Bolingbrook First trustee candidate Maripat Oliver’s speech electrifies New World Order rally (Fiction)

Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver told a New World Order (N.W.O.) rally that she is the true heir to the Bolingbrook First party.

File photo of DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.

“I didn’t steal the Bolingbrook First party,” said Oliver to an enthusiastic audience of over 100 people.  “(Mayor Roger Claar) abandoned the Bolingbrook First Party.  I saved the Bolingbrook First party, and if I’m elected, I will save Bolingbrook from the Illuminati.”

Speaking at an N.W.O.  rally held under Nancy’s Pizza, Oliver told the enthusiastic audience that Claar’s political party, First Party for Bolingbrook, wasn’t responsible for what she called the “success of Bolingbrook.”  She also questioned the First Party’s commitment to Bolingbrook.

“All the parties are for Bolingbrook.  It doesn’t matter if you are the first, second, third, or fourth party to be for Bolingbrook.  What matters is that we will put Bolingbrook first. We’re the only party that will say that.”

Oliver did not mention the other opposition party, Bolingbrook United, but did say there were “good people” running for office besides her.  She also promised to maintain the Bolingbrook First party tradition of being “People friendly and business friendly.”

“I don’t know about you,” said Oliver.  “But compelling one business to dig a hole in the parking lot of another business is not an example of a business-friendly government.”  This was a possible reference to Andy’s Custard attempting to construct a second location in Bolingbrook at the suggestion of Claar.  Though planned to be completed in 2018, it is now slated for opening in 2019.

She also mentioned this year’s Bolingbrook Pride event.

“The Bolingbrook First Party was a major sponsor of Bolingbrook Pride, the first Gay Pride Event in Bolingbrook’s history.  The First Party for Bolingbrook nominated a man who refused to promote the event on his Bolingbrook events page until it was almost over.  Does nominating this man sound like something the Bolingbrook First party would do?”

The crowd yelled “no!”

A woman then yelled, “Actually—”

A Man in Black started to approach her.

“Never mind,” she said.

Oliver continued:

“Let’s talk about candidate Michael Carpanzano.  Did you know that when Michael was the Executive Director of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, he gave an award to (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz)?  That was back when Bob was on Roger’s good side.  Now that Roger doesn’t like Bob, Michael now doesn’t like Bob.  Community champion?  More like a suck-up to Roger champion.  That is not putting Bolingbrook first.  Uh oh.  I guess he’s going to block me.  Who hasn’t he blocked on Facebook?”

The crowd started chanting, “We will not be carped!”

She then mentioned First Party candidate Sheldon Watts:

“I know Sheldon loves to serve the community.  I hope someday he learns that serving Roger is not the same as serving Bolingbrook.”

Oliver admitted to her past affiliation with the Illuminati, but said she had learned from her mistake, and promised to “oppose the chaos they are inflicting on Bolingbrook.”

After concluding her speech, the public address system started playing Ministry’s song N.W.O.  She shook a few hands then stage dived and was crowd-surfed her around the auditorium.  When they returned her to the stage, she led a chant of “a new world order!”  When the chant ended, she said, “We supported Roger.  We’re not about to make that mistake again!”

Paulette, who asked that we not use her real name, said Oliver lifted her spirits:

“Between Trump and Roger, it’s been a hard two years for the Bolingbrook members of the N.W.O.  Now that we’ve liberated the Bolingbrook First party from Roger, I’m hopeful again.  We will reclaim Bolingbrook.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Before the rally, the crowd was entertained by a garbage toter drill team and a warm-up speech by current DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer.

“Roger sicced the dogs of Edgar County on our township.  When Maripat is elected, they will follower her to the village board meetings.  Let’s see how Roger feels when they scrutinize how his board conducts business.”

