Are you a trusting person?

I used to be bubbly and cheerful to everyone I met. I saw the good in people. Was I just young and dumb?

Now I’m guarded. My smile isn’t quite as big and I enter new relationships with caution. Did that come with age? Did that come from pain?

Did you ever notice a change like that in yourself? Were you more trusting when you were younger?

A few years ago I was mentally and emotionally abused by a client at work. The abuse went on for eleven months before the client was finally kicked out of our program. I thought once the client was gone I would be fine, but I wasn’t. I was diagnosed with PTSD and went through several months of therapy. 

I am doing much better now but nothing has been the same since. You just never know what a person is capable of.

I recently experienced betrayal in my family which once again brought my trust issues to the forefront. 

We have all seen the good and bad in people. No one is purely good and no one is strictly bad but the bad definitely gets more attention.

But lately, I feel like I attract people who do harm — like I’m an easy target for narcissists. Do I do something wrong? Do you ever feel that way?

I am a resilient person and generally have a good attitude about most other things. I’m quiet but kind. I know if I always let the bad overshadow the good, I might miss out on getting to know some genuinely nice and caring people.

But how do I let my guard down? What do you do when you’re afraid to trust people? Will it get better with time? Or worse?

I’ve got to be honest – I’m angry at the people who made me feel this way.

I have been seeing a therapist weekly for about a year now and my blog is in no one a replacement for therapy. I know we’re just strangers on the internet but I absolutely love throwing questions your way. You guys always have such thoughtful responses.

Can you relate? Do you have trust issues? How do you deal with it?

I’m really not a “people person”. Anyone else?

Last weekend my family went to the local science museum, and it was super crowded. In fact, it’s been packed every single time we’ve been there. We have a family membership and my daughter loves the place. I hate going there because crowds make me incredibly nervous.

But I go. I have a lot of anxiety when we go out in public or in social situations, but I do it for my daughter. I don’t want her to miss out. It’s so hard to be a parent with anxiety because I want my daughter to experience lots of different things. My anxiety hinders me, but I’m doing my best to not let it affect my daughter. 

But honestly, some days I don’t even want to leave the house.

Even the grocery store is difficult. I prefer to go in the middle of the week at night when no one’s there, but unfortunately, we always end up going on Friday when we get paid – just like everyone else. Saying money’s tight in the middle of the week is an understatement. 

I won’t even go near Costco on the weekend.

This isn’t limited to crowds. I always feel awkward in my interactions with others. I have a schizophrenic disorder and my medication makes me shake – I just feel like everyone knows. My mental illness has never been a secret, but I also don’t want it to be the first thing people think of when they see me.

In summary, I am not a people person. I don’t have much of a point to this post other than to find people to commiserate with. Now that I’m done bitching, can anyone relate? People with little ones — how do you ensure your child experiences as much as possible when you’re just a big ball of nerves?

My daughter at the science museum.

Inner Turmoil: Mean People Suffer, Too

I had a grandmother who could be very judgemental and just downright mean. When she died, I learned more about her life and realized she was miserable. It’s kind of weird how that works out — if you’re miserable, you want to make everyone else miserable, too. Does anyone else see this play out with people in their lives?

I wrote this poem a few days ago about another person close to the family. This person has been absolutely horrible to me — selfish and disrespectful — but unfortunately, I think we share some of the same struggles. It’s really hard to feel empathy for someone who lacks it, but it’s there.

 

Push Me Away

 

You pushed
and pushed
and pushed
and when I broke,
you pointed your finger at me –
a classic case of
villain playing the victim.

You fabricated your facts
to ensure I was gone for good.

You tried to build an image –
a good person
with a good life –
but we saw right through it.

Carry on
with your lies and drama –
I feel your sadness.
If you weren’t miserable,
you wouldn’t treat me this way.

Months of silence
and broken hearts go by.
Despite the damage you’ve caused,
I hope you get the help
that you so desperately need.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself, “feelings are temporary.”

Where are my artists?

Art is my first love. My mom was an artist and when I was little, I wanted to be just like her. 

