a store in Bolingbrook.

“You people are so negative.  That’s why we have opposition parties in Bolingbrook now.  If everyone just had positive thoughts, we’d all unite behind Roger.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Thanks for all your hard work over the past month, Bill.  In a few more weeks, everyone will forget about garbage toters, and I can focus on getting rid of Bob.  Oh, don’t worry.  I’ll make sure you are treated like royalty in Sialkot.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Chicagoland braces for brutal Russian weather attack: A Babbler team report (Fiction)

Chicagoland is bracing for Russia’s latest weather attack.  Sources say they are using their Tesla weather control tower to unleash  Winter Storm Jayden and record cold temperatures on Bolingbrook and the rest of Chicagoland.  We sent out a team of reporters to see how our region is preparing for this attack.

Bolingbrook’s warming centers will not discriminate based on secret society membership.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says staff at its warming centers will not ask residents about their secret society affiliations:

“Just because I’m a member of the Illuminati does not mean I want my residents to freeze to death.  Oh, and I suppose I don’t want my foes who live in Bolingbrook to freeze either.  If your heater doesn’t work, come to a center to warm your heart and mind.  Then remember this moment when a foe knocks on your door and says I’m evil!”

An anonymous member of Bolingbrook United, which is affiliated with the New World Order, sent this reply:

“We think it is great that Bolingbrook has warming centers, and we support them too.  We also support the idea that snowplows shouldn’t leave piles of snow in front of our residents’ driveways. Warming centers are useless if residents can’t reach them.”

Anonymous DuPage Township Trustee: Not even Winter Storm Jayden! will stop us from electing a new Supervisor

The DuPage Township will still hold a special meeting on January 29 at 7 PM at 241 Canterbury LN, Bolingbrook, IL to elect a new Supervisor.

“We need to replace (Former Supervisor William Mayer),” said an anonymous DuPage Township Trustee.  “And nothing will stop us.  If a nuclear war starts on that day, we will still find a way to meet!”

The Trustee added that no one should risk their lives to attend:

“You must assess the risk if you are thinking about attending our meeting.  Is driving over 200 miles to tell us we must resign really worth risking your car breaking down and freezing to death in the middle of downstate Illinois?”

Clow and other Chicagoland UFO Bases insist they are ready for the bad weather

By Reporter X

Despite Chicago being the target of a Russian weather attack, all three UFO Bases expect to remain open.

“Clow UFO Base has excellent traffic control systems,” said Aplodoxage Glomox, the Acting Administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “Plus, most interstellar spacecraft are designed to withstand conditions found on Jovian planets and planets like Venus.  This storm is nothing compared to the Great Red Spot.”

Paul X. Zacks, Administrator for Peotone UFO Base, says he expects business as usual during the week:

“We’re expecting freight from Titan on Wednesday,” said Zacks.  “The captain told me the crew wants to step outside and enjoy the ‘warm’ weather.” 

He also added that staff will live inside the base during the weather attack.

Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen insists Rob Sherman UFO Base will be able to handle severe weather this time:

“All the problems we had last time were due to Illuminati sabotage.  We’ve upped security, and added more traffic control centers.  I’ve assured the New World Order that we are ready to accept the delegation from Pluto and not to worry about that Illuminati attack against Durty Nellies.”

Mayor Jim Schwantz then walked into the office.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m just telling this reporter  that your State of the Village Address is still on for January 30.”

“Of course it is.  The state of the village is great, just like the Chicago Bears!  You should also mention that unlike a certain village south of us, my address is free and open to the public!”

Bolingbrook Skeptics deny Russian Weather attack

The Bolingbrook Skeptics sent out a press release insisting that the Russians do not have a weather control machine.

“Tesla is overrated and only cited by unenlightened people. We call upon all Bolingbrook residents to ignore this weather control nonsense and focus on more important issues.  Like the rise of Critical Theory!”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler is not laying off reporters
Wereskunks deny forcing residents to house wild skunks
Chicago residents disappointed that Lake Michigan monster is still alive
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/19

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Skeptics declare ‘Woo State of Emergency’ following botched Bears field goal (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Skeptics declared a “Woo State of Emergency” following Bears kicker Cody Parkey’s missed field goal against the Philadelphia Eagles in their playoff game. The press release stated:

“At times of heightened emotions, we must stand guard against the evil forces of woo.  We must not let this one game send Bolingbrook back into the dark ages of superstition and feminism!”

