I think you should start out your day with tales of fatherhood, since I did. Sometimes my mailbox is a very depressing thing.

• What do you do when your son has seizures? Take him to religious authorities for diagnosis.

  “When my son first began suffering from this problem I took him to sheikhs to recite Qur’an on him but most of them became scared when they heard the female voice telling them that she was a royal jinn and that no one can exorcise her unless Turki dies,” he said.

  The father said a sheikh advised him to tie his son’s arms and legs with iron chains and to read Qur’an on him. “We did this. My son became quiet but is totally unaware of what is happening around him. He does not talk and is now unable to harm anyone,” he added.

  He’s been kept in chains in the basement for six years. Therapy successful!

• A father has to discipline his children. When Mousaa Sidime’s 13 year old daughter balked at doing her mandatory prayer routine — this apparently wasn’t just some quick “I lay me down to sleep”, but something tedious that the girl hated — he responded with a slap. A slap that required calling the police.

  “When we got there the girl was bleeding around her nose and she has been in a coma ever since,” David said.

  The situation has been resolved and she’s out of the coma. She’s dead.

  Prayers work! Now an innocent little girl is in heaven, getting slapped daily by a god who wants more of those prayers and praises.

• Daddy knows best what to do with little girls’ uteruses, too. Let’s not ever allow abortion under any circumstances, because there’s never any case where a girl would be better off with an abortion. Like this heartwarming case of paternal concern.

  It’s a simple story. A neighbor of a 13 year old girl expressed his natural urges and raped her. She got pregnant. Said neighbor had gotten his rocks off, he was done with her, and told her that it was not his responsibility. The little girl had no support, could get no abortion (this is in Peru, where abortion is almost completely prohibited), and in total despair, tried to commit suicide by throwing herself off a building.

  But wait! This story isn’t awful enough yet. She didn’t die. She did suffer serious spinal injuries, though, and in a real surprise, she didn’t lose the pregnancy. So the hospital refused to operate to save her from paralysis because it would put the fetus at risk, despite the fact that a therapeutic abortion was recommended in her condition. No go.

  LC: I Have To Tell What Happened To Me from Center for Reproductive Rights on Vimeo.

  Hey! What happened to the rapist baby daddy? I don’t know.

It all sounds so depressing, doesn’t it? Unless, of course, you’re a happy and oblivious member of the patriarchy. Then it’s all cool.