The First Party for Bolingbrook sent out the following statement following the rally:  “Sometimes we call ourselves Bolingbrook First. Sometimes we call ourselves the First Party.  We will always call ourselves the party of Mayor Roger Claar.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives Russian snow and rain attack
UFO traffic up at Clow UFO Base
Aliens spotted at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

The Roger Claar Party launches first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook (Fiction)

The Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, launched the first attack ad of 2019 campaign.  The ad accuses Claar’s official political party, now called First Party for Bolingbrook, of being disloyal to Claar.

The ad accuses the First Party’s current trustees of voting with Bolingbrook United Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz 99% of the time.  The ad also uses the party’s name in the last election, Bolingbrook First.

“Voters need to know the truth,” said David Nelson, chairman of the Roger Claar party.  “(First Party for Bolingbrook) would rather vote with the Anti-Roger, then support the greatest Mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.  

Charlene Spencer, Covert Social Media Operative for the First Party, says the percentage is correct but disputes the Roger Claar Party’s interpretation:

“We prefer to think that Bob votes with us 99% of the time,” said Spencer.  “It’s like an old TV show my grandparents used to watch.  In Bolingbrook, the First Party controls the horizontal and the vertical.  Bob’s just along for the ride.”

An anonymous source within Bolingbrook United denied that Bolingbrook United is working with the First Party:

“Only a Roger Claar fanatic would believe we’re in league with his party.  What this ad fails to take into account is that Bob has tried to put items on the agenda, but Roger refuses to put them on.  If Roger let the village board vote on Bob’s items, you would see the real contrast between us.”

The source also agreed that Jaskiewicz has voted with the other trustees close to 99% of the time:

“Most of the agenda items involve paying bills and mundane business necessary to keep the village running.  We’re not an obstructionist party.  Instead, we’ve tried to get our issues heard, despite Roger’s efforts to silence us.  We were responsible for the public forum on garbage toters.  We pressured Roger into sending a letter to Springfield urging the state to create sensible gun laws.  Bolingbrook United provides a voice to the residents who are not part of Roger’s political machine, no matter what he names it.”

Nelson insisted that Bolingbrook United and the First Party for Bolingbrook are working together:

“Jaime Olson runs the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.  (First Party Trustee candidate Michael Carpanzano) runs the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  Tell me that’s not evidence of coordination.”

The source insisted it wasn’t:

“Jaime started the Facebook group first.  Michael later started the Facebook page with the exact name without asking her.  As far as I’m concerned, he stole the idea from Jaime.  I could say more about him, but it would be unprintable.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not respond to the ad:

“Don’t you think if there really was a Roger Claar Party, that its members would have been jailed for electoral fraud years ago?”

In the background of the video chat, Spencer and a man who resembled Carpanzano walked into view.

“I don’t need your social media team,” said the man.  “If Facebook didn’t want us to block people, they wouldn’t have created the block button.”

Charlene replied:  “For normal people, yes.  But you’re a politician now.  Politicians have to at least pretend to be interested in what all their constituents have to say.  You might be able to block them, but you can’t block them offline—”

“Charlene, you may be smart, but you are young and naive.  You are talking to the man who passed off a tax increase as a tax cut.  Watch and learn.”

The man walked up to a woman.

“You must be Diane Kloepfer,” said the man.

“Yes.  You must know me from my posts in Bolingbrook Politics.”

“I know you as the woman who talked about running for office without Roger’s permission.”

The man pulled a rubber carp from his coat pocket, then held it up to her face.  A few moments later, he lowered the rubber fish and walked away.

“This is going to be a long campaign,” said Kloepfer.  

“Yes, it will be,” replied Charlene.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives Russian snow attack
New World Order takes over the Bolingbrook First party
Babbler announces the opening of the Palatine bureau.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/30/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Mayor Claar leads delegation to Bolingbrook’s sister planet (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Roger Claar visited Bolingbrook’s sister planet, Bogingabook, to mark the twentieth anniversary of their sisterhood agreement.

Crystal alien addressing an audience.

File photo of a resident of Bolingbrook’s sister planet.

“When I first heard that there was a planet with a name similar to Bolingbrook,” said Claar to the interstellar press corps, “It was as if the universe was telling me to make them a sister community to Bolingbrook.”

