I’m pretty sure he’d drive a Hummer H2, with a pile of fast food wrappers in the back, a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker, and one of those stainless steel bull scrotum castings hanging from the rear.
Pharyngula
Evolution, development, and random biological ejaculations from a godless liberal
one of those stainless steel bull scrotum castings hanging from the rear.
Yeah, what’s with those? I see them all the time on Southern California freeways, dangling off of massive lifted trucks that have never seen dirt.
I mean, we all know it’s a penis surrogate; you don’t have to actually give it testicles! Jeebus.
I think the truck nuts are funny — however, the mixing of organic and machine is inappropriate. I was thinking of getting a couple of really big machine nuts and hanging them with piano wire.
Most of the responses to that article are rather asinine, but this one was pretty brilliant:
I don’t know what Jesus would drive, but I do know what Moses would choose. The Bible says that he came down Mount Sinai in his Triumph.
I’m sure he’s here all week!
Actually, the Bible itself tells us that Jesus and the disciples would carpool and they would share a Honda (see Acts 1:14):
“These all continued with one Accord…”
It turns out that Jesus is actually traveling in an RV. I see the sign “RVing with Jesus” at the same campground every time I drive by. I think his dad might use several different vehicles but apparently he doesn’t drive. That’s based on those bumper stickers I see that say “God is my copilot.” I think he must be reading the map. I certainly approve of his choice, since so many of the elderly continue to drive long past the time they should have stopped.
I wish SB would fix the comment problems.
BLASPHEMY! You heathens are completely clueless! Everybody knows Our Lord favors American cars, therefore he drives a Jesus Chrystler.
That pic of Dr Rowan Williams makes him look something like The Old Man From Scene 24.
Oh, and everyone knows that Jesus was a Yogic Flyer.
No, no, no. Jesus was an Israeli, so obviously he’d drive a fortified Caterpillar and plow down peace activists (who teach young children how to burn American flags).
No, no, no. As John Bloom once pointed out, Jesus would WALK. The only time he ever rode anything was when somebody borrowed that donkey for him to ride into Jerusalem. Otherwise he walked all over Judea and Galilee, no donkeys, horses, carts, or anything.
No, no, no. Jesus was an Israeli, so obviously he’d drive a fortified Caterpillar and plow down peace activists (who teach young children how to burn American flags).
Jason, this joke would have worked better if you’d cut if off halfway through, after the word ‘Caterpillar’. The way it is now, it’s belabored.
“Since Jesus is American…”
I had no idea he was back – is he a bornagain christian?
Anyway, obviously Jesus would have a cycle, he has his spare tire above the head every time he is depicted.
Jesus would, obviously, drive a DUKW.
I mean, if he liked to walk on water, surely he’d also like to drive on it…
one of those stainless steel bull scrotum castings hanging from the rear.
Everytime I see those things, I think of my boyhood and deer hunting. Whenever a hunter killed a buck, said hunter would cut off said deer’s nuts (you gotta do it at some point, anyway, to keep ’em from ruining the meat) and hangs them from his CB antenna. Seriously.
And as Ministry has already taught us, the Swingin’ Nazz was indeed a gearhead, as he built Al Jorgenson’s hot rod. I say either a Charger or a GTO, but only as a hobbyist. Whilest actually doing his thang, I imagine the late J.C. would probably eschew motorized transportation and walk. He did it plenty back in the day, it’s good excercise, you meet more people and it gives one a better opportunity to enjoy the wonders of Nature.
‘Course, the real question is if Jesus came back today – assuming he ever existed, of course – how long would the Religious Right let him run around loose before they nailed him to a tree for talking about love and charity and brotherhood and helping the poor and downtrodden, rather than the real message of modern American Christianity (which is, of course, “gays are icky” and “don’t argue with us”.)
I can’t decide if he would drive an Alpha or an Omega.
No no no, you’re all getting it wrong. Jesus would ride a bike.
“one of those stainless steel bull scrotum castings hanging from the rear.”
I confess, I don’t know what you’re talking about (and Google was less than helpful). Could someone please provide an image?
What does the Dalai Lama drive?
Here you are. Go nuts.
Duh, Jesus takes the bus. I know, I’ve seen him on the 51 line in Berkeley.
Gosh, redstripe, I see they actually have keychain nuts. Now there is a fashion statement.
Man those nut things are all wrong.
Are they really that popular? I’ve never noticed them, and I lived in freakin’ Arizona for 10 years.
I truly hope this isn’t one of those things where, now that I’m aware of them, I’m going to see them everywhere.
I love in the northeast, and the ones I’ve seen here are made of terra cotta colored rubber with weights in them (all the better to swing with, I guess….)
I think that Jesus would give away any car he had to the first person in need of a car. The real question is, of course, what sort of insurance would Jesus have?
Jesus was a carpenter – he drove a pickup.
With whom would Jesus drive? That’s what I’d like to know. (“When you ride alone,” you ride with Satan!)
Okay, forget all this, what kind of car would Satan drive?
I figure Jesus to be a VW bus kind of guy, of course retrofitted to run off of a hydrogen fuel cell (he’s god! he can make whatever kind of car he wants!)
Satan? Mustang, definitely. Vintage. Baby blue.
Satan drives a Viper. Duh!
I figure Jesus to be a VW bus kind of guy, of course retrofitted to run off of a hydrogen fuel cell (he’s god! he can make whatever kind of car he wants!)
Satan? Mustang, definitely. Vintage. Baby blue.
What does it say that Satan drives such a cooler car than Jesus?
Crime pays.
Wait a sec. I forgot. Jesus is an illegal alien. (Hillary said so.) What do they drive?
No, sillies. Jesus drove a motorhome!
Thanks for the link to the Nutz web site. Aaaaand no thanks. How utterly awful. I honestly haven’t seen them before, in Idaho, no less. Perhaps the local nudity ordinance forbids them.
Well, duh: Jesus rode a Colt into Jerusalem. But was it a Mitsubishi Colt or a Dodge Colt? If it happened today, would Jesus tell his disciples to jack a brand-new Colt for him (“…ye shall find a colt tied, whereon yet never man sat: loose him, and bring him hither.”), or would a used car do?
Interesting tidbit: Yahweh drove Adam and Eve out of Eden in his Fury.