By Reporter X
From crash landings to “accidental” bombings, Chicagoland’s UFO bases are struggling with the fallout from the latest Persian Gulf War.
Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base and Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base are seeing a 1000% increase in emergency landings and hospitalizations. Officials blame the United Space Force, the IDF’s Space Division, and the Revolutionary Guard’s Interceptor Force for the increase.
“It’s a mess,” said an anonymous employee at Clow UFO Base. “Iran wants to draw alien civilizations into the war. Space Force fighters have a daily quota of spacecraft to shoot down. Israel is being Israel. And we’re dealing with their mess.”
Abigal Zepell, a pilot from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, blames Israeli forces for her crash-landing at Sherman UFO Base. She claims she was bringing passengers who wanted to celebrate Purim in Israel. “I called Tel Aviv Control for landing instructions. I started by saying, ‘Shalom Shabbat’ like I’ve done countless times before. This time, instead of responding, they launched fighters to intercept us. I apologized, and said ‘Shabbat Shalom’ over and over. The pilot accused me of being an Iranian spy. He said he’d have to kill me, but promised not to pillage my ship.” Zepell confirmed no one died during her crash-landing.
ZoKlo, a pilot from the Interstellar Caliphate, blamed Iran for his crash-landing. “When I tried to reach Tehran Control, I was redirected to another control center. The controller asked if I was going to bomb the United States or Israel. I said neither, because we believe in peace. Then ten interceptors attacked us. When I protested, the controller said if Iran was going down, they were going to take as many civilizations down with them. Then he added that if I crashed into the White House or the Knesset, I would go straight to Paradise.”
Clow officials also claim that the US Space Force tried to bomb the base twice. Said one official, “I know the US likes to commit war crimes, but double-tapping Bolingbrook with bunker-buster bombs? Good thing we have strong force fields. Otherwise, people would be asking too many questions.”
Both bases have also been accepting alien evacuees from the Persian Gulf. Zop Glib, a resident of Alpha Centauri, posed as a human Dubai influencer until the war started.
“I was willing to ignore the mistreatment of foreign workers because I loved my luxury human suit and my free apartment. Death by drone attack was a possibility I couldn’t ignore.” Glib hopes to buy a new human suit and start a new influencer career. “Maybe I could shill for Ground News. ‘The Left says this. The Right says that. But I read Ground News, so that makes me special!’”
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta praised the staff of Clow UFO Base. “The Trump Administration may be dumping lemons on the world, but the staff at Clow is making lemonade. Now, if we could just stop living in interesting times. That would make my job so much easier.”
Also in the Babbler:
Cats Against Kat Abughazaleh funded by AIPAC
Rep. Foster denies accepting political donations from Venus
Editorial: Daylight Savings Time is unraveling the fabric of Space-Time
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/26
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
If you are interested in a dramatic version of the Babbler universe, check out my book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. Available at most book retailers. You can also request copies from your local library.