Claar also told the press that neither tax dollars, nor the village’s covert funds, were used to pay for the trip:  “I used my interstellar campaign fund to pay for this delegation.  There are constituents on this planet that I’d like to meet, and we have other campaign business to conduct…And no, it does not involve abducting residents and brainwashing them into voting for the Bolingbrook First Party!”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, who is running for reelection in 2019, recorded part of a campaign ad on Bogingabook:

“I love STEM and I love Bolingbrook,” said Watts, reading his lines.  “Not only was I mentored by Leroy Brown, but I’m also a nice guy.  I deserve your vote for Trustee in this election, and I am determined to do whatever it takes to make you vote for me.  I might even host a surprise event at your favorite restaurant, or canvass your home.  Whatever it takes to win, I will do, because this nice guy doesn’t believe in finishing last.”

Trustee Deresa Hoogland read Bolingbrook’s community announcements before an excited audience of 100,000 fans.

“You are the best silicon-based beings I have ever had the pleasure of reading to,” said Hoogland.  After minutes of cheering, she announced that she was not running for re-election.  “I understand that my true calling in life is to tour the Milky Way and read announcements. I love all of you!”

“We love you too,” replied one audience member.  “In a non-mating way!”

The delegation also visited a reception with the political leaders of Bogingabook.  While leaders and delegation members gave speeches full of pleasantries, there was some tension when Claar introduced himself to the son of Bogingabook’s former ambassador, Conlosi:

“Hello,” Claar said to Conlosi.  “Did you know that your father plagiarized Star Trek when he called my residents ‘ugly bags of water?’”

“It’s not plagiarism if it is a statement of fact,” replied Conlosi.  “Humans are up to 60% water and are undeniably ugly to us.  Besides, did you know that your offspring insulted my father?”

“My daughter didn’t insult your father,” replied Claar.  “She objectively pointed out that your father’s crystal brain was pretty, and I still agree with her.”

“If my father were still alive,” said Conlosi, “He would try to kill you for saying that.  Fortunately for you, my culture underwent a great gender revolution, and we are no longer obsessed with our reproductive appendages.  So I will make you feel better by imitating the sound that you call laughter.”

“Actually,” said Claar.  “I would feel more at ease if I made a small donation to your favorite interstellar charity.”

Claar then transferred credits to the charity.

“Where are your other trustee candidates,” asked Conlosi.

“They’re still getting their security clearances from the Illuminati.  It’s an expensive process, but we’ll work it out in the end.”

“Impressive!  You had a great expense but still donated money to my charity.  I must repay you by making a large donation to your interstellar campaign fund.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I insist.”

Claar accepted the donation.  Later he spoke with Watts:  “Sheldon, sisters communities are just like real sisters.  Some days they want to kill you.  Other days they love you as if you mean the world to them.”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents concerned as Venus citizens buy Bolingbrook homes
Palatine’s Mayor still in the dark about new UFO Base
Claar begs President Trump not to impose tariffs on Interstellar Commonwealth
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/22/18

Has it really been twenty years? (Non-fiction)

Twenty years ago this month, I was renting a basement room in Bolingbrook, not far from Mayor Roger Claar’s home. At some point during the evening, I wondered what writing a Weekly World News style tabloid would be like. So I wrote a story, added some HTML tags, and uploaded it to my personal web page. 

Bolingbrook Babbler 1999

Despite what a certain podcaster believes, the Babbler really does date back to the 1990s.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had written the first story of what would become the Bolingbrook Babbler and the start of the most extended writing project of my life. In the fifteen years I’ve actively been publishing, my stories have been praised by a Congressman, Bolingbrook politicians, and residents in the western suburbs.  Being accepted into the Freethought Blogs network was a great honor and a reflection on my stories.

When I started writing the Babbler, two of my interests were secular issues and speaking up about Roger’s near-total rule of Bolingbrook.