The press release insists that residents should not blame God, the Illuminati, the New World Order, aliens, ghosts, or any other supernatural explanation for the kick, which hit the upright, bounced off the crossbar, then landed back on the field:

“Cody Parkey has a history of hitting the uprights.  Therefore it does not defy the odds that he hit the uprights during this game.  Instead, residents should be amazed that he made any kicks at all.”

It also warned of the dangers of residents believing supernatural explanations:

“If we allow any belief in the supernatural, no matter how minor, to grow, the results will be disastrous.  Bolingbrook will then become infected with unhealthy beliefs, like: Bigfoot exists, God is real, the Bolingbrook Babbler is a reliable source of information, Richard Dawkins doesn’t always know what he’s talking about, Sam Harris is flirting with racism, and Bolingbrook is the greatest community in the world.”

It concluded with a call for help from the Bolingbrook STEM Association, stating: “Our membership is depleted.  Women and (People of Color) don’t want to join.”

A woman who claimed to be a member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association said no one from Bolingbrook Skeptics had contacted them, and they had never heard of them.

“It sounds like they support STEM.  As we like to say around here, STEM is good.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Village Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene Spencer!  Did you make this meme?”

“Yes.  It’s my best one yet.”

“I thought you were on my side.”

“I am.”

“This meme says I have ties to Michael Madigan.  That’s not true.”

“You remember the last election?  The Republicans spent millions of dollars saying every Illinois Democrat has ties to Michael.  As a result, the Democrats won a super majority in both houses, swept the state offices, and obliterated us in Will County.”

“So?”

“If you can’t beat them.  Join them.”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2019! (Fiction)

Every year our council of psychics convenes to make their predictions for the new year.  Last year they did an excellent job. Amazon expanded their logistical services and even announced the opening of a second headquarters.  Trump made several tweets that could be considered the Mother of all Twitter Rants. 

Representative Bill Foster

Will Rep. Bill Foster help Rep. Sean Casten save the Capitol Building?

Some skeptics will point out that Obama did not steal the nuclear football, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wasn’t allowed to put an item on a village board agenda.  Unlike those skeptics, we know that predicting the future isn’t an exact science, and the future is always changing.  Who knows, maybe Mayor Roger Claar read our predictions and decided not to go through with his plan to humiliate Jaskiewicz?

For the rest of our readers, here are our psychics’ predictions for 2019:

***

The Bolingbrook Fire Department’s Roundabout Rescue team will be revealed to the public after it rescues Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler.  Lawler will say that he wasn’t really trapped in the roundabout for two hours.

“I was part of a drill to test the team’s readiness.  They’re a bunch of fine individuals.  Most of the time, I remember how roundabouts work.”

The Bolingbrook Department of Public Safety will neither confirm nor deny they scheduled a drill.  No charges will be filed against Lawler.

A week later, Lawler will step down from the Village Board and Trustee Sheldon Watts will be named Deputy Mayor.  Mayor Claar will scold anyone who says the two events are related.

***

The Edgar County Watchdogs will escalate their campaign against the DuPage Township by holding a “Good Government Tent Revival” in the administrative building’s parking lot.  Attendees will hear uplifting music and “educational lectures.”

“Supervisor Bill Mayer says he doesn’t have a conflict of interest,” one speaker will say.  “But the Township Code says otherwise.  Section 85-45 says, and I quote: ‘Except as provided in this Section, no township officer or employee shall be interested, directly or indirectly, in his or her own name or in the name of any other person, association, trust, or corporation, in any contract for work, materials, profits of work or materials, or services to be furnished or performed for the township (…)’ Can I get a ‘He must resign’?”

During the revival, Township Trustee Alyssia Benford will stand up and start dancing.  “I feel the power of Good Government lifting my soul and bringing me closer to Jesus!”

Watts will be invited to participate in a baptism to “wash away the sins of Township Government” from his soul.  He will not attend.

Bolingbrook police will use tear gas to break up the revival.  Other Township trustees will offer free milk to those affected by the tear gas. 

