The annual bleg
I wasn’t sure if I should post this, but as long as I’m blegging this week, I suppose readers deserve to be entertained. And what could be more entertaining that relationship drama? Besides, this has me as perplexed as a tweener at their first middle school dance. Almost a year ago I asked a lady out, we went out twice. For those with inquiring minds, we didn’t make out — or anything else — I got the distinct feeling she wasn’t interested in me after the second date. Which was confirmed when she declined a third date. She could have used a traditional brush off, like “I have to wash my hair,” but I kid you not, her words were along the lines of, “you are gross and the thought of being with you makes me sick.” At which point I got the rather giant hint and didn’t ask her out again.
We would see one another every now and then, we’d smile and exchange casual hellos, maybe chat briefly about our workouts or diets, and we were both fine with that. End of story. Now, wouldn’t it be reasonable to assume she would have no objection to me moving on and asking someone else out?
There is, apparently, an objection. Because when she saw me this week for the first time in a couple of months, with Workout Girl, who she does not know and has never laid eyes on, she started acting curt. Then she begin calling and texting me, starting out asking how I’m doing, then asking about my g/f and how we met, then it got more and more mixed with subtle jabs and back-handed compliments, finally culiminating in dressing me down, claiming I never cared about her, as if she had never brushed me off. It’s not that she wants to see me either — I asked her several times during the week in a polite low-key way if she wanted to get a cup of coffee or anything and she said no. But, she kept contacting me and it got weirder and weirder, until as of yesterday she sounds angry, or at least really miffed that I’m seeing someone or that I didn’t ask her out again … I don’t know how else to describe it.
WTF? Help! I have no idea what the hell is going on.
It could be a lot stranger & disturbing. Be thankful.
Sounds like she doesn’t like how quickly you got over her. Not because she wants to date you, but because it’s an ego booster to have someone pining for your affections. You might have dodged a bullet when she turned you down. There’s not a much clearer way to say you don’t care about someone’s feelings than “the thought of being with you makes me sick”.
If I had to guess I would say the familiarity you guys made (exchanging frequent hellos, smiles ect) gave her the wrong impression. I suppose she thought you were still interested or something after that blunt rejection. Sounds like a good time to disengage (if at all possible) whatever she’s thinking.
Just to be clear, I don’t think it’s your fault. She clearly rejected you and there’s no reason to assume being friendly is a sign of interest or continued interest.
Yeah I stopped responding completely. Thing is I didn;t have to get over her, I never fell for her, we never got anywhere near that far. I won’t disturb this sleeping dog, but I’d love to be able to flip a switch and find out what the heck she thinks she’s doing. I kinda wonder if maybe she got drunk, the weirdest stuff happened Friday night, then resumed about the same time last night with weirdness and it lasted until midnight. So far today, nada.
Also, now that another woman has shown an interest in you, your apparent ‘value’ has increased.
So the claws are out, and she will compete for what she formerly thought was value-less.
-_-
Wild speculation is wild.
It’s probably best not to push or dig. She isn’t someone in your personal circle and this looks like a train wreck in the making. Maybe she just had a rough couple nights or maybe she sorta fell for you and was too proud to admit it. It all comes out to the same thing since 1)are in a relationship 2)not interested in her.
Hope this hasn’t freaked you out too much and that whatever this is doesn’t escalate.
its not wild speculation julian
if a woman sees that other women want a man…he will suddenly gain value
works both ways. if a man isn’t interested in a girl, but then suddenly other men show an interest in her, her apparently ‘value’ increases.
for example:
if a man is interested in me, but no other woman is, I might think, ‘well, he’s not such a catch’. But, if I see that other women show an interest in this guy, I think ‘well then, other women want him, perhaps I made the wrong decision, I want him now!!’
Nothing wild about any of that!
And I also think that ego is part of it too. She has eseentially been ‘proven wrong’ by the ohter woman, and that upsets her. Being able to dismiss you at will gave her a certain amount of ‘power’.
And take everything I say with a grain of salt, I am not saying this is true in ALL CASES, but that this is one way that people react in relationships. yes :P
Actualy, after more thought, even though the above DOES happen, I think that the more reasonable explanation is this:
Even though she rejected steven, he was part of her ‘territory’. Now that another woman is on the scene, she feels threatened, b/c that other woman is encroaching on her ‘territory’.
All comes down to ego in the end!
Citation needed.