I became active in the skeptical and atheist movement and gained some notoriety. Some of my heroes at the time, including James Randi, praised my work.  When the great rifts started, I was surprised to learn that many of the people I had admired in the skepticism had views I found abhorrent. I may have lost some readers when I drifted away from the community, but I rediscovered humanism.  Once I was mildly critical of PZ Myers.  Now I’m proud to be a part of the network he helped create.   

Roger is still the Mayor of Bolingbrook, but now a member of the opposition party sits on the Village Board, and the Bolingbrook United party will be running a full slate in the April elections.  Bolingbrook residents finally have a choice at the ballot box for local elections.  Over the years, I’ve had some friendly meetings with Roger and some tense ones.  I’ve also received a couple of midnight emails from him.  I recall looking at my analytics program and realizing that someone from the Village Hall network went through almost every page of the Babbler.  (Somehow, a person from California managed to access the village network to view my pages.)  Today, I think we’ve learned to co-exist.  Still, the memory I will have of him is from a speech he made after winning a recent election by roughly 150 votes.  He divided Bolingbrook’s voters into “residents” and “foes.”  Instead of choosing to heal the wounds from that election, he sought to delegitimize his opponents.

It’s been an adventure, and I suspect there are more adventures ahead.  President Trump and his fellow authoritarians are threatening the pillars of our government. They are going so far as trying to delegitimize the last election.  The next election in Bolingbrook could be between those who want to be the next Roger Claar and those who wish to end one-party rule altogether.  Plus, there are lots of stories going on in Chicagoland, not just Bolingbrook.

I also want to thank my wife, who wishes to remain anonymous on these pages, for her help, her support, and for putting up with my writing schedule.  I love her, and we make a great team.

To my fans, old and new, I say thank you for your support, and I hope to keep writing the Babbler for at least another twenty years.  Although I may no longer live in Bolingbrook, I feel like part of me never left.

William Brinkman
The real person behind the Bolingbrook Babbler

Web Exclusive: ‘Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?’: A Babbler post-election special report (Fiction)

The following stories are from our team of reporters covering the 2018 mid-term elections:

Illuminati forsakes Mayor Roger Claar

When the Illuminati’s expected coup didn’t happen on election night, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the Illuminati’s Inner Circle during his watch party.

“Where’s my (expletive deleted) coup?” Claar yelled.  “You promised me a coup, and I promised Alyssia Benford she would be appointed to the emergency Illinois legislature!  What do you mean you canceled it?”

According to sources within the Illuminati, the Inner Circle canceled their coup plans due to resistance from the New World Order, and the belief that they could create more chaos with a Democratic-controlled House and a Republican-controlled Senate.

“We like Roger,” said an Illuminati leader who asked remain anonymous.  “He did give us Clow UFO Base.  However, we’re not in the business of rewarding our allies.  We’re in the business of creating global chaos that we can exploit.  The voters in the United States presented us with an opportunity, and we decided to exploit it.”

Other Illuminati leaders agreed and added that they were delighted with Benford’s efforts to disrupt the DuPage Township.

“She does have a future in the Illuminati,” said another anonymous leader.  “Maybe after she finishes destroying the Township we can find a new opportunity for her.  As for Roger, we think this election will provide him with plenty of opportunities to slam Democrats.  He should be happy that he can now attack the County Clerk, Treasurer, and Sheriff as well as Commissioner Jackie Traynere.”

Benford refused to be interviewed unless she wrote the article.  The Babbler rejected her request.

This reporter also heard one of Claar’s allies offer a solution to the Republican’s losses in Will County:

“The Republicans have held the Clerk’s office for 80 years.  Therefore we still hold the office and (County Clerk-elect Lauren Staley-Ferry) is trying to steal it—”

“Shut-up!” snapped Claar.  “And learn about the Genetic Fallacy!”

Aliens celebrate Sean Casten’s US House victory

by Reporter X

Sounds of joy filled Clow UFO Base’s stadium as Sean Casten, a former employee, defeated Rep. Peter Roskam in the Illinois Sixth Congressional Race.  

