(Link) Ed Yong’s ‘How the Pandemic Defeated America’ (Non-fiction)

Ed Yong’s excellent article in the Atlantic, “How the Pandemic Defeated America,” is a devastatingly honest account of why the United States has the worst COVID-19 outbreak in the world:

Despite its epochal effects, COVID‑19 is merely a harbinger of worse plagues to come. The U.S. cannot prepare for these inevitable crises if it returns to normal, as many of its people ache to do. Normal led to this. Normal was a world ever more prone to a pandemic but ever less ready for one. To avert another catastrophe, the U.S. needs to grapple with all the ways normal failed us. It needs a full accounting of every recent misstep and foundational sin, every unattended weakness and unheeded warning, every festering wound and reopened scar.

Yong details how the combination of an inept President, an inadequate health care system, decades of racist policies, and early reopenings as reasons for the widespread outbreak in the US.  Even Coronavirus Task Force member Dr. Deborah Brix admits that the virus is “extraordinarily widespread,” even into the rural and urban areas.

Eventually, COVID-19 will be manageable either through treatments or vaccines.  We will be able to get close to one another, go out to places, and travel again.  But as Yong shows in his article, it will take a very long time for the country to recover from the economic and social problems exposed and exacerbated by the pandemic.

Bolingbrook Mayor Alexander-Basta confronts COVID-19 ‘zombies’ at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander Basta (From the Village of Bolingbrook.)

By Reporter X

One day after becoming acting mayor of Bolingbrook, Mary Alexander-Basta faced her first challenge when 20 armed protesters tried to storm Clow UFO Base. 

The human protesters marched towards Clow brandishing long rifles and chanting things like,: “Masks are Murder,” “COVID is Cool,” and “Lockdown liberals!”

The protesters claimed they were followers of Bolingbrook Resident “Mr. G,” and claim he ordered the “liberation march” on Clow.

“COVID-19 is a hoax,” said a mask-less man who refused to provide his name.  “It’s a fake biological weapon created in China to harm President Trump and help libtards make America suck!  We can’t let the Chinese shutdown Bolingbrook!  We must reopen Clow UFO Base to save Bolingbrook.”

When the protesters reached the sealed entrance, Pete, the leader of the march, demanded that the protesters be let inside.  A woman, who spoke through an intercom, said Clow was under the “Doomsday Directive” due to the pandemic.  Clow, she explained, could only be reopened under a joint order from the Mayor and the head of the “Doomsday Crew.”

“We’re not coming out any time soon,” said the woman.  “Have you seen the positivity rates in Will County?”

“We are protesters,” Pete replied.  “That means we are immune to the hoax Chinese Virus.  We are also armed.  So you have to let us in so you can stand still as we get into your face.”

“No,” the woman snapped and fired a sonic attack at the protesters.  As the protesters recovered, she continued.  “We know what’s going on outside.  Coronavirus isn’t just infecting your lungs and blood.  It’s infecting your brains too!  It’s tricking you into thinking that a virus that has killed hundreds of thousands is a hoax.  It’s making you question germ theory.  It’s convinced you that you can only be free by infecting others!  You think you’re fighting for freedom?  You’re really fighting for the coronavirus.  All of you are a bunch of Coronavirus zombies!”

As Pete and the other protesters yelled back at the woman, Alexander-Basta and Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler arrived with several Men in Blue, and the Clow Special Forces Team.

Lawler said to Alexander-Basta: “Since you don’t get control of the Men in Blue until after Midnight, I’m going to teach you how we handle riots at Clow.”

Alexander-Basta, who was already wearing a KN95 mask, finished putting on protective goggles and gloves.  She turned to Lawler and said: “I got this.”  

While Lawler protested, Alexander-Basta walked up to Pete, grabbed an ear lobe, and pulled his head down.

“Young man you are in serious trouble,” said Alexander-Basta.  “You are trespassing on Village Property, and violating two of the 3 Cs.  Your friends are too crowded and too close to each other.  This is the third super spreader event this week in Bolingbrook, and since your name isn’t Roger, I can do something about it.”  Alexander-Basta pulled harder on his ear.  “You and your friends are grounded for the next 14 days.  Do you understand?”

“But freedom—”

“Would you rather have Michael and the Men in Blue decide your punishment?  He might be inclined to charge you with a war crime for using a biological weapon against our village!”

Pete gave the stand-down order to the protesters and they surrendered their guns to the Men in Blue. 