And it better not be anyone named “Heartiste”. Or involve the words “alpha” or “beta”.
Perhaps something’s battered her ego recently, and left her very fragile and thrown her off balance (like being unpleasantly dumped)? A lot happens in a year.
I think the word we are looking for here is “ambivalent.”
There is nothing to be confused about. Loss her completely. Do not respond to phone calls text messages or emails. She is not worth it. Spend your time enjoying your new girlfriend.
Everyone, including myself, has a secret hope that when you date someone you will change them in some way that will force them to exclude all others. It plays to our ego desires to be ‘special’. It is always a bit of a letdown to find out that I’m not the first, or the last, and if/when we break up, they move on, and get over me. Everyone likes to entertain the idea that they are irreplaceable.
@bobo
It’s not so hard to figure out. She’s still not interested but she liked feeling wanted. She’s not very rational in her way to handle it. Stephen is probably better off away from her.
A lot of people are irrational when it comes to dating. I’ve had too many stranger men over twice my age call me a whore for not wanting to go on a date with them. Now I could pull some homemade eve-psych narrative for that, but as for the lady here, it seems more plausible that it’s an ego wound. Occam’s razor.
You clearly dodged a bullet, back when she dismissed you. When you cross paths again, be just barely cordial. And don’t respond to emails, tweets, texts, phone calls, etc. Consider that you’re doing her a favor by helping her get over you.
Also, consider that the problem isn’t that she’s female, but something else might be in play. Either way, it isn’t your problem.
#10 : if a woman sees that other women want a man…he will suddenly gain value
Citation needed.
And it better not be anyone named “Heartiste”. Or involve the words “alpha” or “beta”.”
————
I dont even know wtf you are talking about. And since we are analyzing someone’s behaviour, just about ALL relationship advice/psychoanlysis could require a ‘citation needed’
#15 yeah, i said ‘all comes down to ego in the end’ in post #9
and yes, I agree with you
Happens all the time; there are a few typical reasons.
First of all, having someone ‘into you’ is an ego boost. Even though she didn’t want to go out with you at the time, she certainly would have enjoyed being desired. Now she is not happy that this has evaporated.
Second is that she is probably jealous of this girl. Not jealous of this girl because you are now seeing her, but just jealous of this girl in general. Is she generally deemed to be more attractive/fitter/in a better position at work/more popular? If the answer is yes to any one of these things, then the fact that you are seeing this other girl will likely annoy her. She may even try to woo you away from her or sabotage the relationship (as sounds like may already have happened in small doses), not because she like you, but because it is a war (probably one sided) by proxy, and you are the proxy.
Third – she may not be jealous of this girl – she may just outright not like her. Perhaps she has perceived that she has been slighted by workout girl in the past, and it annoys her that you could be into her.
Least likely – that she has had some sort of change of heart and actually wants to go out with you now. Entertain those ideas at your own peril.
These are all highly speculative of course, but I’ve seen each of the above occur time and time again when I was single and dating…
“WTF? Help! I have no idea what the hell is going on.”
You know, you could just ask her. Simply tell her what you think happened from your point of view, and how her current behaviour is making you feel. Get her to explain her actions. She may not realise how she is coming across.
And don’t try to pussy-foot or be coy about it. Just be direct.
That sounds very rational. And I might do that if I cared. At this point I don’t want to give her any reason to start up again, she hasn’t texted me all day and that’s how I want it to stay.
Just a thought, maybe you shouldn’t encourage her by asking her for coffee. She doesn’t sound quite normal, and if she feels that you should have tried harder to “win” her, she may use any overture against you. Perhaps by telling work out girl that you are pursuing her actively now.
Crazy lady with “I want what I can’t have syndrome”? DW women confuse me too :-/
I’m having an issue with a girl I’m currently seeing. We’ve been on three dates and they were really enjoyable, but I realised the other day I always contact her first. She always replies, but she never gets in contact first. I’m not sure if it’s because she’s not that interested or if it’s just gender roles at play (the old “the bloke is the one who asks hr out” bit). So I’m just going to ask her. This may possibly be the way forward for you too.
#24 bradleybetts
I, as a woman, have often let the guy contact me first. It comes down to insecurity, in my case at least.
“If he doesn’t like me, he won’t contact me”
“if he contacts me first, its proof he likes me”
“If he is lukewarm about me, I might annoy him by contacting him first”
and so on