“I remember when Sean was a quiet biochemist,” said Xop Logot from Komat Empire.  “Now he’s an outgoing leader of humans.  He’s come a long way.  Now I hope he can save Earth from runaway global warming.”

Casten later addressed the aliens via teleconference:  “I hope my victory shows the Interstellar Commonwealth that there are good people on this planet who want to fight for the future of our species.  I didn’t run for Congress just so I could hang out with all of you.  I ran so I could fix our country’s problems, and help humanity become worthy of full membership.  My work has just started.”

Casten then led the aliens in singing “Thunder Road” by Bruce Springsteen.

A spokesperson for Roskam said he was unavailable for comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Roskam cried: “Map!  My beautiful gerrymandered map.  I loved you, and you betrayed me!  Holly whatshername seduced you, didn’t she?”

Naperville Police prevent Election Day Riots

Sources within the Naperville Police Department say that they turned around buses filled with alleged  “Brookes Brothers rioters.”

“We know the DuPage Election Commission stinks,” said an officer who asked that we not use her name.  “The last thing we need is a bunch of rich men from out of state invading our county.”

Organizers of the bus insisted that they weren’t rioters but were “aggressive poll watchers” who couldn’t believe that Lauren Underwood had a chance to win the election.

“I told them we would find out tonight,” said the officer.  “But rioting wasn’t going to help.  Turns out she won fair and square.  It’s weird that all of Naperville’s Congressional representatives are Democrats.  I guess that’s what the voters want.”

A spokesperson for Underwood pointed out that Underwood grew up in Naperville and denounced the rioter assumptions.  “We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold, and Lauren is part of that reputation!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.

The election of our discontent: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Election season is almost over with, and this one will probably go down as one of the most important in US history.  Will a blue wave of liberalism sweep over the country, or will a red tide of fascism rise up?  You, the readers, will decide.  We’ve mostly been getting generic form letters from supporters of each candidate, but I found a few original ones worthy of being published:

To the Editor:

#Blexit is dishonest and old school.  Kanye West has shown me the true path to liberation: #Yeexit!

What does #Yeexit mean to me?  It means not supporting a political party just because one of them passed the Civil Rights Act over 50 years ago, or because the other freed the slaves over 150 years ago.  It asking what each party will do for blacks.  It also means looking at each candidate’s positions and their current conduct.  

#Yeexit has a simple message for politicians of all parties:  Don’t take us for granted.  Earn our vote, now!

Claude Z. Washington
Bolingbrook, IL

That’s good advice for everyone.

For some reason, we’ve been getting some suspicious letters from the Sixth Congressional District.  Here’s the most interesting one.

To the editor:

I’m a tax-loving pansexual transgender Hillary Clinton Democrat who believes global warming is real because it was hot last summer.

I won’t be voting for Sean Casten because he denied five women the opportunity to run for Congress!  I’ve also conducted my own research on the Internet, and I keep seeing the word “Stupid” pop up.  He makes me mad!

He also said he admires a man who refuses to date women!  How hateful is that?

Peter Roskam once said he supported the Violence Against Women Act.  That’s good enough for me!

I also heard that there will be many liberals voting for Peter Roskam and that will include #metoo!

Insert Female Name here
Don’t use Wheaton, IL
Don’t send until approved by Peter.

Oops.  

For the record, all the women who ran against Casten later endorsed him.  We’ve even heard that some are campaigning for him in the general election.  He admires Dan Savage for creating the “It Gets Better” campaign.  Savage won’t date women because he’s gay.  Congressman Peter Roskam voted for the Violence Against Woman Act before he voted against it.  I guess he’s from the John Kerry school of voting.  Lastly, Casten has undergraduate degrees in molecular biology and biochemistry.  He also has a masters’ degree in both engineering management and biochemical engineering.  So pardon me if I doubt the Koch Brother’s description of Casten.

Closer to home, we also have quite a few people commenting about the Bolingbrook Park District’s referendum.  First the Yes side:

To the Editor:  

Did you know in this election, you can vote to give the Park District more money, and to lower your taxes at the same time?  Is it magic?  Is it an act of God?  Who cares!  I urge all voters to put the Bolingbrook Park District first and vote yes on the Park District Referendum.

