And, in a more professional response, there are a lot of artifacts round the type that would suggest a rather amateurish session playing with his Photoshop.
And the edge of the black area looks a bit wanky too!
PaulBCsays
Isn’t God too busy killing kittens anyway?
Ragutissays
At first glance, I thought there was going to be a new Fantastic Four movie.
Proctology also seems inadvisable while your hand is on fire. (I think “proctor” is one of the funniest academic descriptors available. Ok, i’m 13, so sue me…)
rodwsays
Eric said:
“Holding hands with god” sounds like it should be a euphemism for masturbating, actually.
I think you’re on to something there, but I’d modify it to “holding hands with Thor”
Anyway, getting back to the original sign, isnt it obvious that you could hold hands with God with one hand while you masterbated with the other? That would probably annoy the hell out of God but still…………Come to think of it the sign actually implies that such Theophiles would get to heaven
laurentweppesays
Plenty of nuns disagree
Jeff Ksays
Never have understood people who obsess over personal private behavior.
95 percent of men admitted to masturbating. The other five percent were lying.
gogsays
I only need one hand to masturbate. I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?
sirbedeveresays
@13 Jessica Valenti,
I think you mean “wonky”, not “wanky”. Oh, wait…
Oh, you fooled me parody site! Such wit… -_______________________-
Grewgillssays
@Thomas 10
Christians for Michele Bachman is a satire site. There are a lot of other memes like this and “checkmate atheist” memes along with pictures of her and some of her more idiotic quotes. https://www.facebook.com/C4MB15.0?ref=ts&fref=ts
I only need one hand to masturbate. I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?
I no longer had this problem once I gave those demons my soul in exchange for telekinesis.
Deacon Duncansays
“But if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:9
Trebuchetsays
@10: Thanks for the link! The RW page actually points out that PZ has previously been taken in by one of their fakes!
I wish I’d kept the clip, but a few months ago I was listening to a Catholic radio call-in show called “Go Ask Your Father” when an elderly woman called in to explain how she explained the Catholic Mass to her young grandson.
She said she had told him, “When you take the communion wafer, you are putting Jesus in your mouth.”
I almost drove off the road.
lornsays
Hmmm … the writer must be unaware of human anatomy ( from another planet?), most of us have two hands. Rare is the person who really needs both hands to get the job done.
PaulBCsays
tacitus #31
an elderly woman called in to explain how she explained the Catholic Mass to her young grandson.
Finally, for all the creative ideas offered around here, wouldn’t frotteurism with an inanimate object be the obvious solution? Particularly if your hand was on fire.
I thought you were guaranteed a happy ending when you believed in God.
HolyPinkUnicornsays
Isn’t this why god invented rotating shower heads? Well, at least for women–men have to get a little more creative when it comes to hands-free masturbation (and even good water pressure won’t do much for a lot of women).
@32 My thoughts exactly. In fact, a theological case could be made that this is why God gave us two hands.
robstersays
Can’t hold hands with the ol’ God if you’re not wanking either.
Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderachsays
Well I for one am thrilled that the makers of this sign were willing to step up and challenge the overwhelming right-hand privilege. A giant flaming high five for all the lefty masturbators out there!
Trebuchetsays
@40: Don’t get ahead of yourself. The left hand is on fire. The right is still busy.
coffeehoundsays
In my professional opinion there’s nothing here that a little Valtrex won’t fix. You can’t see the vesicles for the flames . Just saying.
gogsays
@Tony! #27.
Did the same transaction turn you gay? IS THAT HOW SATAN GETS US?!
What is that image in the background? It says “Christians for Michele Bachmann”, but that doesn’t quite look like her.
ociralatsays
If god is helping, I believe that is referred to as a “Dutch Rudder”
rqsays
God himself (@TheTweetOfGod) said, Yes you can. Why do you think I gave you two hands? Idiots. (I paraphrase, but god on twitter is full of very wise words.)
Trebuchet @41
That’s because the left one is already touching god. Or, wait… how does that work again?
anymsays
Isn’t the notion of an ‘obvious Poe’ a contradiction in terms? Because if you can distinguish between parody and victim, then Poe’s law doesn’t apply, right?
#17, rodw
I think you’re on to something there, but I’d modify it to “holding hands with Thor”
Additional lubricant may help prevent thorness.
#20, gog
I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?
One of the earliest useful uses of javascript I recall was an automatic page scroller with adjustable speed, conveniently embedded into the content pages of a site that served written porn. Sounds like the solution to your problem, right there.
