Independence

I’ve been feeling a little down lately. Even though I’m no longer using crutches, recovering from knee surgery is taking longer than I thought, and it’s frustrating. I’m still a little sore and tired, and my activity is unfortunately still limited. Last week, I mowed the lawn and took a walk around the block. I definitely pushed it a little too far. I was planning on mowing the lawn again tomorrow, and I cried when I told my husband that he should do it instead of me. I don’t like feeling helpless. 

This whole experience has made me think about independence in general. I’m not a very independent person, but now, after having to depend on my husband for everything, I really want to become more independent. Where I stand now, if something ever happened to my husband, I think I’d be screwed. I depend on my husband financially and really lean on him when I’m feeling anxious (which is often). I just want to learn to do more things on my own.

I have been looking for a second job, and I am going to get a little more serious about it once my knee feels better. I think when I’m able to contribute more financially, and even just being out of the house more, I will feel a little more independent. 

Is independence important to you? What do you do to make sure you can stand on your own two feet? 

 

Edit to add: I have a job interview!!!

Check out this sign at my work.

When I returned to work last week, I noticed this sign in the mailroom, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it.


Of course, I was a little offended, but not enough to really speak up about it. It definitely warranted a slow and dramatic eye roll though. 

What’s the point of posting this at work? Is there something going on that I don’t know about? Are people not keeping their private lives, private? 

Is there a meaning I’m not seeing? Is there another way to interpret this that isn’t so offensive?

According to Google:

Looking up the definition of faith didn’t help me find a different way to interpret it or apply it to my life.

Maybe the complete trust in someone or something is supposed to be me?

I don’t know. What do you think of this sign? Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad if it didn’t end with “Amen!” 

The woo at my work never ceases to amaze me. 

Art Show Update

I am walking, driving, and back to work! I’m sore and tired, but it gets a little better every day.

One of my drawings was accepted into Flowers for Peace 2024 with Red Bluff Art Gallery. You can check out the exhibit here. It is the same piece that got into Botanicals 24. The show just opened today and I am so impressed by the other artwork! So cool!

I was also accepted into a show called True Beauty 2024. I will share a link when it opens on June 12th.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much in the past week. I am just trying to get back into the groove of things now that I’m not stuck recovering from knee surgery at home. Thank you for your support!

Belief vs. Culture

How many true believers are in the world?

It’s true; your geographical location usually decides your religion, but how many people truly believe, and how many just follow along because it’s part of their culture?

I think it’s human nature to question. Don’t you? I think at some point everyone goes through a little “soul searching”, whether they admit it or not. For me, questioning my beliefs just felt like part of growing up. Maybe for some, it strengthens their belief, but questioning led me to abandon faith altogether. I bet a lot of people are in the same boat, again, whether they admit it or not.

I grew up in a Christian culture (coloring Easter eggs, giving Christmas presents, etc. minus going to church) but I’ve never considered myself a Christian. Honestly, it would be so easy to hide and call myself a Christian. No one would ever know the difference, but morally I just can’t do it. I have to stay true to myself. In my personal life, I don’t just offer up my atheist views, but when questioned, I’m honest. 

Is everyone being honest? I kind of doubt it. How many people are just following the motions? I bet the number of true believers is smaller than we think.

Deep down I think everyone must have a little bit of doubt. It would be strange if they didn’t, right? I mean, nothing in life is 100 percent. We learn that pretty early on so why wouldn’t it apply to religion?

So many people at my work are vocal Christians. Do they really truly believe? Is any of that peer pressure? I don’t know. If they ever questioned, would they admit it?

I’m just curious; when you look at the people around you who define themselves as part of a religion, do you think they truly believe? Do you think they secretly have doubts? Do you think they just see religion as part of their culture and nothing more? Are they just following the motions because that’s what they know? Or maybe because they’re afraid not to? 

You never know what’s going on deep inside a person’s head, but I’d like to think I’m not alone in my feelings. Am I really that different from the people around me?

So many questions…

Botanicals Art Exhibition

One of my flower drawings was accepted into Botanicals 24 with Artist Space Gallery. You can check out the online exhibition here. I forgot that I entered the contest and I don’t remember getting an acceptance notification so you can imagine my surprise when I saw my work on the website today!

Thank you guys for your support!

I only have one week left on crutches and it’s changed the way I view things.

I am so excited to be getting rid of these crutches soon! I am no longer in pain and I am so glad I had the surgery. No more feeling helpless. No more sitting around the house all day.

My experience with having a knee injury and recovering from surgery has changed the way I view things. I have spent so much time lying around on the couch. I’m so excited that warmer weather is finally here and I’m going to be able to get out more. Having my surgery at the beginning of April was really good timing! I will be recovered by summer. I want to walk to the park with my daughter and go for bike rides. I haven’t been able to do those things in almost a year and I just don’t want to take my mobility for granted. I feel so fortunate to not be in pain. I’m not getting any younger and now I want to be active for as long as I can. 