Alexander-Basta walked back to Lawler and said: “There are times when you have to be a good mom, and times when you have to be a mean mom.  This was the time to be a mean mom.”

A receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was not available for comment:

“Now you want to interview her because she just became mayor.  Well, right now she’s in a meeting and can’t be bothered.  Just between you and me, the woman she’s talking to is wearing such a vividly green dress.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “Are you talking about The Manual: I’m Right and You’re a Stupid Liar: How To Run Bolingbrook The Roger Claar Way?”

A woman replied: “No.  This is a book we’ve kept hidden for over 40 years!”

“Wow!  That’s almost before Roger.”

“Yes.  We hid it from Bob, Ed, and even Roger.  Now we can reveal it to you.”

“I’m honored…Oh!  It’s another manual.  You’ve Come A Long Way Baby: How to be a female mayor in Bolingbrook by Mayor Nora Wipfler.  I don’t know what to say.”

“Then listen to our warning:  Beware of ambitious men and the woman who support them.”

Further in the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, covert social media operative, said: “Okay Sheldon, what are you going to tell Our Revolution Bolingbrook?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said: “I have concerns about Amazon’s treatment of its workers.”

“And what are you going to tell the Bolingbrook Jaycees?”

“Are they still around?”

“I’m working on it.  So what are you going to say to them?”

“I will not let Cancel Culture cancel Bolingbrook’s economic development.”

“You’ve got this Sheldon!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives first post-Claar weekend
Weredeer leader insults the new mayor of Bolingbrook
Alien infected with COVID-19 gets a double brain transplant
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/6/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens and Illuminati sponsor an emotional and extravagant retirement party for Mayor Claar (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Claar delivers his retirement speech while an alien watches.

Mayor Roger Claar (Left) delivers his retirement speech while alien ambassador Zokla (Right) looks on.

Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night.  It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar.  All the special guests wore biohazard suits.

“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests.  “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic.  Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”

The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens.  Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”

“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show.  “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”

“Thank you,” replied Young.  “I just needed the right inspiration.  I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”

Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:

“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no.  Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage.  We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much.  So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”

“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes.  “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:

“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”

“It’s just a picture of you.”

“So?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:

“You are a faithful person and believe in science.  I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”

“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”

Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:

“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention.  Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people.  I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?”  Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita.  So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”

“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.

Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party.  He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:

“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village.  We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district!  Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere.  I built factories and office parks on it.  People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois!  There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook.  I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”

Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler:  “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word.  I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party.  I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020?  But don’t worry.  I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position.  This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”

“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community.  It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things.  By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”

Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.

“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent.  Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.

“What will I have to do?”

“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension.  We’ll find you when the time comes.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“Let me tell you something:  Keep an eye on the junior guy.”

“I suppose that means something.”

“Trust me.”

QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song.  Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”

In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.

“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied.  “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM?  Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”

“Whatever (name redacted).  We’re out of here.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space aliens will not enroll their children in Chicagoland’s schools due to COVID-19 (Fiction)

For the first time since the early 1970s, space alien students will not be enrolled at any Chicagoland schools.

Instead, the Interstellar Commonwealth will set up schools at each of Chicagoland’s three UFO bases:  Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook, Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, and Peotone UFO Base in Will County.

“Too many humans believe their god of guns will protect them from COVID-19,” said Ostogot, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, during a conference call with base administrators.  “We believe it is best for our children to watch this pandemic out from the comfort of a UFO base.”

Palatine’s Village Manager Reid Ottesen promised to provide a “Fremd High School” quality education to all alien students:  “While we enjoy hosting our interstellar students, this school year we need to provide as much space as possible for our human students.  We appreciate our visitors’ understanding as D211 and D15 start the year off with a hybrid schedule.  Who knows how long that will last?  Still, by keeping your children on base, both school districts can give it a try.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar thanked the Interstellar Commonwealth for funding and staffing Clow’s school:  “Since Clow is still locked down, onsite learning was never an option for our alien students.  Some suggested drones for each student, but I vetoed that.  My school district needs all of the social distancing space it can get.  Thanks to Ostogot, our visitors can enjoy a full safe school experience, while Bolingbrook’s children will learn the harsh truth that nature wants us all dead.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere said that alien children already went to school on base:  “This year, we were hoping to introduce alien students to the D207U district.  However, with cases rising in Illinois, we’ve decided to wait another year.”

