Eating Disorder Recovery Update — Plus a Request!

As many of you know, I recently spent two months at a treatment center for eating disorders. Here’s a little update on how things are going.

The Dreaded Meal Plan

I am still following a meal plan because my hunger and satiety cues have not yet returned making it impossible to eat intuitively. Some days it is really difficult to follow my meal plan. I want to sleep in instead of eat breakfast. I have to eat every couple of hours and sometimes it is just too much. I have a journal where I keep track of everything I eat including what I skip. I just have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t forever. 

The Journals

I wrote a lot while I was in treatment – six journals worth to be exact. I’m now going through and typing out the journal entries. Sometimes it’s really hard to read. I was in a bad place and treatment was really difficult – gut-wrenching even. Other times it’s empowering to read. I’ve come a long way. I can’t wait to get the journals typed out and get organized but it’s going to take a long time. Like I said, I wrote a lot. I am trying to type out one entry a day and so far I’m only on journal #3.

The Family

I am so lucky. I have lots of family support. My dad is always willing to help out and my husband is so patient. My whole family is happy that I’m home and healthy. At first, I was paranoid that everyone was watching me while I ate, but last Friday we had a family dinner at my dad’s house and I was able to relax and enjoy the meal and company.

The New Hobby

I started experimenting with cooking while I was in treatment – something I never really did in the past. The first dish I made was coconut chicken curry and it has now become one of my favorite meals. I love trying to make new recipes and I’ve bought so many new pans and utensils. My dad’s girlfriend came over and helped me reorganize my kitchen to make cooking easier for me. 

The New Life

I was very sick when I went to treatment – mentally and physically – and I am so grateful to be healthy. I feel great. I’m back to my routines at home and work but it’s definitely a new normal. I need to stay on track but also give myself grace. Recovery is an ongoing journey, not an endpoint, and I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

The Request

I need new things to try! Please show me your favorite recipes!

 

Dust — Lovesick Poetry

Today I am sharing a poem about fantasizing about someone you can’t have and then fearing they find out. The imagination is a powerful thing…

Dust

Doubts and questions stew,
nerves boil in my belly.
I watched your every move.
Is my secret now transparent?
A passionate scandal
fabricated in the depths of my imagination –
a few scattered fragments
barely sewn into reality.
A lover just out of reach disappears.
I fear rejection.
I fear the unknown.
Mountains turn to dust
and blow away –
I feel a deep loss
for something I never had.
Let me pick up the pieces
of my very real heart.
You meant the world
when all along it was nothing.

Sexist Crafting and Homophobic Chicken – What Businesses Do You Boycott?

It’s really quite unfortunate that capitalism fuses itself with politics and social issues. Sometimes I don’t know how to fight back other than not give them my business. Money is what matters most to them, right?

That Online Giant

I am often amazed by Amazon and order from there often. You can order just about anything you want and it shows up on your doorstep one to two days later. How do they do that?

My husband avoids Amazon as much as possible. It seems to be a morals vs. convenience situation and he took the high road.

My husband is very passionate about politics and social justice, and workers’ rights are very important to him.

But There Are Others…

My husband will not fill up at a BP station. He will drive to another part of town if he has to. This goes back to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010.

He’s not alone in boycotting businesses. I do it, too.

I will not shop at Hobby Lobby or eat at Chick-fil-A. I’ve avoided those businesses for years. 

Chick-fil-A is very popular where we live and I stew in my anger every time I go by and see their drive-thru line so long that it’s spilling out into the street. 

Hobby Lobby is easy for me to avoid. I shopped there occasionally before the insurance and birth control issues and I was always annoyed by the plethora of Christian items. Besides, Michael’s is better anyway. 

 

I would love to hear what businesses you avoid.

Family Planning – Why Do I Feel Guilty?

Many years ago when my husband and I were thinking of getting engaged, we decided we wanted children. We wanted at least two because my husband and I had good experiences with our siblings.

We were married for six years when we had our daughter. Early in our marriage, we were not in a good place financially to start a family, but after six years it felt like the right time.

Except for some pretty challenging morning sickness, the pregnancy and birth went smoothly. Everyone was happy and healthy.

At the time I had my daughter, I still thought there would be another baby in my future – but not right away. My husband agreed and I had an IUD placed.

A Change of Heart That Changed Our Plans

A few years passed and the idea of another baby made me nervous. I waited. I drug my feet. I could tell my husband was getting antsy and let’s face it – we were getting older. Maybe that window of opportunity was starting to close so I decided to have my IUD removed.

That didn’t last long.

When I thought about having another baby, I felt dread. There was a pit in my stomach. I thought about how costly and stressful it would be and about the sacrifices I would have to make.

After about three months, I told my husband I changed my mind. I decided to go on the pill. He was outwardly supportive but I know deep down I broke his heart.

Did I make the right choice?

Birth Control and Birthdays

I have been on the pill now for over a year and overall I am happy with my life.

I have a part-time job I love, ample time to write as well as time to spend with my husband and daughter. We have a cute little house perfect for our little family.

A second child doesn’t fit in the picture.

Later this year I will be turning forty and I feel there’s no turning back now. I hope I made the right decision. I wonder if I’ll regret not having more children when I’m older – when having more children would no longer be possible. I feel guilty for not giving my husband something he longs for – something we agreed upon many years ago.

It is tough being a woman of child-bearing age when life-changing decisions have to be made. I’m grateful the decision was mine. Despite the guilt and regrets, it’s so important that I had a say.

Right now I just don’t want to change a thing.

Secular Easter Plans

Does anyone have any fun Easter plans?

We don’t make a big deal of Easter. If the weather is nice, we hide eggs around the yard for my daughter to find. My daughter is not a morning person. She tends to sleep in so it’s really nice that I don’t have to get up too early to hide the eggs.  After the egg hunt, we give my daughter her Easter basket with books, candy, and a couple of small toys.

My daughter is turning six at the end of the month and I wonder how much longer she will believe in the Easter Bunny. I was her age when I stopped believing in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. I never even made it to the tooth fairy.

How old were you guys when you stopped believing? Did you ever believe?

I think it’s interesting that the two major Christian holidays have popular elements that have nothing to do with Jesus. But you have to admit, as a kid Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are way more exciting than salvation. 

Happy Easter – if and however you celebrate it!

Adjusting to Being Home from Treatment

Seven weeks ago today I was discharged from a treatment center for eating disorders, and while I’m happy to be back with my family, coming home has been difficult.

I’m still following a meal plan which will probably continue for several months or at least until my hunger and satiety cues return.

I have doctor’s appointments, therapy appointments, dietician appointments, etc. and I’m tired.

I just want a day to not think about my eating disorder but that’s not happening anytime soon.

I wrote a lot while I was at the treatment center. Here’s a poem from a dark time:

 

At the Saddest Place on Earth

At the saddest place on earth,
sleep only comes when it’s been drowned in tears.
The darkest moment
is when the light starts to breakthrough.

At the saddest place on earth,
forgiveness can only come from yourself
if it comes at all.
To get your freedom back you must surrender.

At the saddest place on earth,
you are very alone
and everyone is watching.
Time goes fast or not at all.

At the saddest place on earth,
smiles shatter and despair prevails.
You wear your brain inside-out
but first, you must sit through the pain.

 

I know my present is not my forever so I will just keep moving forward.