This has also made me view disabilities differently. Using crutches has been so much work. I’m slow and I’m tired. Everything I do is more complicated. It’s very frustrating and there have been so many tears. I’m constantly asking for help and now I really know the importance of handicapped parking spaces. I avoid going out. My husband does all the grocery shopping. 

Another reason I don’t like going out is that the crutches and brace attract attention. I already have social anxiety, and it’s overwhelming when complete strangers are asking me what happened. I get very annoyed. I just say “I had surgery” and leave it at that. I think people can sense that I’m uncomfortable and I shut down the conversation pretty quickly. It’s not like what happened to me was embarrassing, but it’s really none of their business. 

Things have indeed gotten easier as time has gone on, but it’s still a lot of work. I am so excited to be walking on two feet soon, but it has been in the back of my mind what this would be like if I were on crutches longer or even disabled for life. It’s just something I’ve never thought of before. This was an eye-opening experience. 

I just want to get back to normal. One night I broke down sobbing because as I was lying on the couch I was watching my husband doing the dishes, cleaning the house, and taking care of our daughter and I just couldn’t help him. I felt so guilty.

I can’t wait to drive again. Freedom! I can’t wait to go back to work. My first day back is the 22nd. Now that I’m almost off of crutches I am looking for a second job. A new arts and crafts store is opening nearby this summer, and I’d really like to work there! (I also hope there’s an employee discount!) 

I can’t wait to finally get rid of the crutches, but at the same time, it’s a lot to think about. It’s been such a difficult experience, but also it was only six weeks of my life. 

I hope the optimism and enthusiasm I’m feeling right now lasts.

Have you ever had a similar experience?

Do your partner’s religious beliefs differ from yours? (Plus “Smile” and “Cock and Petals”)

I have a Cardi B song stuck in my head. I like the song, but it just won’t leave me alone. Maybe some writing will distract me…

Do your partner’s religious beliefs differ from yours? I’m an atheist – pretty straightforward. My husband doesn’t believe in god but believes in a higher power. It’s really just a slight difference and I can see where he’s coming from. Definitely not enough to make us incompatible.

When I was younger, I dated men from all different backgrounds. I was an equal-opportunity girlfriend and I think it’s kinda funny that I married someone so similar to me. 

But when it comes to religion, I don’t think I could settle down with someone if they were really different from me.

I was once in a long-term relationship with a Jewish man. We lived together in Los Angeles. When I was with him I took classes on Judaism (that his parents paid for) and his family expected me to eventually convert. 

While I’m not a Christian, I grew up in a Christian culture. My family colored Easter eggs and gave Christmas gifts. He wanted nothing to do with it. It became a touchy topic and made me really uncomfortable. Why was I the one expected to change?

There was a lot I didn’t understand (and probably still don’t). His Jewish family and friends often talked about being oppressed, but at the same time, these were the wealthiest people I had ever been around. I know their grandparents were oppressed, but I just didn’t see them as oppressed; I saw them as extremely privileged. Unfortunately, it kind of affected how I viewed Jewish people in America, but logically I know one family does not represent all Jews. It’s been years and I think I’m still processing it all.

Eventually, I left him and moved back in with my family in Ohio. It was at this time I finally got the help I needed for my mental health. Dating in recovery gave me a little more confidence, and I met some really interesting people.

After a year back in Ohio, I went back to school and dated an Indian man. We were both students at the same college. One day, we drove all the way to Pittsburgh to visit a Hindu temple. It was a long time ago and I don’t remember all the details, but it was nothing like anything I had ever experienced before. There were so many people there and it was definitely eye-opening. He never pushed his religion on me and I was very grateful to have experienced his culture without the pressure to change myself.

Then there was the conservative Christian (and virgin). We also met in college. He was dead-set on converting me and I didn’t budge. Had I converted just to please him, it would have been a lie. You can’t force someone to believe in something, and I’m not willing to fake it like so many people do. Obviously, it didn’t last very long. I really liked riding around in his truck though.

Lesson learned: if your partner wants to fundamentally change you, it’s probably not going to work out.

Soon after I met my husband and the rest was history. I was only twenty-four when I met my husband online. He always made me feel so comfortable. I can tell him anything and he doesn’t judge me. He’s easygoing, we have so much in common, and I always feel accepted. Sometimes we have really interesting discussions about religion and spirituality. I enjoy them. My husband and I believe similar things, but if we were exactly the same, maybe the discussions wouldn’t be as interesting.

If you are dating or when you were dating, how and when did religion come up? Have your partners’ views differed from yours? Did you avoid the topic, agree to disagree, or were you comfortable discussing it?

Religion always came up early for me as atheism has been an important part of my recovery.

How important is it to you for your partner to be similar or different from you? Did you settle down with someone with different views and how do you deal with that?

 

Also, can someone name a different song to get stuck in my head?

 

Now enjoy some weirdo art!