Mitchel Troutkowski
Bolingbrook, IL

Now the No side:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook Park District has sunk to a new low in their effort to sneak their new tax increase by us.  I was going to put up some yard signs opposing the next tax, but then I saw someone had beaten me to it.  So I decided not to make the signs.  Then one day I decided to go to the URL on the No signs.  The website is actually for the Yes side!

This is evil.  Residents should be enjoying the full savings from the Park District paying off a bond.  Instead, the Park District is sneaking in a new tax and hoping we don’t notice it because our tax bill will drop slightly.  

Don’t be fooled!  This is a tax increase, and taxes are evil!  Resist evil.  Vote no and unite against the Bolingbrook Park District.

Sam Z. Peterseim
Bolingbrook, IL

This is almost as fun as reading the Bolingbrook Politics on Facebook.  Seriously, it comes down to this: Do homeowners want to save a little money, or do they want to save a lot of money?  We will find out this week.

Remember:  Soldiers and activists died so you could vote.  Don’t waste their sacrifice.  Vote on November 6th.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  No plans to place armed citizens at polling places
Alien election observers arrive in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Lack of sex isn’t an excuse to kill people
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/18

Clow UFO Base bans political display ads on spacecraft (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced it is banning all UFOs from displaying political ads on the outside of their spacecraft, and from showing them during abductions.

“I don’t know what (Mayor Roger Claar) was thinking,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference.  “Actually, I have my suspicions, but this is not the place to talk about them.”

Two UFOs flying over I-88. Each is displaying a political ad.

A rare photo of two UFOs with political ads. They were photographed flying over I-88.

Since 1989, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs has allowed aliens to sell political advertising space on their spacecraft, provided they did not violate visibility rules.

“Depending on the time of day, a craft may be visible to the naked human eye,” said Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for the department.  “All the visibility windows vary, but they’re all less than a minute long.  A lot of political campaigns will pay good money for those few seconds.”

Clow UFO Base staff will not provide a list of ad buyers. They insist that all the human buyers have permission to contact aliens.  Sources confirmed that off-world “political influencers” have bought ads, but refused to provide more details.  Ads could only be paid for using Interstellar Credits.

Glomox said the display ads are inconsistent with the Interstellar Commonwealth’s policy towards Earth:

“We are supposed to be subtly guiding humanity towards full membership in the Commonwealth.  Political ads on our spacecraft are as subtle as the rings of Saturn.  Besides, there are only two types of ads:  Either ‘this candidate is perfect’ ads or ‘this candidate is evil’ ads.  Neither are helpful.  Some humans worship us. So we have to take our role as guides seriously.”

Posslot, a resident of the Barnard’s Star solar system, is disappointed in the ban: “Sure I made a fortune off of the ads, but they’ve also helped my research.  Running (Representative Peter Roskam’s ads) proved to me that you can raise your constituents’ taxes all you want as long as you call yourself a Republican and call your opponent a Democrat.”

Stizaleek, a resident of Pluto, said she was going to stop putting ads on her UFO anyway:  “I like Lauren Underwood, and I wanted to help her.  So made my own video ad, and displayed it on my craft.  One night I flew over her house and sent her a message telling her about my ad.  At first, she didn’t know what to think of about my craft, but then she replied that if I was going to run ads, she couldn’t talk to me.  Something about being against the rules to coordinate with political action committees.  Well, I don’t want to be a political action committee of one.  So I stopped running the ads.  I still hope she wins.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office for the rest of the week.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “Charlene, did you hack my Facebook account, and were you the one who told (Trustee Rick Morales) that I wrote that fake post?”

“Not now,” said Charlene.  “I’m in the middle of something, Bob.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled: “That’s not how the Universe works.  That’s not how anything works!”

“Charlene, what’s going on?” asked the man who sounded like Jaskiewicz.

“Roger asked me to help Sheldon get ready for next year’s campaign.  So I decided to help toughen him up by locking him in a room with Kanye West.”