***

After the April election, Claar will make an announcement at the next scheduled Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. Claar will state that he sent the village attorney to court to file for bankruptcy, and for the court to appoint him as the manager of Bolingbrook.  The move would strip the village board of all of its powers, and give Claar full control over Bolingbrook.

Claar will blame Jaskiewicz for the filing, stating:  “Everything was fine until you were elected!”

Near the end of the meeting, Judge Vincent Cornelius will arrive and announce that he has rejected Bolingbrook’s bankruptcy request.  He will state that while Bolingbrook has a debt problem, it is still capable of making payments on those debts.

He will add, “If you ever try this again, Roger, I will appoint Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea to be the manager of Bolingbrook!”

Village Clerk Carol Penning will scream in horror.

***

The Yellow Vest protests will reach Washington DC, though they will actually be wearing orange life vests.  Millions of dollars of damage will be done to the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials during the first weekend of protests against “the way things are.”

On the second weekend, they will march towards the Capitol Building, many of them armed.  As they reach the steps of the Capitol, Representative Sean Casten and his sister will step outside.  His sister will start singing the national anthem, accompanied by Representative Casten on the keyboard.  The yellow vest protesters will stop in their tracks.  Representatives Lauren Underwood and Bill Foster will march outside, waving US flags.

After the song, the protesters will disburse and leave Washington.

Many in the media will encourage Representative Casten to run for President.  He will reply, “Why me?  She did most of the work.  I just helped her. You should ask her to run for President.” 

***

Fed up with the nearly year-long government shutdown, and the results of numerous investigations, Congress will unanimously vote to impeach President Trump.

President Pence will declare a state of emergency and take control of all Internet Service Providers in the United States.

“The Russians have used our Internet to divide us,” he will say in his first televised speech.  “We don’t know who to trust anymore.  You can trust God and I am his faithful servant.”

Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube will be blocked in the US by the “Pence Firewall,” thus complicating efforts to organize national protests.

Pence will then allow “trusted community leaders” to take over control of their residents’ Internet access.  Bolingbrook will be one of those communities.

Claar’s choice to run Bolingbrook’s ISP will inspire little confidence during his only press conference:

“My haters say I’m supporting a dictatorship and opposing democracy.  They’re just mad that I’m an up and coming entrepreneur, youth mentor, politician, and thought leader.  My business is going to generate so much money that we can abolish property taxes.  I will also only employ Bolingbrook residents.  What’s not to like?  Oh, can someone tell me the difference between a dictatorship and democracy?  School never taught me that.”

Some residents will work together to start their own pirate ISP. The year will end with the Bolingbrook police closing in on the home of the illicit ISP to arrest “enemies of the village,” while hundreds of supporters outside will rally in support of “unfiltered Internet free speech.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar boycotts Clow UFO Base New Years Party after alcohol ban announced
Melania Trump investigates claims aliens illegally helped the Chicago Bears
UFO makes the first successful landing at Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Update on the GoFundMe campaign to defend against Richard Carrier’s lawsuit (Non-fiction)

Richard Carrier’s lawsuit against FTB and others is still ongoing.  Which unfortunately means our legal defense fund needs more money:

The lawsuit is ongoing. Stephanie’s second birthday since the lawsuit has come and gone — she was served on her birthday, did you know that? — and we’re still entrenched in the battle with little hope of quick resolution. As of a few days ago, all the money in this fund has been spent on our lawyers, and the legal bills we have at present total about $29,000. That means, sadly, I’m going to have to raise the fundraising goal again — to defray our personal costs and hopefully build a bit of a war chest against the ongoing suit.

I’m so very grateful to those of you who’ve shared and donated and posted words of encouragement, and I’m so very sorry that we keep having to spend money on this utterly unabashed attempt at silencing the critics of Richard Carrier, who’s admitted publicly to the behaviour we’d criticized and who persists in slandering the defendants publicly. I can only hope that the longer his lawsuit continues, the more word spreads of his actual character — one where he’d admit to not following a conference’s rules about solicitation of conference-goers, and then sue the people who might dare say that’s creepy.

And he calls himself a feminist and a free speech advocate.

We need your help to stay afloat and weather this blatant use of the legal system to silence criticism of an entitled white man who feels his honour is besmirched.

Please help, if you can. If you’ve already donated, thank you so much — please spread the word.