Ichthyicsays
A giant flaming high five for all the lefty masturbators out there!
what happens if you get left hangin’?
Ichthyicsays
funny, I thought the idea was that you could start fires by rubbing two sticks together…
now I find out you can start fires by only rubbing one stick.
azhaelsays
Also, you probably can’t masturbate when your hand is on fire
You are greatly underestimating how far a teenager is willing to go….
An aggrieved wing of Tantric Buddhists are heading to the offices of whoever it was that published that. By knowing far too much about breathing techniques and generally making everyone in that office feel a bit uncomfortable about the oversharing of personal information, they will be avenged! Vamachara!!!
In the aftermath of such events, Sting will be forced to apologise on their behalf.
Alain Van der Eyckensays
And if you _could_ masturbate with your hand on fire, you’d probably end up starting a bush fire !
9780007103072xxx says
unless god is a dick
Area Man says
They say it like it’s a bad thing.
P.S. Obvious Poe. I’m curious as to the origin of the graphic in the lower left.
Becca Stareyes says
You also can’t hold hands with anyone while cradling a newborn, removing cookies from the oven, or playing a violin concerto.
(Also, isn’t this a job that doesn’t necessarily need two hands? That leaves one for holding hands.)
throwaway, never proofreads, every post a gamble says
That’s because he’s got both fists in my ass.
davidgentile says
Edward Current FTW:
davidgentile says
Um, NSFW.
UnknownEric the Apostate says
“Holding hands with god” sounds like it should be a euphemism for masturbating, actually.
Giliell, professional cynic -Ilk- says
*pshshsht*
Dear christians, we also have machines for that
Tony! The Queer Shoop says
Michael B. Jordan probably doesn’t have a problem masturbating and holding god’s hand.
Thomas says
It’s (probably) a fake. http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Christians_for_Michele_Bachmann
richardelguru says
Whatever it is, the guy must have set a manual speed record: “Full speed ahead (and back, of course) and damn the friction!!”
Saad says
At first glance, I thought there was going to be a new Fantastic Four movie.
richardelguru says
And, in a more professional response, there are a lot of artifacts round the type that would suggest a rather amateurish session playing with his Photoshop.
And the edge of the black area looks a bit wanky too!
PaulBC says
Isn’t God too busy killing kittens anyway?
Ragutis says
Actually, there is: http://io9.com/the-fantastic-four-trailer-is-here-and-its-not-at-all-1682005509
Nothing to do with the billboard though.
sciamannata says
Proctology also seems inadvisable while your hand is on fire. (I think “proctor” is one of the funniest academic descriptors available. Ok, i’m 13, so sue me…)
rodw says
Eric said:
I think you’re on to something there, but I’d modify it to “holding hands with Thor”
Anyway, getting back to the original sign, isnt it obvious that you could hold hands with God with one hand while you masterbated with the other? That would probably annoy the hell out of God but still…………Come to think of it the sign actually implies that such Theophiles would get to heaven
laurentweppe says
Plenty of nuns disagree
Jeff K says
Never have understood people who obsess over personal private behavior.
95 percent of men admitted to masturbating. The other five percent were lying.
gog says
I only need one hand to masturbate. I could hold God’s hand with the free one, but how will I move my mouse pointer to the porn that’s opening my mind and body to be possessed by one of Satan’s demons?
sirbedevere says
@13 Jessica Valenti,
I think you mean “wonky”, not “wanky”. Oh, wait…
brianpansky says
But can I hold hands with god when I’m driving a car? How about when I’m carrying groceries?
davidnangle says
Jeff K @ #19, 95% of men admit masturbating… the other 5% were too busy masturbating to answer the question.
Area Man says
It’s definitely a fake. Whoever shopped it couldn’t even be bothered to rotate the image to the same angle of the billboard it was slapped onto.
Thanks for the link though, it explains everything.
brianpansky says
Oh, you fooled me parody site! Such wit… -_______________________-
Grewgills says
@Thomas 10
Christians for Michele Bachman is a satire site. There are a lot of other memes like this and “checkmate atheist” memes along with pictures of her and some of her more idiotic quotes.
https://www.facebook.com/C4MB15.0?ref=ts&fref=ts
Tony! The Queer Shoop says
gog @20:
I no longer had this problem once I gave those demons my soul in exchange for telekinesis.
Deacon Duncan says
“But if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry, for it is better to marry than to burn.”