As I grew up, other interests took over and my passion for art was swept aside. It took a life-changing event to bring that passion back – and in a big way. I had struggled with mental illness for years and in my early twenties, I was finally diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It was a name and an explanation for my struggles. Recovery was a tough road but through art, I found my voice. 

Decades have passed and I’ve followed in my mother’s footsteps. For several years, I was a drawing/painting machine. I was cranking out the work and doing shows almost every month. It was pretty crazy and I had to dial it back a few notches when I got pregnant. 

Then I completely stopped. Maybe I just needed a break. That was seven years ago.

Present day: covid restrictions are dropped, I’m happy and healthy, and I’m finally back at work. I work for a supportive arts program where I facilitate art, writing, and music groups for people in recovery from mental illness and/or addiction disorders. It’s literally my dream job.

My participants encourage me just as much as I encourage them, and a few months ago, my love for art was revitalized. 

I’ve started painting a lot at work, and it’s sort of an experiment. I have muscle tremors in my hands from a medication I take that makes it really difficult to use a paintbrush. I really want to paint so it was time to improvise. I’ve discovered that I have a little more control when I lose the paintbrush and put my fingers directly on the canvas. Now I just paint with my fingers every day and experiment to see what I can do. It’s different but it is incredibly satisfying to get my hands dirty. 

Experimenting with finger painting inspired me to experiment with other aspects as well — especially color.

You know who else loves finger painting? My six-year-old daughter. I paint at work and then I come home and paint with my daughter.

This is really different than before. I’m not cranking out paintings for shows. I’m not even planning on entering any shows. I’m exploring the medium. I’m relaxed. I’m just really enjoying myself – the painting and the company. I’ve learned that art is just an amazing way to connect with others.

I’m thinking this is how art should be.

 

I’d love to hear from other artists. What’s your story? What are you into?

The hardest part about going to treatment was leaving my daughter.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my admission to an eating disorder treatment center in Chicago. I spent two months at the center where I was treated for symptoms of anorexia, avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), and rumination disorder. It was painful, it was traumatic, and it probably saved my life. I came home to Toledo last Valentine’s Day and nothing has been the same.

The hardest part about going to treatment was leaving my six-year-old daughter. I knew it would be hard, but it was even more difficult than I could imagine. During my stay in treatment, I couldn’t even talk about my daughter without uncontrollably sobbing. It was torture because as soon as anyone found out I was a mom they wanted to ask me about my kid. Around Christmas time my daughter drew me a bunch of pictures and sent them to me. I was so upset when I opened the package that they had a staff member follow me around for the rest of the day. It never seemed to get easier. I always cried.

Back up to fall 2021 – in the months prior to my admission I was engaging in eating disorder behaviors day in and day out, and unfortunately, my young daughter witnessed all of it. There was one night when I threw up during dinner and my husband and daughter didn’t even flinch or look at me. They continued to finish their meals while I cleaned up. That’s how frequent my behaviors were – my family didn’t even see it as out of the ordinary anymore.

Then I made the best decision I could for my little family by going away for treatment. It was inconvenient and I missed my family so much, but we felt it was necessary. I knew my daughter was in good hands and I was going to do my best to get better.

The other patients at the treatment center knew how upset I was talking about my daughter but they still took the time to commend me for doing what was best. I was told I was giving my daughter the best gift I could give her and that I was becoming a good role model. One young woman told me, “I wish my mom would have gone to treatment. Things would be different for me.” I cried so much but I found their words to be motivating. I wanted to get better for my daughter.

I came home a better mother. I used to be really distracted but now I am focused when I spend time with my daughter. I will do anything to keep her healthy – mentally, physically, and emotionally. I don’t ever want my daughter to go through what I did, but at the same time, I want her to know there is help if she is ever struggling. 

Unfortunately, I’ve faced criticism about leaving my daughter. Just before going to treatment, a relative called me to tell me how horrible this was going to be for my daughter which made a very difficult decision even harder. I was so sick and I couldn’t believe with the state I was in that anyone would want me to not go to treatment.  Since coming home my unsupportive family members have made a point to remind me how hard I made things for my daughter — and it really hurts. They have no idea what I went through — or even what my husband and daughter went through — yet they still have an opinion about it. Leaving my daughter was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I did what was best for all of us.

