Canada Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on the anti-vaccine mandate protest in Ottawa.
The Bolingbrook Babbler
The truth is unbelievable!
Canada Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on the anti-vaccine mandate protest in Ottawa.
Several packs of weredogs clashed with wereskunks running a COVID pop-up testing site inside Bolingbrook Commons. Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs (DPA) arrested 25 weredogs and two wereskunks.
“Let us be clear,” said Belinda Z. Guerra, spokesperson for the DPA. “These were very bad dogs. They attacked entrepreneurial wereskunks trying to make a profit. These dogs will be punished!”
Bolingbrook officials confirmed that the test site, which had only been opened for a couple days, was a total loss due to the wereskunks “defensive spraying.” Guerra refused to comment on the reports but confirmed that the village was working to “deskunk” the storefront. He stated, “This is the one time the village is glad Bolingbrook Commons is mostly empty.”
Peter, who did not want his last name published, witnessed the attack while waiting for a test:
“It was horrible. First, this scruffy guy without a mask was shoving a cotton swab too far up my nose. Then I saw dozens of monster dogs charging at the clinic. The scruffy guy said I still owed him $500 for expedited testing. Then he turned into a monster skunk and lifted his tail. I sped away before I got sprayed or mauled.”
Beth, who declined to have her last name published, also witnessed the attack:
“When the attendant pulled a testing kit out of a trash can, I was starting to have a bad feeling. However, I was desperate: All the home kits are sold out, and have you seen the waiting lists at the other places? Anyway, the attendant turned into a giant skunk, and two giant dogs pounced on him. Another giant dog landed next to me. I screamed, but it sniffed me and said I didn’t have COVID. He did it for free and in the middle of a battle. What a nice monster dog!”
The weredogs released a statement claiming they were combating fraud:
“They weren’t testing the samples. They were stealing people’s private information and overcharging for free tests. They’re bad skunks. If the Village Board won’t stop them, we will!”
The wereskunks also released a statement claiming they are the real victims:
“Those dumb dogs attacked us because we were accepting the money and personal information residents were giving us. Bolingbrook has always been generous to our skunk cousins and us. While other suburbs encase their garbage in toters, Bolingbrook residents leave their garbage in easily accessible plastic bags. That’s why we always put Bolingbrook First!”
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied there was a weredog attack in Bolingbrook, or that the wereskunks were running a fake testing clinic:
“You should write about how I’m celebrating Law Enforcement Appreciation Day. Police risk their lives to keep Bolingbrook safe.”
Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer then entered the office and said: “Hey, Mayor Basta! Great post today, but you might want to lay off the Thin Blue Line imagery. There are other ways to show your appreciation besides using a flag that’s been co-opted by white supremacists and flown at the Insurrection.”
“Out!”
Also in the Babbler:
Clow UFO Base revokes day passes as Omicron spreads across Bolingbrook
Trustee Watts completes the Illuminati’s ‘Burning Mile’ rite
Former DuPage Township Trustee threatens to audit Palatine’s UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/22
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Note: Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the vaccinated. Experts also confirm that COVID-19 is not a bioweapon and Asian Americans are not responsible for the pandemic. For reliable information about COVID-19 in Illinois, go to https://dph.illinois.gov/covid19.html.
Bolingbrook resident Peter is involved in several community service groups, voted for Trump in 2016 and 2020, and is active in his church. Yet he hides a dark secret: He’s fully vaccinated against COVD-19.
“I thought I was doing my patriotic duty,” said Peter. “China launched a biological attack against us, and our President created a vaccine in record time. I took the shots to own the Commies and the libs. But my Facebook friends are resisting Trump’s greatest gift to humanity. It’s like conservatives no longer want to conserve human life.”
Peter is one of the majority of Bolingbrook residents who are fully vaccinated. But many vaccinated residents are afraid to speak out due to fear of harassment and violence.