— 1 Corinthians 7:9
Trebuchet says
@10: Thanks for the link! The RW page actually points out that PZ has previously been taken in by one of their fakes!
richardelguru says
@21 sirbedevere
‘I think you mean “wonky”, not “wanky”. Oh, wait…’
I’m glad you saw what I did there, and don’t call me
‘Shirley’‘Jessica’tacitus says
I wish I’d kept the clip, but a few months ago I was listening to a Catholic radio call-in show called “Go Ask Your Father” when an elderly woman called in to explain how she explained the Catholic Mass to her young grandson.
She said she had told him, “When you take the communion wafer, you are putting Jesus in your mouth.”
I almost drove off the road.
lorn says
Hmmm … the writer must be unaware of human anatomy ( from another planet?), most of us have two hands. Rare is the person who really needs both hands to get the job done.
PaulBC says
tacitus #31
Clearly from a more innocent generation. Have you ever tried reading the ending of Amelia Bedelia to a small child:
https://books.google.com/books?id=QLbhO9TqC24C&pg=PA242#v=onepage&q&f=false
Finally, for all the creative ideas offered around here, wouldn’t frotteurism with an inanimate object be the obvious solution? Particularly if your hand was on fire.
glenngraham says
I thought you were guaranteed a happy ending when you believed in God.
HolyPinkUnicorn says
Isn’t this why god invented rotating shower heads? Well, at least for women–men have to get a little more creative when it comes to hands-free masturbation (and even good water pressure won’t do much for a lot of women).
However, what if your (very NSFW) masturbatory aid honors god, or specifically Jesus, the Virgin Mary, or even the devil? I may not be holding hands, but damn it, I am glorifying god in my body!
Ragutis says
http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/features/double-dick-dude-two-penises-interview-20141231
Tony! The Queer Shoop says
HolyPinkUnicorn @35:
I love that link. Especially the Baby Jesus dildo.
changerofbits says
@32 My thoughts exactly. In fact, a theological case could be made that this is why God gave us two hands.
robster says
Can’t hold hands with the ol’ God if you’re not wanking either.
Dave, ex-Kwisatz Haderach says
Well I for one am thrilled that the makers of this sign were willing to step up and challenge the overwhelming right-hand privilege. A giant flaming high five for all the lefty masturbators out there!
Trebuchet says
@40: Don’t get ahead of yourself. The left hand is on fire. The right is still busy.
coffeehound says
In my professional opinion there’s nothing here that a little Valtrex won’t fix. You can’t see the vesicles for the flames . Just saying.
gog says
@Tony! #27.
Did the same transaction turn you gay? IS THAT HOW SATAN GETS US?!
Tony! The Queer Shoop says
What is that image in the background? It says “Christians for Michele Bachmann”, but that doesn’t quite look like her.
ociralat says
If god is helping, I believe that is referred to as a “Dutch Rudder”
rq says
God himself (@TheTweetOfGod) said, Yes you can. Why do you think I gave you two hands? Idiots. (I paraphrase, but god on twitter is full of very wise words.)
Trebuchet @41
That’s because the left one is already touching god. Or, wait… how does that work again?
anym says
Isn’t the notion of an ‘obvious Poe’ a contradiction in terms? Because if you can distinguish between parody and victim, then Poe’s law doesn’t apply, right?
#17, rodw
Additional lubricant may help prevent thorness.
#20, gog
One of the earliest useful uses of javascript I recall was an automatic page scroller with adjustable speed, conveniently embedded into the content pages of a site that served written porn. Sounds like the solution to your problem, right there.
Ichthyic says
what happens if you get left hangin’?
Ichthyic says
funny, I thought the idea was that you could start fires by rubbing two sticks together…
now I find out you can start fires by only rubbing one stick.
azhael says
You are greatly underestimating how far a teenager is willing to go….
Lofty says
Friction burns. Wow, that’s working hard at it.
Amy Cocks says
An aggrieved wing of Tantric Buddhists are heading to the offices of whoever it was that published that. By knowing far too much about breathing techniques and generally making everyone in that office feel a bit uncomfortable about the oversharing of personal information, they will be avenged! Vamachara!!!
In the aftermath of such events, Sting will be forced to apologise on their behalf.
Alain Van der Eycken says
And if you _could_ masturbate with your hand on fire, you’d probably end up starting a bush fire !
loudguitr says
Which is one of the reasons I masturbate.
Martin Cota says
Only 1 set of handprints :D
Ichthyic says
…because that’s when Jesus was giving you a hand job?