Random godless thought » « Don’t be that professor

It has not been proven that JD Vance is a dolphin porn fetishist

It is important that we keep the record clear.

Although I do wonder what kind of rhetorical purpose Vance had in mind when he posted this.

What a weird sicko.

Random godless thought » « Don’t be that professor

Comments

  3. says

    The other day, I wrote this elsewhere:

    I’ve been doing internet data analysis and am at this point happy to report that the odds that JD Vance fucked a couch are less than 30% and still falling from their peak at 78%.
    After reviewing the number crunching, Professor Nell Bridgforth of the Center for Numerical Personality Analysis at the University of Northern Tweed offered that the probability of Vance fucking furniture would never have risen so high originally had the vice presidential candidate not had what some are calling “a very couch-fucky face.”

    I still believe that the odds he fucked an inside-out latex glove lodged between the cushions of a couch are, in fact, less than 30%, though I’m open to seeing math that shows something different.

  4. John Morales says

    So, someone searched to see if Jimmy searched for dolphin porn.

    (That’s even sadder, no?)

  8. chrislawson says

    Recommending Jim Thompson’s novel Pop. 1280 here for its brilliant description of the ‘if you didn’t do it, why do you keep denying it?’ political technique.

  9. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    No, JD, the line from the Hootie song is “the dolphins make me CRY.” Just cry. Get your mind out of the couch cushions.

  11. raven says

    Look people, you are missing the whole point.

    .1. Was the dolphin of legal age?
    .2. Did the dolphin make an affirmative consent?
    .3. Was the dolphin single and not in a monogamous relationship?
    .4. Did the dolphin enjoy it?

    I don’t much know or care.
    You will have to ask JD Vance.

  13. lochaber says

    I’ve been enjoying this stupid little bit of political/meme theater probably a bit more than is healthy… :)

    It’s a nice contrast to the past several years of the media just amplifying orange asshole’s stupid attack ads.

    Also I was concerned about Biden dropping out initially, as it seemed a bit late for that to not have repercussions, but was relieved to see the Democratic Party seem to actually embrace and rally around Harris as the candidate, and avoid their typical “circular firing squad” and “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory” antics.

    Granted, I’m a bit biased, as I’ve been aware of/following Harris since I read her book “Smart on Crime”, and voted for her as CA Attorney General, and CA Senator, and she was my preferred candidate in 2020. If anything, she is even more qualified now, and having what looks to be a unified DNC support, as well as a groundswell of small donations following her announcement, I’m feeling cautiously optimistic…

  15. says

    From the article cited @2:

    [Vance] has been open about the fact that some of his views from a decade ago began to change after becoming a dad and starting a family…

    Like, what aspect of becoming a dad forced him to embrace a bigoted transphobic agenda?

    PS to raven: You forgot to ask what the dolphin was wearing.

    PPS: Vance’s xhitpost about a dolphin “violating” a woman doesn’t really show anything of the sort. The dolphin’s not touching the brunette at least.

  16. outis says

    Zero surprises here: like all puritans, he’s a sex maniac. Anything suggests (to him) sexual situations, and any act is (to him) sex-related.
    Now, such a one would be inoffensive if relegated in the corner of a bar, muttering in his beer. Elevating him to VP however…
    (Sorry for the two-bit psychologizeering, but such people really manage to honk me off).

  17. KG says

    Also I was concerned about Biden dropping out initially, as it seemed a bit late for that to not have repercussions, but was relieved to see the Democratic Party seem to actually embrace and rally around Harris as the candidate, and avoid their typical “circular firing squad” and “snatching defeat from the jaws of victory” antics. – lochabar@13

    If the Democrats had descended into chaotic infighting over who should succeed Biden as candidate, that would have been “snatching defeat from the jaws of defeat”!

  18. Hemidactylus says

    John Morales @4
    If I understand the situation correctly, Vance had made a social media post about dolphin porn being on the web and people noted those terms “woman” and “dolphin” were highlighted in that post itself. So no searching was being done by those responding. It was kinda right there in their faces.

    As in: https://x.com/JDVance/status/1758824534247878692

    Couches and dolphins…what next.

  19. raven says

    OT but related.

    Trump tells Christians they ‘won’t have to’ vote again after election as ex-president slams FBI: Live updates
    Independent.com 7/28/2024

    Trump was speaking on Friday night at The Believers’ Summit 2024 at a Turning Point Action event in West Palm Beach, Florida.

    “You won’t have to do it anymore, four more years, you know what? It’ll be fixed, it’ll be fine. You won’t have to vote anymore,” Trump said. “You’ve got to get out and vote. In four years, you don’t have to vote again. We’ll have it fixed so good, you’re not going to have to vote.”