“Does Roger know you’re doing this?”

“He said that as long as I get results, he doesn’t care how I do it.”

The man who sounded like Watts yelled: “Charlene, get me out of here!”

“You still have 57 minutes left.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’ll let you out if you refuse the holy spirit.”

“You’re evil, Charlene!”

“You’re so judgmental, Sheldon!  I identify as amoral.”

A man who sounded like West said, “You can’t leave now.  I still need to talk to you about Drew Peterson.”

The man who sounded like Watts screamed.

Also in the Babbler:  

Men in Blue defuse anti-matter bomb at Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar denies Bolingbrook will invest in a lunar golf course
Bolingbrook Politics administrator denies 99% of members are Russian trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base could soon allow transgender humans to apply for refugee status.

“If Donald Trump and the Illuminati enact their plan to erase transgendered humans,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference, “Then, under Interstellar Commonwealth policy, my staff is required to consider permitting transgender refugees into Clow.  I just ordered my staff to start their review and to make a recommendation by the end of next month.”

Glomox said she ordered the review after receiving intelligence reports from the Interstellar Commonwealth, and after reading a New York Times article about the Trump Administration’s proposal. The proposal defines a human’s gender identity only by their genitals.  Such a decision would revoke guidelines established by the Obama administration that protected trans individuals against discrimination.

“I would like to say that this decision represents primitive binary human thinking,” said Glomox.  “But many humans know that biological sex is a spectrum, not a binary. One cannot base their gender identity solely on biology.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also an Illuminati leader, did not dispute Glomox’s scientific claims.  “Since First Contact in the late 1940s, the Interstellar Commonwealth has never granted refugee status to any human or human grouping.  Never.  Why now?  I don’t understand.  I am very disappointed to see that Trump-phobia has reached the stars.”

Claar also added that he attended the Bolingbrook Pride event, and his interstellar charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning, does not discriminate on the basis of sex or gender identity.  

Then he said: “I’m concerned that this could lead to caravans of transpeople converging on Bolingbrook.  The refugee screening process can take up to two years.   That means thousands of people congregating in Bolingbrook with no interest in buying a home.  They’re going to rent, and that means lower property values for the rest of us.  I told Aplodoxage this, but obviously, my voice doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m only the longest severing mayor in Bolingbrook’s history. Why should it matter?”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order and Bolingbrook Pride, said people of all sexualities are welcome in Bolingbrook.

“If Roger doesn’t want a refugee crisis in Bolingbrook, maybe he should tell the President not to create one in the first place.”  He later added, “Bolingbrook needs to be an example for Illinois and the rest of the world to follow.  Part of that example should include acceptance of our residents and visitors, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.”  He then turned towards Claar, and said: “You can consider that part of Bolingbrook’s United political platform.”

Glomox said all refugees who pass the background checks would be resettled throughout the galaxy.  Unfortunately, most would never be allowed back on Earth.

“I agree with Bob.  It would be better if humans stopped treating their trans members as debate topics and started treating them as full human beings.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone UFO base on track for January opening
Editorial: Not every Will County politician or activist is guilty of a crime
Barrington’s estate owning residents worried about increased UFO traffic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/18

DuPage Township Trustee Oliver defects to New World Order (Fiction)

During a secret executive session of the DuPage Township Board, Trustee Maripat Oliver announced that she is leaving the Illuminati, and joining the New World Order.

“It was fun being a Knight of Chaos for the Illuminati,” said Oliver.  “It reminded me of my younger days.  Of course, I was also on the wrong path back then.  Now, I think creating global chaos is the wrong path.  So I offer my apologies to the NWO, and I hope they will accept me into their ranks.”