Despite the negativity and pain, I’m still here. Still focused on recovery – and motherhood. I know I made the best decision but I shouldn’t have to explain that to my loved ones. My husband reassures me that I did the right thing. I know in the long run my daughter and I will both feel the benefits of my time at the center. I went to treatment to show my daughter healthier habits so hopefully, she won’t end up where I was. 

I was at the treatment center for only two months but recovery is forever. It has been a year now and we are all still feeling ripple effects. I am much happier now. I know what I need to focus on and I do it from a healthier place. I am grateful for the treatment center, but I really hope I never have to go back.

Is there more good or evil in the world?

Serious question…do you think there is more good or evil in the world?

I ask this question because lately, I’ve felt like the world around me is polarized. I know there is good and evil in all of us, but I feel like I only see one or the other. Depending on where I go and who I interact with, I feel a wide range of emotions daily because of it. 

I absolutely love my job. I facilitate art, writing, and support groups for people recovering from homelessness, mental illness, and addiction. I often feel socially awkward but work is the one place I can really connect with people. I’m not saying it’s perfect but for the most part, when I’m at work I feel like I’m on a high – I’m in such a good mood and nothing can bring me down.

At work, I am around people who have had some very unfortunate circumstances, but I can really see the good in people there.

Then there are my family members who treated me poorly and lied about me. How can someone love you and betray you? I can’t wrap my head around how or why this happened. I’m normally a very open person but this has caused me to lose trust in people. I have my guard up. You don’t know how low people will go. 

I’ve spent so much time focussing on the bad in my family that it’s hard to remember the good. 

My husband and I have a great relationship. He has been my number-one support as I spent the last year struggling with an eating disorder. I can tell him anything and it’s like he always knows what to say. This past month I’ve seen a light at the end of the tunnel and my eating disorder has been a lot easier to deal with. However, while that’s been going well, my husband and I have been struggling financially. I assumed it would strain our relationship but it seems like it has brought us closer. We are definitely in this together.

My husband reminds me of the good in the world. I was so nervous on our wedding day but marrying him is probably the best decision I’ve ever made.

Sorry if I’m making you puke with the mushiness.

And of course, there’s the US. We are a country divided with no solution in sight. It has brought out a lot of ugliness. I don’t need to explain this; you all know what I’m talking about.

I am a very intense and emotional person, so it makes sense that I might feel things are polarized. Do I think there’s more good or evil? Lately, even though I have some amazing people in my life, I’ve been leaning toward evil. Call me a cynical atheist but I feel that’s what the world has revealed to me.

But I am very grateful for the good in my life and I hope, in my own little way, I can put a little more good in the world.

How do you feel? Good? Evil? What do you think prevails? 

Affirmations and Mental Health

Do you ever use affirmations? Do you say them to yourself or post them on your wall or mirror?

I repeat affirmations when I meditate with mala beads and I find it quite helpful. It helps me stay positive even when the world is crashing down around me. I shit you not, it might sound hokey but this technique has helped me survive some pretty dark times. Even I can’t believe it.

I facilitate a women’s support group at work and creating affirmation cards is an upcoming project. I made a few examples for the group and decided to post them above my desk at the office. I look at them every day I work. They pump me up and help me focus on what’s really important. I hope the group members will find them as useful as I do.

There are five cards above my desk – each one is a different color and decorated with doodles of flowers and leaves. I actually had a lot of fun making them. Here’s what they say:

 

I am enough.

I deserve to be treated with love and respect.

My brain is my sexiest body part.

Taking care of myself feels good.

My body can do awesome things.

 

Considering my recent struggles with my eating disorder I decided to focus on body image. I plan on creating a big list of affirmations for the women in our group so they can pick out ones that suit their lives and current struggles.

Oftentimes I say this affirmation with my mala beads:

 

Move forward from here.

 

I have a lot of issues with rumination and I found that affirmation helpful.

I would love to hear what you guys think. What are some of your favorite or most helpful affirmations?