    In an announcement so far not mentioned on FTBs, Trump has said that he will end democracy in the USA and set up a xian theocracy.
    Xians won’t have to vote any more because they will be in charge and the USA will be a theocracy.

    I believe he will try this.
    It’s in Project 2025.
    It might even work.

    What will happen is the USA will split into several parts. The West coast and the NE aren’t going to go for a fundie theocracy. The midwest and south might.
    There will be a “population exchange” similar to when India was partitioned into India and Pakistan, as people flee to their preferred regime.

    There will be a massive fight over who gets the 5,000 nuclear weapons in the USA.
    We know from what happened to the old USSR and then Ukraine, that when you have nuclear weapons, you don’t give them up to someone who wants you dead.

  20. robro says

    Hemidactylus @ #18 — “Couches and dolphins…what next.” That opens the door for a lot of wild speculation. Might be amusing for a moment, but pretty disgusting. Let’s not.

  21. robro says

    Also, I wonder if he talked to his techbro pal Peter Thiel about proving the Internet was a mistake. Anyway there are better things than porno to go after the Internet for.

  22. Kagehi says

    People get weird kinks. Some of them cross lines, and all the arguments about if an animal is “smart enough” to consent just kind of leaves any interaction with them as suspect, including keeping them as pets in general. I am not sure its always a valid argument, but we tend to, morally, ask, “Is it valid in most cases? Then we will make it a law you shouldn’t do that, especially if we can’t adjudicate exceptions.” The real problem here, as always, is that Vance is a right wing, Christian Nationalist lunatic, who thinks God is always offended by everything we do, and that people like Vance exist to intervein and force said god’s will on everyone else, because said god either isn’t able to, or can’t be bothered to, so he decided to assign the tax to complete f-ing hypocrites, who “apparently” get the job solely because they are literally morally bankrupt, and unable to avoid literally any of the things they accuse everyone else of. If this where put into a Biblical context, it would be more like the Bible saying, “And so God created demons, and put them in charge of making sure mortals obeyed god’s laws.”, instead of the supposedly pure, would never, ever do anything wrong, angels. People like Vance don’t just misunderstand the admonishment about who should be throwing the first stone, they freaking literally think they should own the venue the stones are thrown in, the courts that decide who to throw them at, the quarry they came from, and that, then, they should also be allowed to rent those stones out to the people that show up wanting to throw them – but only after they, themselves, throw the first one.

    I couldn’t give a damn what weird things he looks at on the internet. I am not guiltless of having curiosity at some of the weird out there myself, but I absolutely don’t claim, like people like he does, that I am “saved”, pure of soul, what ever the F that means, or that this self serving bull pucky gives me a right, god given or otherwise, to secretly hunt for weird, borderline illegal, almost porn on the internet, while condemning everyone else who does so, or participates in any of the things I pretend to disapprove of, while literally posting on freaking social media.

    Seriously, “faith” might not be a mental illness, but I suspect a bloody lot of these people need a bloody lot of actual therapy in general.

  24. CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain says

    @Raging Bee #15:

    Vance’s xhitpost […] doesn’t really show anything of the sort. The dolphin’s not touching the brunette at least.

    Mirrored video of the incident Vance screenshotted before it jumps into her arms.

    Compilation of similar dolphin incidents. (age-gated)

    Despite formulaic appearances, a DailyMail anecdote says they are unexpected, not planned tricks. (Hm, same trainer as the first; maybe same dolphin.) They all seem more to be suggestively humping the platforms, which is for the best as they weigh many hundreds of pounds.

    StraightDope discussed—and mostly dismissed—scary animal-on-human attacks.

  25. Bekenstein Bound says

    Kagehi@22:

    People like Vance don’t just misunderstand the admonishment about who should be throwing the first stone, they freaking literally think they should own the venue the stones are thrown in, the courts that decide who to throw them at, the quarry they came from, and that, then, they should also be allowed to rent those stones out to the people that show up wanting to throw them – but only after they, themselves, throw the first one.

    I dunno, sounds like the basic capitalist ethos to me: “if there’s gonna be stone-throwing, then I want to be a middleman taking a cut, ideally ending up with a vertically integrated business empire that corners the market at every step along the stone-throwy supply chain” …

  26. KG says

    Vance is eminently mockable – and, I’d guess, teaseable, and I note that Harris and her allies are deploying the line that he and Trump (w.r.t. Hannibal Lecter, sharks, etc.) are just plain weird. I think a strong focus on Vance at present is a good idea: Trump will hate it, both because he can’t stand not being the centre of attention, and because it draws attention to what a poor choice Vance was. I’m not clear whether Trump can replace Vance at this point, but if he can, it puts him in a dilemma, as doing so would look like folding in the face of pressure, but not doing so ensures that the pressure continues.