Traynere then added her “good friend” Dr. Anthony Fauci to the conference call:

“This is the first sensible decision about schools I’ve heard this month,” said Fauci.  “Cases are rising in the US and in Illinois.  We should be talking about getting the outbreak back under control.  Instead, we’re reopening Disney World!  Human children aren’t immune to COVID-19 and now we think aliens aren’t immune either.”

“Wait a minute,” yelled Claar.  “Last week you said aliens were immune and those aliens in Palatine probably died from something else.”

“I said it was unlikely aliens could get COVID-19, and there was a chance the aliens in Palatine died from something else.  Today I just got new studies that proved that the virus can survive in some alien bodies.  Most won’t get sick, but they can spread the virus.  Those who get sick will either die or suffer long term disabilities.  Oh, and we found traces of the novel Coronavirus in the ashes of those aliens.”

“Dear God!  I can’t keep up with all of these developments.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Why are you scientists always changing your mind about this virus?”

“Because it’s a novel virus that has never infected humans before.  So the learning curve is steep and deadly.  Kind of like the video game Eve Online.”

“Huh.  At least tell me there’s a cure on the way.”

“Permission to speak freely.”

“I suppose.”

“We might have an AIDS vaccine before we have a long-lasting COVID-19 vaccine.  The secret vaccine we have now is only effective for 12 hours.”

“Twelve hours?  How can we hope to achieve herd immunity if the vaccine only lasts 12 hours?”

“Herd immunity?  That’s a good one, your honor.  The best we can do to prevent reinfections is hope the general public is willing to wear masks and practice social distancing for several more years.”

“Years?  Oh dear God, we’re screwed!  Excuse me.  I need to start counting down from 500 to calm down.”

The administrators finished up the meeting by explaining that the alien students will not be allowed to participate in sports with human students.  Instead, aliens students will only participate in interplanetary competitions. 

Zoblogot, Captain of the Bolingbrook High School Interplantary Football Team, told the administrators most alien students support the decision.

“Human sports camps are being canceled, and who knows if there will be human high school athletics this year?  We’re going to miss our human friends, but everyone in Bolingbrook should know that we will be fighting for Raider pride among the stars!”

Also in the Babbler:

Downers Grove resident saw alien holding a Casten yard sign
Bolingbrook STEM association denies it has found the cure for COVID-19
Palatine Township finally admits COVID-19 threat ‘might’ not be exaggerated
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives’s canvassers spread beyond Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District according to eyewitnesses (Fiction)

File photo of Jeanne Ives taken by the College of DuPage’s staff.

Canvassers claiming to be volunteers for Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives have been spotted outside the Sixth Congressional District.

“Door to door canvassing is bad enough during a pandemic,” said Liz, a Bolingbrook resident.  “Seeing one of her canvassers in Bolingbrook is scary.  Do they even know what office she’s running for?  For that matter, does Jeanne?  She talks so much about Illinois politics that I wonder if she thinks running to be (Governor JB Pritzker’s) boss?”

Andrea X. Parker, a resident of Naperville, claims a canvasser accosted her on her front yard:

“This guy tried to shake my hand.  I told him to keep his distance.  He stepped back but said that a judge ruled that we no longer have to practice social distancing.  I asked him how a judge could rule a virus out of existence?  He said Jeanne gave Trump a performance grade of ‘A,’ and that was all he needed to know.  I said that was all I needed to know about Jeanne.”

Wendy Lee, a resident of Romeoville, also claims an Ives canvasser visited her:

“I told this guy he was lost because I live in the 11th Congressional District.  He said Team China Carrier was assigned to my district.  Then he showed me a patch with one half depicting a US aircraft carrier, and the other half depicting a bat with the caption “China’s Newest Carrier.”  He said Jeanne’s son made the patch.  I told him to (Expletive Deleted) off.  First of all, it was disrespectful to the crew of the Theodore Roosevelt.  Second, it is racist to refer to COVID-19 as the Chinese Virus. Especially when there are more cases in the US.  Third, China’s upcoming carriers are nothing to laugh at.  That man just smiled and said, ‘Somebody needs a great big hug.’  I wonder how many people her campaign is infecting?”