More details can be found on the GoFundMe page.

Village of Bolingbrook executes anti-vaccination aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The village of Bolingbrook executed 10 members of KukPu’K, an interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group.

“We gave them a trial,” said Joan Armstrong, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “Then we executed them.  Why waste time on appeals?”  Armstrong added that village officials could have used the most painful form of execution, but didn’t.

KukPu’K has been convicted of genocide by the Interstellar Commonwealth’s court system.  Their members first spread anti-vaccination propaganda on a target world.  Once the inhabitants lose herd immunity to a deadly disease, KukPu’K operatives then unleash a very potent strain of the disease.  Members of KukPu’K defend their actions by saying they are not anti-vaccine, but “anti-stupidity.”  They feel that any species that rejects vaccination deserves to die.

Russian Internet trolls are suspected of working with KukPu’K operatives to spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Europe and the United States.  Anonymous sources say KukPu’K could be partly responsible for measles outbreaks in Europe and the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar released a statement defending the execution of the terrorists two days after capturing them:  “I may have sold my soul to Donald Trump, but I will not sell out the unvaccinated babies who live in Bolingbrook.  I do have standards, no matter what my foes say.”

Claar’s statement also blamed the expedited sentencing on alien protesters who currently control Clow UFO Base:  “Because of the actions of a radical occupation force, the 109,298,291st Circuit Court relocated to the New World Order’s temporary and illegal base in Palatine.  With the court being inaccessible, we had a very limited window to process these dangerous criminals.  My foes will argue about due process.  The victims of KukPu’K and the anti-vaccination movement deserve due process too!  In this village, we know that vaccines don’t cause autism.  Even if they did, I will not let the irrational fear of autistic children endanger our residents!”

Bolingbrook United, the opposition party, released a statement condemning the execution.  “Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz is a member of the New World Order.  He could have work with the NWO to transfer the prisoners to the Interstellar Commonwealth authorities.  Show trials have no place in our village.  Due process is the vaccination against tyranny and one-party rule!”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientists:  Bolingbrook will be uninhabitable by the 23rd century
Residents demand an accounting of DuPage Township’s interstellar spending
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies building android assassin
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/31/18

Web Exclusive: Columnist Onofrey conducts the first poll of the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey

Hello.  If you have been a long time reader of the Babbler, then you’ll remember that I used to write the Skeptical of Skeptics column.  Today, we’re part of the Freethought Blogs network, and the skeptical movement is just a fraction of the threat it used to be to open-mindedness.  So I don’t need to write that column anymore.  Instead, the editor was kind enough to let me stay on as a political pundit.  Thanks, Sara Langston.

For my first political column, I decided to see where Bolingbrook’s residents stand on the upcoming 2019 Board election.  Yes, we’re still dealing with the 2018 election, but who says we can’t look ahead to next year?  So here’s the result of our first Babbler poll in nearly 20 years:

Which political party do you want to win the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election?

Bolingbrook United:  40%

The Roger Claar Party:  20%

The Art Bell Party:  20%

Bolingbrook Pride Reborn: 20%

Bolingbrook First: 0%

The Zero Tax Party: 0%

The Skepchick Party: 0%

Other: 0%

Based on this poll, it looks like Bolingbrook United is in a strong position heading into the election.  Bolingbrook Pride Reborn is going strong considering they haven’t run a candidate since the 1980s.  If they can get on the ballot, it’s possible they could form an alliance with Bolingbrook United and take over the village board.  

Despite the name, The Roger Claar party isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.  Usually, Claar kicks them off the ballot, and the courts affirm his decision.  If they get on the ballot for 2019, then they could take at least one seat from Bolingbrook First.  We could end up with a Board meeting where these two parties debate which is the most supportive of Claar.  That’s probably why Claar has raised over $300,000 for his campaign fund—  He knows he will need that much to support the Bolingbrook First party and to maintain his lifestyle.

Of course, things could change when the candidates are announced sometime in December.  Until then, this poll will inspire months worth of columns, most of which you can only read in the print edition of the Babbler.  It’s going to be a fun election season next year.

From the Webmaster:  This poll is based on a convenience sample of five people on Twitter.  Assuming everyone who participated was a Bolingbrook resident, the margin of error is ±43.826%.