Oh look, just a few weeks until Christmas, and that means it’s time once again for our annual list of Top Ten Reasons Santa is Better than Jesus! Let’s start.
10. Santa does not endorse multiple assholes from the same political party as presidential candidates. In fact, he doesn’t endorse any political candidates or parties.
9. If you’re bad, Santa gives you a lump of coal, he doesn’t try to turn you into one.
8. Santa comes to town riding a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer; Jesus came to town, once, riding someone else’s ass (which seems to have become a tradition among some of his followers, by the way).
7. Jesus says he loves little kids, but Santa actually lets them sit in his lap.
6. Santa doesn’t spend all his time obsessing over how other people have sex.
5. Santa can run his whole enterprise, year after year, without begging for donations or demanding government funding.
4. Some of history’s worst atrocities and injustices have been committed by people who believe in Jesus, but NONE of them have been committed by people who believe in Santa.
3. You don’t have to devote your life to figuring out a collection of 66 books full of obscure, archaic, and contradictory teachings—Santa is satisfied if you’re just reasonably good most of the time.
2. Santa cares enough to come back every year. And he shows up on time, too! We’re going on 2,000 years since Jesus told his apostles that some of them would see his kingdom come.
And my number one reason why Santa is better than Jesus:
1. Santa saves you from Hell by not creating it in the first place. Duh.
Santa can run his whole enterprise, year after year, without begging for donations or demanding government funding.
In fairness that’s because he doesn’t pay his elves. His whole enterprise is run on slave labor.
In fairness, just how sure are you that they’re not volunteers, Marcus?
He gives them a percentage of what he gets paid.
Jesus and Santa are both mythological constructs, but there is way more contemporaneous evidence for the existence of an historical St. Nick.
Santa wins again.
Thanks, Deacon. I find that nicely droll.
I kept thinking that peppermint candy canes would show up on the list.
In any case, I’ve always thought that the similarity between God and Santa was striking.
In addition, Santa is obviously an illusionist / magician, whilst the other one claims the fish, bread, eternal roasting, and other magical events are all real.
I was in China for the holidays, once, and one of the things that amused me is that Christmas is very popular there, but it’s all Santa. NO Jesus. I didn’t eat in a restaurant or shop in a store that didn’t have holiday decorations. I didn’t ride in an elevator without hearing Christmas music. But there were no religious carols, and no images of Jesus. It was much less “wholesome” or family oriented, too. I loved it.