Julie, a mother and long-time Bolingbrook resident, is frightened by what some of her neighbors are saying: “I know kids can get sick and die from COVID. That’s why I’m vaccinated, and why I just vaccinated my kids. But there are parents who value politics over biology. They want to empower bullies to shame my kids into removing their masks. A mother accused me of child abuse because we wore masks on our way to the car. It’s insane.”
Paula, a Bolingbrook police officer, is frightened by the propaganda she’s hearing from fellow law enforcement professionals: “COVID is the leading cause of death among officers. Yet I see officers posting anti-mask and anti-vaccination propaganda. It’s crazy. Can’t they see BLM is behind this? Since they can’t defund us, they’re trying to deplete us. The medical community is backing the blue by offering free vaccines.”
Despite pressure from a vocal minority, the Village of Bolingbrook is still supporting vaccination efforts. All residents, regardless of political affiliation, can request receiving a vaccine at home or at work. The Village also hosts a vaccine clinic every Wednesday by appointment from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm. Residents are also required to wear a mask when entering Village hall.
According to sources affiliated with Village, Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta will not let “outside agitators” endanger Bolingbrook. As one source explained: “Sure, wearing masks is annoying, and the usual vaccine side-effects are no fun for a couple days. But we’d rather keep our current residents, instead of replacing them.”
Another source added that while it is true some residents could survive COVID, unvaccinated residents can cost the village in other ways. She said: “Some people get Long Haul COVID, and can’t work. That strains our social services and deprives businesses of workers. Plus some studies suggest that COVID can accelerate the loss of brain matter. Some political leaders might want voters to be cognitively impaired, but not the First Party.”
Bolingbrook’s other political parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released statements supporting vaccination programs.
While most of the people interviewed feared for the future of Bolingbrook, Peter is optimistic. “This is our tribulation to determine who really supports Trump, and who is just an (expletive deleted). COVID will remove those unworthy of seeing Trump’s reinstatement. After the tribulation, we will all come together and combat Critical Race Theory.”
Also in the Babbler:
New alien implant teaches CRT to Valley View students
Moses appears in Buffalo Grove to promote COVID vaccines
Editorial: Fireworks and Santa don’t go together
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/18/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
By Reporter X
Chicagoland’s three UFO Bases independently announced plans to crackdown on alien carjackers.
According to various sources, aliens, disguised as young humans, are stealing cars and contributing to Chicagoland’s highest rate of carjackings in 20 years. Although most car thieves are human, a record number of aliens are participating in carjackings.
“Carjacking is not a human sport,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta. “It is not a fad, and it is not for alien tourists! I don’t want to be interrupted during a taping of the Bolingbrook Buzz to deal with an alien carjacker.”
Reid Ottesen, the administrator for both the Village of Palatine and Rob Sherman UFO Base, announced new rules restricting the movements of aliens visiting Cook County. The rules include mandatory inspections of all UFOs for stolen cars, and “Mildly invasive” searches of all aliens who return from “excursions” in Cook, Lake, or McHenry County.
“Humans are very attached to their cars,” said Ottesen. “So don’t even think of stealing one! Even if you promise to return it. Take only memories. Leave us only your landing and visitation fees.”
Peotone UFO Base announced a moratorium on the export of Earth cars until the “carjacking crisis is over.”
Part of the announcement stated: “There is no truth to the rumor that humans will destroy all their cars in order to save their planet. Cars, in one form or another, will be around until at least the 22nd Century or human extinction, whichever comes first. If you want a sound investment, consider investing in bitcoin instead.”
Many aliens have expressed disappointment in the new restrictions. Goplost, a resident of the Bartz Empire, is one of them. He stated:
“I filled out all the forms so I could get my own mobile carbon monoxide generator, and now I can’t ship it because someone is worried I stole it. It wasn’t stolen… It was just sitting on a driveway. No one was in it.”