Supervisor William Mayer, a member of the NWO, accepted Oliver’s defection. He then blamed Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the turmoil in the Township:  “Years ago, Roger said I had to join the New World Order if I wanted to hold any leadership positions in Bolingbrook.  I did and things worked out.  When Roger defected to the Illuminati, he ordered me to defect.  I saw no reason to.  I like it when things are in order.  (Bolingbrook Village Clerk Carol Penning) gave me a warning back in January, and I still said no.  We’ve said a lot of things, skipped meetings, gotten sued by a staff member, and are now being torn apart by a secret war.  Let’s move forward, and set aside secret society politics — so that we can get back to the job of caring for elderly Republican voters, and helping people in general.”

Trustee Alyssia Benford, who is running for the Illinois House of Representatives, laughed:  “My fellow knight (Trustee Dennis Raga) and I laugh at your pathetic speech.  Roger is Bolingbrook.  When Roger told me to run for this board, I ran.  When Roger told me to join the Illuminati, I did.  When Roger told me to become a Knight of Chaos, I did.  When he told me to run for the State House, I did.  After the election is suspended, I will be appointed to the State House, and you will burn in the fires of chaos I will ignite.  Bill, you used this township to build your power.  I used this township as a ladder, and I am now burning that ladder so no one can follow me.”

Raga added, “We will be the greatest Knights of Chaos in the history of the Illuminati.  We know the true power of booze, boobs, EDM!  Booze, Boobs, EDM!”

“Enough!”  complained Trustee Ken Burgess.  “Why couldn’t the seniors take me on their trip?, After all I’ve done for them, the least they could do is to rescue me from all of you?  We were once an award-winning slate.  Now, look at us!”

“It’s not too late to be saved,” Benford said to Burgess.  “Swear loyalty to the Illuminati, and I will write an article in the Will County Gazette exonerating you.  If you don’t, either my followers will drop pumpkins on you, or the Edgar County Watchdogs will arrest you.  Ford!”

“It’s pronounced ‘Fnord,’” said Mayer. “Even I know that.”

“Roger told me to pronounce it ‘Ford,’” said Benford.  “Anyway, can we get this meeting over with?  All of you are boring me and wasting my time.  Roger says I’m destined for greatness!”

Also in the Babbler:

Republicans stunned as Democratic congressional candidate Sean Casten vows to lower property taxes
Mayor Claar rules that zombies must pay local property taxes
Ghost whispers ‘wallpaper’ after visitors use Mayor Claar’s bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/18

Guest Opinion: DuPage Township Democrats say vote no on the Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion submitted by the DuPage Township Democrats and does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of the Babbler’s staff.

"Vote No! "$14 Million Park District tax increase.

The DuPage Township Democrats urge Bolingbrook residents to vote against the Park Board referendum.

On September 19 the DuPage Township Democrats discussed the upcoming Nov. 6th Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum that will increase our property taxes.  DuPage Township Democrats voted unanimously to VOTE NO on the upcoming ballot measure.

Capital Bond Issues should be reserved for new operational needs, not maintenance.

  • Capital Bond issues should be reserved for new operational projects, not maintenance.
  • Below is a list of additional reasons that we do not and cannot support this addition to our property tax:
    Poor fiscal management and prioritizing.   Ex. Paying out over $500,000 in legal fees over 4 years to fight a union covering 48 landscape employees. This “Union Busting” money should have been used for playground maintenance or improvements they want.
  • One of the projects is improving the BRAC entrance. The BRAC entrance does not need renovating. It is functional and clean. 
  • The center island of the lazy river at BRAC does not need new pavilions. This is only an excuse to have new areas to rent out for special events. The taxpayers have to pay to build them, then pay to use them.
  • Even though the taxpayers of Bolingbrook paid to build the BRAC and thru property taxes pay for the operation of BRAC, there is not one venue or activity they can use or participate in without paying fees.
  • Bolingbrook has only one public pool to serve over 76,000 residents and the thousands of non-residents that use the pool. Yet their priority is activities that require more and higher fees.  The priority should be more FREE aquatic services for the village. Votes
  • The Park District has shown, as too many taxing bodies do, the desire to spend more and more taxpayer dollars, but not the need to spend more.

When there is an opportunity for taxpayers to have their taxes drop, our taxing bodies should welcome that opportunity.