Colby, a resident of Paris, IL, claims one of her former classmates tried to canvass on behalf of Ives:

“When I heard him saying I should resign my checkbook to Jeanne Ives, I lost it.  I said: ‘Billy Bo Bob, that doesn’t make any sense, and you’re going to get everyone in Edgar County infected and waste all those months we stayed at home.’  When he said he wasn’t afraid of the flu, I said this is worse than the flu and that Jeanne may sound like a downstater, but she’s really a Chicago politician.  He said he wanted to kill me, but he was going to tell the Edgar County Watchdogs on me instead.  I said the only thing he was going to do was get them killed.  Then I said he should stay off their website because they don’t even have the brains to understand all the law books they’ve been reading!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for the Ives campaign would neither confirm nor deny the existence of canvassers:

“Jeanne Ives is holding a perfectly legal BBQ at our campaign headquarters, and there are no Chicago-style hot dogs here.  We are eating Oscar-Myer hotdogs with ketchup and we’re going to call it the Wheaton Dog.  Checkmate Chicago liberals!”

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Representative Sean Casten’s campaign  had no comment about the Ives canvassers:

“We are responsibly campaigning for Sean because he cares about the residents of the district and he believes in science.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put on my biohazard suit before I deliver our yard signs.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors Without Planets deploy to Peotone UFO Base
Bolingbrook mayoral candidate Jackie Traynere holds Zoom meeting with weredogs
Naperville mayor denies bidding to host the ‘American Heroes’ garden
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/8/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Guest Opinion: IF…then more Americans would be alive today. (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion first published as a Twitter thread by Representative Sean Casten from the Illinois Sixth Congressional District:

Lest we lose sight of why this is happening, and why the US has more deaths than any other country, we need to review how Trump and the @GOP got us to this point. Adjusting for both population and for the fact that the US surge started later, the statistics are damning.
If Trump hadn’t shut down the pandemic response task force, more Americans would be alive today.
If the CDC hadn’t botched their initial tests, and/or used WHO tests that were being used by other countries, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump had listened to scientists and focused on what was true, rather than engaging in magical thinking and lies, more Americans would be alive today.
If FEMA would have coordinated the federal response and distributed materiel according to need rather than personal favors, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have used the Defense Production Act to coordinate the federal response instead of relying on some fetishized, Ayn Rand theory of economics, more Americans would be alive today.
If Trump would have let public health experts take control of public communications during a public health crisis instead of spewing deadly misinformation, more Americans would be alive today.
If the @GOP‘s efforts to repeal the ACA had succeeded, fewer Americans who have contracted COVID would have had insurance, and even more Americans would be dead today.
If the US House in the 116th Congress hadn’t given ourselves the authority to defend the ACA after the Attorney General refused to defend the laws of the United States, the ACA would not exist and even more Americans would be dead today.
If Trump goes ahead with his plan to cut federal funding for COVID-19 testing, more Americans are going to die.
If Trump’s brief to the Supreme Court last night to throw out the ACA succeeds, more Americans are going to die.
And the @GOP is with him. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.

(Find articles and reference material for each point on the Twitter thread at this link: https://twitter.com/SeanCasten/status/1276498854439985155?s=20

Illinois Policy Institute to release nuclear war economic recovery plan (Fiction)

File photo of a Mushroom Cloud.

The Illinois Policy Institute, (according to sources with relatives connected to the organization), will release a nuclear war economic recovery plan.

Excerpts from the plan place a high priority on keeping businesses open during a nuclear strike and in the immediate aftermath:

“The fallout from closing the economy would be worse than nuclear fallout.  We must make the public feel this way too.”

The report recommends that Illinois’ conservative outlets downplay the dangers of nuclear war, such as radioactive fallout, blast damage, and nuclear winter.  Instead, they should emphasize the “benefits” of a nuclear war.  The first benefit is the “incineration of Springfield, IL, and the Chicago Political Machine.”  Other benefits cited include: “the likely suspension of federal taxes” and “the transfer of power from unelected bureaucrats to motorcycle militias.”

The report adds:  “If you don’t count fatalities in Aurora, Chicago, Rockford, The Quad Cities, Springfield, and East St. Louis, most real residents of Illinois should be just fine.” 

The state government, instead of promoting what the report calls “policies that promote hiding in basements,” should counter “liberal fear-mongering” and keep the economy open:

“Chicago liberals say a nuclear blast can blind people because it is as bright as the sun.  Well, we have a sun, and most of us aren’t blind.  So instead of looking away from a nuclear blast, we encourage the public to go to their favorite restaurant and bar to celebrate the death of cosmopolitan liberalism!”