Zopl, who refused to reveal her home planet, defends carjacking:
“You guys hunt animals. I hunt dirty human machines. It’s more thrilling fighting an armed human inside a car than it is shooting a defenseless deer. Plus I’m helping to control the car population, which needs culling far more than the deer population does.”
A receptionist for Mayor Alexander-Basta said she was too busy to comment, as she was attending the reopening of the Bolingbrook Walmart and would be back after the Babbler’s deadline.
In the background, a woman who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts, said: “I just got off the phone with (Name Redacted).”
A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer replied: “I guess he really didn’t like my campaign strategy for 2023.”
“I want to hear it in your own words.”
“Sure. First, we merge with Bolingbrook United and make you the leader of the new United Independent Voices of Bolingbrook party.”
“Isn’t that a contradiction?”
“You’re over-thinking it. Anyway, then I’ll arrange for an anti-vaccination slate to run in the First Party’s primary.”
“You want to promote anti-vaccination candidates? But you still wear biohazard suits indoors— and how many booster shots have you had?”
“I’ve lost count, and you can never be too cautious with COVID. But I don’t want the slate to win. I just want them to drive Republicans out of Mayor Mary’s Party.”
“But Roger—”
“Then I’ll upload a deep fake video of the Mayor Emeritus endorsing our slate. Victory will be secured.”
“(Name Redacted) is right. You are unethical.”
“Maybe, but 2023 could be Bolingbrook’s last free election. You don’t want to end up outside of Village Hall before US Democracy falls, do you?”
“But even if your evil plan worked, we’d only control half the village board and Mayor Mary would have the tie-breaking vote.”
“But by 2023, I should have a militia ready to—”
Watts then shouted: “La! La! La! I can’t hear you. Jesus loves me. S.T.E.M. is good!”
Also in the Babbler:
Aliens volunteer to canvas for Rep. Sean Casten
Publisher of Bolingbrook Reporter to trademark ‘Let’s go Brandon’
Rep. Garcia performs the Illuminati Rite of Gratitude for Rep. Newman
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Photo of an alleged anti-vaccination alien taken in Palatine.
By Reporter X
The Palatine Police Department’s Interstellar Division began a campaign to arrest and/or kill members of an alien anti-vaccine terrorist cell operating in the greater Palatine area.
Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division, spoke during an interstellar press conference. She stated:
“These aliens aren’t just asking questions. They’re spreading deadly doubts among our Republican residents. They’re not speaking propaganda in order to help Conservatives. They’re trying to frighten us into extinction with their anti-vaccination propaganda. Let’s be clear. No humans means no Republican Party and no Village of Palatine! We can’t have that.”
Officers displayed images of aliens they claim are members of the interstellar terrorist group KuKPu’K. KuKPu’K operatives travel across the galaxy spreading anti-vaccine propaganda to dissuade sentient beings from receiving vaccines. Once a civilization loses herd immunity, operatives will either release a deadly disease that has a vaccine or subvert efforts to provide vaccines to citizens against an existing pandemic.
In one of their holovids, shown at the press conference, a hooded leader insists they are doing the universe a favor:
“We are not anti-vaccine. We are the vaccine against stupidity. Any species that refuses to vaccine its offspring against deadly diseases deserves extinction. Any species that believes RNA vaccines re-write DNA should not be allowed to reproduce. Any species that believes in freedom and liberty without responsibility doesn’t deserve membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth. You’re welcome!”
Blake also showed enhanced photos of aliens organizing protests against mask mandates and spreading false propaganda about COVID-19. She then produced a doorbell camera video of an alien, disguised as a human, canvasing a subdivision in Palatine. The dialogue in the video went like this :
Alien: Good day human breeder, I mean parent.
Resident: Why shouldn’t I shoot you now?
Alien: Because I’m here to warn you about the COVID vaccine.