The Big 4-0 and Finally Some Relief — Mental Illness and Recovery

Tomorrow I’m turning forty and it definitely feels like a milestone. I thought I’d be more upset about getting older but I’m actually doing just fine. I don’t want to do anything big to celebrate; I just want to go out to dinner with my husband and daughter. Here’s to another decade!

I have been struggling with depression as I’m sure you can see from my blog posts. This led to a medication change about six weeks ago. It took a few weeks, but when the medication kicked in, I felt a drastic change. It was like someone woke me up. The heaviness has been lifted and things are getting easier. It’s hard to find words to describe the difference the medication made. I feel joy. I can focus. I can sleep at night. I think the best word to describe it is “freedom”. It doesn’t erase the stress and drama in my life but it sure makes it easier to deal with. I am so grateful to have a good doctor and medication that works for me. You really see how much you were struggling when you finally find some relief.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder years ago and have managed to live a relatively normal life. Most days I’m fine and maybe I’ve taken that for granted. I act like I’m invincible but it’s pretty incredible how fast my mental illness can pull me down, and once you finally address it, it can take weeks to recover.

And then there’s the eating disorder. I was stuck for months but now I’m in a good place and I feel I can finally put my experience at the treatment center behind me. It was the nightmare that saved my life. I needed it and now it’s done. I just want to focus on the progress I’ve made.

It is amazing what modern medicine can do. My life has been greatly impacted by mental illness since childhood, and I thank science for giving me a life worth living.

I love my family, I love my job, and now I want to write my butt off. Life is good!

Thirty-nine was rocky and turbulent, and now I’m ready to put this year behind me. On to better things…

Thank you all for your support. I absolutely love reading your comments. There are some really smart and thoughtful people on this website.

I’d love to hear some stories of your milestone birthdays!

How do you view your parents?

There is something very childlike about me. My husband says it’s endearing. 

My eating disorder started when I was eleven years old, and unfortunately, eating disorders can stunt your growth both physically and emotionally. For me, I don’t know about the physical part. I’m very short, but so is the rest of my family, and I went through a normal puberty. However, emotionally I’ve definitely felt some growing pains. 

I always feel like someone has to be in charge of me, usually my husband or dad. I’m impulsive and decision-making can be difficult. I always feel I have to look up to everyone – I’m never on equal footing with other adults. 

My most recent round of treatment for my eating disorder really stirred the pot, and I feel like I was violently thrown into adulthood. I now see myself as an adult which has affected my interactions with everyone else.

This is most noticeable with my parents. I always saw my parents as above me – people who tell me what to do and someone I should work hard at pleasing. In a way, they could do no wrong. I didn’t question them. 

But now I see my parents as human. I see their emotions and flaws. They’re no longer above me. In a way, we are the same. This has led to some tension in my family and it really sucks. 

Has anyone else gone through this? How do you view your parents? When did you stop seeing your parents as parents and start seeing them as other adults? Do you consider them equals? At what age did you feel like an adult?

My 40th birthday is in two weeks. I’m sad that I spent so many years feeling like a child.

Staying Chill and Feeling Hopeful — What’s Your Method?

I’ve been through a lot of shit. We all have. I have been especially hard hit regarding mental health issues, but lately, many other stressors have been dominating my life. More responsibilities at work. Family conflict. Writing projects. Financial worries. You get the picture.

When I feel like I’m coming undone I usually turn to meditation with my mala beads. However, I feel I need some new ideas and I want to hear from you. How do you stay chill? Do you have a relaxing activity that you enjoy? Is there a breathing exercise that works for you? Budget-friendly ideas are a plus.

I’ve noticed I’m watching a lot of TV in my free time. I need to find a way to relax that doesn’t involve binge-watching shows on Prime and Netflix. While laying on the couch and watching TV can be very relaxing, it often comes with some guilt – like there are a million other things I could be doing. I know it’s okay to watch TV sometimes but this is too much and I feel it may be fueled by my recent bout of depression.

How do you relax yet stay motivated?

Another question – are you hopeful? Despite my mental health struggles, I’m usually a positive and optimistic person. It’s been waning a bit lately but I know it’s still inside me. I always feel something better is in the cards. Even on my darkest days, I realize that almost everything is temporary. 

So tell me – how do you stay chill and hopeful?