The report also recommends that the top priorities following a nuclear war should be enacting an income tax holiday for anyone making over $1,000,000 a year, suspension of all union contracts, canceling all gun laws, switching to cryptocurrency, ending all environmental regulations, and encouraging employment by canceling unemployment benefits.

“We need people to cut our hair, clean our shelters, and protect us from BLM/Antifa hoodlums.  They’re not going to help us if they’re collecting unemployment checks, afraid of getting radiation poisoning, or think they’re going to freeze to death.  By enacting these simple policy recommendations, we can ensure prosperity for Illinois’ billionaires, which they may share with the rest of the survivors.”

One of the sources claims that IPI will lobby Bolingbrook to include their recommendations in the Bolingbrook emergency plan.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said:  “Every Christian and Islamic leader in Bolingbrook is going to pray for a safe Village Picnic.  I even got the Naperville Unitarian Church to light a candle for us.  Charlene, you said you were going to reach out to the area Jewish denominations.  How did that go?”

“I got Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox rabbis to bless the Village Picnic.  The Reconstructionist rabbi read a blessing, but then said it really meant we shouldn’t hold a mass gathering during a pandemic.”

“Whatever.  What about the humanist rabbis?”

The first synagogue I tried was a no go.  I couldn’t get past the office manager.  He laughed at me and said I gave him material for his next monolog.  The second rabbi said something about ethics, coronavirus, and her Sunday School before hanging up on me.”

“Three out of five isn’t bad in this case.  Now I can say I did all I could to have a higher power prevent the picnic from becoming a super spreader event.”

“Actually, The Temple of Set has a Pylon in Bolingbrook.  I could—” 

“No!”

Also in the Babbler:

Jeanne Ives unleashes hand-shaking homicidal canvassers against Rep. Sean Casten
Space Force considers building its own base in Bolingbrook
Trump cancels speech at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/24/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Space Force attacks Chicagoland UFO Bases and aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Content notice:  References to Fascism.

The United States Space Force launched a surprise attack against Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases in Bolingbrook, Palatine, and Peotone.  All three bases reported heavy damage, but no causalities.  The attack lasted for three hours before President Trump declared victory and ordered an end to the attack.

A Space Force press release said the attack was part of Operation Shattered Glass:

“This morning, Space Force launched a successful operation against Space Antifa and the far Left Mayors who refused to stand up to them.  The alien anarchists have suffered a massive defeat due to the ingenious tactics of President Donald Trump.  He is the leader of the best humans and the best civilization in the Universe.  Let those who oppose his greatness suffer greatly!  MAGA.”

The alien media encampment near Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base suffered the heaviest damage.  According to sources, five hypersonic missiles hit the base, and Space Force Interceptors attacked UFOs belonging to interstellar media organizations.

“I told them I was a pilot with the Galactic News Thoughtwork,” said Algotoc.  “Their response was to lock their weapons on me and fire.  Let me tell you, they can sure pack a punch against a civilian ship.  I was lucky that I didn’t crash into downtown Barrington. Before I reached the landing bay, the (Space Force pilot) apologized for failing to send us ‘fake news’ beings to hell.”

Interceptors from Rob Sherman UFO Base eventually chased away the Space Force craft. The Palatine Aliens Affairs Unit convinced residents that the explosions were illegal fireworks.

Space Force bombers also attacked one of Peotone’s landing bays, rendering it inoperable:

“They hit just as the force fields were recycling,” said Dockworker Peter Z. Stevens.  “We had enough power to save the crew, but not enough to protect the cargo containers.  Those (expletive deleted) bombers just set back 10G deployment in Chicago by 20 years!”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere was at Peotone during the attack but was unharmed.  She released a statement to the interstellar media:

“You can drop incendiary bombs near me, and you can make incendiary remarks about me on social media all you want.  I will always be anti-fascist, and I will always believe that black lives matter!” 

Space Force troops used their base in Bolingbrook to launch an attack against Clow UFO Base, which is currently sealed off due to the COVID-19 pandemic.  Members of the so-called “Doomsday Crew,” who remain sealed inside Clow, reported they had received messages from Space Force troops demanding to be let in to stop the “Antifa riots” inside:

“There were no rioters inside,” said a crew member who asked to remain anonymous.  “We don’t get to say that every day at Clow UFO Base.  Anyway, we’ve had some aliens kneel for about nine minutes to protest the death of George Floyd.”

The crew member later added, “Before I was sealed inside Clow, being anti-fascist was considered a moral position, and stopping the spread of deadly infectious diseases was a no-brainer.  Now I look outside and wonder if the world is burning just like a Reichstag fire?”