Resident: You don’t have to warn me. I watch Fox news. I know it rewrites your DNA, with RNA—
Alien: Not to mention that it renders its victims unable to fire their guns, and implants Critical Race Theory in your mind.
Resident: That sounds right, therefore I know it’s right. Why didn’t Fox News tell me? Oh no, they’re in on it too! I’ve got to buy another gun. You are a true patriot!
Blake concluded by reminding the media that it is a capital offense for any human to knowingly conspire with KuKPu’K:
“We will investigate anyone suspected of being in league with KuKPu’K.”
Blake then coughed in a way that sounded like she was saying “Aaron Del Mar.“
Palatine Township Highway Commissioner Aaron Del Mar, who participated in an anti-mask mandate rally in Palatine, could not be reached for comment.
A receptionist for Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz said he was attending an important meeting with the police union and could not be disturbed.
“We don’t have an interstellar division,” stated the receptionist. “I think you need a permit to waste the mayor’s time with silly questions. Let me check.”
In the background, a man said: “Let me get this straight. If we take these two shots, they will strengthen our natural immunity against COVID?”
A man who sounded like Schwantz replied, “Yes. Think of it as a pre-season training camp for team immunity. The Dallas Cowboys and Chicago Bears don’t go into a season without a training camp. Now some politicians want you to take four injections of artificial antibodies—”
“We’re not going to let some politician replace our God-given immunity. We’re going to take these immunity-boosting shots. You may be a politician, your honor, but you’ve earned our trust.”
“Thanks,” Schwantz replied. “If you can’t trust a Fremd graduate, who can you trust?”
Also in the Babbler:
Misogynistic Weredeer arrested for protesting International Daughters Day
Ghost pharaoh visits Bolingbrook’s village hall
DuPage Township sponsors Mercury trip for elderly aliens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
A photo from 1999 of the Hidden Lakes Monster.
Bolingbrook’s Hidden Lakes Monster threw a temper tantrum after learning about the possible sale of both the Hidden Lakes Nature Center and Hidden Lakes to the Will County Forest Preserve District. Three Will County staff cryptozoologists and two members of the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs suffered minor injuries when the creature bumped into them.
“I don’t think she meant to hurt us,” said Beth Z. Delmar, a lake monster specialist employed by the Village. “She was just upset by the news. I would be too.”
Hidden Lakes is the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster. The half-duck, half-sea serpent creature is believed to be the sole surviving member of its species. Workers accidentally opened the cavern it was living in during the contraction of the four lakes that make up Hidden Lakes. While most of the lakebed is shallow, some parts are up to a mile deep. The creature sleeps in the deepest areas, then ventures to the shallow areas to eat weeds and plants. Despite some accusations, no one has provided convincing proof that the creature has ever killed a human or eaten meat.
During its tantrum, the creature splashed water with its tail and made its unique sound, described as a combination of a hiss and a quack. Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar, awoken by the sound, drove to Hidden Lakes to scold the creature.
According to eyewitnesses, Claar told the creature she was too expensive to continue to take care of.
Claar allegedly said: “COVID infected the Parks District’s covert budget and they need to make cuts. This time they can’t issue another bond and then and pass it off as a tax cut. They have to make real cuts, and I’m not sorry, but invisible playground equipment for alien children is a better investment than you! Now go to sleep and be happy that we didn’t cut you up instead!”
The creature responded by coiling around Claar and pulling him into the water towards the deep end. It stopped when Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere arrived. Alexander-Basta summoned the creature, who complied, and dragged Claar to near the shore.
“I’m sorry,” Alexander-Basta allegedly said. “You may have hidden from my staff, but you must think of us as family. That’s why you’re so upset. You think you’re going to lose your family and your home. Let me assure you that you’re staying right here. I’ll still visit you every week, and so will the residents. You’ll just have different people taking care of you, that’s all.”
“I’ll be in charge of them,” added Traynere. “You might not remember me, but when I was a little girl, I got lost and you guarded me until my parents came. My parents thanked you with some very special birdseed. I brought some for you today.”
