The following is reproduced from www.beliefnet.com.
http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Christianity/2001/08/Heretic-Humor.aspx
If you have not read or heard this wonderful tale, enjoy. If you have encountered it before, here it is again. Enjoy.
The Heretic
Emo Philips
2 0 0 0
I was in San Francisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge
about to jump. So I thought I’d try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said,
“Don’t jump!” and he turns…
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you, you silly ninny.”…
He said, “I do believe in God.”
I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.”
I said, “Me too. Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.”
I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He says, “Baptist.”
I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He says, “Northern Baptist.”
I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He says, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”
I say, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist.”
I say, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region.”
I say, “Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”
He says, “Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”
I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
Gotta love Emo.
My dad’s church wouldn’t let me or my mom receive communion or any blessings because we were baptized in the Eastern Orthodox Church that followed the Gregorian calendar, so we didn’t count as Orthodox Christians to them. When they had the oil blessing, the priest made a separate batch for the two of us that was lesser oil (no idea what he did differently). And when my grandmother came to the U.S. from Greece, she refused to go to either the Old Calendarist or New Calendarist Greek Orthodox churches because her priest told her *they’re* all doing it wrong. Not sure how, same theology, customs, liturgy, just celebrate holidays two weeks ahead of the other. So I can really relate to this joke. (No one pushed of a bridge, though. Yet.)
Uh huh. Nice try, still ain’t working.
So you’re saying people are refusing to kiss your ass just because you’re Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879?