The crew confirmed that although parts of Clow were “compromised,” the attackers didn’t reach the crew.  Clow’s automated defenses and Men in Blue were able to stop the Space Force’s advance.  Members who spoke to this reporter say the plan is to disinfect those areas of Clow and reseal them.

Sources within the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs agree that Trump called off the attack after talking to Claar.  Claar explained that the Interstellar Commonwealth, the New World Order, and the Illuminati could consider the attacks to be an act of war.  Claar then explained that the Commonwealth’s military could obliterate everyone one of his properties in seconds, and both secret societies could wipe out all of his wealth as well.  Trump still hesitated to call off the attack until Claar offered to host the 2020 Republican National Convention at Bolingbrook High School.

Claar allegedly asked:  “What do you have to lose?”

Bolingbrook officials privately are not sure how Bolingbrook High School will be able to host the Republican National Convention.  One official did say: “We’ll try our best, and when things go wrong, Roger will blame (Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz).”

When reached for comment, Claar replied:  “I have a message for the roaming gangs of looters.  You can take my restaurants.  You can take my stores, but you will never take my Golf Club!”

Also in the Babbler:

Ghosts join protesters in Chicago
Mayor Claar orders all weredeer removed from Bolingbrook
Naperville police fail to arrest Mothman rioter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/4/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Village replacing furloughed workers with wereskunks (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook denies it is using wereskunks to replace furloughed village employees:

Mayor Roger Claar’s memo announcing furloughs.

“There’s no such thing as wereskunks,” said Village Clerk Carol Penning.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the paperwork that proves (Mayor Roger Claar) can furlough any union employee he wants!  Why can’t people trust Roger instead of filing silly grievances?”

Despite the denials, some residents still claim that the village is employing wereskunk as temporary workers.

Dominique, a village employee who asked that we not use her real name, claims a wereskunk is covering her job:

“I was walking past Carol’s office and heard growling and things being tossed.  Then I heard Carol say: ‘Wrock, I’m giving you a choice: You can tear up that small pile of papers, or you can file them, and I will give you twice as much paper to devour.’  I know she was talking to a wereskunk.  Roger said he was reducing the staff to emergency levels, and then he hires wereskunk to replace us.”

Stephanie, a resident who did not provide her last name, claims a wereskunk employed by the village visited her:

“He was so rude!  First, he nearly scared me to death by approaching my home in his monstrous form.  Then he knocked on my door so hard that he nearly destroyed it.  He warned me not to let the storm drain get clogged, or he would flush my home down it.  I pointed a gun at him and told him he should leave.  He said it was against the law to harm a village employee.  Then he devoured my trash bags and tossed garbage all over my front yard.”

Stephanie added that she complained to Claar about the incident:

“Roger said he would look into it.  He also kept dropping references to his political “foes” and how well funded they are.  I told him I couldn’t afford to donate to his campaign fund, and he said not to worry because he would eventually talk to the employee.  I hate our Roger tax!”

An anonymous village employee confirmed that Claar hired wereskunk to temporarily replace the furloughed workers:

“We have saved up enough money to hire a new Building Commissioner.  Yes, there’s a hiring freeze, but Roger needs to make exceptions sometimes.  We just need employees who we can pay with garbage instead of cash.  You don’t want the board to pass another tax increase, do you?”

The person insisted that the furloughed employees would be brought back by no later than Phase 5 of Illinois’ reopening plan.

“Like Roger told me:  When life gives you a Coronavirus, make Corona beer.  I’m not going to argue with him.”

When reached for comment, a receptionist said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed:

“I’m thankful to still have a job serving the wonderful residents of Bolingbrook.”

In the background, Drake’s “Nonstop” played.

A man who sounded like Claar said:  “Charlene, did Bill Mayer really make this deep fake video?  My eye color is all wrong!”

Charlene replied: “No.  Officially, it was authorized by the Bob Bailey Project.”

“Bailey Project?”

“They claim to be former supporters who now want you removed from office.”

“Those turncoats!”

“But—”

“But?”

“They’re really funded by Jeff Bezos.”

“Bezos?  Oh my God!  That means—”

“Yep.  Don’t count on having the largest campaign fund if you decide to run for reelection next year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler mourns the loss of over 100,000 lives to COVID-19
Russian bot seeks asylum in Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group
Claar orders Coronavirus testing for aliens
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.