As the creature ate the birdseed, Traynere added: “I’m the one who authorized the tunnel between Hidden Lakes and Lake Whalon. Do you like it?”
The creature joyfully quacked.
“Good. I insisted that they fill the lakebed with your favorite plant. It cost extra, but you like it, right?”
The creature lifted Claar and used his body to splash water on Traynere.
“I know that splash,” Traynere replied with a smile. “Yes there will be changes, but I think that a better-funded and more experienced governmental body can improve your home.”
Alexander-Basta then walked up to the creature, holding two bags of birdseed:
“You let the Mayor Emeritus go, and I’ll give you these two bags, plus twenty more.”
The creature released Claar. After consuming the bags whole, it submerged and swam away.
Alexander-Basta helped Claar up, and said: “This is why Bolingbrook needs me as a mayor.”
Neither Claar nor Traynere could be reached for comment.
A receptionist answered Alexander-Basta’s phone and said she was dealing with a “tense situation.”
In the background, a man with a downstate accent said, “You must tell your Clerk to fulfill these 1000 FOIA requests within five days, or she must resign.”
A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “Well, I’m happy to serve you the papers—“
“It’s a trap!” yelled the man. “You’re working for Bonnie!” The man ran away.
“I don’t know who Bonnie is, but apparently she likes to serve too.”
Also in the Babbler:
Russians spare Bolingbrook from Hurricane attack
Last alien visitors from Afghanistan arrive at Clow UFO Base
Village Attorney confirms that the Bolingbrook Police cannot declare political parties illegal
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Internet theater critic Sheri O. Roland must’ve believed she was watching a play when she reviewed the 8/24/21 Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. She wrote:
“This is not a production worth dying for. If you have to catch COVID, catch it by attending a Nickelback cover band concert. It will be more entertaining.”
According to the review, Roland believed she was reviewing a play called “Positively Charged” staged by the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook. The League isn’t a theater company but instead is an anonymous group of performance artists that “reappropriates” mundane events in Bolingbrook. They infamously “reappropriated” the 6/9/09 and the 4/25/17 board meetings into the play, “Village of the Bored.” Their last performance was “Restaurants Matter More Than You” in 2020 which was staged in a Bolingbrook restaurant that violated the pandemic indoor dining ban.
While the League’s announcements are banned from both Bolingbrook Events sites, some people, like Roland, are fooled into attending their “performances.”
During the 8/24/21 meeting, the Village Board announced the winners of 2021’s Bolingbrook’s Citizens of the Year awards and honored the retiring owners of Family Square Restaurant. In her review, Roland described the announcements as “wasted plot points.”
“We have a woman who overcomes paralysis to become an advocate for LGTQ+ residents. We have a photographer with fearless children. We have two guys who traveled all the way from Greece to serve cream of chicken soup to the suburbs. Each story could have been a separate play. Instead, we’re treated to bland narration, and the characters themselves are hardly speaking. The Greek characters had the stage stolen from them by the Mayor Emeritus character. I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a ‘Mayor Emeritus.’ Did the writer not know the difference between a mayor and a professor?”
Roland described Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s “performance” as “competent, but uninspiring.” She also described Trustee Michael Lawler as “playing a role that started out as comic relief but was rewritten at the last minute—Which was too bad, because this play could have used some comic relief. The background characters should be cut because they don’t advance the plot at all.”
The ending, according to Roland, “fell apart,” and never recovered:
“Here we get the reading of invoices and rules that are never debated. I thought we would finally see some drama when a letter accusing the main characters of poisoning Bolingbrook surfaced. Instead, that’s laughed off. The bit about Bolingbrook losing power could have been an exciting twist. Instead, it’s a line that should have been thrown away along with the rest of the script.”
She concludes her review by writing: “I can’t tell if this play is a depiction of an authoritarian dystopia or a piece of anti-democratic propaganda that denies debate and tries to inject the audience with a lethal dose of reckless positivity. Either way, it doesn’t work. I appreciate a suburb attempting to stage an original theatrical production during a deadly pandemic. Sadly, in the end, it’s just like watching a cover band concert. It tastes good, but the experience just doesn’t satisfy you like the original band’s performance would. The only good thing about this production is the immersive sets. Sometimes I really thought I was in a government building.”
Roland refused to be interviewed for this story.
When asked to comment, Alexander-Basta replied: “The critics said I would be Roger’s puppet and lose reelection. Well—”
In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “Hurry up! WeatherTech wants to talk to us about building ten new helicopter pads by their factory.”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” replied Alexander-Basta. “Now if I were a puppet, I wouldn’t have told our Mayor Emeritus to wait a minute. Checkmate, foes of Bolingbrook!”
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)
By Reporter X
To combat the spread of the COVID-19 Delta Variant near Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta ordered UFO crews to offer vaccines to their abductees.
“Nature has declared war on Bolingbrook,” said Alexander-Basta during a press conference with members of the interstellar media. “Administering the vaccine is the key to dealing Nature a humiliating defeat!”
Starting immediately, any UFO licensed through Clow to abduct humans must offer either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines. Abductees are free to refuse the vaccine, but must still submit to the researcher’s procedures. Clow is the first UFO Base on Earth to mandate UFO crews to attempt to administer shots.
“Only just over half of our residents are fully vaccinated,” said Alexander-Basta. “That’s not good enough. We’re holding pop-up clinics and even going to people’s homes to give them the shot. Yet people are still hesitant to get vaccinated. Even (Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s) propaganda pieces—I mean social media posts— aren’t enough to overcome some of our residents’ reluctance.”
Alexander-Basta feels that aliens might be uniquely qualified to overcome vaccine hesitancy:
“If you don’t trust me, or my TV show, or your doctor, or President Biden, or President Trump, you might trust a member of an interstellar civilization. They probably know more about your physical health than you do.”
Alexander-Basta then introduced a man wearing a mask and a hooded robe that she identified as a member of the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway. He attacked the vaccine-resistant as “foes of Bolingbrook and humanity.”
“I’m sick of staying in my pod. I’m sick of wearing a cloth mask when I’m not performing rituals, but most of all, I’m sick of the pro-COVID death cult in my party! They claim to be pro-freedom, but I have news for you: Death isn’t freedom! Dust to Dust? That’s communism! Do you think letting the weak die is masculine? (Expletive deleted!) That’s like saying, ‘I carry a gun because I don’t want thugs to hurt me, but I don’t care about my family!’ How far would the gun rights activists have gotten if we’d made that argument? You say you’re not going to take the vaccine because you don’t know every ingredient in the shot? Do you know the ingredients in all the COVID treatments? They’re under the same emergency use authorization as the vaccines! Do you think there’s a tracking chip in the vaccine? You’re not important enough to be tracked! And if we did want to track you, we’d track your smartphone! Just like the New World Order did during the insurrection! Trump is vaccinated! Mayor Mary is vaccinated! Everyone in the Fox News studios is vaccinated! Don’t be one of those selfish hippies with a US Flag patch. Get vaccinated, or get out of my village!”
As the man left the stage, he said to Alexander-Basta, “This is why you need a Mayor Emeritus.”
Following the announcement, Bolingbrook’s opposition parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released a joint statement criticizing her order:
“While we agree that the vaccines are safe and save lives, and encourage vaccination, abductees are not in a position to give their consent. Abductees are in a state of mind similar to sleep paralysis. They can’t consent to major medical decisions in that state of mind. Plus let’s not forget why they are called abductees. For decades, the First Party of Bolingbrook has tolerated the kidnapping of residents for outdated experiments and profited from licensing fees. Some of us have always opposed this policy. Some of us didn’t always oppose this policy. One of us supported the policy before opposing it. Now all of us are united in our opposition!”
When reached for comment, Alexander-Basta laughed and asked this reporter to join her for a video chat with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. When Spencer logged in, Alexander-Basta accused her of creating a front group called Suburban Residents for Higher Government.
Alexander-Basta: You won’t believe the trouble I went through to get your video pulled off of YouTube.
Spencer: What video?
Alexander-Basta: Don’t play dumb with me young lady. You know exactly which video I’m talking about. The one you uploaded from our guest Wi-Fi network.
Spencer: As a taxpaying resident of Bolingbrook, I’ve used the Village Center WiFi to upload many videos. You need to be more specific.
Alexander-Basta: I’m talking about the one that accuses me of controlling the distribution of a deadly drug that kills 95,000 people annually, is more addictive than cannabis, causes organ failure, and drains a quarter of a trillion dollars from the economy every year.
Spencer: Well, since you’re the mayor, that also makes you the Local Liquor Control Commissioner. So technically—
Alexander-Basta ended the call.
Also in the Babbler:
Sentient COVID-19 Delta variant insists it was born in India, not China
Scientist predicts if nothing changes, COVID-19 will wipe out most Republicans by 2024.
UFOs escaping Afghanistan land at Clow UFO Base
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week.
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
By Reporter X
Aliens from across the galaxy flocked to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base to celebrate the official reopening of its restaurants.
“It’s been a hard year,” said Clow Administrator and Mayor-elect Mary Alexander-Basta. “Outside of Clow, we’re still not out of the woods. The risk of unvaccinated humans getting infected is still high. Inside Clow, however, every staff member is vaccinated, and most of our visitors are either immune or vaccinated. So we can safely reopen everything! So let’s a take a moment to mourn the dead, then celebrate our survival!”
Festivities included a flyover by the Unidentified Ariel Phenomena team, a team of aliens who like to spy on the US military. While the team have attacked other less advanced civilizations, they insist they have no hostile intentions towards Earth.
“Sure we like to play ‘war games,’” said Goldst Postu, leader of the team. “But Earth is under the protection of the Interstellar Commonwealth, so all we can do is admire your primitive military. It would be fun to take on the US military. We love a good sporting war. If we don’t fight primitive militaries, they’ll attack each other. That’s bad for all the civilians on a planet. Too bad the Commonwealth doesn’t understand that. ”
One of the most popular places to reopen was the Weathertech Restaurant, where scraps from the Bolingbrook factory are transformed into culinary dishes. While all of the dishes are unfit for human consumption, it is a popular interstellar tourist attraction. For the reopening, visitors waiting in line received free Mat Soup served in edible cups.
Lozgolz , who traveled from across the Milky Galaxy for the reopening, said: “Weathertech’s plastic dishes are great. I wish humans could enjoy the taste of Weathertech instead of just using their plastic for containers and mats.”
Joshie Berger, owner of Worst to First and winner of the second season of Worst Cooks in America, had the loudest reopening celebration. Berger started by delivering a long winded rant to the first guests. He accused “feminists” and “Mother Nature” of trying to “cancel” him:
“I may have lost income and a guest rogue spot on the (Skeptics Guide to the Universe), but thanks to the Illuminati, I’m back and better than ever! But I’m not here to talk about the evil women who drove me out of the skeptical movement! I’m here to serve politically incorrect dishes, and deliver commentary that can’t be canceled!”
All the human guests complained about the “Gaslight Special” which included “Richard Carrier Bean Soup,” “Michael Shermer’s Grievance-free Cabbage Delight,” and “Ben Radford’s Ten Bean Delight.” Many complained about the smells from the dining area, but some complained about experiencing hallucinations.
Paula, who asked that her last name not be used, claimed she might have hallucinated: “I heard Richard Dawkins making transphobic remarks. When I complained to the waiter, he said Richard Dawkins wasn’t in the restaurant. Then Richard walked up to me and said he wasn’t there and if he was, I was misquoting him. I just paid my bill and went to the nearest oxygen bar to clear my head.”
On a video chat, a receptionist for Alexander-Basta said she was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.
In the background, Alexander-Basta, Trustee Sheldon Watts, Trustee Michael Carpanzano, and covert social media operative Charlene Spencer were sitting in a conference room.
Alexander-Basta said: “Okay. Sheldon has agreed to stop calling me a ‘trustee-mayor abomination’ because I will be resigning my trustee position. I agreed not to taunt him for the next year and a half. Now, Charlene and Michael, I think it is time to set aside your differences and work together to promote Bolingbrook and stand against the Bolingbrook United insurrection. It’s time to reunite Team Yin and Yang. What do each of you think?”
Carpanzano replied: “While my opponent brags about being evil, has questionable ties to the Dark Web, and should be banned for life from the Internet, I will refuse to engage in personal attacks, and work for the good of the village.”
Spencer replied: “While my opponent owes his success to intellectual property theft, and does a horrible Pollyanna impersonation, I will use my unique connections to promote Bolingbrook and fight our common enemy.”
Carpanzano countered: “While I can work in the same room as my opponent, I will not give her the pleasure of hearing her lies.” Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp and held it up to her face: “You are now carped.”
Spencer frowned and said: “While my opponent thinks he can ignore my truthful comments, I cannot be canceled.” She pulled out a rubber alligator gar from her purse and held it up to Carpanzano’s face: “I counter with my alligator gar!”
Alexander-Basta smiled. “This is a starting point.”
Also in the Babbler:
Roger Claar Party demands recount following fifth place finish
PZ Myers to open Bolingbrook restaurant that caters to spiders
Russia threatens to unleash April snow attack on Chicagoland
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/21/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
On March 11, 2020, The World Health Organization officially declared COVID-19 a pandemic. The same day, Dr. Fauci testified at a Congressional Hearing and was asked if the worst was yet to come.
He was right. Over 500,000 died in the US, and that’s probably an undercount. That’s still more than the number of US fatalities from WW II, Korea, and Vietnam combined.
The virus wasn’t the only terrible thing from the past year. Anti-science beliefs that once seemed confined to the fringes moved into mainstream politics. I still haven’t figured out the whole “The virus is a hoax and isn’t real, but it was made in a Chinese laboratory, so, therefore, we must be at all people of Asian descent, even if they have no ties to China.” The Republican Party discarded the facade of being responsible, patriotic defenders of life. They revealed themselves as dangerous overgrown preteen fans of Donald Trump, willing to endanger others to satisfy their selfish desires and throw insurrection tantrums if they didn’t get their way. One of my characters, Charlene Spencer, bragged about importing a book called Democracy is Dumb. That could just as easily be the motto of the Republican party. Some churches were willing to endanger their communities to make money, and the Supreme Court was willing to go along with it.
There was some good. There were also many protests against police brutality and racism. The vast majority were peaceful. What violence did occur was mostly initiated by governments, vigilantes, or infiltrators. Despite the distraction of the “defund the police” slogan, Black Lives Matter’s support improved among white Americans, and more whites were willing to learn about racism.
I was fortunate over the last year. To the best of my knowledge, I never had COVID, I was able to work remotely, and I lived in an area where I could practice social distancing. I wasn’t, however, untouched. I lost a family member to COVID, and I know people who were infected, including long haulers.
Looking forward, I hope the American Recovery Act and the vaccines move us to a new and hopefully better normal. I really do hope I can get the vaccine at some point in the new year.
But I also know that while Trump is facing legal issues, Trumpism is still going strong. With Congress closely divided and voter suppression efforts by the Republicans, the politicians inspired by Trump could make come back.
So, I have hope that things will get better, but the worst could still be yet to come. If we let it.